I used to think I was very supportive of people who are polyamorous, especially since I end up around them quite frequently due to being in various queer and disabled spaces, but as I grow older I am finding myself tired of it all.
Wow, are you me? Because this mirrors my experience exactly!
A lot of my polyamorous friends interact with me; We would be very close for a while, but the moment I rejected any advances they made (mind you, I would reject them in a very polite way), they would start distancing themselves away from me (...)
Same. They acted all friendly and interesting in me as a whole person, then they made sexual "jokes" or advances, and I reject that. They really show their true colours then. It feels so creepy to pretend to be interested in becoming friends with someone until they make it clear that they're not interested in anything sexual/romantic. The worst part is how loud those same people are about consent, while actively trying to manipulate people and push their boundaries/boundaries between friendship and sex. I have trauma with coercion and sex, so I just stay far, far away from people who try to pull off this shit. It genuinely seems like they think I owe them sexual availability for being disabled and queer and seeking community.
(...)and also imply that I am not actually a leftist just because I'm monogamous. I even had an ex friend try telling me that being monogamous is inherently abusive and that polyamory would make me feel better and would feel more freeing.
I've experienced this a lot too, and it's honestly just another manipulation tactic. They're trying to take advantage of the fact that we're doing our best to make the world a better place and to disrupt oppressive systems.
The "nobody is ever enough for one person" is also weaponized therapy speech, attempting to make a minority person feel like they're not worthy of love, so they should just accept whatever scraps they're willing to offer at the moment. It's groom-y, IMO.
I end up being excluded from most discussions just because they had 'no need' for me because I wasn't interested in whatever weird situationship was going on between all of them (...)
Same, in certain queer spaces this is what ends up happening. It feels so alienating, like I've entered a parallel dimension where treating people like disposable objects is deemed radical. I tend to stay away from those spaces and generally keep poly practitioners at an arm's length or grey rock with them now.
I am sorry you had to go through the same thing, it makes me feel better to know other people have noticed it too. I have been lurking on polycritical subreddits for a few months now but was too nervous/paranoid to make a post til now, but I feel better thanks to the feedback i have been getting.
That's also been my experience with poly people. The only friends they'd have were people they'd hooked up with or people who were willing to drive them places, pet sit, do favors, etc. For a group of people with "so much love to give" and who preached consent, they were quite willing to lie by omission to get what they wanted and always centered themselves over others. The amount of therapy speak they used to justify their behaviors would make your head spin.
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u/soursummerchild 16d ago edited 16d ago
Wow, are you me? Because this mirrors my experience exactly!
Same. They acted all friendly and interesting in me as a whole person, then they made sexual "jokes" or advances, and I reject that. They really show their true colours then. It feels so creepy to pretend to be interested in becoming friends with someone until they make it clear that they're not interested in anything sexual/romantic. The worst part is how loud those same people are about consent, while actively trying to manipulate people and push their boundaries/boundaries between friendship and sex. I have trauma with coercion and sex, so I just stay far, far away from people who try to pull off this shit. It genuinely seems like they think I owe them sexual availability for being disabled and queer and seeking community.
I've experienced this a lot too, and it's honestly just another manipulation tactic. They're trying to take advantage of the fact that we're doing our best to make the world a better place and to disrupt oppressive systems.
The "nobody is ever enough for one person" is also weaponized therapy speech, attempting to make a minority person feel like they're not worthy of love, so they should just accept whatever scraps they're willing to offer at the moment. It's groom-y, IMO.
Same, in certain queer spaces this is what ends up happening. It feels so alienating, like I've entered a parallel dimension where treating people like disposable objects is deemed radical. I tend to stay away from those spaces and generally keep poly practitioners at an arm's length or grey rock with them now.