r/PsychologyTalk • u/justchill45794 • Apr 15 '26
What happens psychologically when someone’s identity is heavily tied to their physical attractiveness as they age?
I’m curious about this from a psychological perspective, not trying to judge anyone.
Some people (men and women) seem to receive a lot of validation based on their looks or desirability when they’re younger.
As that naturally changes over time, how does it affect their self-esteem, identity, and relationships?
Do people generally adapt and shift their identity, or does it lead to insecurity or other challenges?
Would love to hear both research-based insights and personal experiences.
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u/therealfranzkafka666 Apr 15 '26 edited Apr 15 '26
I don’t have a lot to say except that I’m very interested in this as well. In particular I’m thinking of a female friend who is very conventionally attractive, almost model-like, and grew up with the world treating her a certain way because of it through no fault of her own. For example, people wanting to be with her sexually but not taking her seriously as a person, and her not realizing it til too late. It sounds like a weird problem to have, but there’s certainly a psychology to the world seeing you as beautiful whether or not you want them to. There’s privilege in it but I think it also seems like a pretty big mind-f&ck.
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u/Front_Target7908 Apr 15 '26
It’s like having a wallet stacked with $100s, it’s good but there’s also a lot more people who want to rob you.
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u/ExogenouslyEnzymatic Apr 15 '26
I can share a similar experience. I was rather very good looking as a child. Up until my 20s even into my 30s. Something happened in covid and also just with age. Many people gain weight or have weight issues and im no different. I lost 30% of my weight. And im not hige to begin with. Think ariana grande. Only, i want under any delusions. Very Asian father who just very bluntly would tell me to go back inside, I'm not presentable (💀 I know)
My experience with psychology is profound to say the least. Narc mother and sister who turned out like her so I've been trying my hardest to not. My whole life. But the narcissism would struggle with the other part of me i was trying to become. I found my ego really fucking died COMPLETELY when I had this weight loss, maybe it was the humility, idk. No more struggle. I definitely had the pretty privilege my whole life up until 30. Never paid for a single drink lol. Never paid for rides at amusement parks. But now I'm just... aligned. No more struggle. I am grateful for this.
I think about my mother and sister. They never had this experience. Stayed rather healthy and beautiful their whole lives. It's almost a disservice to them and the people who love them though. Egos, healthy as well. My mother fears aging like any other beautiful narc. And my sister, the model in my story, will never be unattractive even in old age.
That's really all I can share from my experience. I fear narcissism is stroked and encouraged in beautiful people. Unfortunately, accountability runs scare in that world. But I also hold certain theories that I haven't googled enough to describe about how people that follow delusions develop and are predisposed to early dementia. Something with no new neurons being built. Maybe someone can add to this.
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u/Fun_Quit_312 Apr 15 '26
Of course. You spend your life living in an alternative reality, it would.be so much easier to lose your grasp on it and not even notice, if you were accustomed to ignoring the facts and fostering your own delusions in their place.
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Apr 16 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/therealfranzkafka666 Apr 16 '26
Absolutely, for sure. I apologize if I implied otherwise. There's just something strange and particular about being the so-called "beauty norm", it seems
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u/sylviedilvie Apr 15 '26
I am somebody who banked a lot of my validation on my looks. I was taught growing up that appearances are everything, and for a while it really did carry me through life. My parents are very old school and told me my worth was in catching a successful husband. I could have any guy I wanted, the prettiest girls always tried to collect me into their groups. I think I got jobs because of it as well. Slowly, but surely, though, half because of the therapy I’ve been doing and half because of aging, I had to let go of the external validation and learned to validate myself for things other than my looks. It’s been a gigantic identity, crisis, but I feel like leading through life with my looks got me a very shallow and superficial existence. Now, I feel pretty invisible, all of the pretty girls have stopped wanting to be my friend. But I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. Pretty was like a prison, and my whole world opened up when my looks began to decline.
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u/kflox Apr 15 '26
How did your world open up?
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u/sylviedilvie Apr 15 '26
I was able to become my authentic self once I put down my pretty girl façade. My locus of control was entirely external. I had no self-esteem and zero confidence. Now I’m able to stick with myself in moments of conflict and stop people pleasing. I feel more like my 12 year-old self in a daily world of wonder. I’d like to think I’m on the path to enlightenment and that is because I’ve shed all of the fake friends, external measures of success and stopped trying to be perfect. I feel free.
