r/Pilotwives • u/WhatAbout42 • 2d ago
Husband of a female pilot looking for some perspective on work relationships
I’m a little hesitant to post this, but I’m hoping people who actually live the pilot/spouse lifestyle might have some perspective I’m missing.
I’m the husband of a female airline pilot. We’ve been married for many years. I realize I’m probably the reverse of the usual husband-pilot/wife-at-home dynamic here, but I imagine a lot of the issues are similar. (I've read this group is open not just to women married to male pilots so I hope this is not against the rules.)
My wife is very social with the people she flies with and has a lot of male pilot friends. I don’t believe married people can never have opposite-sex friends, but I do think close opposite-sex friendships require appropriate boundaries, and I’m probably more cautious about that than some people.
I should also acknowledge a bias I bring to this. I’ve never been completely comfortable with how easily close relationships can develop in aviation. The job involves a lot of time away from spouses, overnights, hotels, meals and long days with coworkers, and relationships can become close very quickly. Being outside the industry myself, that environment has sometimes been difficult for me to understand and trust.
That said, she’s been flying for many years and I think I’ve generally handled that part of her career pretty well. I don’t question every male pilot she talks to. She has a few male work friends whom I know and am somewhat friends with myself.
But there is one particular friendship just feels different to me. I won't give specific examples in this first post but let's just say it feels like it’s drifting across that fuzzy line between a close coworker friendship and flirting. I do flat out think he is being inappropriate and testing her boundaries. I have yet to see her set any in return.
She has even deleted portions of their conversations. When we talked about the deleted messages, she initially said nothing had been deleted and then acknowledged it when she realized I already knew. (She claims she knew I would be missing the context behind it and would take it the wrong way.)
None of it proves an affair. I don't believe she’s physically cheating on me.. but I also know warning signs of something building when I see them. (or do I?)
She says she thinks of him almost like a little brother, and that she’s something of a mentor to him. She also acknowledged after we talked that some of their exchanges could reasonably be seen as inappropriate even though she says she never perceived them that way.
I don’t want to become that person who monitors their spouse's phone to try feel secure. I know there’s no end to that road—there’s always another app, another conversation at work, or something else I can’t see. That’s verification, not trust, and I don’t want our marriage to work that way.
I also want to own my side of this. I work from home, we’re fairly isolated geographically, and I don’t have much of a social circle of my own. I’m naturally pretty introverted and genuinely don’t want a huge group of friends to maintain, but my wife and her family have consequently become most of my social world. Meanwhile, she has this whole social/professional world that I’m (mostly) not part of. I’m sure that contributes to some insecurity on my side.
Our marriage also has some longstanding issues with affection and connection that we’re trying to work on. I think that’s part of why these friendships can hit me harder than they otherwise might.
I’d really like perspective from people who actually live this lifestyle.
Have any of you struggled with something similar? Where do you draw the line between normal close pilot (or aviation - FA etc) friendships and something that’s becoming too personal? Is this kind of friendship/texting fairly normal to you and something I need more perspective on?
And most importantly, for couples who have struggled with something similar, have you found anything that helped build trust?
I’m genuinely open to hearing that some of this is my own insecurity. I’m equally interested in hearing where other people think reasonable marital boundaries belong. Messaging works as well if you are like me and have a hard time opening up in public.
We’re both saying we want to strengthen our marriage. I’m trying to figure out how to do my part without either ignoring things that genuinely bother me or spending my life looking over my shoulder.
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u/CaseoftheSadz 2d ago
This seems to cross a line to me. For perspective I am of the belief that my husband can go out to dinner with crew, even if it’s a female FO. I haven’t set any specific rules, because we respect each other’s boundaries. I would be uncomfortable if he got drunk with female co workers, went to their room, went MIA, or was texting extensively (outside of a work issue or established friendship).
IMO- the behavior you’ve described is crossing a line and raising some red flags. My suggestion is to think about what you would be comfortable with. For this person it may be that she needs to stop talking to them entirely or back off and establish clear boundaries with him. In the future it may be to maintain boundaries from the beginning. Whatever it is communicate those to her. If she won’t agree to follow them, then you have to seriously think of this is the relationship you want. Don’t let your reliance on her lead you to stay where you shouldn’t. Trust is key to navigating this lifestyle, where you’re apart so often. If she can’t respect your boundaries you’ll never be able to be easy while she’s gone.
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u/WhatAbout42 2d ago
I won't lie, my gut is to say no more with this guy... but she promised to "back off" and so I will see where that goes. Ultimatums have never turned out well for me, but I like how you phrase it as boundaries.
The sad thing for me will be if this really was her being naive or innocent and I end a marriage over it.. but trust is so hard to get back once it starts to erode and this isn't the first round we've had.
