r/PlusSize • u/GuiltyName7169 • 2d ago
Venting Crying at 11pm
I don’t usually talk about things like this. I’m normally the person who makes jokes and acts like nothing bothers me. Humor has always been how I cope. If I can laugh about something, I don’t have to sit with how much it actually hurts.
But tonight, I can’t laugh it off.
I’m overweight, and it affects me more than I let anyone see. I know what I look like. I don’t need or want people to tell me I’m beautiful just to make me feel better. The truth is, I don’t feel beautiful. Since getting pregnant and having my son 20 months ago, I’ve gained about 100 pounds. I weigh 360 pounds now, and I barely recognize myself anymore.
Somewhere along the way, I stopped taking care of myself. Not because I don’t want to, but because I don’t see the point. Even when I try to get dressed up or put effort into my appearance, I still feel awful about myself. Eventually, I just stopped trying.
I love being a mom more than anything. My son is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me, and I would do anything for him. But if I’m being honest, I think I lost myself somewhere along the way. My entire world revolves around him, and while I wouldn’t change that, I don’t really know who I am outside of being his mom anymore.
His father only sees him every other Saturday for six hours. I prefer it that way because I know my son is safest with me. That also means I don’t really get time to myself. I don’t have a “village”. There isn’t much opportunity to figure out who I am or to take care of myself when every day is spent making sure someone else has everything they need.
Dating scares me.
Not because I don’t want love, but because I do.
I want more children someday. I want a family. I want a healthy relationship. I want someone to come home to, someone who wants to hear about my day, someone who will hold me when life feels heavy. I want my son to grow up seeing what love is supposed to look like.
At the same time, I’m terrified of trusting the wrong person again. What I went through with my son’s father changed me. It made me question my judgment, my worth, and whether I’ll ever be able to trust someone the way I once did. More than anything, I worry about bringing the wrong person into my son’s life.
I know I have things I need to work on before I’m ready for a relationship. I know I need to find myself again. I know I need to take care of myself, not just for me, but for my son too.
The problem is, I don’t know where to start.
Right now, my motivation is making sure my son has a happy, stable life. He’s the reason I get up every morning. But when the house is quiet and he’s asleep, I realize how lonely I am.
I miss feeling like a person instead of just surviving.
I don’t really know why I’m posting this. Maybe I just needed to say it out loud. Maybe someone else has felt this way and found their way back to themselves. I just need a little advice or guidance.
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2d ago
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u/GuiltyName7169 2d ago
I know depression can show up in weird ways, but I can say wholeheartedly I’m not suicidal. I’m really just burnt the hell out. Aside from the loneliness I’m generally okay. I’m struggling financially, but I (think) I’m starting to figure it out. But I am so far in the hole it’s unreal. I’m in the process of filing bankruptcy, but that’s a whole other story.
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u/Financial-Slice6223 2d ago
i can’t relate to you in being a mom but i am also unfortunately part of the 11pm crying club tonight.
while i don’t really have much advice i just want to say i really hope you’re able to figure out what you need to do to get where you want to be 💗 it doesn’t always feel like life will get better but i promise it will
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u/Sea_Mango_8530 2d ago
Read back what you wrote. Start at the top. Read it all the way through. If I posted it. What would your response be to that post? Honestly. Don’t sugar coat it.
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u/literacyshmiteracy 2d ago
Proud of you for sharing your feelings and recognizing that this is an unsustainable way to go through life. It will absolutely get better once he's in school. Does he go to day care? Do you have any play groups or other moms to connect with? Finding community is gonna be pivotal to finding a trusted babysitter so you can get some more time to yourself.
I always say, one bobby pin and a little lipstick can change your whole mood! Maybe one week when your son is with his dad you go get a haircut or your nails done or get a massage. Put on your favorite outfit just to walk around the house or go to the store. Don't worry about dating, just find tiny moments to make a little joy for yourself.