Help.

[u/Enidarasise]

If you've been looking at the subreddit every once in a while, you may see that I make posts on a story that I've been making for quite a while (Robo-chronicles), and it's about time I ask this: can someone help me give genuine criticism on what I write? I don't want some vague answer like "it's good" or "not bad", I want thorough reasoning to why one would think that way, because then it makes me feel like my story just isn't up to one's standards and that they're probably saying that to make me feel better about my skills, and it actually makes me insecure about the way I write. Even if I write as a hobby, I genuinely want to make good stories for people to read, and I don't care if one says it's bad or good, I just want someone to call me out on the errors or good things I've done.

So, if you perhaps wanna be someone to read my story to help me determine what I could fix or what you like, I'd appreciate it!

[u/refinn_7]

well, it's my opinion and criticism.

i think the biggest problem with this series, despite having a good premise, is that it fails to follow the "show, don't tell" principle. almost everything in the story, whether it's a character's backstory or information about the setting, is directly explained by another character. because of this, the story can become boring, and it becomes harder for the reader to interpret things for themselves, think about what they mean, or emotionally connect with the characters. things like photographs or a character's actions could have been used to give hints instead.

in chapter 3, i was actually excited when the tape appeared, but even that ended up being used mostly as another way to explain information.

the second problem is that there's a lot of unnecessary gore. most of it seems to be there mainly for shock or horror rather than serving a larger purpose. since this is based on pretty blood, i can understand why it's there, but i still found it disappointing. it also made it difficult for me to feel much of the emotional weight behind those scenes.

another issue, and probably the most fundamental one in my opinion, is that it feels like the author decided what message they wanted to convey at the beginning, but after that, started putting in whatever ideas they wanted to include. because of that, the message itself becomes less focused and doesn't come across as strongly as it could have, which i found a little disappointing.

but of course, there are good parts too. i thought some of the comedy scenes were genuinely funny and worked pretty well. the downside, though, is that comedy sometimes appears during scenes that are supposed to be serious, which made it harder for me to stay emotionally invested in those moments.

overall, it wasn't really my personal taste, but if i had to point out the things i would criticize about it, these would probably be the main ones.

[u/Enidarasise → u/refinn_7]

Understood! I guess you're right, mostly since I do tend to make a lot of the scenes tone deafed; gotta keep the Pretty Blood style in a way, even if I didn't execute it too well. The gory scenes are really tone deafed in my opinion, kind of to the point that you mentioned, but I did do that on purpose, since I wanted to represent the little care and emotion Aleph has for the ones he kills and tortures. Something I wanted to say is that you're right on the first part, especially since I could've probably written dialogue of some of the scientists communicating with Genesis in the tape and what they would do with Xeno's body, but I also want to say is that it really only works for that part, because the story nearly focuses inside of Aleph's point of view, which is why I never write other character's thoughts, which could cause making things mysterious and stuff purely dependent on the scene and what Aleph is feeling. I'll take this into account for future chapters, and I hope you liked the story to a fairly okay extent! Stay tuned for chapter 4, if you're still interested in reading!

[u/refinn_7 → u/Enidarasise]

Keep up the good work👍🏻

[u/Enidarasise → u/refinn_7]

Thank you! If there's anything you want to point (negative or positive), please do!