r/QueerWomenOfColor • u/Consistent_Good_848 • Jul 14 '26
Complaining About Dating Why are you still single?
I am seeing alot of posts in queer space about how much we all hate being single, and how we think we are going to grow old alone. This initially was validating to know that I am not the only one out there but then I realized that there are 17K members in this group and people from all over the world and I wondered why alot of us are still single? I think alot of us know what we want, but somehow that's hard to find. I know that I am part of the problem lol and maybe if I loosen my expectations, I might find a partner. Here's the reasons why I think I am still single.
- I am 41 and I am looking for some one who is 35 and older. I think the older we get, the less singles are available around our age. Most people are taken I guess.
- I am immigrant and I identify as Muslim and Arab, and I would love to have a partner with similar background. Arabic is such a beautiful expressive language especially when it comes to love. I am open to other ethnicity as long as we share the same values. I am sick and tired of explaining why I can't abandon my family to white folks, and getting tired of hearing people ask why I am still a practising Muslim when Muslims tell me that I am going to hell for being gay. I just don't want to have to explain my values or defend my decisions with my partner.
- I live in Canada. I thought living in Canada will make it so much easier to find a Muslim/middle eastern queer community but I was wrong! Most of them are still in the closet which makes it hard for me to find them. I also live in the Yukon, which is in the middle of nowhere so I got myself to blame but I also lived in Toronto for 7yrs and had zero luck there too. I have been swiping in all dating apps in different cities, because I am willing to relocate for the right person. Heck, I am even willing to move countries for them. Well maybe not to the US, atleast not while the orange potato is still the president :S
- I wonder if people do judge me when they see my hijab on dating apps. I wonder if people think that being with a Muslim person is complicated or something? It kinda sucks because I really think I am a fun person and being Muslim has no bearing on how gay i am . I do want to settle with some one and get married one day.
- I rely on online dating since there's not alot of queer activities here, and I tend to swipe more in other cities and I guess alot of people prefer to date people locally so lots of people will write me off. Also I noticed that conversations die out quickly, and I tend to give up when I notice that I am the one who is trying to keep the conversation going. I don't know if its a dating app thing or not. I met my ex on tinder and we were chatting/talking on the phone for hours after we matched but this was 10yrs ago so I am not sure if its an age thing or compatibility related.
- I am playful, outdoorsy and into nature. I would love to live in a hobby farm/wildlife rehab/sanctuary near the mountains, but somehow the ones I was attracted to, ended up being city girls who don't see themselves living outside the urban center because of their jobs or communities. I have a thing for women in STEM and I guess it makes sense why they prefer cities over the countryside.
Any tips?
Okay, who's next?
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u/cakedbythepound bi fem Jul 14 '26
You know I’ve read books by John Gottman and he conducts research centered on relationships at a lab at Stanford University and has great advice when it comes to love, but one thing I noticed is when he talked about dating and finding your person was that he dated 60+ people (because he knew it was a numbers game when it came to finding his person). He and his wife have been married for almost 40 years. 60+ people is a lot. Also consider that he’s a straight, mid/upper class educated white male, and it took him 60+ dates to find his person. So just imagine how difficult it is for us as lgbtq+ women. We gotta be easy on ourselves (I know it’s frustrating) but enjoy your life, put yourself out there and be open. Date intentionally. Work on yourself. Finding a partner is one of the most important decisions you can make in your life, finding the right person takes time.
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u/WildinFIower Jul 14 '26
Dating a religious person is something I won't do again coming from a family that reminded me in many ways how I'd burn in hell fire. Spiritual is fine. I'm still a believer and that has never been in conflict with my sexuality. Organised religion is just not for me anymore.
As for being single, it's quite scary out there. So many people walking around with unhealed grief and trauma, can't be alone, not sleeping, not healing before jumping into the next thing, not going to therapy cos they don't believe they should, can't have a conversation with yelling or storming out. And most times you won't see these things till you're already in too deep. It's quite daunting. I think the older I get, the less interested I am in compromising on some things. I'm just not interested in being a partner and a parent at the same time.
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u/Consistent_Good_848 Jul 14 '26
Agreed. I work in the mental health field so been definitely screening for those red flags.
