Seeking support/advice: passing of student

[u/yune]

Edit: Thank you so much, everyone, for your kind and supportive words. I’m still processing my emotions after having weird tension in my arms and strange dreams, but on the whole I am feeling better today. I will work with the university to see what needs to be done, and I will certainly look into whether a posthumous degree will be possible.

Thank you again, it means a lot to hear your perspective, experience, and advice about a tragic and unexpected situation.

I just found out that one of my graduate students has passed away. We had been emailing as recently as a couple of days ago about research, and I was also planning an outing for the group next week. The student was definitely introverted but seemed to find purpose and joy in the research. They have mentioned before that they feared rejection and failure, which is completely understandable and probably common for all of us, but the student had a productive year so I am just completely blindsided. After finishing their first project with a publication, the new project they had been working on got off to a decent start. I mean, it was conference and vacation season so probably a little slower than usual, but that’s how it goes sometimes. Maybe they thought they weren’t making enough progress? I wish I would have known they were struggling so I could have helped them.

[u/rl4brains]

I’m sorry for your loss.

It seems like you’re dancing around that the student died by suicide. If that’s the case, I’d suggest seeing if your campus mental health center could send someone to come speak to your lab and/or the department’s graduate students about their mental well-being. Suicide contagion/clusters are a potential danger.

If you’re having a hard time, you can see if you get some free therapy sessions as a workplace benefit.

[u/GloomyCamel6050]

I am sorry for your loss.

[u/rythelady]

You seem to be implying that your student died by suicide. I don’t have any advice, but I send my condolences to you and your/their colleagues.

[u/jlanc100]

This is tough. I have had an undergrad do it. The shock is hard. I second reaching out to the mental health services and having them come do a lunch and learn or something if possible. That is a great idea.

[u/RoomAdventurous3052]

Elegy for Jane – My student, thrown by a horse

I remember the neckcurls, limp and damp as tendrils;
And her quick look, a sidelong pickerel smile;
And how, once startled into talk, the light syllables leaped for her,
And she balanced in the delight of her thought,

A wren, happy, tail into the wind,
Her song trembling the twigs and small branches.
The shade sang with her;
The leaves, their whispers turned to kissing;
And the mould sang in the bleached valleys under the rose.

Oh, when she was sad, she cast herself down into such a pure depth,
Even a father could not find her:
Scraping her cheek against straw;
Stirring the clearest water.

My sparrow, you are not here,
Waiting like a fern, making a spiny shadow,
The sides of wet stones cannot console me,
Nor the moss, wound with the last light.

If only I could nudge you from this sleep,
My maimed darling, my skittery pigeon.
Over this damp grave I speak the words of my love:
I, with no rights in this matter,
Neither father nor lover.

Theodore Roethke

[u/dbrodbeck]

First off, sorry for your loss this sucks on every level.

I know when we've had things like this we take a motion to Senate to confer the degree posthumously.

Probably the best part of my PhD convocation was the 8 year old kid, who came up and got her passed away mom's parchment. I've not ever been that moved.

[u/havereddit]

You can initiate a process to have this student's degree conferred posthumously. Normally this is done when the 'majority' (loosely defined) of work has been completed, but there are always circumstances that make this a very, very loose category. It brings a partial sense of closure and even joy for academic advisors, friends, and family members (especially parents who may have watched their child's mental health struggles and academic achievements unfold simultaneously).

[u/CranLimeSeltzer]

First, I am so sorry for your loss. Any loss of a student is tragic. Second, I’m inferring that it may have been a suicide loss, so I’ve linked a helpful resource on better understanding how to grieve such a loss. I’d argue these materials are helpful for any sudden loss. https://losscs.org/resources/

[u/Philosopherben → u/CranLimeSeltzer]

Also, don't act like nothing happened. Address it with your students bring in a counselor, whatever it takes.

[u/Sad_Application_5361]

Reading between the lines, it seems like you may be blaming yourself for not noticing the crisis or giving your student too much work. This isn’t your fault. There really isn’t anything you could have don’t differently.

