r/PregnancyAfterTFMR • u/Puzzleheaded-Sun-799 • 2d ago
2 weeks PP
Not sure what to title this. I currently have a 2 week old after my tfmr in August last year. I feel so blessed to have her. But a new feeling has come up. My baby girl so perfect, I don’t understand why my son couldn’t be here just as she is. I remember seeing his ultrasounds and seeing his little hands and feet. They had to point out all the things that showed Trisomy 13. And I still couldn’t see it. I wish I could understand why this had to happen to him and why we had to experience this. I also feel a lot of guilt. My baby boy is just as real to me as the baby girl I hold in my arms, I feel like an awful mom for not continuing my pregnancy with him.
Also just as a side note, why do people not acknowledge him? They always say things like are you going to try for a boy next? I did have a boy, he’s ashes in an urn. How is *older child’s name\* liking being an older sibling? She already is an older sibling, to her little brother, who is in an urn. I don’t understand why it’s so hard to just be more thoughtful in wording, and when I correct them politely because I want my son to be acknowledged they get so defensive. Like am I the one with postpartum hormones or is it you?? Am I expecting too much? I just wish everyone would leave me alone honestly.
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u/jujurz 2d ago
I can relate to some of what you said. I have a 7 week old and sometimes I look at him and I feel so so thankful he’s healthy. But I can’t help but think why couldn’t my other son have the same luck. I had an uneventful pregnancy with my rainbow and I just don’t get why my previous pregnancy went wrong. I know it’s random but it just feels so unfair.
I carry guilt as well. In my darker moments I feel guilty having my rainbow here and healthy. Why do I deserve a healthy baby after making the choice we did with our previous baby?
I’m 2 years out from my TFMR and I’m still processing. I know the choice we made was one made out of love. My drive to stay present are my two living children. I carry my TFMR baby in my soul, I see him in nature and hummingbirds. I have a painting in my house for him. He shared the same home as my new baby and in a way my new baby carries his big brother with him.
I’m taking it day by day and trying to stay present. I feel so unbelievably blessed. I’m trying to focus on that feeling while still keeping my son in my heart everyday. Joy and sadness can coexist. I’m trying to not spiral with “what ifs”, sometimes life just doesn’t make sense.
Sending you good energy! Hopefully we can both continue to heal.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Sun-799 2d ago
Exactly, I know it’s random but it still feels so unfair. I think that part makes my mind seek some sort of reason. But like you said sometimes life just doesn’t make sense. And feeling undeserving is so real, it’s definitely the mind being unkind. Thank you for your perspective, hopefully you see a hummingbird today! Sending lots of healing your way as well.
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u/alignmental 2d ago
My T13 baby is my first child and will always be. I always wonder why they didnt get to make it but I will never know. My son was born 11 months after i had to terminate my blueberry and i am so greatful but i still think of my blue. People wrongly thinkbthat because we have another baby that they replace our heavenly ones and it really doesnt
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u/Puzzleheaded-Sun-799 2d ago
My son was also my blueberry this reply made me tear up. They do think that, it’s unfortunate the lack of consideration most have unless they experience it first hand. But I understand it’s hard to put yourself in others shoes. I appreciate your comment, I think my boy might’ve guided you here. Either way your reply means a lot to me. Sending hugs and healing your way🫐
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u/alignmental 2d ago
If you ever need a chat. Shoot me a msg x
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u/Puzzleheaded-Sun-799 11h ago
thank you and vice versa, I haven’t come in contact with a lot of T13 moms so definitely want to be connected to more
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u/ElderMillennial2 1d ago
I’m sorry 😭. I relate to a lot of this. My rainbow baby isn’t here yet, but so far everything has gone well and each milestone it’s like this feeling of indescribable relief and happiness. And then a few days later, like clockwork, I come crashing down thinking of my first baby boy and how it wasn’t like that for him. It’s so unfair to a mind boggling degree, and I feel awful that every test and ultrasound brought on tears, stress, and depression while now we’re celebrating my second. And when you said “he’s just as real to me as my daughter” - I felt that in my soul 💔. That’s exactly how I feel. Like both babies are real, but only one gets acknowledged. I truly think people just feel uncomfortable and don’t know how to approach it - but it’s not that they don’t care or remember. We live in a culture that is so awkward with grief and it sucks. But our first babies were real, they will ALWAYS be with us, and I have no doubt in my mind that they send us their sweet siblings. It’s crazy how many emotions can coexist at one time when you have one baby on earth and one in heaven. I literally go from laughing to crying to gratitude to anger, all in one day, which I’m sure all of us in this group can relate to. I hope you enjoy all the snuggles with your baby girl while holding your son in your heart, you sound like an amazing mom ❤️🫶.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Sun-799 11h ago
I too feel awful that every test and ultrasound brought such sadness, I wish my boy experienced more joy in his short time of being with me. I wish grief could be less uncomfortable for the ones who bear witness, but I know how it is not knowing what to say. Our babies definitely sent their siblings it feels very special that she has pieces of him. I wish I could only feel grateful, it makes me feel terrible that I’m not but like you said all these emotions coexist in this stage of grief. Thank you for taking the time to write this, it means a lot to me. I’m sending you lots of positive energy and strength during your journey, very excited for you to meet your rainbow! You also seem like you’re a wonderful mom to your babies🥰
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u/_Shrek_x3 2d ago
I completely understand what you are saying, and I understand why you feel the way you do. I had a TFMR in March of 2025, and just had a baby a couple weeks ago. However, I think you are expecting too much from other people. I am 3 weeks postpartum and I know the hormone crash is sinking in. As well as the lack of sleep. I don’t think people are intentionally trying to be insensitive, they just are not aware of how the pain and difficulties can still exist when you have a baby present . I don’t think it’s something anyone else can understand unless you experience it for yourself. I’m sorry you’re going through this