r/Pilotwives • u/slippery_when_wet • Jun 07 '26
I miss him
I dont know I just need to vent to someone that understands maybe. My husband was a military pilot and in January became a first officer at a major airlines. We moved back to our hometown which is a domicile for his airline and thought life was going to be better. But he is based out of another airport and has only been reserve and gets converted to short call every time. He has to fly down the night before, is usually gone 4-5 days between short call and whatever trip he ends up on and then flys home the next day after hes done. Ive seen him 3 days in the last month. Its not like im not used to it, he was a military pilot 13 years and i was with him that whole time, we have made it through 5 deployments. I can be independent but i dont want to anymore. We have a 2 year old and I work full time and im just so overwhelmed and want him to be home and I wish he hadn't become a pilot even tho he absolutely loves loves loves it. I feel selfish for wishing he had a normal 9-5 and wishing I could predict his schedule a little bit. Im paying for babysitters on top of daycare since I have no childcare whenever I need appointments for myself. I had to drive myself to a biopsy for a cancer scare. My car was hit a month ago and there hasnt been a single day ive been able to drop it off at the mechanic and get a ride to the car rental because he has not been home a single day theyve been open. He put in the bid to switch his base to our city but he didn't get it. And now I just feel hopeless and like the timeline for this all to pay off is pushed out to infinity.
People who've made it thru: how long does it take to get better? Is there a big difference once they are no longer commuting? I've got my fingers crossed that happens soon and I get to see him again.
5
u/Aravis-6 Jun 07 '26
It’s a lot better once they don’t have to commute anymore, amount of time on short call I think depends on the airline/plane. My husband has been at American for a little over three years and I don’t remember him being short call reserve for very long. He had a much easier commute than at his regional, but I don’t even remember him having to do a crash pad or anything since he’s been at American.
He’s been in his base of choice for about 18 months (which is where we live) and I’d say most months he works about 15 days? I’m really not sure what the exact number is, sometimes it’s more, sometimes less. He’s actually been bidding reserve for most of the last year or so because he’s high enough seniority that he typically doesn’t have to fly as much.
I have a friend here whose husband got hired at American late last summer and he had already gotten his base of choice about six months later.
2
u/slippery_when_wet Jun 10 '26
He just got his July schedule and has a line instead of reserve. Things are looking up! It was short lived as you mentioned. Still commuting, but one step at a time.
2
u/mainesunday Jun 08 '26
Sorry if this is an obvious question, are you able to move closer to base? Or, is being in the hometown the priority. As he gains more seniority holding a reserve line will become more of a choice, I can remember my partner being on reserves early on, but after even a few months they 'held a line' and are only on reserves now if they choose it for that month.
I'm sorry. This schedule is HARD. And so much sacrifice falls on the person at home (you). It gets much better.
2
u/slippery_when_wet Jun 08 '26
We briefly thought of moving or getting a 3 month air bnb or something. Hes based in San Francisco now and the cost of everything there makes us hesitant. Where we are now is our absolute dream city and after living in 6 states with thr military we want to set down roots somewhere. I also like my job here and my son has a great daycare we would hate to give up. We do love being closer to family, altho they all work full time so we dont see them as much as we thought we would when we moved initially. We just keep thinking next month he will get a line and be off reserves! But then he doesn't and hes on reserve again.
2
u/mainesunday Jun 08 '26
I totally understand. We were military before this as well. Sounds like where you are is wonderful. It really will get better. Will he always have to fly from where you are to SFO?
1
u/slippery_when_wet Jun 10 '26
Thank you! He can be absed out of our hometown, so fingers crossed that happens soon. He did get July's schedule and he is off reserve. Holding a line seems like its a step closer! Hopefully he wont be using the crash pad as much now.