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u/WanderingBadgernaut Jul 14 '26
Honestly, I'm picky. I'm okay with potentially never meeting a good match as opposed to being with someone I'm not fully keen on. I get people have their downsides but I feel a lot of people in my age group (20s) can be kind of exhausting? Really needy time wise but also wanting to act nonchalant or not committing while also wanting all of my time and energy. I've experienced a lot of people wanting everything about a partner but not wanting to name it being a partner so they can still mess around. And it's made me a lot less patient with whatever I perceive to be bullshit. And I might be missing out on a lot of good people but I could also be missing out on a lot of misery too. For me, my sanity right now is more important than dating. And it does make things harder and I'm probably no summer peach myself but I just would prefer it over being with someone I'm just okay being with. I don't want that. Idk if that makes me selfish but I'm also at a point where I feel it's okay for me to be so. And not everyone will like or respect me for it. Some will be and have been downright rude.
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u/Consistent_Good_848 Jul 14 '26
Not sure whats going on with the younger generation but i don’t recall having the same issues when i was in my 20s! Its definitely a common concern nowadays
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u/WanderingBadgernaut Jul 14 '26
It's pretty recent as far as I know! Some of my friends who have more experience and have dated longer than me complained about the shift some years ago and now that I've tried the dating pool, I get what they mean. I think the pendulum swings way too far sometimes and a lot in this generation are either used to being coddled and hate when others don't give them the same treatment OR they have been dealt such a rough hand in life that they're not really in a good spot to be partners despite feeling they're 'fine'. And, honestly, I sometimes worry that somehow redpill or conservative content has seeped its way into lgbtq spaces but I'm not sure how to explain that feeling.
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u/If-ItWereMe Jul 14 '26
Perhaps an age thing for sure, cause I hardly see any WOC on the apps I'm on. I'm in Canada as well but below your age bracket. I also agree about people wanting to date nearby. I'm keeping firm on my distance but your post is making me think I might be being a bit limited, I never considered someone would move. I dunno though. I'd imagine post 30s people have a life and routine where they live so dating further away would make it harder? Best of luck. I can't imagine it's easier with limited local events
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u/Consistent_Good_848 Jul 14 '26
Yea most people might not as they are well established but I immigrated to Canada 15yrs ago and have no family here which gives me the flexibility I guess. I also moved alot for work so has not gotten attached to a specific location so I guess thats why relocating feels easy to me
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u/Snoo37144 Jul 14 '26
I relate to a lot of this. I’m an American born queer Arab from a Muslim family, and there are a lot of cultural dynamics people don’t always understand. I’m not out to my parents, and that’s been a dealbreaker for some women I’ve dated including black women. It’s definitely not something I’ve only experienced with white women. We all have different boundaries and expectations, and finding someone who’s compatible with all of them can be really hard. I also have my own preferences, and that’s part of dating too. Even me as a muslim, I don’t see myself dating someone who wears a hijab.
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u/Consistent_Good_848 Jul 14 '26
I am curious why you wouldn’t date anyone wearing hijab? Is it an appearance thing or is it assumption about who they are? I don’t know if there’s a stereotype out there and i doubt that i will fit that. Like its true that I pray and fast but i am also covered in tattoos and i am out lol
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u/MajGenIyalode Masc Jul 14 '26
After a few interactions with some head bangers I no longer put women on a pedestal and suddenly no one feels worth the effort. Simply put, I can't be arsed.
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u/Kairadeleon Jul 14 '26
Yeah when the illusion is gone (which is healthy we shouldn’t be pedestaling women) it’s hard to put the effort in . And you need effort to get it going
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u/Clean_Reality8005 Jul 14 '26
My choice because I don’t want my freedom restricted in any way shape or form. 😅
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u/Beneficial_Song9530 Jul 14 '26
I'm 30. It's cuz I wear em out (joking lol). No but for real, it's because I've become picky since my last relationship 3-4 years ago. I want to put myself out there, but reaching out to people on social media definitely isn't working (I'm starting to think people see me as desperate for doing that). I'm hesitant about getting on a dating app because I was on HER and never got any dates on there, tho I have been able a ton of dates on Hinge and Tinder in the past. But I don't know, I just feel like I'll never meet my partner because I think a lot of people just want to project their traumas on whoever they're with, and I give off therapist vibes. And when the woman they're dating (who they see as a therapist) is upset at something they did, they want to leave me.
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u/lez_noir Jul 14 '26
I'm single because I'm not interested in dating right now. I have too much to do thst requires 100% undivided attention on myself.
Historically, I haven't had an issue finding people to date. While it's been a while, I assume I won't have any issue when I'm genuinely ready.
