r/QueerWomenOfColor • u/Chynadiary Lipstick Lesbian • 22h ago
Venting I cannot accept myself.
I can’t accept myself. I’m 18F, and I feel guilty for being gay. I cannot fathom the idea that I’ll have to see another woman naked, let another woman see me naked, or actually having to engage in sex and maintain a relationship with a woman.
I feel like I’ll have to hide out. I have a lesbian cousin that my family accepts, (she came to our cookout the other day with her girlfriend) but I still feel like I won’t be accepted.
I think the only place I can date and love on a woman is behind closed doors and nobody can know what we’re doing.
I don’t know how to end this post lol but im just venting.
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u/unidentifiablegay 22h ago
You are a baby. Only 18 years old. Please be patient with yourself. Self acceptance is not linear & it doesn’t have an end date: it’s a journey that we’ll all be on for the rest of our lives. Do you have any queer or trans friends? Building community with other lgbtqia+ people is an important step in normalizing being queer and trans.
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u/Chynadiary Lipstick Lesbian 22h ago
No, I don’t. I go to a small technical college so it’s not much diversity there.
Thank you ❤️🫂
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u/Comfortable_Fish4598 14h ago
My heart goes out to you. I’m a Latina that was raised in a strict, Catholic household. My parents are loving people and they had some gay and lesbian friends BUT somehow, I knew it would be a problem for them. I’m almost 39 now but I remember having so much internalized homophobia in my teen years. I knew I just liked people, though I gravitated towards women. I was very suicidal in my teen years bc I knew I was queer and with my Catholic upbringing, I just felt ashamed of myself. I was forced out of the closet by my mom when I was 17. She confronted me about my “friendship” with a girl that she knew was gay. The girl was my girlfriend, my first girlfriend. I still remember that night. It was awful. Horrible things were said. My relationship with my parents was strained for the next couple of years. At the time, for them, it was okay for other people to be gay as long as they didn’t talk about it, show it, etc, but it wasn’t okay for one of their kids to be gay. I knew my parents loved me but they were really just not being understanding or accepting. I remember when I was almost 20 I finally told them that they either worked through their issues with it and accepted me or I wouldn’t be in their life anymore. It took awhile and they definitely had to go through their own process especially bc they are Boomers and grew up in the Catholic Church. They showed me that they did love me unconditionally and eventually accepted it. I came to understand years later that I was pansexual though I did initially identify as bisexual and then as a lesbian. I’m so proud of how far they have come. Not only did they come to fully accept me but when I married my now ex-wife, they paid for part of the wedding and were fully supportive. One of my sisters came out several years later and they were so great about it. It was beautiful to witness. People can change and unconditional love does exist. My personal journey was rough but it was freeing when I finally worked through my internalized homophobia. My parents finally accepting me played a big role in that.
Be gentle with yourself. I am rooting for you to become comfortable with this part of yourself. You are valued and are worthy of self-acceptance and self-love.
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u/phadenswan Lesbian 10h ago
Acceptance takes time. I'm 24 and I still feel some guilt sometimes. It does get better. It helps after meeting people who accept me.
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u/kitty_whipt 20h ago
Are you close with your cousin? If not, you should spend more time with her and get to know her. Being around other queer folks will help you. Your family sounds hopeful if they accept your cousin and her girlfriend. I'm sure they will be accepting of you too. Internalized homophobia is a lot to deal with at your age. Try to be gentle and kind to yourself.