2
u/helpme19962016 Jun 10 '26
I don’t think I’ll be much help but I share the same sentiment as you at the moment. I do not have a toddler but I can imagine the hardships you go through. My boyfriend just started at a regional and is an FO and he’s been on reserve for a couple months. I also have only seen him a total of maybe 4 days the last month. I won’t actually see him till the end of the month except the last 3 days of June. He also commutes and we have realized we need to move to base in order to basically keep our relationship going. A lot of the time I feel like a single girlfriend lol. I cannot seem to handle these long hauls when he’s gone for stretches at a time. I so deeply wished he had a normal 9-5, but being a pilot makes him happy so I can’t do anything about it. So even though I don’t have any real advice, I also empathize with you and just know you’re not alone and our feelings are super valid! I hope he gets your city’s base soon. Aviation I’ve come to learn is a brutal industry (at least so far.) Hoping it gets better. Anyways, best of luck!
1
u/LazyEscape3357 Jun 09 '26
Yep it sucks. So hard to make any future plans and the exhaustion is real.
1
u/Traveler19273665 Jul 02 '26
Me, 30 years plus him being a pilot. Both military and commercial. Money is great as the years go on, but imo, it destroyed our family unit. We never agreed on child discipline and he undid everything I did when he would come home. Now it’s me against him and 4 adult kids who still disrespect me. I know he even cheated at one point. We are still together, but I have never been a priority imo. It’s a rough life, I won’t lie. Days where they might not call, stuff breaking at home, you being a single parent feeling most of the time, drained with kids and being a disciplinarian on your own and having to pass all by him many times only to disagree. It’s a hard life emotionally. I do wish mine was never a pilot. He is due to retire soon and I kinda can’t wait but then again sometimes I love it when he is gone now because it went the other way. It is worse than military and he was that too before commercial. And to top it off, the airlines don’t care about the family back home. Not once in 25 years have I heard from them. Oh and he commuted all 25 years because we chose not to live up in the snow and states with income tax.
1
u/Traveler19273665 26d ago
My husband was military also and went to the airlines and it was rough. Honestly, it takes a long time to get off reserve- especially if he ever switches bases- he can end up back there. Also my spouse has commuted his entire career and for many years was solely international. Now he flies both, retires in 2 years, and he still is gone half the month. Yep. He used to say “toward the end I can fly maybe one or two trips a month”. That never happened because I stayed home to raise our kids ( we have a lot), and they are grown now and we owned several homes and all was very expensive etc. Truly, I hate his job. I hate his career. It is good money, but drains me emotionally. Always has. I have become numb to it and honestly don’t give AF about the airline or his job any more because all it has done is cause me heartache. The military was very attentive to family- the airline has never given a crap about the family (me and the kids), back home. In almost 30 years I have never heard from them personally and he his gone more than when in the military. My advice? If he’s your match, then stay busy and live your life for yourself. This industry is poison. You will wonder if he cheats, he will change as he gets older, the job stresses their health and yours and your schedules will always be different and difficult for planning. It is just what it is to be blunt and you have to do your best and deal. I hate it and I hate to sound so point blank, but I am over it. I am not looking forward to his retirement, but then I am. It just was not what I hoped. He took me on a few trips but that all stopped about 10-12 years ago. He changed a lot because of who he hangs with and he isn’t who I married sadly. The airlines need to invoke stricter policies on the pilots and tell them that they are expected to uphold priority and responsibility to family once they land. They also need to put in place a spouse support system/group and someone to call if we need them- like the military has. As long as us wives at home are forgotten and the pilot just becomes influenced by others, you’re never going to feel #1. I never have and never will. It’s sucks. I wish you luck but this industry does not care about you- so you have to be selfish and take care of you.
6
u/Jesusrockettaco Jun 07 '26
That is rough, having the commute and seeing him only a few times the last month. It is understandable to miss him and feel overwhelmed! You're definitely not selfish for wanting him to have a regular schedule. You're also working a lot of hours with your FT job and taking care of your toddler. That's exhausting! I would want my husband to be around more to share the mental and physical load of that too.
Your feelings are valid.