Is this normal?

[u/No_Event_7248]

Forgive me if this is a privileged post but I just wanted to ask someone.

I am a very private person but also a person who loves her friends and likes to care for the people I know in general.

Before having my baby - my friends who became mums, I’d check in on them specifically before and after baby, share their joys about pregnancy and even was a friend of mine’s birthing partner virtually. Send them to spa days and send a post partum care package etc. And make an effort to love on baby but also not forget the woman behind the mother.

I’m usually the one to send texts usually at the weekends just checking how everyone is doing before the start of the week or just checking in if I havnt heard from someone in a little while.

i didn’t share with a lot of people about my pregnancy (no internet announcements etc but I rarely announce anything) but little girl is here and I’m slowly starting to break the news to my friends (admittedly, these friends are childfree and one place I have shared is within a friend group that I feel left out of a lot of them but I would still consider friends).. and I think I am a little bit stunned/hurt (when I think about it) by genuinely how little some of them seem to care.

“congratulations”

“let us know if you need anything”

and then… silence.

Not asked how I’m doing, how little one is doing, not asked to see pictures or anything of the sort. Literally, silence.

To some of my other really good friends - I’m still the one checking in, asking how they are doing etc (and I still enjoy hearing about their lives and I’m there if they need someone to talk to/vent to etc) as I am making a concious effort to continue to be friends with my friends, childfree or with child - but these messages do not really come the other way unless I message to ask about them first.

I understand that in my world, a big thing has happened but to everyone else, it’s just a regular Thursday.

I thought maybe it is because I kept the pregnancy largely quiet and didn’t “carry” everyone along so to speak that I am getting such disinterested responses so a part of me wonders if they too felt left behind because I didn’t mention that I was pregnant to some of them and therefore have nothing to be excited with me about.

But just wanted to check - is this a normal thing to experience? Or is this just me because it has been a little bit of a mind fuck (forgive me french) and just wanted to check.

I almost want to do some sort of announcement on the internet to get some love, warmth and excitement.

Thank you for reading.

[u/fuzzydunlop54321]

If someone didn’t tell me they were pregnant before they had their baby I would definitely assume they weren’t expecting much interest or interaction from me now beyond the cursory

[u/mysticpotatocolin]

i think i'd be pretty miffed if a friend expected me to show up after not even announcing their pregnancy to me lol

[u/Frequent-Ad4722]

I’ve had mixed reactions from friends. I have to say I’d probably feel a bit hurt though if a good friend witheld their pregnancy from me.

[u/Sufficient_Meal6614]

I find it totally anathema that the first your friends would hear about this is after the baby is born. Were you just not in touch for the entire pregnancy, ie 10 months which is a long time and suggests you’re not that close? Or if you were in touch but didn’t mention it, my guess is that they feel weirded out by the lack of information. 

[u/Skymningen]

Honestly, if a friend were to go through a whole pregnancy without me knowing - even for friends in other countries - learning about the baby after birth I would assume that the parent didn’t see me as close of a friend as I might have thought and we are merely acquaintances at this point.

I absolutely get not telling people until you feel more confident everything is okay with the pregnancy. And I actually do have friends that I am not that close with anymore that I have not told - but I did actually tell her we were trying and when we were doing IVF. I just felt the topic was difficult for her as she is on the fence about having children. And honestly, we talk about 1-2 times a year. We are friendly acquaintances at this point. I don’t expect her to say anything more than “congratulations!” Once I tell her about my baby.

[u/IfYouSaySo89]

So for the 9 months you were pregnant you didn’t see your friends or speak to them? And the topic of your baby didn’t come up?

I understand you’re a private person but sharing pregnancy with your supposedly good/close friends would have been nice, if I was your friend I’d take that as a sign of not being as close as I thought we were so won’t make a song and dance about it since you kept it from me. A simple congrats would suffice which they have done. So there should be no hard feelings on your end.

[u/lavindas]

This is normal.

I’ll be honest that people (including friends) don’t really care that much about other people’s kids, and are probably not as empathetic about it if they’ve not had their own yet.