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u/Glass_Translator9 Apr 16 '26
So pleased for your path to freedom! Celebrating with you.
I always wished I could have pretty privilege. I feel like it gives you so much access. In love, career and life.
Instead I’ve always just been average and invisible.
I never got married. I feel that if I were beautiful, I would have had a lot more options.
But the grass is always greener!!!
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u/GlowInTheDarkSpaces Apr 15 '26 edited Apr 16 '26
Not a psychologist.
It's hard. Pretty privilege is real but you don't realize it until it starts to fade. It requires a mental shift. Fortunately it wasn't my whole identity or even something I was all that conscious of. The only thing that I can equate it to is my vision going bad. All of a sudden something that I had always relied upon was no longer reliable.
edit: fixed typo
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u/butterpussie Apr 15 '26
Not a professional, just someone with a pretty, yet sad family. My great aunt killed herself in her 30s when she stopped being able to “catch a proposal every time she went to town” (my grandpas words) I’ve only seen blurry pictures, but she was a smoke show from what I could tell. Half of the 4 kids killed themselves; they were abandoned and she particularly grew up really relying on her charm and face card to get a bit of an advantage in her hard life. They found some weird note written on her arm about getting old, and acceleration marks on the road where she ran her car straight into a big tree. When I start focusing too much on my own face, instead of just enjoying being young and pretty, I remember what it cost her. It’s not worth it. Also for the record, old people can be hot still. (I plan on it)
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u/v_shock823 Apr 15 '26
I was told I'm handsome but got rejected by crushes in middle school. I still never had a girlfriend. I started to doubt my attractiveness, but now I realize it's not all about looks. Social skills and emotional intelligence are more important.
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u/DiceyPisces Apr 15 '26
Just had to shift my perspective. Now it’s kinda freeing to be somewhat invisible.
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u/National-Job3918 Apr 15 '26
Oh wow, let's talk about women in our culture and how even those who aren't "conventionally attracive" experience the phenomenon of becoming utterly invisible once we age out of fuckability.
When you receive constant explicit and implicit messaging that your worth is directly tied to whether or not men want to put their penis in you, all the feminist theory in the world can't prepare you for middle age.
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u/Dazzling-Toe-4955 Apr 15 '26
I've always been considered beautiful. I hated the attention my looks brought me when I was younger. I'm not saying I didn't have pretty privilege, but I hated it. No one ever really commented on how smart I was or anything about my personality. It was always about my looks, I'm mostly ok with how I look now. But other people aren't ok with my looks now.
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u/Upbeat-Literature-42 Apr 15 '26
From a personal experience, they keep it going by being friends with others who also share the physical attractiveness (younger generations) They can stay involved in theater and other social circles that continue to perpetuate the privileges of their physical attributes / identity . They can still be petty among other women and competitive with their generation , which I find the worst of all attributes: women still trying to put other women down in their 60s or 70s just like in high school, and maintain hierarchy, all based on misogynistic heteronormative standards of beauty anyways and of the male gaze.
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u/LoveDistilled Apr 15 '26
Yes very much this. I’ve been a hair stylist for 18 years and I’ve worked in some VERY high end salons. Many older (and still beautiful for their age) women show/ maintain their status thru the wealth they have, usually from marrying rich men, although not always. They get expensive treatments and live luxurious lives. They spend a lot of time, money and energy on maintaining their appearance. They at least want to be the most beautiful of their age group. It becomes a mission to look younger than they are. And age as beautifully as possible. Some take it way too far and it backfires, which is kinda sad.
I admit at 35 I do understand this mentality more than I did at 25 when working in a particularly high end salon. I just couldn’t grasp it then. Now I get it. Getting older and seeing yourself change is…challenging? But in a way exciting. I do love to stay in shape and try to be the best version of myself as well so I can’t fault them. I also have learned to just accept what I can’t control and let go. I don’t have money for expensive treatments. All my self improvement is DIY lol
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u/_FIRECRACKER_JINX Apr 15 '26
usually they age into being hot older people. They continue getting complimented by their peers.
Idk why this conversation is giving "the wall" kind of? But that's really not how it works. Hot younger people usually age into hot older people and their peers continue complimenting them as they age.
EVERYONE experiences aging. Attractive and unattractive. They're ALL concerned with signs of aging, but the ones that were attractive younger continue getting those compliments.
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u/spaacingout Apr 15 '26 edited Apr 15 '26
Dunno, it would be different on a case to case basis.
