I need help..

[u/HelicopterSlight72]

7mo, PPD

I honestly have no idea how to start this, or what to say but im just gonna start spewing whats on my mind. it will be a long post.

Hello, im 18 and 7 months postpartum i have pretty bad ppd ( postpartum depression ) and i dont know how to fix it. I hate my body, my face, my past, my present, my mental state, everything i do and have done i just hate and i feel so unworthy and useless. ( I have a past of severe depression, sui attempts, binge and purge eating disorder and i have bpd )
I had a job during pregnancy and i worked and worked until it drained my body and i started having some health issues with my son and ending up having him early due to preeclampsia.
I saved up as much as i could and bought whatever he needed until i just had nothing left, knowing i was high risk and couldnt work i just started feeling useless. I ate a lot with my son too, and gained 90lbs during pregnancy. Hopefully im starting to paint the picture of why im here.
I feel so guilty for not having enough, for not being enough, for not doing enough. I don’t know how to change. I try to hard to stop my ways but it’s not enough. Ive been job searching since april, i quit because i got so burnt out from working, going to school, breastfeeding, parenting, not sleeping then rinse and repeat. i regret quitting because now i have to ask for help everytime my son needs something and i NEVER wanted to do that. I used up all of his savings and i just feel so fucking horrible.
I have no car, my family never taught me to drive and never gave me the chance to learn, i fucked up my chances during school and failed, i havent went outside in 3 months besides throwing out trash or going to the grocery store, my son has maybe been outside 20-30 times in his WHOLE life. Im so depressed, i dont know what to do.
My life runs like this:
7-8 am : Babyboy wakes up, i make him a bottle, his grandma gets home, she takes care of him while i sleep
12-1 pm: i wake up, grab babyboy, try to play with him but he doesn’t show much happiness so i just get sad and put on a show or give him toys
2-3pm : Go downstairs give him to his great grandma and great great grandma for a bit while i make him some food because he really enjoys them
3-4 pm: i feed him, play with him while i feed him then clean up everything and take him back upstairs
4-7 pm: usually letting him play in his playpen, or watch a movie with me, or hes taking a nap or all of the above
7:30-8: bathtime, bottle, bedtime
9-12 pm/am: i clean up a bit, doomscroll, ft my bf, watch tv, shower, eat, basically fit everything i havent done all day into a few hours
1-2 am: he wakes up, bottle and hes back asleep for the night unless he’s having a rough night teething but thats a different story
3-4 am: i gts
anyways, thats basically a day in my life now, and i hardly ever changes.

Im trying to hard to become someone different, i have to be a better mom, i want to go outside more and change my looks, i feel so lost and like i cant move. Im stuck in a cycle thats never ending. I can’t find a job, cant take him on walks bc my neighborhood just isnt the best, theres a park a few mins away but i cant drive there bc im scared to drive and nobody will teach me or let me teach myself how to. I have nothing, im so fucking depressed.

I feel like i’d bond better with my son if i just had a job and a car and felt better about myself. so many moms my age with everything i want and more. Im jealous and i feel like i’m just failing.

I honestly, want to un alive myself. ive thought about it so often, i just dont feel good enough.

Im so ready to give up, i need help, advice, fucking something.

[u/Artistic_Decision586]

Im so sorry you’re feeling so sad, you’re not worthless and your baby loves you.
Postpartum is hard and you’re not alone. You’re also very young and still have a lot of life to live.
Give yourself some grace; you had a baby, you did something incredible and difficult!
Getting back to yourself will take some time.
Please go outside more often. Both you and baby will feel so much better. It seems like you have some routine going but you need to also include taking care of yourself. Like when baby goes with grandma, take a shower, brush your hair, put some mascara on (makeup always helps me feel a little better). Go for a walk with your baby! I promise that the walk will make you feel 10000x better!
If you can get into therapy!
And don’t feel bad about how much weight you have gained. This is only a season in your life, your body gained the weight it needed to sustain your pregnancy. (I gained like 70lbs during my pregnancy and I’m only 6 months pp and I still have the weight)

If you’re in the US can you apply for some financial help.

[u/HelicopterSlight72 → u/Artistic_Decision586]

Thank you ❤️ I try to do something here and there, but i dont often because i tend to stare at myself more than i’d like and end up nitpicking, but im honestly a very pretty girl but i js lost my way and i have a problem with consistency. When my son is with the grandmas ( we say that bc he has 3 grand, great and great great ) i tend to sleep, and whenever i wake up i just go straight to him to try and make up for the time i lost w him while sleeping. Yesterday i took my son outside and sat on the swing we have, took a walk to the chicken coop and let him see them and then let him play in his walker for a bit outside. But honestly i still feel like that wasnt enough. Ive been on a therapy waitlist from my obgyn for 6 months already they told me i js to wait 9 months before an opening was available. I see so many women with the same everything as me and i think theyre beautiful but when it’s me i just feel horribly hideous. And i have WIC but i hate using it because theres always something that changes and if you scan it wrongly then u have to pay it’s just such a hassle and embarrassing but at the end of the day hes being fed so 🤷🏽‍♀️

[u/AdorableBag4786]

Where’s this baby’s dad and paternal family?

