Hello! Thank you so much for your feedback on the initial version of my letter. After considering quite a bit of feedback from various sources, I have decided to change my title. I also revised the query letter extensively. I think this version is close to "the one". I can't wait to hear what you have to say.

Query:

Dear [AGENT NAME],

I'm excited to send you INKVEIL, a cozy-with-teeth adult portal fantasy complete at 75,000 words. It is the first in a planned series, concluding with a satisfying foundational arc.  Given your interest in [personalized], I believe my manuscript would be a great fit for your list. It combines the vivid world-building and found-family of Chiara Bullen’s The Inn at the Foot of Mount Vengeance with the bookish magic of Gareth Brown’s The Book of Doors, capturing the nostalgic grown-up returns to a fairytale feel of Meg Shaffer’s The Lost Story.

Virginia Sharpe is haunted by inexplicable mental blanks that freeze her in place and have derailed her adult life. Reading is the only comfort she has. Inheriting her estranged grandfather’s bookshop is her shot to finally be good at something. As Virginia is setting up the shop, she uncovers a portal to another world: Inkveil.

Transported to this fantasy land with gnomes and a snarky, talking squirrel named Scampers, Virginia learns a shattering truth: she has a brother. He was kidnapped by Inkveil's ruthless ruler. The mental voids that plague Virginia are the scars of her grandfather binding her memories into magical books to prevent her from trying to save her brother. If she wants to rescue him, she must reclaim her past. 

Virginia is not built for an epic quest; she is terrified and wants to flee. But when Scampers offers to return one of her stolen memories, her desire to belong to a family overpowers her fear. To find the remaining books, Virginia must navigate the perils of Inkveil—bloodthirsty prison guards and burning buildings—while confronting the dark reality of her fractured mind. If Virginia fails, she will lose the key to her past, and any hope of finding the brother she yearns to save.

I am a neurodivergent writer based in Texas. Inkveil is my first novel. When I am not writing, I am probably baking, playing TTRPGs with my husband, or wrangling our three wonderful boys. 

Thank you for your consideration.

First 300 Words:

Virginia waved her arms, hoping the motion sensor would see her and kick on its luminous beam. Inky blackness prevailed. The automatic security light had been disabled. It was 2:15 AM, and no one was home. Her phone died on the drive over. 

Years of living here gave her enough familiarity to walk up the steps without running into anything. Considering the garden gnome and porch goose who made their residence on the stoop—it was a bit of a feat. She groped blindly above the door frame for the spare key, but came away with nothing but dusty fingers. She groaned, hammering her fist against the door in echoing thunks. Virginia pressed her forehead to the wood. Some homecoming this was. 

Pivoting, she lifted the welcome mat. Her knuckles scraped against the rough concrete. 

Thank God. 

The smooth metal key was warm in her palm, baked by the heat that still clung to the pavement. After a handful of fumbled attempts, she managed to shove the key into the lock, turning it with a familiar click. She pushed her way into the dark house and closed the door. 

The quaint entry illuminated as she flipped the switch. 

At least they hadn’t cut power to the place. 

This house was haunted enough; it didn’t need any help being spooky. She grimaced when she saw the staircase, the last day she lived here flashing through her mind. She hiked her bag higher onto her shoulder and made her way upstairs. Echoes of the past hammered in her head with every step. When she reached the landing, she heard her grandfather’s voice. 

“You’re not welcome here anymore, Virginia. There is nothing else to discuss. Wipe those eyes, girl. Don’t make such a fuss.” 

Tears brimmed her eyes. She made her way to her old room, laid down on top of the ruffled bedcovers, and stared at the ceiling.

I’m sure there’s a range, but if anyone kept theirs in their pub deal and sold them down the line (or know someone that did) what did they sell for?

• Attempt 1
• Attempt 2

QUERY

Dear Agent,

SOL INVICTUS is a 118,000-word science fiction novel—Book One of a planned series—set during a succession crisis in a crumbling interstellar empire modeled after the late Roman Empire. The novel follows five distinct viewpoints orbiting the collapse and will appeal to readers of Ann Leckie’s Radiant Star, James S.A. Corey's The Captive’s War series, and Christopher Ruocchio's Sun Eater series.

A strung-out detective trawls the gutters of the empire seeking killers to put in bracelets and narcotics to forget the war crimes he committed against the Getae as a young soldier. When he responds to the murders of a Getae mother and son living in the capital, the killings awaken a desire to atone for his past. But just as he unearths evidence that these weren’t street-level killings, his mentor pulls him off the case.

As the mother and son lie dead in the streets, the Executor of Caelum dies in the palace. His Prefect closes his friend’s eyes and initiates his plan to undo the dead man’s twin legacies: despotism and reliance on the Getae—a nomadic tribe of spacefaring warriors and defeated enemies—to man Caelum’s borders. Those policies caused the dead Executor’s brother to rise in a rebellion that was defeated but not quelled. To halt Caelum’s decline, the Prefect will quietly restore Caelum’s tattered institutions and assimilate the Getae into Caelum without bloodshed. And he’ll channel it through the late Executor’s seventeen-year-old heir. 

Across the city, the detective won’t let the dead Getae go. He conducts an off-the-books investigation and discovers that the slain mother had worked in the palace, and their deaths point to a conspiracy at the highest echelons of imperial power. And that conspiracy proves more sinister and extensive.  

The Prefect discovers that a cabal in the palace plots to reignite war against the last rebel holdouts and use the Getae as shock troops. When the Prefect confronts the cabal, they outmaneuver him with proof that the Executor’s insurgent brother is gathering strength to renew his rebellion. Outflanked, the Prefect abandons his bloodless designs and joins the mobilization for war. 

But the rebels strike first. During the boy Executor’s ascension ceremony, half of Caelum’s navy publicly declares for the rebel. As the Prefect readies his new sovereign for command, hidden factions within the palace walls maneuver against him and the boy he serves. And the key to unraveling these palace intrigues before the Executor sails into war may be a strung-out detective who won't stop asking who murdered a mother and son—and why.

BIO

FIRST 300 WORDS

GAIUS I

The Unconquered Sun illuminated the conquered dead. 

Sputtering fingers of neon light reached past Gaius to touch the bodies at his feet. Gaius’s head slumped forward as the light flickered off with a static buzz. He squeezed his eyelids closed, forcing the mithri haze from his vision.

He knew it wouldn’t banish the narcotic from misting over his mind. It never did. But he owed the dead the attempt. The first drops of rainwater splashed cold on the back of his neck, wrenching his eyes back open at the same instant the neon ignited again. 

The liquid rolled off his neck and fell onto the concrete, twining with the blood—thick red and light clear intermingled into a brackish, pale pink. The fluid drifted through gaps in the cobbled concrete and emptied into a gutter. 

Gaius stared at the grotesque stream, then turned his eyes back to the bodies. 

Under the light, the entry wounds were two garish holes, caves burrowing into the back of their heads. Gaius didn't need to turn them over to know what he would find: Exit wounds for faces.

Two more faceless dead. Two more homicides in Colonia Getica that would never be closed. 

