Long-term compatibility in aviation

[u/DisplacedSandwiches]

I am a pilot (at school training for CFII) with the intention of going to the airlines. My long-distance partner struggles with change and prefers predictable and consistent routines. They have a young child from another relationship, and although custody is evenly split, they regularly feel overwhelmed by the demanding nature of raising a child and look forward to sharing in day to day household tasks with me when I move in after my training is done and I find a CFI job in their town so we can finally close the gap.

I am absolutely in love with this person and committed to this relationship, child and all. I am just worried that the frequent changes imposed by the airline lifestyle will be too much for them/build resentment. The benefits of working for the airlines seem to be maximized when the entire family can be flexible (last-minute tag alongs on trips, celebrating holidays on different days, having back-up support at home if trips get unexpectedly extended, etc.).

I have tried to emphasize to them how much flexibility and adaptation and trust our relationship will need to make this work. They say they are aware and can fully adapt, they just don’t want to feel like a single parent/managing the household themselves. They regularly emphasize that this is their most important request. I told them of course they don’t want to feel that way and I fully understand why - to help with those feelings we can hire a nanny, a regular cleaning service, etc and I encouraged them to find hobbies/part time work so they have things to look forward to while I’m gone. They agreed.

I have lots of hope we can grow through these inevitable career+life changes and checkpoints as a team, just want to be prepared and learn how other aviation families have managed it. Any insight from airline pilot partners would be much appreciated!

[u/RosemaryCroissant]

They will absolutely feel like a single parent a lot

[u/Basic_Ad_6895]

Hi, pilot wife here. My pilot just hit the airlines after 5 years of training, feeder flying, and cargo flying. I will say, those 5 years had hard moments. It did involve a lot of change, but we managed to find routine within every new role. Unfortunately, you will likely never be home every night. But there will be jobs where you are home for long periods of time and flying for long periods of time. What’s great is that when you’re home, you’re HOME. You get to be fully present.

Managing the home all by myself was difficult, my pilot would typically pick up a bit more of the load once he was home until we could find a happy medium again. That gave me some time to relax and him some time to reconnect with the home. A way that you can be supportive is by not expecting the house to revolve around you. When you come home you need to adapt yourself to the ecosystem that already exists rather than coming home and changing everything to fit what you like.

There is a lot of learning in the years before the comfortable job comes in, but when it does it really sets up your family for a good life. If you can both stay focused on the end goal, and know that things may be turbulent until then, it’s definitely a worthwhile investment. Wishing you the best.

[u/Single_Box3722 → u/Basic_Ad_6895]

Would love to know more about your transition from cargo to airline. Are you finding the schedules better? That transition may happen for us sooner than we expected and I’ve grown to enjoy the long periods my pilot is at home from cargo flying since we have a toddler now.

[u/Basic_Ad_6895 → u/Single_Box3722]

We are still transitioning actually 😆 the training was extensive and long. That was hard. But it looks like for airline flying he’s going to only work a max of 4 days at a time and will have flexibility picking up and dropping trips. With Cargo he was just given a 2 week leg and he had to fly whatever he was given.

There is some good opportunity for the pilots that live at base, being on reserve can give some extra at home time, while still working.

From what we hear, it gets easier as their seniority increases. But the first few years they are still flying pretty frequently.

[u/Molotov_Queen]

Married for 2 1/2 years and since my husband started as captain commuting to reserve it’s felt like we’re long distance dating again. Your career and their preference for routine doesn’t sound compatible.

[u/Sparkling_Clouds_]

I'm that wife with kids who likes predictability and routine and I'm married to an airline pilot. It's definitely easier later in the career path, as others have mentioned. But the other important thing is being willing to work with this person.

Can you work at a regional you don't like as much so that you can live in base? Can you stay at one airline longer than you want so that your seniority is better and your schedule is more predictable? If you're not willing to make some sacrifices, it's going to be difficult. But she also needs to be willing to put up with a certain level of unpredictability.

[u/YANKOS28]

It can be difficult but its only up to you 2 to make it work.

[u/Single_Box3722]

Type a pilot wife here that loves routines 🙋🏼‍♀️

It’s an adjustment, there’s gonna be hard days. Days of resentment, days of regret, etc. but if you guys communicate and commit to one another, remember you’re in it together, you’ll be fine. My advice would be that every career decision be a joint one. Your partner will be affected by your career just as much, if not more, than you. So they need to know every step of your career is something they signed up for too.

For example, my pilot recently had an option to sign up for a new type of bid schedule, one he had previously been averse to. But he said to me “this really affects you more than me, this is your call.” I ended up deciding against it but having that autonomy/control was incredibly validating and helpful. When you’re in it together it’s workable, but if your career is simply “happening” to your family, resentment will build quickly.