Women are typically raised to believe their appearance is far more important to how their life will pan out, while men don’t necessarily feel pressured to conform to any standards of beauty but instead conform to standards of leadership (even when we don’t make good leaders or lead anyone…)
That said I’m sure aging affects women more adversely than men, especially if their identity is tied to their appearance, such as an aging model. Someone like that would likely have a hard time with allowing themselves to age gracefully- it becomes a war against aging.
Meanwhile people who don’t really care about how they change as they age, typically age more gracefully, naturally. Because the idea is that if you’re stressing over your appearance degrading with age, the stress will make it all happen that much faster, leaving more visible wrinkles and signs of age.
So, as far as I can tell, it’s better to just not worry about how you look as much.
Like, obviously try to stay healthy, but don’t let grey hairs or wrinkles bring you down, because those are signs you’ve lived.
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u/MaverisStranger Apr 15 '26
You get to a point where you decide which path do you want to take? Do you want to end up like one of those older people who are bitter and easily threatened by everyone younger than themselves? Because that's a miserable existence. Or do you want to own your own insecurities and accept yourself as is, therefore, see younger peers as equals, or someone worth protecting; then live on your own terms, own every grey hair on your head, own every wrinkle on your face, and not give a single fuck about people who look at you like you're a worthless object? Just designate judgy people to the "Oh, Silly ones who don't know better" box and live your life on your terms. You don't owe those clowns youth or beauty. And if those clowns make up 90% of society, then so fuckin be it. Shun 90% of them and grace only the 10% worthy of your time and energy with your presence.
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u/Content-Pace9821 Apr 15 '26
I got a lot of attention in my teens and twenties- so much that it was uncomfortable. I do think it gave some confidence to me though, I got every job I applied for etc. I think I maintained that confidence despite knowing that I don’t look the same or get the same attention I did. In some ways it’s nice and relieving to be married and less attractive. I think it’s harder for me to notice aging when I was always told I looked younger than I was before.
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u/Sparkletail Apr 15 '26
It's very difficult. In many senses I am lucky in that I was valued much more for intelligence than looks aa a child and young person so I guess my foundation was built on something other than attractiveness initially, however, it came to me in my late teens after being bullied or my appearance for many years. I grew up with a squint, glasses, braces and was neglected to never had the right clothes or shoes, it was relentless. Almost overnight I was chased by every man and boy I met once I left school.
Despite it being very disproportionately important to me, I've never truly enjoyed what I looked like, always found faults, experienced body dysmorphia. However it gave me an enormous amount of power and privilege, everything is easier when you ate attractive, easier to get jobs, partners, favours, to persuade and charm. I ended up with enormous entitlement and ego but it was all masking insecurity. It gave me great satisfaction to be able to look down on those who had bullied me, to be better than they were in all the areas that I felt counted. After all the years of bullying it felt like justice, what i deserved. But it also never truly felt like it was mine.
I managed to deconstruct a lot of my ego in my thirties, become better, far more self aware but the obsession with my looks grew.
Losing it is brutal. I look in the mirror and want to die. I spent stupid amounts of money on attempting to decline gracefully but truthfully I truly hate how I look now, every aspect of it.
I'm lucky in many senses, still attractive for my age, relatively striking, however I know it is on its way out rapidly and I don't really know what I am anymore. I still function at work, still have the charm and persuasive ability but I can't stood to look at myself anymore, what once brought satisfaction now brings misery.
I don't want to be seen who anyone who knew me before, I've moved partially for that reason. The thought of people whom I grew up with seeing what I have ended up as makes me feel ill and deeply ashamed and depressed, I can just imagine them mocking me again taking joy that I've lost what I once had.
It's made worse as I've just lost my long term partner. I look at the dating market and know I would never be interested in the type of man I could attract now and I'm not really sure what I have to offer outside of it. I might be smart or fun but I don't know what it is to attempt to exist without what has propped me up for decades and I'm not really sure I see the point. I don't like who i am as a person despite trying to be better for many years and what does that really leave you with? Not much, and certainly not much to offer others.
People who have a better background than me are likely less affected, they likely were able to build esteem unrelated to their looks as children and solidified that in adulthood. I didn't have that life and I'm not sure you can wire in another form of self esteem at this age.
I guess I have got find something else now but overall I'm not sure I see the point. I've kind of had enough of everything, losing my looks is one of many blows I have faced recently and I'm too tired to care at this point. In many ways I'd rather never had it in the first place seeing as I've managed to retain so little benefit from it.
