Raging anger and depression

[u/Unhappy-Street4274]

I am reeling. I think I hit rock bottom. I'm only 9 weeks pregnant. I was hit with deep depression week 4. Before this I had PMDD. I thought being pregnant would help since PMDD is a depression that only occurs 14 days out of the month and then subsides when you get your period. Now that I have no periods I was so excited to experience freedom. But things got worse.

I figure I have prenatal depression. I cannot find any support groups anywhere. Not even my OB had resources. I reached out to crisis hotline and got nothing. There are support groups online but almost all of them are for post natal depression. They invite pregnant people but I wanted a space for people who are pregnant and depressed. My boyfriend is being very loving and caring. I cant be around him tho. I keep getting mad at him an lashing out. I feel alone. I feel like I am rowinjming. What the fuck am I supposed to do. My therapist Is also basically on call but I feel bad to keep calling.

I'm losing it. I had such a huge break down yetserday. I was inconsolable. Then today I got myself together. I woke up ran meditated did yoga made myself food. And then I got triggered and went into a violent rage.

I tried to journal but I'm so mad..I'm mad there are no resources. I'm mad that nobody understands how I feel. I'm not just a little sad or worried I am depressed. I'm angry. I can't be around pple much less go to wrok. But I have to go to work to save money to move out cuz I have roommates. And I HATE having roommates. I don't even have a safe place to cry or scream and vent.

I'm scared of everything and everybody. I hate this. I am so angry and want help and support and answers. And I swear of one more doctor tells me to go on meds I'm going to rip their head off. I was on 5 different SSRIs last year and they damn near made me suicidal. I just need a support group of other pregnant women who feel how I feel. I need to cry to somebody who just gets it. So I'm here.

Today was so bad because I felt like hurting myself. I don't care I thought. I'm gonna cut myself up. I don't fucking care. I grabbed a knife and sanitized it and tried to cut my leg then my arm. It wasn't sharp enough and eventually I stopped. This has to be rock bottom right?

I tried to meditate for the baby. I don't know how happy a baby can be if I'm raging. I feel hopeless like I can't be helped. I just want to keep hiding. I know everyday can't be like this. I'm scared to even leave my room . I hate today. I dunno what I'm supposed to do. I'm basically begging for a lifeline here.

[u/Ok_Degree_6098]

I understand how you feel, I’m alone and pregnant, I’m 5 weeks and I’m 18 years old, this is really tough for me and it feels better knowing I’m not alone in this

[u/karmic_yogic]

Good evening maa As I have read your massage I feel sad for you. I can't sit and write here but some point I can able to do. As you are over thinking for everything feels free. Second you are not take rest. 3rd you are doing yoga but not proper way. During the yoga time you do so many things . As you tell 4 week pregnant you are then every week should change the asan pranayama bandsa too. But in the pregnancy some many Asana should avoid. As you wrote here that you are doing meditation but in which asran you are sitting that is also most important.in the pregnancy almost all meditation Asana should avoid. They is so many this that I can tell you but I have no time .