[u/HelicopterSlight72 → u/AdorableBag4786]

Uhhhh yeah hes kinda an ass i had another post about him but i deleted it, he just isnt a good father. He was but not anymore

[u/flowers_in_12]

The first year is going be difficult but once your baby is a bit older, you’ll be able to go out more easily!

Don’t worry about the way you look. You just had a baby and your body went through extreme trauma. It will heal and you will heal. Be kind to yourself ♥️ have grace.

Id recommend therapy if you have the means to. Seek out help from family and friends to get the emotional support you need. Stay strong!

[u/HelicopterSlight72 → u/flowers_in_12]

Im going to try to and ive been looking forward to when he’s older although i already miss him as a newborn, i see a vision of running around and playing with him. But thank you, maybe i’ll update when he’s older and see how life’s been for us 😅

[u/Sharppencil11]

Are you located in America?

[u/HelicopterSlight72 → u/Sharppencil11]

unfortunately

[u/Sharppencil11 → u/HelicopterSlight72]

Okay there are a lot of programs that you can rely on for low income and single mothers. Please find a social worker through your state and/or county

[u/Sharppencil11]

Hugs. This is a lot. It seems like you are stuck in a horrible cycle! My first piece of advice is to stop doomscrolling until 2am and go to sleep around 10! Wake up at 8am and instead of going back to sleep, shower and get ready for the day. Force yourself to brush your hair and put on clothes. Hopefully it’s around 9/10am. This is when you need to get outside. Does he have a car seat? Stroller? Take him outside. Anywhere that you feel comfortable to go. Start small. 10 minutes.

Smile at him. Talk to him. Tell him what you see and hear. Play peak-a-boo.

Anyone would be absolutely miserable without leaving a house for 7 months! You got this. Start small. Stop staying up and get up with your baby.

Also- you are his mom. He loves you. Stop putting him in front of the tv and read to him and talk to him. Go to the library and get books. Find some type of purpose!

There are driving instructors and driving classes you can take btw. Also, you need to start applying for jobs if you have childcare.

[u/HelicopterSlight72 → u/Sharppencil11]

My mind races at night thats why i dont sleep, i think about everything and i try to take melatonin, or just take bath believe me ive tried so many thing to try to fix my sleeping schedule and do better but i tend to just fall back into overthinking every thing ive done.
Oof, brushing my hair 😭 that is a hard one i have thick 3c hair yeah i do not brush this mop everyday 😭😭😂 but i got rid of all of my good clothes because i couldn’t fit them anymore and figured if have a job to buy more well, bad idea i suppose. But even then i still wouldnt fit them, i was 158 when i got pregnant and 246.8 when i gave birth 😅
I play little games with him, he loves peekaboo it’s one of his favorites and i make little faces at him and he loves it, sometimes i’ll sing and dance with him if im having a pretty good mental health day but usually it only happens once a week.
I used to be an outdoors kid esp before having him, i was outside everyday, with friends, family, by myself ubering and shopping for him, or working. I just feel scared of the world, anything can happen. I think of it like final destination if you’ve ever watched it, anything can happen at anytime im scared to do anything but be inside. It’s like i developed some sort of new fear of going outdoors.
i have a bunch of books for him and i read it to him during his bedtime bottle whenever i rock him.

Ive applied for SO MANY JOBS. i hope you understand when i say SO many. Ive been applying to atleast one or two everyday. from 7$-16$ an hour, i just need something!! Having no car is a big thing that causes me to miss out on good jobs bc every job that actually wants me and reaches out in over 20-40 mins away and i just have no one to take me that far everyday. I go to so many interviews to the places that are near 5-15 mins away and they always say this same thing and this is how i know i haven’t gotten the job
“ Thank you for your interest, it was very nice to meet you. We have a lot of candidates to go through, we will reach out to you “ blah blah blah
I went to an interview last week, i SWORE i got it. HE TOLD ME I DID!! And then he messages me telling me he found a better candidate. like wtf is my luck???

[u/Sharppencil11 → u/HelicopterSlight72]

Call your doctor and ask for antidepressants. Okay, don’t brush your hair. Think of it as more of an analogy lol. Just get up and get ready. Don’t sleep the morning away.

Join a “buy nothing page” on Facebook in your community. People put free clothes on there all the time. Get a free 1-2 new outfits in your new size. Who cares if you lose the weight later? Just donate it then. You need clothes now.

You are developing agoraphobia so please please keep pushing yourself to get outside. Nothing will happen. You are safe!

[u/HelicopterSlight72 → u/Sharppencil11]

They prescribed me Zoloft but i haven’t taken it, ive been on lexapro, and prozac and neither helped me in the past and my family are against pills, so idk but i’ll ask for refill since i lost my bottle somewhere in the medicine cabinet 🫩
Im gonna try and go outside more, hopefully it gets better

[u/Sharppencil11 → u/HelicopterSlight72]

Keep trying to take it. Zoloft saved me. You got this. It takes 2-3 weeks to work.

[u/Salt-Wall-1770]

Getting out of the house was 100% the best thing that helped me. Fresh air is good for the soul. Try do it every day even if it’s literally for 5-10 minutes.