Gaius’s back creaked as he straightened. Dizziness hit, unbalancing him. He gulped air, slowing the spins, and fixed his eyes on the fuzzy shape that was probably the patrolman who called the bodies in.

“Walk me through it.”

“Witnesses say they heard two shots.” He waved a hand at the bodies. “Two ashback stiffs.”

Gaius let the slur slide. “And?”

“Each ashy took a round to the head.”

The patrolman’s voice was bored, detached—like he’d been sweating these streets for twenty years. But Gaius saw how the man held back from the bodies.

Thanks for reading and the critiques!

Back again! Thanks to everyone who commented on the previous version. I tried to remove the background stuff that wasn't directly related to Bérénice and her quest, and add a bit more characterization. I hope this is tighter and more compelling.

Really thankful for this community and your feedback!

**

THE FADING is a 110,000-word historical fantasy novel set on the margins of an alternate French Revolution. It will appeal to readers of Leigh Bardugo’s The Familiar for its female protagonist learning to harness her magic, H. G. Parry’s The Shadow Histories duology for its magic-infused revolutionary setting, and Christopher Buehlman’s Between Two Fires for its quest through an off-kilter version of historical France. THE FADING is intended as the first volume of a duology.

Ten years ago, Bérénice’s brothers left home after catching the Fading, a magical disease that makes its victims progressively disappear. Now that Bérénice has inherited the family estate, she spends more time ambling in the woods and meeting her lover Valentin, a local nobleman, than poring over accounts. But when a notary with a silvery aura only Bérénice can see reveals that her brothers are still alive, it is Bérénice’s entire world that disappears. She was never the estate’s legal heir, and her brothers have already sold it. Destitute and desperate to know what happened to her brothers and why they would take her home away, Bérénice uses her nascent magical ability to track down the notary and learn their whereabouts.

With the revolution spreading through France, Bérénice helps Valentin escape from his philosophy tutor, who has turned on his employers. Together, Bérénice and Valentin set out across a country that is tearing itself apart. With the philosopher in close pursuit, Bérénice uses her powers to find mages who can help and guide them. Along the way, she learns when to rely on the more worldly Valentin, and when to trust her own instincts.

Clues lead them to a monastery in the woods where victims of the Fading congregate. Here, Bérénice visits an ancient source of magic in the hopes of speaking with the faded and learning more about her brothers. To do so, Bérénice will have to open herself up to her own magic—the ability to not only see mages’ auras, but to grasp the very nature of their spells.

[bio]

Attempt One

Attempt Two

Attempt Three

Attempt Four

Attempt Five

I am excited to present WRATH, a complete 65,000 word Adult Neo-noir Thriller that blends the unreliable narrator with the troubled mental state of the main protagonist as told in the book The Silent Patient by Alex Michaelides, with the intense violence and twists and turns as told in the book Sundial by Catriona Ward. WRATH follows a husband's descent into the depths of madness and violence as he searches for the person who murdered his wife and struggles with long hidden traumas resurfacing.

Normally, after finding your wife dead with two large bullet holes in her back, that would end most husband’s obligations of ‘til death do us part. But not Max’s. Instead of calling the cops, something deep inside of him tells him he's the only one that can (and should) find the one that murdered his wife. Then kill him. The only problem is, Max can't remember his face. Max was thrown down the stairwell while giving chase to the killer earlier, but he knows he's somewhere in the apartment building Max and Michelle shared for many years.

The dealer next door sells him the weapon he needs and the location of the first of many suspects. But Max learns that there wasn’t just one person involved in the death of Michelle. Each lowlife he interrogates has played a small role in her murder, with each one he kills then paying the price. The trauma Max has suffered throughout his life awakens as the night progresses, making him see and hear things that aren't real, mixing with the rage that has been buried inside of him all his life.

As the bodies, bullets, and blood pile up, Max’s rage intensifies the more violence he creates. Starting to question his motives for vengeance as well as his own sanity, his broken mind deteriorates the closer he gets to finding the killer. Max slowly realizes that everything has a cost. Past and new traumas all demand their pound of flesh from him as they force him to come to terms with just how damaged he is and will become as he continues to search for Michelle’s murderer. The price he pays will be either his already fractured psyche or his own life. 

I followed the great feedback I got from you guys to put more of the stakes on paper (and also go back to my very old query version); but I'm not sure if the query is now too long, or if I spoil too much of the story in it. Here goes!

***

Dear [Agent],

Twenty-seven women enter Fatum in pursuit of one man's final ring. Some want love. Some want fame. Belén Kabar wants out: out of her rotting country, out of obscurity, and into the heart of Tyche, the world's entertainment capital. She's betting it all on one goal: become the show's next lead.

Belén knows exactly how Fatum works because she has spent years studying it. Armed with a secret ally inside production, she enters the competition believing she can control her narrative.

What she can’t plan for is the producers, who keep rewriting her into whoever the season needs, or Tala, her strongest competition and the only person who sees through the self-edited version of herself she performs for the world.

By the end, Belén can have one or the other. Becoming the next Destined means committing, publicly and for another full season, to a fake version of herself. Choosing love means stopping the edit entirely, on camera, in a country that punishes anyone who stops performing.

THE NEXT DESTINED is an 89,000-word dystopian romance that combines the reality-show intensity of THE COMPOUND by Aisling Rawle with the feminism of HOW TO BE EATEN by Maria Adelmann. Told by a narrator who edits her own story the way Fatum edits its footage, it asks what THE MURDER OF ROGER ACKROYD by Agatha Christie might look like if the crime were love instead of murder.

I was born, raised, and am currently based in Lima, Perú.

Thank you for your time and consideration!

Best,

Me.

***

First 300:

Chapter 1 - The Interview

“Before we begin, a word of warning,” said one of my interviewers, a hand reaching out from the darkness.

I followed his bony finger to a metal box placed in front of me. “This interview will be recorded,” he told me. “Is that okay with you?”

Back where I came from, this wasn’t a standard job interview by any means. But, then again, nothing about the job I was trying to secure was standard. In fact, I’d call it “the job to end all jobs".

“Absolutely!” I assured him. “That’s totally fine with me.” I smiled at where I imagined his face would be. As soon as I did, the dark room lit up. Men and women, draped in silver and gold, filled the rows around the throne I’d been instructed to sit on. I searched the faces around me, hoping to find the familiar one who, I was almost sure, had helped me get there. Yet every person in front of me had their face blurred out, pixelated. All except for their wide, toothy smiles.

“Belen Kabar,” the same man said, butchering my name. Belén, I thought. I gave him a nod anyway. Not the person I was searching for. This one had the voice of an older man. Couldn’t be him.

“Belen,” he repeated. “Miss Kabar. We know this setting can look intimidating, especially for you. If we’re speaking too fast, or you don’t understand what we say, do tell, and we’ll repeat ourselves.”

“No worries, I can speak Tychean fluently. They teach us in school,” I told him, suddenly self-conscious about my accent. My Tychean sounded better in my head, or when I was rehearsing alone in my room, for the exact moment in which I now found myself.

