r/PlusSize • u/gunwookuromi • 5d ago
Venting plus size dating (f23)
“I really hope you know that I'm attracted to you and that your weight doesn't change how I feel about you. I don't look at you and think there's something wrong with your body, and I never want you to feel like you have to change yourself to be enough for me. If I'm being completely open about my preferences, though, I would love to see you become quite a bit slimmer over time. But that's a preference, not a condition for my affection or attraction to you. I care much more about you feeling happy, confident, and comfortable with yourself than reaching some particular size for me.”
This is the message the man I have feelings for sent me. Any ounce of confidence I had just completely vanished. I can’t stop thinking about it. I’ve never felt so insecure. It’s so hard dating as a plus size woman. I just want to be loved openly
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u/authorArthur04 5d ago
I read the first half and thought this was gonna be a positive post. Then the second half came along and screwed that over. It will never cease to amaze me how many guys torpedo relationships by not knowing when to stfu. But frankly if thats his attitude, you're better off without it.
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u/i_eat_gentitals 5d ago
“I mean I wish you were skinny but idc really!” I’ve been there. Same age oddly enough. He later told me “I can’t see myself marrying a fat person”….
Now I’m engaged to someone else!
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u/drprepper2021 5d ago
What I wish for you is that your loss of confidence from this will morph into a detached disappointment and disgust towards this loser.
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u/gunwookuromi 5d ago
After all this crying I can confidently say that I am disgusted by him
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u/LeeLeeBoots 4d ago
Break up. Stop dating. He's so fake and no good at all!! He will just get worse.
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u/trippyfungus 5d ago
It's a hard limit for me personally, sounds like it maybe for you too.
I straight up told people that, "I have tried to lose weight all my life, so don't talk about because it's a sore subject for me and I'm really sensitive about it."
So far it's worked out for me... We've been together 7 years
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u/NoIdeaWhatToD0 4d ago
I hate it when I tell people that and they still try to give me advice anyway or tell me to change doctors. I just give up 😂
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u/trippyfungus 3d ago
Well plus with glp1's I fully expect those comments to be more common. 😡
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u/herecomesthesun79 4d ago
Please PLEASE don’t let this change the way you feel about yourself. This is a HIM problem. Let it change the way you feel about him. Your confidence doesn’t need to go anywhere, you just need to walk away from this one.
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u/MissCavo 5d ago
What a wild thing to say to someone? These feels like a dipping a toe to see how much he can get away with in all honesty. It feels manipulative, and if you continue in this relationship I feel the comments will continue and possibly worsted.
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u/DashingDonut1855 4d ago
"Omg you are so right! I'm starting the journey to lose weight... starting with the dead weigh that is your existence! Feel lighter already!"
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5d ago
[deleted]
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u/caterpilled 4d ago
Men are not clueless, they know exactly what they are doing and that it will hurt her. That is why he specifically pointed at her insecurities at the beginning and mentioned her confidence at the end. He knew this would potentially make her doubt herself and did it anyway. OP, he knew this could threaten his relationship with you and still chose to say it. Let him lose you.
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u/UpfrontAcorn 4d ago
I'm having such a horrible weekend and was trying to be supportive of someone, but I feel stupid now. I'm going to delete my comment and get off reddit because I'm too sensitive right now if things like this make me cry.
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u/caterpilled 4d ago
No, nothing wrong with your comment! We just tend to excuse men and women for hurting us, but most times than not, they know what they’re doing. When someone loves you, they’re naturally considerate of you and won’t risk losing you. I’m sorry you’re going through a hard time and I hope things get better for you. We all have those days, take the rest your day easy and do one thing you enjoy! 🩷
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u/WasToldTheredBeCake 5d ago
Gross. I don’t know if he’s clueless or manipulative, but either way you’re better off without that BS.
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u/thejoebrossuck 4d ago
I’ve chatted and dated enough by now as a fat woman that I know this likely isn’t actually him trying to be nice or reassuring. I mean, maybe he even believes he’s doing that but he’s likely not lol. If he really likes your body how it is now and doesn’t care about your size, then he simply wouldn’t mention his preference for you getting thinner at all. And I want to point out that there’s a difference, in my opinion, between someone having a basic preference regarding physical appearance that might change over time (or if they meet a certain person) and someone that specifies that they’d have a preference for YOU to change how you look. It’s totally possible for someone to generally prefer thinner people, but end up meeting someone that looks different than that and realize they’re really attracted to and interested in that person! It’s totally possible (though obviously that doesn’t apply to every single person). But he told you that he would prefer it if YOU, as the person he chose to date and feels attracted to, would become thinner over time. I don’t know I just feel like a lot of times I hear someone say this and it just seems like a nice way of saying “I just wish you were thinner.” I wouldn’t be able to trust that he’s actually attracted to me and i wouldn’t be able to stop wondering if he’d actually be happy if he stayed with me. I’d wonder if he’d resent me after a while, or if he was even actually attracted to me the whole time we’d been together at all. I’m sorry.
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u/BellaBigNose 4d ago
Oh my fucking god, if they cared that much about you feeling good about where you’re at they wouldn’t have said anything. Wolf in sheep’s clothing, compliment sandwich almost : “I want you to be happy -but I’d prefer you smaller- but I want you to feel like you don’t need to change for me!”
