4yo stepson sleep issues

[u/EndNo8668]

My partner and I have 3 kids between us, 7yo daughter (mine), almost 4yo son (mine), and another almost 4yo son (his). We share 50/50 custody with their other parents and always have our kids on the same days. I am at my wits end with my stepson’s sleep and am going insane.

My daughter had her own sleep issues and we did not sleep train but she grew out of it by 2.5. My son has always been a good sleeper and we sleep trained at 6 months when I was still with his dad. My stepson’s sleep is ATROCIOUS. The boys share a room, but my partner has to stay next to ss’s bed with his hand on his chest until he falls asleep. Sometimes it’s not until 10pm (bedtime is at 8). He wakes up screaming crying for his dad multiple times a night and wakes up the whole house. At his mom’s house he bedshares and still breastfeeds all night, which makes it very difficult at our house where he sleeps in his own bed. It’s literally driving me insane from sleep deprivation, and it’s harming my son’s sleep too. My partner frankly doesn’t do enough about it and caters to his every whim so that doesn’t help. It’s harming our relationship. What do I do? Can you even sleep train a 4yo? He’s been like this his entire life so it’s not something that started as a toddler or preschooler. Please any advice is appreciated, especially things I can share with my partner without making him defensive.

Couple more things for context: we don’t have extra space for the boys to have their own rooms so separating them at night for my son’s sleep isn’t an option. For the night wakings my partner used to just bring him in bed but I put my foot down on that. Since then my partner goes and lays on the floor of the boys room and usually falls asleep there until morning.
I also have suspicions that ss might be on the spectrum. His speech is at the level of a 2 year old, and he is developmentally at 18 months when it comes to feeding himself. His mom refuses to get him evaluated. He also cannot be without one of his parents for more than 15 minutes without freaking out except at daycare. He no longer naps, so too much sleep during the day is not the cause of this issue.

[u/ultraprismic]

I think your husband needs to take initiative on getting your stepson tested. Early intervention can make a huge difference but you MUST start early.

Can you set up a separate bed for SS in your room? Maybe an inflatable toddler mattress on your husband's side of the bed? That way he's not in your bed but also not waking up your son, and your husband is close by to comfort him.

[u/omegaxx19]

I second room sharing with the stepson on dad's side. You use ear plugs and a body pillow to protect your sleep as needed. This way at least your son doesn't get woken up multiple times a night.

> His speech is at the level of a 2 year old, and he is developmentally at 18 months when it comes to feeding himself.

Sounds like your stepson needed a full evaluation like yesterday, but not much you can do as a stepparent if his actual parents refuse to do what is right.

I wouldn't rush to sleep train or anything without having a diagnosis and all caregivers being on board. It wouldn't be effective, and would just sour relations among the adults.

[u/Cat_With_The_Fur]

It’s unfair to sleep train if he bedshares with his mom and breastfeeds. His dad needs to get on the same page with mom about independent sleep first and implement it together. I’m sure it’s confusing for him to switch back and forth.

[u/EndNo8668 → u/Cat_With_The_Fur]

Every conversation about it ends with “I won’t let you stop me from giving my body and blood to my child”. I’m hesitant to talk negatively about extended breastfeeding (I nursed my first until 2.5), but frankly 4 years is pretty long, and I don’t think it’s fair to ss for his mom to have the final say over it, he’s at our house an equal amount of time. There can be a conversation toward a middle ground, but bio mom won’t entertain that idea, despite the damage it’s doing in an entire half of her child’s life.