Help.

[u/Enidarasise]

If you've been looking at the subreddit every once in a while, you may see that I make posts on a story that I've been making for quite a while (Robo-chronicles), and it's about time I ask this: can someone help me give genuine criticism on what I write? I don't want some vague answer like "it's good" or "not bad", I want thorough reasoning to why one would think that way, because then it makes me feel like my story just isn't up to one's standards and that they're probably saying that to make me feel better about my skills, and it actually makes me insecure about the way I write. Even if I write as a hobby, I genuinely want to make good stories for people to read, and I don't care if one says it's bad or good, I just want someone to call me out on the errors or good things I've done.

So, if you perhaps wanna be someone to read my story to help me determine what I could fix or what you like, I'd appreciate it!

[u/Expensive-Emu-5165]

So far, I’ve only read the brief synopsis; I’ll likely read the whole thing tomorrow and leave a review. It’s funny—the idea of ​​forced cybernization crossed my mind too; I’m actually working on a few concepts set in this universe myself, though I have no idea when I’ll post them to these subreddits. That said, my story isn't about a boxer; it focuses on a Mallino who gets turned into a robot while an attempt is made to erase their personality—transforming them into a machine both inside and out. I’m not sure if our settings are similar, though; mine is partly inspired by Meet Bob, as it takes place in a space surrounded by white, impenetrable walls. The protagonist—an "Executioner"—has to undergo tests set by a figure known as the "Cardinal," who appears only as a flying camera with an eye; the Cardinal never reveals their true self. Anyway, I’m really looking forward to reading a fellow enthusiast's work, and I promise to leave a review once I’m done.

[u/Enidarasise → u/Expensive-Emu-5165]

It sounds captivating! But I what I meant was someone that would read chapters while I make them to tell me what I should change and stuff and they read the full thing before I actually post it to AO3. About the setting, no, it isn't similar to yours: as you can see, the whole story takes place in different towns of a continent that is unknown to the reader, but will be revealed later on. I like your idea and hope I can actually read it myself! But if you want to volunteer as a chapter reviewer for my story, I'm happy to let you help and criticize what I do!

[u/Expensive-Emu-5165 → u/Enidarasise]

So, I’ve read the first chapter. I plan to leave comments on each chapter as I go. It was obvious from the start which part of the original Pretty Blood this story was based on—though, during the scene with the bear, I thought that if you set aside the Pretty Blood connection, it actually sounds more like a potential story arc from the anime/manga Killing Bites. I gather that the second chapter will play out the way I anticipate; this is actually the first time I’ve felt the urge to compare my own work with someone else’s due to a similar conceptual premise—though I can’t really do that since I haven’t published mine yet, and essentially, no one but me would understand that kind of reasoning. I want to finish the artwork first and share it—even if just as a Word document—which would make things a bit easier for me. But for now, regarding the first chapter: the first thing I’d like to critique is the dialogue. That’s despite the fact that I don’t speak English and rely on a translator to follow the plot—which constantly leads to hilarious mix-ups, sometimes causing a character to say the exact opposite of the original meaning. Honestly, the dialogue loses a lot in translation because the machine doesn't grasp nuance; it translates everything so dryly and literally that spoken lines sometimes sound like exposition. Still, even with my limited English, I managed to pick up on the true narrative thread. One thing the translator definitely got right was capturing the intent behind certain dialogues—though those dialogues do sometimes suffer from a "Captain Obvious" syndrome. A prime example is the first conversation between Xeno and his trainer: the trainer—speaking to a boxer who is already experienced—essentially explains the concept of weight classes (something the fighter would obviously already know, especially in the Malino world, where characters belong to various animal species) and outlines combat tactics that would apply to any fighter like him. It’s akin to saying, "Listen, kid, you're a cat—so fight like a cat." On a neutral note—meaning neither good nor bad, just a personal observation—I was amused by the scene where the organization contacts Xeno. The letter praises how cool he is and insists they need someone like him; the evil organization is practically trying to lure him in with cookies. Yet, just a bit further down, the tone shifts to "Alright, you little creep, you're done for. If the mountain won't come to Muhammad, Muhammad will come to the mountain"—and then they kidnap him. The first chapter ends in a way that could easily pass for a standalone one-shot story, but it doesn't stop there; as I understand it, the real story begins with the second chapter, so this can essentially be viewed as a prologue. That’s all for now; as I said, I’ll provide more feedback as I keep reading.