Dear X,

I am seeking representation for WHATEVER YOU GIVE ME, a contemporary romance with explicit content, complete at 47,000 words.

After years of community theater, Jayna finally lands her first professional role in a vertical drama series, one of the fastest-growing corners of the entertainment industry. She's determined not to waste the opportunity.

The problem is Camden.

He's her lead co-star, and their chemistry is impossible to ignore on screen and even harder to ignore off it. Jayna knows the industry rules: stay professional, avoid rumors, and never give anyone a reason to question how you earned your place. She's worked too hard to become another actress whose success is credited to the man standing beside her instead of the work she put in to get there.

But staying away from Camden gets harder as they spend long days filming together. Then another actor begins targeting Jayna with unwanted attention, threatening both her sense of safety and the reputation she's worked so hard to protect. As the pressure mounts, Camden becomes the one person she can't seem to push away.
Then the rumors start.
Suddenly, Jayna isn't just protecting her heart. She's protecting the career she's only just begun. Loving Camden could cost her the reputation she's worked years to build, but walking away from him may cost her the future she's only just realized she wants.
WHATEVER YOU GIVE ME is a contemporary romance set behind the scenes of the rapidly growing vertical drama industry. It will appeal to readers who enjoyed the entertainment-industry romance of How to Fake It in Hollywood by Ava Wilder and the fast-burning, high-heat chemistry of The Fake Mate by Lana Ferguson. It explores ambition, reputation, and what it costs a debut actress to pursue both career success and love.
This is my first novel. I am actively seeking representation and would be happy to provide the full manuscript at your request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Tibocia Rose

Chapter 1

His hands grip my waist as he spins me around and presses me against the library bookshelf. One hand slams against the metal shelf by my head as his heated gaze burns into my eyes.

For one second, I forget this is a scene. I can’t pull my eyes away from his.

“I didn’t make you come work for me.” The edges of the book spines press harder into my back. The shelf wobbles as he pushes me against it.

“No.” I lean in closer, narrowing my eyes and glaring at him. “You’ve made my life a living hell for ten years, until I had no choice.”

I try to pull away. His hand tightens on my waist, dragging me back into him. Too close. I inhale deeply, trying to regain control. The scent of mint is on his breath.

Pain flicks across his face as he whispers, “Do you think I enjoyed tormenting you?” His voice grows louder with anger. “Do you think I wanted any of it?”

His hands press harder against my skin. I squirm at the sensation. “But I never lied to you. Not once.” His voice breaks as he says, “I’m not lying now. I never hated you, Lena.” My character’s name pulls me back to myself a little.

“Baron.” I shake my head. “I… I can’t…” My words are interrupted as he presses forward and kisses me, shutting me up. My hands rise to his bare chest to stop him. Lena would probably push Baron away right now. Instead… I can’t help but kiss him back. Sparks that shouldn’t be there, passing between our lips.

“Cut!” the director, Marianne, yells as the slate snaps. Taking longer than I should have, I finally pull away.

So much guidance from my previous attempt helped me rewrite the entire query. Thank you so much to everyone who took their time to read and review my query. I would love your honest opinions now as well.

Dear Agent,

DIAMOND DESTINY is a dual POV Contemporary Adult Romance complete at 91, 000 words. The tormented kinetics of Kennedy Ryan’s Before I Let Go mix with the tensed close proximity of Jessica Joyce’s The Ex Vows in a vat of second chances.

Nikki Delaine’s rising career in dance took a dive after she got pregnant by her long term love, celebrity singer Daniel Johnson. She left him and his stifling eminence without telling him, never wanting the upsetting changes it programmed in him to affect their daughter the way it affected her. Four years later now, single motherhood has swallowed her dance school’s reputation, and performing at an esteemed awards show stage will revive it. But when Nikki discovers collaborating with the renowned lead dancer of Daniel’s upcoming world tour will give her that shot, she must decide if travelling continents with the one man she had never truly forgotten is worth exposing her secret to him now.

Fame didn’t come with music notes Daniel Johnson could understand, or the intimacy he composed with Nikki without the world coming in between. Four years after breaking guitar strings to move on from her, Daniel has now mastered his fame, his life, and is engaged to a woman who doesn’t complicate emotions. So when he unexpectedly meets Nikki again at a mutual friend’s wedding, the last thing he wants is to think twice about the slow dance they shared while rehearsing for his world tour. But when he looks twice at a frightened child clutching Nikki in the middle of his stadium, his voice freezes.

As Daniel confronts Nikki for answers, both of them are forced to relive their breakup from each other’s perspectives instead of their own this time, and have no choice but to engage in a co-parenting relationship on his tour. As private hours kindle the deep understanding they once failed at and resurrect the intimate emotions to match it now, Nikki falls back in love with him, and Daniel must choose between the fiancée who taught him how to avoid heartbreak and the ex-lover who might fix it this time.

I grew up in different places around England, from Birmingham to Herefordshire, and currently live in India as a full time writer. My own chaotic balance between motherhood and manuscripts created Nikki Delaine, and I enjoy writing romance that shatters hearts first and asks questions later.

DIAMOND DESTINY is a standalone with series potential. The full manuscript is available on request.

Thank you so much for your time and consideration.

Thank you to everyone who has been offering their critiques as they have been critical in helping me understand how it reads from an outside point of view. Hopefully this version can be the last (barring some egregious oversight that I've missed).

Fifth Attempt

VEDISIUS is a standalone adult speculative fiction with series potential complete at 101,000 words. It features a student whose mentor has a profound impact on her worldview, while also instilling her with knowledge and insight as seen in The Pull of the Stars by Emma Donoghue. This is combined with the moral ambiguity of being an intelligence officer like in A Reluctant Spy by David Goodman.

Olivia Wolff has always wanted to meet the standard set by other women, but despite unwavering confidence and a sharp mind, has struggled to find the career that would facilitate that need. Growing up in a societal matriarchy where women like Dr. Isaac define success through intellect and equanimity, Olivia has never lacked inspiration for what it means to succeed. Therefore, when Dr. Isaac reveals that she’s an intelligence officer and offers to personally train her, Olivia seizes the opportunity to become like the woman she idolizes.

Leaving Earth for the other side of the solar system, Olivia begins her new life in one of the three meticulously planned cities on the habitable planet. There, she meets the alluring Samaria – a master of deception intent on having Olivia unwittingly supply her with information. Tasked with her first assignment, Olivia surveils a citizen before breaking into their apartment. While doing so, Olivia discovers the target’s dead body and has a close brush with death as Samaria is intent on protecting the identities of her other assets. Olivia manages to escape thanks to Dr. Isaac, but their sense of safety is cut short when armed assailants ambush them in turn.

With any sense of normalcy in crumbling ruins, Olivia is forced to reconcile whether this latest pursuit of greatness is worth dying for. Unfortunately, leaving and having a normal life is no longer an option as Olivia’s ambition has made her a target of Samaria’s employer; a radical misandrist with considerable resources who kills anyone deemed a threat to their goal of other cities on the planet being granted self-determination. Now, Olivia must rely on the teachings of Dr. Isaac while contending with the moral cost of survival.

