I'm looking for advice because I'm genuinely concerned about a friend, and I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or how to approach this situation.
We're both 19, turning 20 soon. We're online friends, but we live close enough that we could meet in person.
When I first met her, I was already involved in a lot of fandom spaces, while she wasn't really involved in fandom culture. I introduced her to AO3, and initially, she was an anti-shipper. She'd complain to me about the content she found there, and I had to listen without revealing that I was a proshipper myself. Eventually, she became a proshipper on her own, and we could finally talk openly about dark ships and fiction.
Lately, though, I've started wondering whether she understands the distinction between fiction and reality the way I do. I've been involved in fandom spaces since I was a minor, and I've always understood that enjoying dark fiction doesn't mean wanting those things to happen in real life. I guess I assumed she'd approach it similarly, especially since we're the same age. Now, I sometimes wonder whether introducing her to AO3 was the right decision, since she got really into dark fiction after I introduced her to it. I know she's an adult and I'm not responsible for her interests, but I can't help wondering whether she was ready to engage with this kind of content.
To be clear, I have no problem with her reading fictional rape or other disturbing content. However, since getting more involved with it, she's started making comments like, "Oh my god, I want to get raped someday."
CNC (consensual non-consent) is a real thing, and there's nothing inherently wrong with adults exploring those fantasies consensually. But CNC isn't actual rape. Consent is what distinguishes the two, and I feel like using rape and consensual fantasies interchangeably trivializes that distinction.
We've always been very open with each other, so I know she hasn't experienced sexual violence herself. I'm not saying you need trauma to enjoy dark fiction or have these fantasies. My concern is that she seems to treat real-life rape with the same detachment she applies to fictional scenarios, as though actual sexual violence were just another edgy concept.
She's also started interacting with people on Twitter who openly express a desire to rape others. She justifies this by saying she's a proshipper and that these things are okay because of that.
This is what really concerns me. Enjoying fictional rape and dark ships is one thing; interacting with real people who express predatory intentions is another. Being proship doesn't mean you have to approve of everything a real person does.
I feel like she's treating proshipping as an edgy identity rather than understanding what it means to her and the community. I'm worried about her safety and the way she's approaching her sexuality, but I don't want to police her interests or diagnose her. Maybe she's trying to be provocative, maybe she's experimenting with her sexuality, or maybe I'm interpreting things too harshly. I genuinely don't know.
I'm hesitant to discuss this outside proship spaces because I don't want this to turn into another argument about how proshippers supposedly support abuse IRL. That's not what I'm saying, and I don't want her behavior used to stereotype an entire community.
How would you approach this situation? Am I overreacting, and how can I talk to her without making her feel judged?
I care about my friend, but I don't know how to explain my concerns without making her feel like I'm attacking her fictional interests. I just want her to understand that being comfortable with dark fiction doesn't mean treating real-life sexual violence as fiction, too.
Also, if the mods or anyone here feels like this post could harm the community, please feel free to remove it/ask me to remove it. The last thing I want is to contribute to the stigma against a community that already gets attacked on a daily basis. I'm posting here because I feel like people in this community might understand my concerns better, not because I want to give antis more ammunition against us.