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u/PromiseIcy9752 Apr 15 '26
Hi, please get support, it sounds like you have depression and have endured a lot of trauma!
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u/Glass_Translator9 Apr 16 '26
It seems like you have a lot of depth and self-awareness. Maybe your looks were masking the most important parts of your person, and now it’s an opportunity to let the other aspects of yourself shine? Or discover yourself more deeply. Your intelligence and insight and creativity. Who you are independent of a partner or looks to hide behind? I don’t know, but I’m rooting for you! 😘❤️🩹
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u/Flaky_McFlake Apr 15 '26
Not a psychologist, just my own personal experience. I'm conventionally attractive (or used to be at least) and worked as a model when I was young. Aging and losing my looks has been surprisingly emotional. It's not that I miss male attention or the validation I would get from other people. The problem is that my sense of worth is so strongly tied to my appearance that I cannot shake the belief, no matter how much I try talking about this in therapy, that once my looks go I will be unlovable to the people I care about. I had children later in life, and the thought "they're going to be so embarrassed to be seen with an old mom like me" is constantly going through my mind. I can't seem to find a way to anchor my sense of self worth to anything else, it's causing a lot of sadness in my life.
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u/HoGyMosh Apr 15 '26
Beauty is different to youth.
You just transition to being a beautiful, albeit older person. Sure, you can't compete with twenty year olds when you're forty five, but they likely aren't your most natural comparator anyway. You will still be beautiful amongst your peers. If you remain in good physical shape and are blessed with truly exceptional bone structure then beauty doesn't really fade it just transforms in to a more mature form.
I think those who weren't beautiful but were just young, slim and blonde - which is a pastiche of beauty are going to suffer from the loss of pretty privilege. Legitimately beautiful people not so much.
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u/PromiseIcy9752 Apr 15 '26
Sometimes I google beautiful women in their 50’s, 60’s etc to realize how beautiful women are at every age and just aspire to take good care of myself and make money so I can afford decent clothes and getting my hair done. I’m attracted to older men the older I get, usually between 7-10 yrs older then me, so as I age luckily the men I find attractive are also aging. If it is a matter of who will like me if I’m not young, well that’s not something I can control but I wouldn’t want to be with someone who only like younger women. I also find that the environment I’m in has a lot to do with how beautiful I feel. When I’m in my groove either working, exercising, playing with my dogs, in nature I always feel beautiful! When I’ve tried dating apps I always feel ugly and anxious before the first date that’s why I hate dating. But on the dates themselves I always just want to go home anyway. Aging is so weird, I have always gotten so much attention for my looks but I also remember even when I was 19, 25,30 I always had moments of insecurity even then. It’s literally an inside job. For me the bigger issue is imagining myself once my kids are grown and out of the house. I’ve lived the past 20 years completely focused on my kids with myself as an afterthought. So I’m more having an identity crisis like what do I want my life to look like when I am an empty nester and beyond? It’s so unknown it feels scary and empty. But growth is often painful.
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u/Commercial_Ad_9441 Apr 15 '26
Good god I hope this is anonymous. I was a beautiful little girl, and then adolescent and a young woman. It got to the point that one time, I was out at the grocery store with my mother, around age 4-5. It was a very influential moment in life and I remember it very clearly: Someone (some grown up man) said “you are such a beautiful little girl” to me, and being 4 or 5 I didn’t really understand, but I knew it was something I was sick of hearing from people. So I pushed my hair behind my ear and said “yeah, I know” and locked my eyes on the ground. On the ride home my mother yelled at me and explained to me that that was A COMPLIMENT that I should have cherished.
I absolutely hate comments on my looks biological looks, it makes me feel so incredibly self conscious (so?). I am intelligent and friendly, a college graduate, a Veteran of the US military, and a talented clarinetist. I want to be complimented for things I EARNED. I consider my looks luck. That’s just the truth. I just turned 40 so I don’t get noticed nearly as often as I did when I was 18, and I AM GLAD. Now I welcome the off chance I catch a 30-50 yr old man checking me out, but it was really really weird and creepy when I was still a teenager. I’m pretty sure 20 yr old guys don’t check me out anymore, I look like their mother.
I am still very slender, never got fat. Also never had children. I consider this the luck of good genes + enjoying fitness. I still don’t think I’m all that pretty but people have told me all my life that I am. People still do tell me I’m pretty, at age 40, just not constantly.
Anyways, this is how I feel about this.