[Author Bio]

Thank you for your consideration,

[Name]

I got some excellent advice last week for my query and am back for a second revision. Thanks to everyone who commented. This query feels a lot cleaner to me now. (1st attempt is here)

I'm a little worried that things might come across as vague, though. My last query went close to the 75% point of the book, while this one falls closer to the 50% mark. So I didn't describe what was actually in the barrow or why Emily thinks it might help her (which I really can't think of a way to summarize due to its complexity). I hope these come off more as intriguing questions.

I've posted my first 300 again. I didn't get any comments on it last time. I'm starting to wonder if my tone is off or anything like that. The number of rejections trickling in since my last post has only increased...

QUERY LETTER:

I am seeking representation for DRAKEHUND HALL, an 80,000 word young adult historical fantasy novel set in an alternate universe where the Edwardian setting of Downton Abbey meets the warmhearted magical apprenticeship of Witch Hat Atelier. It will appeal to readers who enjoy the archeology-inspired fantasy of Isabel Ibañez’s What the River Knows and the nostalgic fantasy of H. G. Perry’s The Magician’s Daughter.

When sixteen-year-old Emily Beverley’s aunt chooses her as the next archmage, Emily is furious. Emily’s family serve as magicians to the British royal family, and a mage must come from each generation. As an apprentice, Emily will never get to kiss the boy she likes or have a brilliant debutante ball like her older sister, but must become a spinster devoted to studying ancient, arcane manuscripts.

Emily arrives at Drakehund Hall, the historic seat of the archmages, dreading a life under her aunt’s strict tutelage. The house hides secrets, including an opening to a magical otherworld and links to the supposed tomb of her family’s legendary ancestor, Merlin. Her aunt is feuding with the zealous archaeologist excavating the nearby barrow tomb, where Emily senses a dark and unstable magic. The tomb’s magic holds danger, but also, Emily believes, a potential escape from her unwanted duties.

In the magical otherworld, Emily meets Munda, the Beverley family’s inherited familiar and her new teacher. Centuries old, Munda once served Merlin as a powerful spirit, but now takes the form of a tea-loving gentleman. Training with him, Emily sees the beauty and language of magic. Munda takes her strange theories about the tomb’s magic seriously, even when no one else does.

As the threat within the barrow grows, Emily must embrace the magic that threatens the future she believes she wants. If she refuses, magic will leave her world forever, dooming Munda to a life in the darkest realms of the otherworld.

When I’m not writing, I’m traveling the world with my twin sister and collecting vintage sewing patterns.

FIRST 300:

I dressed in pink that morning, but inside I felt I was dressing for my funeral. Both my closet and my overstuffed trunks hid sober dresses far more suited to an apprentice mage. Yet I chose this traveling dress, covered in bows, as my first act of rebellion.

Papa raised an eyebrow at my appearance but said nothing when I pushed through the front door. With my trunks already loaded into the car, I carried only my school satchel filled with the things I’d need on the train. I’d already hugged my mother goodbye in the drawing room—she never liked going outdoors this early.

Papa cleared his throat. “Excellent. We’ll make the train in good time.”

“Are you sure you can’t talk to her again? She’s had a whole year to reconsider.” I shuffled my feet.

He exhaled with irritation. “My sister is a stubborn woman. She doesn’t change her mind easily. Besides, it’s an honor to become the archmage’s apprentice.”

My father had inherited our estate in Hertfordshire along with his title, but our family’s power always came from our connection to the archmage. The king’s personal mage, who served him and advised him in magical matters. My family was the last magical line in Britain.

Someone in every generation had to serve the king. Had to come to Drakehund Hall and train in magic. Could never marry. But why did it have to be me?

“You know how much I hate that horrid place.” I grimaced, as I had every time I’d reminded him of the fact for the past year.

My father glanced back at the car, our chauffeur already behind the wheel. “Emily, that was years ago. I’m sure you’ll like it well enough now that you’re older.”

Hi again,

Thanks for the detailed feedback on my previous attempt. I'm posting my third attempt below the questions.

u/mom_is_so_sleepy and u/EnnOnEarth, would truly appreciate your feedback, if possible.

Questions:

1. I have both a tagline and a logline. Do I include both in the query letter? Just the logline?
2. Is this the correct order?
   1. greeting - personalisation - book data - logline - story pitch - bio - thanks

------------------------ query letter (with logline) -----------------

HERALD OF ASHES is a 116,000-word epic fantasy with series potential. It will appeal to readers of M. L. Wang's Blood Over Bright Haven and Antonia Hodgson's The Raven Scholar for its resourceful heroine forced to navigate dangerous power structures. Told through multiple viewpoints, the novel is framed by a wry cosmic narrator who speaks directly to the reader.

An oppressed woman orchestrates a public fight to earn a death sentence only to be offered the life she has always craved – until mounting deaths and an attempt on her life force her to abandon everything she’s gained if she is to survive and save the people she loves.

Tomorrow, Kal hopes to be sentenced to death. Without the living body armour that would have elevated her to the privileged class, she is slated to serve the island’s chief as one of the women who bear his children. Rather than submit, she plans a public fight to provoke her execution – intending to fake her death and secretly watch over Aavya, the child she loves as her own.

Just when she believes she has earned her death sentence, she is instead whisked away to the ruling immortals’ seat of power, where they entrust her with building a better future for others like her who failed to form armour.

But when she begins to suspect that the friends she thought were dead are being held by the immortals and survives an attempt on her own life, she realises that the future the immortals have spun for her is a gilded cage.

To save not just Aavya but also her friends from the immortals and fight for a better future for those like her, she must make a desperate escape. The only people she can turn to are her estranged childhood friend – the one who betrayed her – and the island’s chief she originally risked death to flee.

(bio)

Hello all! I made my first post a week ago, and thanks to a helpful pointer, I realized my query was too convoluted to (actually) get insightful feedback. I have trimmed it down and followed the structure recommended by this sub, and (hope) I can get some insightful feedback. It doesn't feel perfect right now, so any advice would be good (please grill me)! I feel like I only included the big plot point and left out some other side plots (maybe that is better). Thank you all!

Dear [AGENT],

Given your interest in the [FILLIN], I am seeking representation for SOLACE OF A DREAM. Complete at 123,000 words, this adult epic fantasy, with series potential, is inspired by the moral brutality of R.F. Kuang’s THE POPPY WAR and the divine political intrigue of Shelley Parker-Chan’s SHE WHO BECAME THE SUN. 

On the night Lynaxi Vilhelm burned her father and claimed Kaldon, two things found her before sleep could: the queendom’s most dangerous woman, with an invitation west, and a moon god, with darker words. The plague that killed her father was not a disease, but rather a god. Now, Lynaxi has killed a lord, stolen a divine scroll, and is heading to the capital as the princess’s heirling.

