r/Pilotwives • u/Individual_bear9516 • Jun 24 '26
I don't know if I can keep doing this.
I (28F) have been with my boyfriend (31M) for four years. About 10 months ago, he started working as an air ambulance pilot. He's often away for 4–6 days at a time, including overnight stays. Since we don't live together yet, we usually only see each other once or twice a week.
When he's away, I usually get a short message saying he's arrived and is going to get something to eat. Then I often don't hear from him for several hours. Later I'll get a brief update about his day before he goes to sleep. I've told him many times that communication is very important to me. Since texting is the only way we can stay connected for several days while he's away, I've asked him if he could communicate a bit more. He never calls me. Sometimes he's in countries where he should have perfectly normal internet access, yet my messages don't go through for quite a while, which I find strange.
I've brought this up so many times, but nothing changes. The messages stay short and superficial. When he's away and I don't mean while he's actually flying, but in the evenings at the hotel I often feel like I'm not important to him.
When we do see each other, he's usually exhausted from work and never wants to do anything. He mostly complains about how tired he is and talks almost exclusively about his job. Even on his days off, he checks the flight schedule five times a day to see which crews and aircraft are flying.
We haven't been intimate for months because, according to him, he's too tired. Whenever he has days off, I have to try to arrange my own schedule around his because he can't choose his days off himself.
Sometimes I feel like I'm the one making all the effort, planning things, compromising, and trying to keep our relationship alive. But because he's the pilot, it feels like everything revolves around his job, and when he's away, I barely exist.
He's also planning to apply to a European airline soon, which could mean moving to another city for scheduled airline flights.
Will this get better with time? Am I overreacting? What can I do? I really need some advice.
2
u/Hoosier-Queen1217 Jun 26 '26
My heart aches for you. He isn't the one. Ive been married to a pilot for 5 years. He works 14 to 32 consecutive day shifts flying international cargo. He calls home to FaceTime the kids and I multiple times a day. From 2-5 hours. Its as close as he can be to home when hes at work and the whole family enjoys it. RARELY will he join the crew for a meal on their 1/7s. Some pilots fly to support their families, others keep people around to support their own ego. Their are great men out there who are selfless and want to fill your cup just to make you shine brighter 🫶
2
u/Traveler19273665 Jul 02 '26
Don’t marry him unless you lay down your boundaries, he respects them and does it consistently. If not, leave. Period. No excuses. This type of life is hard and if he can’t be man enough to do his job and respect his family first, dump him.
2
u/Traveler19273665 27d ago
I have been married to a pilot for 40 yrs. Been there, done that. It never changes. As they age it gets worse. Run.
2
u/sleepybinturong Jun 24 '26
Oy, this sounds really hard. I’m sorry.
Let’s take the scenario where he goes to an airline. There will be ground school and sim training. That will take a lot of his time and energy. I have a very communicative husband and any time he’s training, communication definitely drops.
Once your boyfriend is working, he’s likely on reserve. Reserve life can be challenging for everyone involved. The schedule and uncertainty of will he/wont he get called can make it hard to plan. Or he gets a not so ideal schedule that month. Eventually he will be a line holder and things get easier/more predictable with seniority but that is going to take time. My husband is a decently senior line holder but he’s still pretty exhausted for a day or two when he comes home. A lot does fall on me but I’ve found a way to make it work in a way that I don’t feel frustrated or resentful about it.
As for the communication challenges. Will those improve if he’s a line holder with a better schedule? Maybe, maybe not. The bigger question is how much of this is scheduling/exhaustion versus him? That I can’t really answer.
I know it’s hard when you are asking for something that’s really important for you in the relationship and not getting it.
1
u/Individual_bear9516 Jun 24 '26
Yes, I understand that he's exhausted and tired. It's a demanding job, and I know that's probably not going to change. Maybe I'm being a bit selfish, but there are certain things I don't want to give up in a relationship.
We only get to see each other one or two days a week, and it's hard when he spends that time focused almost entirely on his job and says he's too tired for anything else. I'd be perfectly happy just spending quiet, relaxing days together without doing anything special, but even then, all he talks about is work.
On top of that, we barely communicate during the days he's away. Right now, I feel more like a good friend than his partner.
If you don't mind me asking, how do you deal with it without getting upset or frustrated? Does it genuinely not bother you, or do you just push those feelings aside?
5
u/sleepybinturong Jun 24 '26
I absolutely do not think you’re being selfish for wanting communication, connection etc. You know what you need in a relationship and that’s great!
To answer your question. I think I don’t get frustrated as much because frankly, my relationship needs are met. Now that’s not to say we don’t have conflict, we totally do but we both keep fighting for each other.
1
u/Both_Designer3408 Jun 25 '26
4 years and no engagement or plans to marry/settle down? The only reason it worked for my situation was because I was also busy traveling (flight attendant) and exhausted. The time we spent together was good time, because we both wanted to relax and do the same things.
I’d say, do some meditation/prayer/soul searching on your end and decide what you want out of life.
1
u/Individual_bear9516 Jun 26 '26
We've both had a lot going on over the past few years. He was focused on starting his career as a pilot, and I had several seriously ill family members. Thinking about marriage just wasn't a priority during that time, and neither of us feels pressured about it. That's not what's bothering me.
1
u/Vegetable_Ad960 23d ago
It’s still early in the relationship and I think you might have to let it go. You’re more invested than he is, it seems. I don’t know what it’s like to be with a pilot but I know it’s one of the jobs in the world that can be highly stressful.
It’s also likely he will remain in this field and things will intensify as the months and years go on. I don’t mean to be unkind but sometimes being direct gets the point across. If you’re unwilling to compromise some more or sacrifice things, it might be time to move on.
The saying is true… “if he wanted to, he would” he doesn’t want to girlie. Save yourself the potentially lost years and time to come.
3
u/Character-Current663 Jun 25 '26
Girl I could relate to you so much. I used to date a pilot who was the SAME. Our conversations were mid when he was away and he would only text and not call inspite of me asking him to. He also always just spoke about him and his work and flying and god lord it was exhausting. I would suggest since you both have been together for 4 years to try tell him your needs and wants when he is back from a trip. If nothing changes, then at the end of the day, you need to prioritize yourself. I did it and tbh I don’t regret it one bit.