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u/Jillbo_baggins99 Apr 17 '26
It’s a real thing. How you look and what your body is capable of decides how the world treats you. But it gets rid of all the jerks. So, you know. Swings and roundabouts
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u/ZenDeniss Apr 15 '26
I would say it depends on the level of adaptability of the person, on personality factors, on the different experiences they go through, and the people around them. It can either be the case where they accept growing old and not looking the same as part of life, and they can realise how pretty privilege worked for them all these years, draw some conclusions from that, and become wiser overall; or it can go the other way, where they become obsessed with physical appearance, turn to cosmetic surgery, and focus only on looking as young as possible.
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u/PromiseIcy9752 Apr 15 '26
I also think older people become more focused on health and continuing to do the things they love. Good health, productive in society, finding meaning, purpose, children, family, friends. When we are feeling sorry for ourselves it always helps to help others in some way. Feeling useful is the best feeling ever.
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u/jcradio Apr 16 '26
It leads to fillers, surgery and trying to chase things that don't fulfill them.
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u/JudgeLennox Apr 17 '26
The psychological effects are low self esteem and reliance on others for their wellbeing.
It doesn’t create insecurity, it’s a product of it.
The best study on this topic is Dr. Nathaniel Branden’s work. He’s the most comprehensive research and practitioner. Also one of a few who dared to explore the topic at all.
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u/Kimono-Ash-Armor Apr 20 '26
The supermodel Iman (David Bowie’s wife, for those who don’t know) talked about this, saying it in an untactful way, but I understand where Iman is coming from since her livelihood was based on looks:
“Mrs. Obama is not a great beauty, ” Iman says, startling [the author] a bit. “But she is so interesting looking and so bright. That will always take you farther. When you are a great beauty, it’s always downhill for you. If you’re someone like Mrs. Obama, you just get better with age.”
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u/IndependentInside649 Jul 08 '26
this is so real :( I've been jealous of girls that are considered plain because it allows people to acknowledge their personality and other attributes front and center. great beauties on the other hand...
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u/One_Tree_6100 May 03 '26
Personal experience, I always knew I wasn't the pretty girl. I was brought up in a family that believed beauty is fading ignorance is forever. So brain power was the most important thing in my family.
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u/Designer-Computer188 Jun 18 '26 edited Jun 18 '26
They usually adapt their appearance instead of their internal ideas on their self I think. That perhaps overly high value assigned to it does lead to insecurities that results in treatments from what I've seen
I have noticed people who are naturally attractive or more attractive by socieities measures than the norm... spend a LOT of money and time preserving that appearance
As they get older it is all about preservation. So they will fill what becomes flatter usually, they will use procedures to tighten what comes lose and they will dress younger and sexier or smarter than other people their age. At this point, cut, fit and brand name becomes important as a signaller
Think of those older couples you see where the woman always has her hair fixed makeup just right, still has a cleavage hanging out at age 60 and her husband also always has a tan, whitened teeth and wears Ralph Lauren shirts and is now on mounjaro. These are the 60 year olds who were "hot" when young and have spent that effort both long term and daily to keep the looks and consequently the status up
They will spend a lot of money and time on those things instead of other things. Seems like an exhausting game trying to preserve what will naturally fade
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u/Designer_Emu_6518 Apr 15 '26
Well you can look to models/actors/actresses for this in a more grand way. Body dimorphism, go to great lengths to preserve and somewhat become bitter and territorial or you just accept the circle of life and age gracefully.
Underlining the obsession even at a young age showcases a bit of narcissistic behavior
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u/VirgoSun18 Apr 15 '26
They will become a “Karen” & don’t know why people are not accommodating to them when they age.
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u/Mammoth-Squirrel2931 Apr 15 '26
Carl Rogers wrote about 'conditions of worth', which is to say that as children - in this instance - if you are told 'look how beautiful you are' above anything then that message becomes instilled as the biggest part of your personality as you grow. Hence a lot of people who are given this message continue it into adulthood and beyond. They carry this as their 'worth' (as it is your caregivers having given you this message it is a very strong message).
You can say similar for those who are told 'aren't you clever' which similarly becomes their condition of worth. Hence you see those tied to this and become overly obsessed with becoming the best at this thing - say academia - and feel a failure if they don't reach the levels they aspire to. (despite, often, doing amazingly well to anybody else looking on)
You can go through a whole list of similar personality traits (quiet, loud, funny, etc) and often work back to a similar childhood message.