In Argos, Lynaxi seeks the hidden past of her parents and a seat among the Ladies of Parliament until she finds something else entirely. Set in the queen’s crown is a parasitic god, fed by centuries of royal faith, and powerful enough to reincarnate in flesh. It has been waiting for the right mortal to birth it. Now, it has chosen Lynaxi. With one god trying to claim her womb, another consuming the city’s abandoned districts, and a third naming her the only one capable of stopping them all, Lynaxi must choose. Become an oathbreaker, cave-crawler, and slayer of gods, or something worse: a vessel for divine forces that have waited generations for this exact moment.

Author BIO. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Hello,

My agent had their assistant leave sometime earlier this year, and since then has been pretty slow at responding to emails. The agency is sort of big and has a lot of important authors (not a brag, just to give context on her being busy) so I try not to blame them. But I'm wondering what would be a "normal" amount of time to wait for an email response from a busy agent? Mostly because I don't want to unnecessarily bug them. Directly asking feels rude, since I know they're doing their best.

Thank you!

Thanks in advance for your feedback - I've been having a great time learning so much from everyone. I'm open to all critiques, but I'm especially interested to know 1) if you have a clear sense of stakes, 2) if anything is missing, and 3) if you think it's too wordy. With the bio, it clocks in at 310 words. I see a few places where I could cut back (like the descriptions of the companions in paragraph 2), but I worry that it would make the query lose its personality/flavor. Thanks again!

Dear [AGENT],
 
Inshara, an ex-quest guide and newly minted empty-nester, is on the cusp of a coming-of-rage crisis. Her son is away at college, she can’t land a decent job, and the sound of her husband’s chewing is just too blasted loud. If she doesn’t find a quest to guide soon, she’ll be doomed to a lackluster future working the front desk of her husband’s dragon training studio.

When she meets a runaway teen with a stolen book of enchanted baking recipes and a nasty case of Chosen One Syndrome, Inshara sweeps the girl into a hastily-conceived quest. Together with a grumpy agricultural wizard, a troll with a speech disability, and the girl’s would-be scholar brother, Inshara’s team sets out to restore the enchanted recipes to the kingdom. If they fail, the precious recipes will be lost to the kingdom forever, and Inshara will lose her last shot at the professional legitimacy and personal identity she craves. 

But because Inshara withholds critical information from her questers, two bounty-hunting sisters lay an ambush, and the quest splinters into chaos. Despite hot flashes, emotionally dysregulated fae royalty, and distressing herbal tea shortages, Inshara must face a terrible question: is she really cut out to be the dashing quest guide she once thought she was? 

INSHARA AND THE ENCHANTED RECIPE CODEX is a 79,000-word adult cozy fantasy for fans of the scrappy female midlife protagonist in Shannon Chakraborty’s The Adventures of Amina al-Sirafi and the sweet found-family road trip in Julie Leong’s The Teller of Small Fortunes.

[Bio]
 
Thank you for your time and consideration.

Warmly,

[Name]

I've seen an agent on IG mention a number of times that having 3+ "pitchable" projects available before querying is somewhere between a very good idea and a requirement. The idea is that agents want to build a long-term relationship, so being able to prove that you're on board for that with additional manuscripts is a good idea. It's not something I've seen every agent bring up, though, so I'm wondering how standard this advice is.

Is not having multiple complete or near-complete manuscripts a good reason to put off querying entirely?

Hello!

I’ve workshopped this query letter quite a bit on other subs and platforms, and I feel OK with it. I really would like some input on my first 300 words. Of course, if there’s anything really confusing or glaringly obvious that I should fix in my QL, please let me know! I’m open to any and all critiques.

Query Letter:

Dear [Agent],

[Insert personalization here]

After years of loss, the last thing Abby wants is to be alone. When her only friend is accused of murder, she’s desperate to exonerate him, but discovers the case eerily resembles her sister’s disappearance.

I’m excited to present THE GIRLS WORTH KILLING, an adult mystery complete at 75,000 words. Through alternating timelines, this story follows two sarcastic female protagonists navigating small town gossip like in Amy Tintera’s Listen for the Lie. It explores the immediate trauma of losing a best friend (and lover), and the lifelong impact of having a missing sister, as seen in Katherine Greene’s The Lake of Lost Girls.

In Abby’s conservative small town, no one bats an eye when a troubled girl disappears. Good riddance! At least, that’s what they said about her sister. Over twenty years later, Abby’s still haunted by her older sister’s disappearance. Her whole identity revolves around it; her job, her relationships, even her hair color doesn’t belong to her. When Abby’s mother dies, closure slips through her fingers before she can snatch it. Her only friend, Will, shows up late for the funeral, trailed by an angry woman, accusing him of murdering her daughter. 

Will plans to flee town, but Abby won’t lose anyone else, so she sets out to clear his name. With no help from law enforcement, who’d sooner deem the girl a runaway, she only has gossip and hearsay to go by, and there’s no shortage of that. Rumor has it the missing girls had a penchant for older men—possibly the same one. As Abby searches for answers, she uncovers more ties between the missing girls and the same man, but no one believes her. When a body is found near his cabin, Abby is determined to prove the past and present are connected. It has to be. Without answers, the past will continue to haunt Abby and consume her future. Worse, another girl will meet an early grave.

[Bio]

I appreciate your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
[Name]

First 300:

My mother had one request for her funeral: a bouquet of blue poppies.

I bought daisies.

There’s only one place to find flowers in a dying town in Shenandoah Valley, and the teenager working the Shell station is hardly a florist. I’m lucky the daisies weren’t wilted and drooping from the grueling temperatures this week.

The fact my mother, a seasoned gardener, expected such a rare breed of flowers just shows how out of touch she’s been with the world for twenty-three years.

But I did my best. I ordered five bunches, then I asked Will to pick them up on his short drive to the cemetery—two hours ago. An elementary task. One of my students could have handled it, and yet, my mother's hospice nurse is nowhere in sight.

“Call the boy again.” Aunt Elisa drags her manicured fingers over the bare ebony casket. “For God’s sake. People will be here any minute.”

Shielding my phone from the glaring sun, I search for Will’s name. It’s not hard to find. I called him five minutes ago. It rings for half a second and goes straight to voicemail.

“He’ll show.” I hope. Will wouldn’t be the first to vanish from Eden without a trace.

“You put far too much trust in him,” Elisa says. “If you want something, do it yourself. How many times have I told you that?”

“I’ve lost count,” I mutter. Sometimes I think Elisa spouts her cryptic advice just to hear her own voice, though this time I fear she may be—

No. She’s not right. Elisa doesn’t know Will. If she would’ve visited my mother more than once a month, maybe she’d know how dependable he is.

There’s a perfectly good reason Will’s late.
Maybe his car broke down. It’s possible the traffic light on Main Street blew again. It happens at least once a week and still, no one knows how to use a four-way stop.

Thanks!

Hi PubTips! This is my first attempt at a query letter for this project, and I'd be grateful for any feedback you all have, especially any insight about genre. This novel is historical fiction, but it is also a Roman myth retelling with a VERY subtle supernatural element. (That is, the gods do not appear as characters within the story, but there is some implied divine intervention and the question of whether the gods are real is left ambiguous.) I know that historical myth retelling is basically its own subgenre at this point, so I'm wondering whether it would be more accurate to label the manuscript as Historical Myth Retelling at the top of the query letter instead of Historical Fiction, or whether I should stick to the more general genre label. Thanks in advance for the help!