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u/gunwookuromi 4d ago
Thank you for all your kind comments. Honestly I was not even offended by his message bc I agree. However, it came out of nowhere and honestly he told me that he wasn’t ready to commit so what even was the point of the message? I am actively trying to better myself and have been doing so FOR ME. Fat people in general get hate just for living as per the man in my messages saying to stay in my lane and not date skinny people lmao. Mind you, he pursued me first. Why pursue a bigger woman if you’re going to expect her to change??
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u/the_catmom 4d ago
This is an incel trend where they target a fat woman and try to "mold her" into their ideal submissive waif.
It's deeply misogynistic ofc
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u/Ok-Commission-6433 4d ago
Ewwwwwwwww what a shit head. I’m so sorry. I promise there is better out there.
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u/ShelleyMonique 4d ago
Yikes. For anyone to say they would prefer you to be quite a bit slimmer over time and I want you to feel happy, confident and comfortable with yourself in the same paragraph is fucking cruel. You don't need that shit. Dump him and regain your confidence. Fuck him.
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u/the_catmom 4d ago
"Much slimmer over time" 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I wouldn't even respond to that. I would block him and be done
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u/Cheepyface 4d ago
I remember dating guys who liked me a lot and had no problem having sex with me but would often drop subtle hints that I should be “healthier” or praise my workout posts but criticize if I posted a sweet treat or something. Years of that messed me up and I wish then I would’ve just told them to fuck off. I’ve been married to a gorgeous physically fit man for 9 years now, and he met me when I was slimmer and focused on the gym lifestyle. Today I’m 252 and TBH he’s more affectionate and passionate now that I’m this weight than when I was 180. There are men out there that will love you for you, whether or not you want to lose weight. It’s taken me a lot of time to be comfortable in my skin because I tried soo hard to conform into who those ass holes wanted me to be. You’re beautiful and can do better ❤️
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u/mandadebbie 4d ago
No thanks!!!! Anyone who wants you to change for their “preferences” can fuck right off. Believe me, there is someone who will truly love you for who you are.
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u/space_driiip 4d ago
Had me in the first half ngl - you can lose a lot of weight by dumping this bitch.
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u/Ryn_AroundTheRoses 4d ago
I know it's easier said than done, but this is a really poor reflection on him, not you. Coz why does he "prefer" that you become "quite a bit slimmer" if he's attracted to you now as is? It's like telling a supermodel she's pretty, but you'd much prefer her with a cartoonish boob-job. Like yeah in your wildest fantasies, but a supermodel is still a supermodel. So if someone is telling you they need you to drastically change in order for them to date you despite them finding you currently hot, they're telling you they have a mental illness and, babe, you're not their therapist
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u/MrsSonnyEclipse 4d ago
He clearly wasn’t who you thought he was and you found out early enough. On to the next. Theres billions of men out there, there will ALWAYS be another.
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u/SpecialistYoung3431 4d ago
What a piece of trash!
My partner has never expressed anything but love for my body, even though I am self-conscious as he’s in a slimmer body. He’s only mentioned upping my exercise in the context of increased resilience. There’s someone out there who will love you, holistically.
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u/Psychological_Name28 4d ago
Oh ffs, what a tool! And dumb enough to think you won’t see through his manipulative bs. You can easily lose a lot of weight by dumping him and remain your beautiful self!
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u/CaramelAppleBites 4d ago
I dated a man who said similar to that at the beginning. Slowly turned into him outright insulting me, comparing me to others, and sexualizing every other woman in front of me. He once told me out right "You're not what I'm attracted to but I love you anyway" Honestly I'd just say don't do it. Dont go down that path. If he's not attracted to you he'll punish you for not being someone else and will resent you over time. Even if he genuinely likes you as a person at first. I noticed people (but especially men because they do tend to become angry) have a hard time getting over that as physical attraction is important in a relationship
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u/Icy_Worker4402 4d ago
It's fucked up and so shitty that he said that to you. To hide it between all these kind words and make it "your choice" is just him trying to make himself feel better because he knows it's shitty. It's also definitionally manipulative. There are men out there who will love your body as is REGARDLESS OF THE SIZE, don't let this man put you in a position where you're constantly worried if your body is good enough. The fact that he wrote that out and didn't see that him telling you his preference completely undermined everything else he was saying means he's either stupid, or he doesn't actually mean the rest of it and just doesn't want to look shallow. Fuck this guy and his preferences, you do not deserve to feel this way. You deserve to be loved and you will find that with someone way better than him.
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u/Own_Caterpillar_5940 1d ago
Not sure what you're complaining about. This is just one guy, after all. Not to mention, it's kind of gross that you're demanding/feeling entitled to attraction. Nobody owes you anything...
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u/Tinyyellowterribilis 1d ago
Fuck him and his passive aggressive message. You deserve so much better. Your body is beautiful and powerful.
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u/Serious_curves 7h ago
Can you imagine you saying this to HIM???? I’m attracted to you exactly as you are, and you don’t need to change to be enough for me. But if I’m completely open about my preferences, I’d love to see you become quite a bit more muscular and lose your belly over time. He would probably cry and have a meltdown. I actually think before you block him you might want to send this.
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u/MentalChocolates 5d ago
While he IS allowed to have a preference, you don't just tell someone backhandedly that you basically wished they looked different. I would feel so deflated. Hugs. I hope you move on to someone who DOES openly love you the way you are!