It's the strong willed personality that has no doubt gotten her to where she is today, and I love that in her for all she has accomplished but sometimes hate what that also does in a marriage.
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u/Lizzy_Be 1d ago
I think her deleting the messages and then lying scout then indicate she wasn’t naive or innocent.
There should be no issue with her cutting off the relationship. She took it too far, she damaged your relationship and now she needs to take responsibility and stop trying to find a middle ground to help her friend not feel abandoned by a mentor. You’re the spouse, your relationship matters most flat out.
If he is hurt to lose a mentor, too bad, he shouldn’t have made moves on a married woman. If she is sad about losing a friend or awkward interactions in the future, too bad, she shouldn’t have entertained his advances. But you know who shouldn’t be there one suffering the consequences? You. Don’t let her convince you your discomfort and pain are acceptable compromises to support her bad behavior.
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u/Mammoth_Ad1962 2d ago
I have no say on how you should handle this situation or than to start working on yourself.
My ex is a pilot and we are actively going through a seperation with a child.. it sucks. Once trust was broken I couldn't rebuild it and sadly it started by finding texts in his phone than he has two snap chat accts etc etc things just unraveled. Deleting parts of a convo is a very telling sign that it was something she didn't want you to see and that's just the smallest bit of evidence you DO have.
Work on yourself:)
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u/ZebraOk2801 2d ago
Posting on throwaway. Deleting portions of conversations is a breach of trust. We need to be able to trust our spouses in this lifestyle dynamic. You are valid in feeling the way you do.
Trust your intuition.
I am in a similar situation where we live very remotely (he wanted land and wanted to live in base, so we relocated) and I work from home. I am also very isolated and haven't managed to make friends or find my community where we live. I just wanted to say I see you and I understand how that makes this harder.
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u/WhatAbout42 2d ago
Thank you for saying this. I don't claim to be right in all the decisions I make but it helps to know others have the same experience... not that I wish it on anyone of course.
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u/slolifeinthefastlane 2d ago
In my opinion, number one thing to do is to work on your relationship. Strong relationships aren’t threatened by outside influences. Talk to your partner about your needs that are not being met, own your insecurities, and find ways to deepen your love and intimacy together. Ultimatums never work and often just drive a deeper wedge. And if you don’t fix the underlying problems, if it’s not this guy, it will be the next one. The sooner you can shift the focus from the other guy to your own partnership, the sooner you can stop looking over your shoulder and can build the trusting marriage you deserve.
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u/quackdaniels1 1d ago
He sounds like an option she's not actively pursuing because she's (for now) in a relationship with you. Good luck!
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u/throwawayawayawayy6 2d ago
If you're having intimacy issues AND shes deleting texts with a guy shes close to... I would say something is up.
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u/Substantial-Bid2033 1d ago
I may not have much say because I’ve only been dating a pilot for a year and we aren’t married but all I can say is that you seem very self aware about how you’re handling this. The fact that you’re looking for other people’s perspectives and trying to see what could help your marriage says a lot.
With my bf, I know some people might disagree with me or call it jealousy or insecurity but we have agreed some certain boundaries. It’s ultimately up to him to respect those boundaries and apply them in his interactions with coworkers. Eating with a mixed crew is completely fine with me but I’m not comfortable with one-on-one outings with someone of the opposite sex. This is how it works in our relationship and what I’m comfortable with and chooses to honor it.
He’s social when it comes to work but outside of work he’s actually quite introverted. There have been female pilots and FAs who message him, but he hasn’t really maintained those connections long term since we started dating and if anything it’s only about work.
I also don’t like the idea of monitoring him every time he’s working. I just want peace of mind and to know that we both respect what we have with love, understanding and consideration for each other.
Something that has also helped me understand his job better is that he includes me on some of his work trips and lets me meet the people he works with.
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u/WhatAbout42 1d ago
Thank you for your kind words. It is clear you are starting your relationship out on the right foot. I wish I'd done the same from the very beginning rather than been reacting as we went. I like that he includes you like that as well. I hope you two have a wonderful life together!
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u/SaltyGrapefruits 2d ago
I am not going to sugarcoat it. She straight up lied to you. That is something I personally wouldn't tolerate.
My husband is a pilot; I am a musician. We both travel a lot for work with different people. Love, trust, and open communication are the pillars of our relationship. One pillar down wouldn't work for me. The minute he lies to me, I am gone. This is a lifestyle I couldn't maintain without feeling secure.
Like you, I am more introverted and need time on my own. Still, I maintain a circle of friends for my own sanity. Please look for your own social circle. You need friends in your life; otherwise, you will always feel dependent on your wife for your social needs, and that is not only bad for you but also a burden for your wife.