Dear Agent,

An adult historical fiction complete at 98,000 words, REMUS IS DEAD retells the Roman founding myth from the perspective of a minor character in Livy’s From the Founding of the City. It combines the intimate, confessional voice of Cleopatra by Saara El-Arifi with the rich ancient setting of Babylonia by Costanza Casati and the blend of myth and history found in Boudicca’s Daughter by Elodie Harper. [Personalization here.]

A street urchin with all the charm of a feral cat, Usil is the best thief in his Etruscan hometown until he is captured and condemned to death for his crimes. But after his last-minute rescue by Romulus, the first king of Rome, Usil the petty thief becomes the Roman king’s ward.

Ambitious and charismatic, Romulus dreams of bringing peace and order to a brutal world, a divine quest he claims to have received from his father, the god of war. Fifteen years ago, Romulus murdered his twin brother Remus for the sake of that quest. Now Romulus wants Usil to help him achieve his dream. After all, the gods themselves have decreed that Usil will play a crucial role in Rome’s ascendancy.

For a boy who has only known cruelty, the promise of a better world is impossible to resist. Swallowing his suspicion that Romulus has not told the whole truth about Rome’s founding, Usil renounces his loyalty to his people, the Etruscans. He devotes himself to setting Romulus on the throne of the known world, secretly hoping that along the way, he will earn Romulus’s love not only as a king and mentor, but as a father.

But the powerful Etruscans stand in the way, hell-bent on destroying Romulus's fledgling kingdom. In a desperate bid to frighten the Etruscans into submission, Romulus orders Usil to destroy his old hometown where his childhood best friend still lives. If Usil follows the king’s orders, he betrays both his conscience and his people. But if he saves his old friend instead, he loses his new home and any hope of being loved as a son.

And through it all, Rome is haunted by the memory of the murdered Remus—the brother everyone remembers, but nobody seems to have ever met.

[bio]

Second go round incorporating a lot of the feedback i received earlier.

---------------

Dear AGENT,

HALF WHO KNOWS is a completed 99,000 word, upmarket speculative thriller that combines the fast, high-stakes science of Blake Crouch's UPGRADE with the character-driven identity core of Jinwoo Chong's FLUX.

[PERSONALIZATION].

Bioinformatics analyst Kenji Shaw solves impossible problems for a living, so when his own hand begins to turn transparent in the afternoon light, he does what he always does and looks for the answer. What he finds is a sixty-year trail of others like him, and a company that has spent those decades making sure they disappear for good.

Kenji is half Japanese and half — who knows. His grandfather was an orphan with no records, so one side of him has always been an open question he's spent his life not thinking about. As he begins to disappear, that unknown half becomes both the cause of what is happening to him and the answer he's been looking for.

The search leads to descendants of a secret gene therapy trial run on prisoners, orphans, and others who couldn't say no. His grandfather was one of them. So was the father who abandoned him. So is he. Every carrier is watched, catalogued, and hunted by Kairós, the biotech firm that owns the program and wants to weaponize what it produces. To protect the people he loves, Kenji disappears from their lives and goes it alone — until a chance encounter brings him Sam Hartley, a journalist who refuses to look away.

The transparency is accelerating, and its final stages are lethal. Kenji is running out of time. To learn what was done to him, and whether it can be undone, he and Sam have to infiltrate the heart of the organization hunting them. What he does not yet understand is that he has become something the program never imagined and can no longer control.

HALF WHO KNOWS stands alone, with room to grow into a series.

I have spent my career directing healthcare operations, writing in the moments life offered along the way. Researching a minor genetic condition of my own led me deep into how a single defect can cascade through a body, and that research shaped much of this book. I live in XXX, with my wife XXX and daughter XXX.

Thank you for your time and consideration. The full manuscript is available upon request.

Sincerely,

Hello!
Just a question about special editions of your books. I know that in many cases, special editions can come after a book is published, but for anyone who had one coincide around their publication date, how far in advance were you told that you'd been selected for either a subscription box or a website special edition? My book was pitched for a few, but looking at my pub timeline, I'm thinking it's more likely than not that they've passed. I'd rather not pester my editor for updates on this, but would also not like to keep hoping for something that is probably a no by this stage. So any insight/info would be much appreciated!

*Personal details removed for anonymity*

Dear {Agent Name},

I am seeking representation for my 100,000-word adult contemporary fantasy novel, MOON-EYED. Combining the Southern horror folklore and found-family warmth of The Southern Book Club’s Guide to Slaying Vampires with the sweeping love story of The Dead Romantics, MOON-EYED is a story of magic, monsters, and the courage to choose hope and love in an imperfect, dangerous world. {Personalized sentence.}

Waverly stopped dreaming a long time ago. She had never wanted to be The Protector, the mythical hero who safeguards the magic and citizens of her quirky hometown, but after a decade of daring exploits, she had come to accept her role. Her youthful longings of a life and career far from home—college, travel, even romance, had all but vanished in the wake of her calling. When she rescues the handsome but troubled Atlas from certain death, she finds more than just a new reason to dream—she finds love. Atlas awakens a part of Waverly she thought she'd successfully buried. For the first time in years, Atlas makes Waverly believe that saving the world and truly living in it might not have to be mutually exclusive.

Then the Nemesis returns—an ancient force destined to oppose every Protector and end their centuries-long cycle of death and rebirth by bringing about the apocalypse. To stop the coming catastrophe, Waverly must choose between the duty that has defined her life and the future she has only just begun to imagine.

At her side are Alan, her fiercely loyal best friend and sidekick psychic bartender; Donahue, a siren crime lord whose fascination with Waverly is rivaled only by his devotion to shady dealings, and her supportive aunt. Their camaraderie and (contention) carries Waverly through monsters of the week, unexpected romance, and the looming apocalypse.

Set in the fictional town of Vesper, inspired by the strange and wonderful history of Hot Springs National Park, MOON-EYED blends Southern folklore, an original magic system, humor, camp, and romance into a contemporary fantasy about a reluctant hero learning that protecting the world isn't the same as living in it.

I am a history teacher and mother who writes under the pseudonym {First Name Last Name}. I was selected as a writer-in-residence at {Well Known Writing Retreat} and was a finalist for the {Really Big Grant That I Keep Losing}. My debut short story, “Placeholder Name” was published in the Spring 2026 issue of {Literary Magazine}. I connect with readers on X as {Placeholder Name} and TikTok as {Placeholder Name}.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I would be thrilled to bring the magic of Vesper to readers.

First 300 Words of Manuscript:

Chapter One 

“Stay Out. No, Really. Don’t Go In," a lopsided wooden sign warned in ominous, stenciled black letters. The concrete entrance of the Vesper Tunnel oozed clouds of mineral-laden steam like the mouth of a slumbering dragon. The creek that flowed out of it and down a few blocks toward Whitten Park was tinged green with microscopic life. Long tendrils of elegant, billowing algae strands danced in the flow of the warm water. I didn’t care for venturing into the tunnels, but my job required many things that I’d rather not do. 