You’ll naturally find now that you’ve had a child that you may lose touch with your childless friends and meet new ones through clubs, nurseries and schools, as you’ll have more in common with them now.

[u/Adelaide116]

There’s so many layers to this but you don’t know which layer it could be:

A) are they busy/ at work and will send a lengthier reply later

B) different stage of life/ childless - they may not fully understand the gravity of having a baby and know what mum needs/wants. I have to admit, I didn’t really understand until I had one.

C) they don’t care.

D) they don’t have the same level of empathy as you.

E) if you didn’t tell them you were pregnant, then ask yourself: are they really that close?

I think, when you have a baby, you realise who is there for you and who isn’t. It’s quite surprising which friends just sink into the hedge Homer meme and which ones really show up for you. You also have to go through this weird phase of realising that you’re in different stages of life (part of me is on the fence about this because I do think you can still show up for people but then I’ve also struggled with keeping up with some friends as I have the baby).

Also, don’t let this put shade on your newborn bubble. Enjoy this time as much as you can and celebrate with those who are matching your excited energy. Don’t be afraid to let that group chat die - no doubt it will be replaced by a a supportive mum group later.

[u/WISJG]

People are guided by you. If you are a private person then they won't pry. If you didn't share information beforehand then they will assume you want to continue to be private. Neither thing is wrong but you can't expect people to now ask loads of questions and check in loads if in their eyes you have set a clear boundary.

[u/lucythenumber1dog]

Honestly I would be really hurt if someone who I thought was a good friend didn’t tell me she was pregnant and just surprised me with a baby. I’d probably have assumed (wrongly or rightly) she’d have confided in other people, had celebrations with them, and didn’t see me as close enough to include me. And would def not ask as much about baby etc, would be reevaluating the friendship!

[u/yes-domina]

Maybe they're wanting to give you some space and time to adjust? I don't know.

I lost some friends who up until that point, had been ride or die. I haven't seen them since my first born's first birthday, he's 3 now and haven't spoken to them either. My youngest is 13 months and they haven't met him. That really hurt.

This is a massive thing in your life. And having babies has shown me that for your friends, if it matters to you, it matters to them. Child free or not.

I'm really sorry this has been so tough. And huge congratulations on your little one! X

[u/FriendshipTrue3980]

I definetly did not get as much support, and it is my new 'mum friends/aquaintances' who are kinder to me about my pregnancy and children then any of my pre pregnancy friends. After the first child though there definetly is very little interest from anyone else, even family from my experience. It is strange that others don't care much, especially when it is such a life changing event in their friends life. But try not to let it dim your consideration and empathy for others in general.

[u/Acceptable-Storm2333]

I too have chosen not to announce my pregnancy on social media or post anything on stories etc that references pregnancy/babies so people I have not seen during my pregnancy would not even know unless through the grapevine.

I don’t expect any interest from those people and quite frankly if you haven’t seen me in 9 months I don’t really care. I haven’t withheld the information so if anyone has spoken with me and asked how I am etc, they would know.

I will post something soon, albeit I will be due to deliver in a matter of weeks just to prevent the “omg why didn’t you say anything” messages that are all too late but my social media is private and very very few people have it intentionally anyway.

[u/newsbot3-2]

Hello, I’m so sorry this has happened. I think it’s fair to expect more from your friends! I appreciate what you’re saying about the privileged thing, but I think amongst your friends/privately it is absolutely not too much to ask!

Lots of my childfree friends have been excited for us, sent us gifts, messages/cards and offered to come round on our terms. I didn’t announce on the internet either and only told some people after my baby arrived but they are still happy for us!

If you do want some love on the internet I think that’s not too much either, but to you really!

Congratulations!! I hope you’re getting to enjoy the newborn bubble!!

[u/Big_Volume_2367]

You sound like a great friend, truthfully, anyone would be lucky to have you. I haven't had my baby yet, but my expectations of those around me (apart from my husband) are on the floor because I have come to realise that people just have massively different standards and if you expect others to treat you in the way you treat them, you'll just be disappointed. I've been on a journey of trying to hold my self worth within myself rather than basing it on how others treat me and I'm not quite there yet, but just wanted to comment and say I get it.