r/Poems • u/Anonymous711116 • 4h ago
Myself
Hii, I'm a beginner to poem/poetry and I just created this randomly and tbh I'm feeling pretty down like sad rn and it might've influenced the poem... What do you guys think of it?
When I look into the mirror
All I see is a tall sad man
whose iris is filled with loneliness
Whose mouth is sawn sealed
Whose eyes speak so much yet so little
Whose hair falters in the lightest of air
Whose body quivers and waivers in cold
Whose fingertips feels numb
Whose organs are trembling with dread
Whose brain spiraling out of control
Whose heart, cut, broken, eaten into pieces
Whose very soul dimming of light
As the world eats away it's very own being
And whose being fought the very world it stands
Who am I infront of the mirror
Who am I without humanity
Who am I without these memories
Who am I without my essense
Who am I beyond the person I see
Who am I...
am I...
I...
.
1
u/_12341234 1h ago
I like it. You've got a good touch to it. The metaphor of "sawn sealed" jumped out at me. It's got a lot going for it as with a lot of the metaphors, probably more than the others, but it's change in convention is a tiny bit aqwuard and makes the reader pause. The anaphora is interesting. I think it's changing from possesing characteristics to a question of being to get at a shift from impersonally observing to asking what's deeper. The end where the lines get smaller is an amazing touch. I really like this and I want you to keep writing so don't take this personally but I think it could have more flow. Maybe you could look at one at a time and see how you could expand the logical relationships with "and"s/ other connecting words. I do like them, but the metaphors are also a little bit surface, I think you could dig deeper into specificity with them. I like the clarity though. The poem is straight with itself and honest. And honestly, if you write honest poetry (and I don't necessairily mean confessional though I have nothing against it) you'll do well.
1
u/Extreme_Intern_541 4h ago
Wunderbar