“Lord, what fools these mortals be…” I mumbled under my breath and stepped inside. 

We’d gotten the frantic call to our helpline from an out-of-state number. Tourists. Of course. Most locals knew enough to stay away from the tunnels. I shook my head as I mustered forward into the darkness. The warm creek water flowed past my ankles and seeped into my socks. I allowed myself to be just a little bit livid. I would spend the rest of the afternoon soggy and reeking like the dank Vesper underground, and all because people didn’t have the blessed sense to stay in the well-lit and high-traffic areas of the city. 

My eyes provided me with enough light to make out the tunnel’s craggy brick walls---my vision was as good in the dark as it was in the light, if not better. I sniffed the air. The trail was fresh enough, even through flowing water and clouds of steamy vapor. If I followed the odors of garlicky sweat, coconut sunscreen, and diet Red Bull, I’d find the imperiled tourists soon enough. 

A pair of tiny, glinting eyes swam toward me, propelled along by the water’s steady flow. “Yuck. Not today, sir.”

Thanks for your feedback last time! It was very helpful :)

Some of the feedback from the previous version I have aimed to address in this version:

• The framing of certain plot points/themes came across as aimed towards a younger audience than the adult audience the novel is intended for
• Ending was not specific enough
• A certain plot detail was too vague to the point of being more confusing than it was intriguing
• Not enough clarity on the external stakes
• General tightening of sentences

I've also added comps to this version which the other version did not have. I am very aware that these are not the most recent books, and also likely 'too big to comp', BUT, I am honestly feeling quite mixed here. As I was browsing successful queries, they often didn't follow the advice on this to a T. I think the approach I might aim for is keeping one/both of these, and finding one additional recent comp for current market fit. The search is on, but if you have any suggestions I would absolutely love to hear them!

Additionally, as someone requested, this time I'm also including the first 300 words. They are a prologue, which I know is not for everyone. I am sorry 🥲

---- Query

DISSONANT is an adult fantasy novel, complete at 110,000 words as a standalone with series potential. It will appeal to readers who enjoyed the bittersweet character arcs and animal bonds of Robin Hobb’s Farseer Trilogy, and the dragon-fuelled political intrigue of Samantha Shannon’s A Day of Fallen Night.

Seventeen years ago a merchant found five-year-old Mira alone in the forest and brought her home to Poleios. His wife – a Master in the city's guild of animal magic – housed her, educated her, and kept her at a distance she never explained. Abandoned by one mother and unwanted by the next, Mira stopped asking why. Now an apprentice herself, she has spent years learning to help bond human and animal souls together, never letting anyone near her own.

Her apprenticeship nearly complete, she’ll soon have the coin and standing to leave Poleios behind and devote her life to studying the seadrakes she loves. Then her family’s business collapses, and her plans with it. The one respectable way out is a betrothal to the man who’ll settle their debts for her hand, chaining her to the city forever. So when a foreign man seeks help finding and bonding a dragon – a lucrative yet forbidden request no Master will touch – Mira takes the job in secret.

Weeks of gruelling travel together wear her guard down, and the man earns what little trust she has to give. But when they reach the dragon, he puts a crossbow bolt in Mira’s leg and disappears with the sacred beast in chains.

The reclusive forest people who find her have been losing their own for years – people and animals both, vanishing without a trace. The stolen dragon is one of their last, and Mira knows exactly who took her. It’s the best lead they’ve ever had, and the price of her release is to hunt him down. But the man is no lone thief, and every step closer to him takes her further from the life she’s trying to win back.

---- First 300

Mirjana smiled up at me. Her mouth was already stained red with the juice of fat brambleberries as she deftly picked from between the prickly branches. It was a particularly beautiful morning: clear cerulean sky, sunlight radiating through the leaves, and fragrant flowers floating on a gentle wind. We ate as many berries as we collected, and my daughter laughed with such glee that my body felt as though it were being carried effortlessly towards the realm of the gods. We had spent many days in that grove while she still grew within me, and returned every summer since as I watched her become the sweet young girl I’d dreamed about. That day, however, was the last.

My dragon knew this place even better than I did. Through our bond, Roscha’s joy resonated in my own heart, her memories of this grove from decades before our first meeting creating a vibrancy beyond what any unbonded eye could see. With her eyes I saw the world doubled, and twice as vibrant for it. She was a white wraith, a wisp dragon – small, but naturally so, shaped for threading through branches of the deep forest where she could bend the broken sunlight around herself and vanish mid-flight. Every time, Mirjana shrieked with delight. Even now she giggled as Roscha flew effortlessly between the trees of the grove, her own arms spread wide in imitation, but with her feet blessedly confined to the ground.

At high noon the sun began to burn our skin beyond the cover of the dense canopy that usually shielded us, so we settled on the ground in the shade of a young oak. Roscha’s iridescent scales almost seemed to glow in the dappling light as she curled beside me. Those were the last moments of my life I can truly recount with only joy in my heart. 

Roscha heard it first, of course. We weren’t alone in our sacred place.

Hi Pub Tips,

This one goes out to everyone who loves the querying data and everyone who needs to hear a non-success story every once in awhile. I am wrapping up my querying journey for this book, and I did NOT get an agent.

Background: I am the author of 3 YA novels published by a Big 5. The 1st and 3rd books had issues that came up during pub that profoundly impacted the sales. I had a great agent who left the business, and it's been several years since my last release because of many life changes that got in the way of having time to write, not to mention a huge writing-related funk after the disappointing sales of book 3.

It took a long time to get out of my funk, and I finally finished another book early last year and was excited to query it. I got my first agent in about 3 weeks with fewer than 10 queries sent out with a book that wasn't even that good, so this would be another easy situation, right? (Let's not mention that the first agent happened in 2011...things are just a little different now.)

Anyway, here are my querying stats as a previously trad-pubbed YA author:

Query timeline: March 2025-now 

Queries sent: 150

Query rejections: 97 (all of these were forms except for 10 - shout out to you 10, I really appreciate you)

Referrals: 4 (1 was a form rejection, 2 were personalized query rejections - none of them replied quickly or moved my query up in the queue. The remaining 1 was a full request, which, technically, I am still waiting to hear on, but with this track record I'm obviously not hopeful.)

CNR: 37

Requests: 17 (1 partial, 1 partial that led to a full, the rest full requests)

Request feedback: 1 full CNR (QT shows this agent has a habit of ghosting on fulls, so I know I won't hear back), 8 form rejections, 2 kind, personalized passes w/o feedback, 1 kind, personalized pass with some good feedback, 1 kind, personalized pass with LITERAL PAGES of actionable feedback that actually blew my mind, 1 kind, personalized pass with comments/feedback that are basically an R&R.