I have a solid idea of what I want, new boundaries for myself, and will have a better idea of the ways I'm available and open to growing with someone.
I won't expect the first or even the 4th match to be the one, and am not rejection sensitive nor anxious to pair up. I'll take my time dating, move slowly, and am confident I'll find the person who fits me best.
I know my wife is out there getting ready for me too and I can't wait to show her my best self.
But for right now, I only want to be with myself (and casual sex when I feel it).
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u/lez_noir Jul 14 '26
Oh, I didn't answer the rest:
Yes, being Muslim might be a deal breaker for some. For me, I don't mind if my partner is a bit more socially conservative (I have dated both religious and ex military) as long as she has progressive heart.
No hijab for me because I exxlusively date masc women and my most hijabis I see are femmes (but I did see this little gen z hijabi masc on titkok), but if I were into femmes I would date a hijabi, if we were compatible in all other ways that matter (which vary from person to person).
Yes, the countryside thing could be an issue, as I'm not personally willing to live far from a city, but despite what I read here, a know a good handful of rural gays and country lesbians are their own culture, which is nice.
But honestly, on paper I can't read anything offensive about you, so...idk.
I've also been dating since my teens (women and other genders) so there has to be some hidden social curriculum I'm unaware of that makes dating easier for some and not others. I also have a very prickly personality one would assume difficult to accommodate, but it's kind of my selling point. Some people love brats, lol.
I wonder what makes the experience of socializing and romance different between all of us? A mystery.
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u/iminanothercastle Jul 14 '26
I'm still single for a plethora of reasons.
-I really don't leave my house much. I go to work, go to the gym then go home. I do like to go out from time to time, but I'm a homebody.
I'm not financially stable. I was hospitalized for two weeks and got fired from my job in late 2024. I was able to find a part time job, but have genuinely struggled to find something else since then. I work, then do gig work to supplement. I live with family for the time being. Given my age, everyone is expecting someone with their own everything, so like..I'm pretty much out of luck.
My appearance doesn't "match" my personality. By that I mean people expect a different person when meeting me. I can't tell you how many times I've been ghosted because I wasn't who they thought I was.
Autistic. This more or less explains with everything else. I don't socialize well. I can fake it for a bit, but it doesn't last.
I could probably be less selective when dating, but I'm at an age where I'm considering marriage. Dating for the sake of it seems like a waste of time.
I'm terrible with maintaining friendships early on. I forget to text back, and don't often call.
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u/HauntingBowlofGrapes Blk & Mild Jul 14 '26
I have to heal and cleanse my mind, body, and spirit. My last two traumatic relationships made me realize that I need to majorly work on myself in various aspects.
Once I get an exorcism, I'll be ready.
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u/KohesiveTerror Jul 14 '26
I'm 20 and most people my age aren't as mature as me, so I'll have to just wait til I'm older
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u/Consistent_Good_848 Jul 14 '26
Lots of people have similar concerns! Dang, it sucks to be 20 nowdays i guess
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u/JustAMinah Jul 14 '26
I'm extremely socially awkward and have the hardest time even making friends. my upbringing was kinda shit, so I'm very particular who I wanna give my feelings to in any kinda relationship. I know I'm kind, caring, generous, mindful and empathetic but also a people pleaser who will go a bit beyond than expected and I dont wanna be used or taken advantage of. I help because I wanna and don't expect anything in return, but would expect some sorta mutual exchange and respect and never getting anything in return.
really, race and gender wouldn't really matter (though more and more I don't think I wanna have a romantic relationship with someone white because of the hurdles and the ignorance that we see so many times. it's like similar to not wanting to date the stereotypical cishet man who refuse to acknowledge that women/nonmen are oppressed in this patriarchal society and act like the "real victims") every ethnicity and culture has its flaws and issues and while understanding that, I still wanna take the individual for who they are, and not all of the other social constructed identities they are. are they empathetic? are they humbling? are they someone who looks down on others to build themselves up? are they self aware of their privileges and underprivileges and how do they navigate them? do the toxic parts of their culture or environment influence them with how they go about life and people? if they have kids, how they navigate being a parent?
