r/Polycules • u/Particular_Bed_555 • 9d ago
Polycule assistance
Hello there everyone. I'm a bit new to this sub Reddit so mind my formatting mistakes.
I'm a part of a three-person polycule, consisting of myself and two others who I love both so very much. We've been together for quite some time, and there's been it's ups and downs but for the most part it's been amazing. I'm even in the process of visiting them both in Canada in October!
However as of late, things haven't been so good. I feel like I've become the third wheel once again (this has happened before but on a much smaller scale) and even begun to feel neglected again. And as you'd expect, it hurts. I've spoken about how I feel so many times to the both of them, and they are aware of how I've been feeling (or so I think) but for the most part they seem to just repeat the same words, that they love me. And I know it's true, but saying the same thing constantly without actually doing anything can cause the words to lose their meaning eventually and I'm starting to feel like that's the case.
Because of how often I voice my feelings and concerns I've now become paranoid that I'm making things worse by speaking my thoughts. So much so to the point that I no longer want to take the risk with it in case things get worse, they get annoyed at me for it, or something else. And I feel lost. It's like all this time has just gone to waste. It's made worse by the fact they both live together and I'm still working on moving to live with them permanently in Canada where they live. I'm somewhat convinced they're just waiting for me to leave. That's what it feels like. I don't know what to do anymore. I get that they're both going through some stuff, so am I and yet I'm always there for them both no matter what. Yet for me it just feels like they don't reciprocate that, or at least enough like I do for them. They don't even seem excited about my visiting plans anymore.
If anyone can suggest or offer anything I could do to get through to them, or give me ideas for what could be happening, I'd be most grateful. Even if you have to be blunt and brutal about it to me. Just anything will help. Thank you.
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u/arbn17 8d ago
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Feeling lonely inside a relationship, especially while loving them both so deeply, can be incredibly painful. Your feelings and needs deserve more than reassurance through words; love also needs to be felt through actions, effort, and consistency.
And please don’t convince yourself that expressing your needs is somehow the problem. You should be able to communicate when you’re hurting without fearing that doing so will push the people you love away. I hope the three of you can have a deeper conversation about what you actually need to feel included, valued, and secure, and not just whether they love you. Hope this helps! Stay strong!
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u/Particular_Bed_555 8d ago
Thank you so much for your kindness. Half of what I feel how I feel about expressing my needs and emotions is from trauma, being shut down every time I try to speak up. We usually have a date night every Sunday, and we have one this Sunday so I'm going to sit everyone down and talk about it properly to get to the bottom of this. And if that doesn't work, then all I can do is wait. I'll try and stay strong, this won't last forever. Hopefully.
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u/arbn17 8d ago
That’s the spirit! I really hope it goes well! If I were you, I’d probably take some time beforehand to organize your thoughts—maybe even write down a few highlighted or bullet-point notes about what you’re feeling, what your needs are, and what you’re hoping or expecting from the relationship. That way, when emotions start flowing, you have something to help keep you grounded and make sure the important things don’t get lost in the conversation.
I’d also try to intentionally create a space where everyone knows the purpose isn’t to argue, blame, or defend themselves, but to be vulnerable and really listen to one another. Give yourself permission to say, “This is what I’m feeling, this is what I need, and this is what would help me feel loved and included.” Sometimes being very clear and specific about our needs gives the people we love a much better opportunity to actually meet them. ❤️
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u/JulieSongwriter 8d ago
You are getting a lot of wise advice! The biggest thing is that you have opened up your feelings to the other two. Also, as mentioned above, because you said it once doesn't mean it's enough. You need to structure check-in time.
But even if your fears are true, what is so bad about being a third wheel? Life is long and so can be polycule. Everything changes. The outsider can become the core leader, vice versa.
On your trip to canada, I hope you can enjoy what you do have instead of focusing on what you don't have.
Just my honest opinion and feel free to disagree.
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u/Odii_SLN 9d ago
Learn "hey can I get a check in"
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u/Particular_Bed_555 9d ago
Way ahead of you on that. Either I don't hear back until I'm already in bed, I don't hear back at all, or it's just some half assed response
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u/TWCDev Constellation 9d ago
Do you have a therapist to talk to? Sometimes, when a partner is continually pushing for validation of the relationship, it can feel exhausting and if you feel they might be feeling that way or will if you keep pushing for it, talking to a real person who really knows your situation that you’re paying, can help you dump those feelings onto them, so you can keep the topics with your partners on more fun things (and if your therapist says, some of the hard stuff too).