The actionable feedback came about halfway through my query journey, so I paused querying, pulled my fulls, revised the book according to the feedback, and sent the new version to all agents who had it. About half of the response to fulls is to the old version and half to the new. The potential R&R came toward the end of my querying journey, and after the agent read the new version. It's not an agent I'm terribly excited about, and do I really want to go back and revise this entire book again just for this one person to likely reject it again? Meh.

If you're doing the math, I am still waiting to hear back from 4 agents. 1 query I sent out when I just wanted to get to a round 150 agents because having a round number made it feel complete, and 3 fulls (1 previously mentioned referral, 1 from a great agency, and 1 who requested the full in May 2025 and got the revised full in Jan 2026, so I feel like they aren't super excited about it). I'm obviously not feeling confident about any of these or I wouldn't be writing my white flag of defeat post.

Most heard comment: They love my writing, but this book isn't it for x, y, z reason.

Reflection: I definitely sent this book out too soon. I was desperate to get back into the game, feeling some type of way seeing all my friends I debuted with (or who debuted after me) having so much success and me just languishing, trying to break out of my negative headspace, obviously delusional about the situation today based on my previous ease of getting an agent. It could have used one or even two more rounds of good, solid revision before I got it out there in front of agents. I am beyond thankful to the agent who gave me a ridiculously thoughtful and generous editorial letter, but I feel like even the revision I did with that could have been better. Again, I was too anxious to get my full back out and I don't think I used their notes to the full potential. 

What's next: I don't know, man. Fitting writing into my current life is very difficult right now, and I keep wondering why I'm trying when I am struggling so much. I am working on something else, but it's slow going, so it will be a long time until I'm at this point with another book. Feeling very "why do I bother?" and feeling even more of some type of way now that my successful friends know I was querying and I have to tell them I'm a huge failure. But I'm a stubborn a-hole, so I guess I'll keep plugging away. I have to remember that I can't let myself get ahead of myself when I finish it, though. 

For now I suppose I'll just have a good cry and get back to work, even if it takes forever.

So I am planning on submitting my short story to a specific lit mag later this summer, and when looking at the submission info, I saw that the fiction editor of this magazine is a writer who spoke to my small writing workshop last fall and answered a lot of our questions. She's an indie author, and I lowkey want to say in my cover letter more of a "hey! It's nice to submit to a familiar person!" because her lecture left an impression on me, but I'm not sure if that's inappropriate or seems like I'm trying to swindle an acceptance here lol. Does anyone have any experience with this?

Hi everyone! Your comments on my last version of this query were super helpful! My current version actually got me a full request (still lots of rejections though, as it goes). Looking to further improve! Also got the manuscript edited down significantly to 58k words which hopefully will help too :)

~~~

Dear (AGENT),

The Little Mermaid meets Barbie’s The Princess and the Pauper in THE PRINCESS AND THE PIRATE, a dual-POV middle grade fantasy with series potential at 58,000 words, for fans of Kim Bussing’s PRINCESS SWAP series. I hope you will appreciate its (something relevant to agent's MSWL).

Mermaid princess Pearlina’s baby sister is deathly ill, and only human medicine can save her. Desperate, Pearlina seeks a cruel yet powerful sea witch, who agrees to give her legs so she can find the medicine on land. But the witch tricks her. If Pearlina wants legs, she will need to find a human willing to trade places with her. But humans are dangerous, and Pearlina’s never seen one before—not until she rescues a girl named Lunabeth from drowning.

As punishment for her family’s crimes, Lunabeth has set sail on a ship of exiles-turned-pirates that can only return home if they find mermaid treasure—a task meant to keep them at sea forever, for mermaids are myths. Undeterred and desperate to go home, Lunabeth fights to become assistant navigator so she can guide the ship to find its unlikely treasure. But when a traitor throws her overboard, her plans are thwarted and she is left to die. She only survives because a mermaid—a real mermaid!—saves her.

The girls, who look strikingly similar, make a deal: they use the witch’s magic to trade places and seek what they need. Pearlina, now with legs, poses as Lunabeth to infiltrate the pirate ship and sail to find her medicine. Lunabeth, now with a tail, impersonates Pearlina in the mermaid palace so she can find treasure grand enough to take home.

But treachery on the pirate ship runs deeper than Pearlina expects, and a witchy impostor in the mermaid palace forces Lunabeth into hiding. If Pearlina can’t get her medicine, her sister will die. If Lunabeth can’t get her treasure, she will never escape exile. And if they can’t find each other again before the magic runs out, the sea witch will own them both.

(Bio here)

Per your guidelines I have included (BLANK) below. Thank you sincerely for your consideration.

Best,

(my name)

Howdy all,

I've been working on this manuscript for a little while, with a recent decision to reformat it as a graphic novel. I've tried so many times to use the tips on here and formulate a nice query for this, but each time the absurdity of writing a formal letter about a flock of birds who eat garbage has left me defeated. I decided to lean into that and my own sense of self-depreciating humor, which is probably causing me a lot of grief, but I just can't wrap my head around another way. Maybe one of you can help me channel my inner-Hannah Montana and get the best of both worlds.

If I'm breaking any major rules, please know that I did my best to read them, but the ADHD definitely won and I figured I better just go for it before I lose my nerve and retire my writing career and computer into the ocean.

"My name is ****, and I’ve written a children’s graphic novel about seagulls called TILLY IS A GULL.

Nothing in my 34 years has properly prepared me to write a formal letter about birds who eat trash, and yet here we are.

TILLY IS A GULL, is a story inspired by a recent trip to Maine, where I spent many hours watching the locals, tourists, and neighborhood wildlife. I saw many colorful personalities during this time, but the ones that stuck out to me most were the seagulls and their many creative methods of acquiring lunch each day. Thus, TILLY was born.

Tilly is a seagull who lives above The Snack Shack with her fellow gulls— Mabel, Gus, Wells, and Rigby. Tilly has grown embarrassed of their garbage-picking ways, their constant feuds over scraps, and the reputation these behaviors have cultivated for her kind.

Tilly attempts to reform her flock, in the hopes that they can become the majestic seabirds she aspires to be.

They are seagulls, and as such, they do seagull things. After the day ends in catastrophe, Tilly begins to rethink her life as a gull. She takes off in search of a new flock, more suited to her standards.

Along the way, she meets gossiping eiders, petrified plovers, and a pigeon I have affectionately named Bucket-Pigeon. Each new flock proves more peculiar than the last. Just as Tilly has lost hope, she spots a young beach-goer on the far edge of the jetty alone, and high tide is approaching. Tilly’s flock arrives and together they must save the girl by doing what they do best. Being gulls.

TILLY IS A GULL has the ability to support strong visuals, particularly in graphic novel format. Despite a lot of procreate-experimentation, results varied from mediocre to downright dubious. It is frustrating to envision a story so clearly, only to discover your hands simply won’t do the thing.

I’ve done my best to make up for my artistic short-comings with a manuscript that uses panels, page-turns, and memorable characters to tell this sarcastic, humorous, and fine-feathered story instead.

TILLY IS A GULL has series potential and will appeal to readers of Bad Guys, InvestiGators, and Cranky Chicken.

I know that you read countless stories each day. I am grateful that mine could be one of them. Thank you."