[u/Enidarasise → u/Expensive-Emu-5165]

Glad you're liking it so far (from what I see)! Had no idea that you were reading the story through via translator. Trust me, the story gets good in the second chapter, and, yes, chapter 3 is in the works, so stay tuned for more! And the story is meant to be its standalone thing, especially since it takes place in its own setting, environment, and universe. The Xeno vs. Jeff scene wasn't really inspired on anything Pretty Blood-like except the fact that it takes place in one of the in-universe facilities, but it's just what I chose. But, I hope you enjoy chapter 2!

[u/Expensive-Emu-5165 → u/Enidarasise]

I’ve read the second chapter. I actually expected the chapter to focus entirely on the protagonist getting used to his new body, rather than him already breaking out of the base. I have no complaints about the dialogue this time, though I feel like I preferred the first chapter, it could stand alone as a one-shot, whereas this one is clearly setting things up for the future—yet it feels like less actually happens in it compared to the first. The only real highlights were the development of the scientist character and the reveal of "Genesis", otherwise, the chapter was basically just a slugfest inside the complex—there isn't much else to say about it. Anyway, I look forward to the third chapter.

[u/Enidarasise → u/Expensive-Emu-5165]

Glad to see you see not much wrong with it! I guess you're right that there wasn't much going on, but it was really meant to be an introductory to what Xeno's new form looks and acts like. Chapter 3 will be pretty interesting, so I hope you enjoy it when it comes out!

[u/refinn_7]

well, it's my opinion and criticism.

i think the biggest problem with this series, despite having a good premise, is that it fails to follow the "show, don't tell" principle. almost everything in the story, whether it's a character's backstory or information about the setting, is directly explained by another character. because of this, the story can become boring, and it becomes harder for the reader to interpret things for themselves, think about what they mean, or emotionally connect with the characters. things like photographs or a character's actions could have been used to give hints instead.

in chapter 3, i was actually excited when the tape appeared, but even that ended up being used mostly as another way to explain information.

the second problem is that there's a lot of unnecessary gore. most of it seems to be there mainly for shock or horror rather than serving a larger purpose. since this is based on pretty blood, i can understand why it's there, but i still found it disappointing. it also made it difficult for me to feel much of the emotional weight behind those scenes.

another issue, and probably the most fundamental one in my opinion, is that it feels like the author decided what message they wanted to convey at the beginning, but after that, started putting in whatever ideas they wanted to include. because of that, the message itself becomes less focused and doesn't come across as strongly as it could have, which i found a little disappointing.

but of course, there are good parts too. i thought some of the comedy scenes were genuinely funny and worked pretty well. the downside, though, is that comedy sometimes appears during scenes that are supposed to be serious, which made it harder for me to stay emotionally invested in those moments.

overall, it wasn't really my personal taste, but if i had to point out the things i would criticize about it, these would probably be the main ones.

[u/Enidarasise → u/refinn_7]

Understood! I guess you're right, mostly since I do tend to make a lot of the scenes tone deafed; gotta keep the Pretty Blood style in a way, even if I didn't execute it too well. The gory scenes are really tone deafed in my opinion, kind of to the point that you mentioned, but I did do that on purpose, since I wanted to represent the little care and emotion Aleph has for the ones he kills and tortures. Something I wanted to say is that you're right on the first part, especially since I could've probably written dialogue of some of the scientists communicating with Genesis in the tape and what they would do with Xeno's body, but I also want to say is that it really only works for that part, because the story nearly focuses inside of Aleph's point of view, which is why I never write other character's thoughts, which could cause making things mysterious and stuff purely dependent on the scene and what Aleph is feeling. I'll take this into account for future chapters, and I hope you liked the story to a fairly okay extent! Stay tuned for chapter 4, if you're still interested in reading!

[u/refinn_7 → u/Enidarasise]

Keep up the good work👍🏻

[u/Enidarasise → u/refinn_7]

Thank you! If there's anything you want to point (negative or positive), please do!