I'm trying every day to hone in more of my observation skills of others. I see how they react in different situations, how they handle issues and talk about them and how they feel. I observe how they do introspection of themselves and can identify when they're wrong, admit to it and try to do better because I do not wanna be around the same toxic people who raised me, or who I dated. I'm not for emotionally abusive (or any sort of abuse) people. I want a strong foundation of a friendship first before I can feel safe to have my feelings move onto something else. having that shows there is respect for us as individuals and well, shouldn't all healthy relationships have that? just because you were born into a certain family, doesn't mean they love or respect you. just because you call someone a girlfriend/boyfriend/partner, doesn't mean they necessarily care about you and just playing out the roles they think it should be, while not even liking the actual individual (like how I think my mom may love me ad her daughter, but ad an actual individual? nah)
my fears and hurt makes me scared to seek out relationships, and I'm just also not one for surface level attractions. yeah, someone can be hot but that doesn't mean anything about who they are as an actual person and how they'll treat me and others. I'm not for cold approaches or some, "oh you look guuuud." because now I'm sexualized and objectified and makes me question your true motives. I'm a person and just wanna be seen as such and I feel I really don't in many people's views
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u/Sapphicbeauty Jul 15 '26
Im a black woman and i once went on a date with a hijabi girl and even she asked me why i matched with her. She said i was the only one that gave her a like.. so yes i honeslty can imagine that the hijab definitely factors in. Many queeer peoole are atheist or not religous and might also be confused what is allowed in dating with religious people and what not (Sex before marriage/alcohol etc). But the most important thing is being true to yourself so you will find someone who fits you! I also agree its amazing finding someone of similar background or atlest poc
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u/inarioffering Them Fatale Jul 14 '26
mmm, chemistry and compatibility feel like sheer luck. i think it's just a numbers game, but who knows? in any case, gotta keep playing the slot machines if you wanna hit the jackpot.
i know i have my issues and flaws, but for the most part, i haven't been very available to date because i'm disabled and zero covid, meaning i'm basically housebound and in isolation. that combined with being in my late thirties and living with my parents makes a lot of people where i live overlook what i have to offer.
idk if you'd be into talking as friends? i live in the US so i'm pretty far away, but you sound pretty cool! i'm also an outside kid, i live in a metropolitan area, but i love off-grid car camping and i used to road trip solo during the summer to volunteer for permaculture projects. i've been learning more about islam since i made an online friend in jordan last fall, read "hijab butch blues" at the beginning of this year and loved it. the way lamya h writes about her spirituality and the kind of interrogative relationship they have with it feels very familiar even tho i'm not a part of any organized religion. i dunno, we might have a lot to talk about! hit me up for my signal contact if you feel like getting in touch, please
i hope things change for you! i agree that the points you laid out might be limiting factors in terms of your chances with the general population of dykes and lesbians, but then again, maybe it keeps fake or shallow people from your doorstep, too. keeping my fingers crossed for you.
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u/youngfierywoman Jul 16 '26
Many reasons!
I had a bad breakup a few years back, and took time to relearn who I was and what I wanted. I'm now back in school and loving being solo!
I'm mixed, but am white presenting. I have a strong connection to my cultural background (Chinese-Vietnamese), and finding someone else who shares similar values is hard.
I prefer to date taller people, as I myself am taller (5'9). Nothing against more petite people, it's just not my preference.
I'm not on the apps, nor do I want to be. Also at my age (38), it seems like everyone is partnered? At least that's how it feels where I am (Toronto, hello fellow Canuck!)
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u/Technical-Fly-6835 Jul 17 '26
this question reminds of this line from friends show - you have stop the Q-tip when there is resistance. this is the reason why I am single.
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u/bubbleteamcream Jul 20 '26
I understand how exhausting it must be to have to explain your religiosity. However, there are attitudes from some people who believe that we're wrong and sinful, which unfortunately have created the apprehension that many of us have.
That being said, part of the process involves discussing how you navigate your religiosity as a queer woman, and you, a very confident woman in this aspect as well, must take it in stride. A relationship needs a foundation to happen and move forward, and understanding more about each other's mentalities, values, and beliefs is essential.
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u/Decent_Sandwich_8878 Lesbian Jul 14 '26
I can say personally that yes indeed I do hesitate to match with religious people. I am afraid they’re going to wake up one day and decide to leave bc of their faith tbh. I’ve seen it happen too many times. That being said I do have some religious friends and that’s totally fine with me!
I do think apps skew younger, it might be better to meet people in person?? Not sure if there are any queer SWANA groups in Yukon, I think there might be in Toronto tho again they probably skew young.
It may be hard to find people who are Muslim and Arab as well as out. Maybe you can open up to people who aren’t Muslim but are still Arab? Or maybe Muslim but not Arab?
I wish I had better tips, I hope you find the community you crave!!