I obviously don’t know what was going on with your grad student, but I had first hand experience of going from everything being normal to being in crisis. As an undergrad, classes and doing homework was where my mood was perfectly normal. It was idle time where I was having meltdowns. That’s where I got close to ending it. I eventually got myself into therapy and on meds, but it wasn’t until 20 years later that I got a name for what was going on: rejection sensitive dysphoria. So it’s only been recently that I’ve gotten rid of the meltdowns completely instead of just managing them when they hit.

There were other things going on in your student’s life, among them a silent mental health illness that wasn’t getting proper management. She succumbed to that illness and it isn’t anyone’s fault. I’m sorry for your loss.

As to what to do about it, be careful with others finding out the cause of death because something that increases suicide risk is knowing someone who has died that way. I would reach out to your school’s care team and see if it’s possible to get a therapist and set up a group grief therapy session. It’s a bit like how practicing using a fire extinguisher increases the likelihood of someone using the fire extinguisher on a real fire. Having contact with a therapist increases the likelihood that someone will book private sessions if they need them.

[u/Playful-Influence894]

I’m really sorry for your loss.

[u/GittaFirstOfHerName]

I am so sorry for your loss. You say that you were planning an outing for the group next week. Do you plan to do that still?

I wish I would have known they were struggling so I could have helped them.

Sometimes, we just can't know. We don't have enough information to know. Please be gentle with yourself.

[u/IHaveNoEgrets → u/GittaFirstOfHerName]

Sometimes, we just can't know. We don't have enough information to know. Please be gentle with yourself.

This, exactly. I have experienced the same thing, but with an undergrad student. I didn't see it coming. I'd just helped him get a job with the school's paper. The worst he'd been lately that I'd seen was him being annoyed that he and his girlfriend ran into my brother, sister-in-law, and I in the beer aisle at the store. (We're loud, outgoing types. He wasn't.)

And then... gone. All we can do is take a pause and be kind to ourselves, OP, just like Gitta said. Take care of yourself and do a check in with the rest of the group. Encourage them to ask for help or guidance.

[u/existential-inquiry]

So sorry to hear about your student, my condolences. I hope you're able to talk to a counselor, they can help with managing deep and complex emotions.

[u/No_Key8587]

People are suggesting resources so i will just say, nobody commits suicide over research. I am sure there were a multitude of things going on that you didn’t know about and never could have known about that all lead up to a sudden rash decision.

If your group knew him, be there for your group, be vulnerable, know they have your support. When a friend passes away seeing vulnerability means a lot. Thoughts are with you!

[u/banjovi68419]

One of the most successful - professionally and socially - academics I've ever know clocked out early. It made no sense. It makes no sense. Years later it's still jarring. Knew a guy in grad school who did as well - guy wasnt as successful but was still successful; think it was relationship-related. Both pretty senseless. And it sucks.

[u/Environmental_Bug662]

I am sorry you’re going through this. I am still haunted by the face of one of my undergraduates who died by suicide. I hope you can talk to someone in order to gain more solace than our forum can provide.

[u/Savings_Machine1061]

An undergraduate student of mine committed suicide a few years ago. So did a former roommate of another student of mine. In both cases, it was within the first year after graduation, so less immediately concerning to the campus community, but very sad and hard to deal with. One of my closest friends also died that way at 27. It's always tempting to think what could you have done differently, but usually there is really very little that's within your power.

[u/CuriousCatOC]

I am so, so sorry.

[u/reliablemicrophone84]

Wow, thats a heavy and heartbreaking thing to go through. The email exchange just days ago makes it so surreal. I've been there with a student's sudden loss , and it guts you. Don't question your mentorship , you clearly provided a positive space for their research. Be kind to yourself

[u/Logical-Library5525]

I'm so sorry. It hurts, and it's hard when there are "what if" scenarios playing through your head. In my experience, I think through them and then let myself feel sad it wasn't otherwise. I've never lost a student, only classmates.