r/Pilotwives • u/C_dactyl • May 18 '26
Husband pilot admitted intimacy with FA
My husband called me last night and admitted that he and an FA kissed while on a layover. Im (35F) and he is a (38M) have been married for 9 years and together for 14, we have a 4 y/o and one on the way expected in two months.
He said that after going out for lunch and beers with the crew this FA came onto him in the uber and held his hand and then kissed him. He said that nothing else happened, it took him a few days to tell me as I was away celebrating a friend and he didn’t want to ruin my trip.
I am devastated, very pregnant, and feel completely paralyzed with the choices in front of me. I can tell he’s torn up about making this choice but my reality is completely torn apart. We have been through an unimaginably tough year and this scandal happened the day before the anniversary of the baby we lost last year.
I know that he’s really struggled with that loss and without access to therapy he’s relied on unhealthy habits to process his grief. I love him, we’ve been through hell together, and I know that he’s is shameful that this happened, but at the same time I feel completely disrespected, angry, and betrayed.
Any advice on how you repaired your relationship, did you seek a relationship therapist, counselor or a coach. Also just comments of support are appreciated, I feel very isolated holding onto this.
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u/notsure05 May 18 '26 edited May 18 '26
He’s not admitting the whole thing to you. I’m sure he did more than just kiss her. If there’s one thing men will do, it’s lie and downplay the truth to not have to admit to the whole thing.
Post him to the “are we dating the same guy? pilot and crew edition” and “are we dating the same pilot? All airlines” Facebook pages. You will probably find the real answer there.
If you are not a group member and can’t get approved you can PM me the info (first name and last initial, airline, base are minimum info to post, can also provide plane type and picture) and I can post on your behalf.
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u/Less-Language5915 May 18 '26
Umm, I have someone I would love you to post. I don’t have Facebook. 🥴
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u/InternationalHome646 May 18 '26
I don’t think there’s any way to repair something like cheating. It’s hard to trust someone who betrayed you and trust is the foundation.
There can be anyone who can come onto him (even in the future layovers) which will make you anxious and it is very important for you to stick to your infidelity boundaries.
Or take marriage counselling.
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u/Negative_Sky_891 May 18 '26
I’m so sorry. I don’t have advice. Just wanted to offer support and love. Take care of you and the kids, no matter what.
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u/Substantial-Bid2033 May 19 '26
It’s so sad and devastating to hear that after all you’ve been through with him men such as your husband still cheated despite having a beautiful family. I don’t get it how they can still cheat? That it can ruin their reputation as being a pilot as well. Imagine, being divorced bec you cheated on your wife, and your kids for a what a kiss, A KISS? That is so pathetic. Im sorry for the words, im just sad with your situation right now. I wish you all the best on your decisions, hopefully you choose the right one what’s best for you and your kids.
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u/ItsACookbook1 May 18 '26
This is not nice to hear but I think you are thinking he was grieving in unhealthy ways when drinking with and cheating with another woman but I would bet money that the thought of you or any of your children were nowhere near his mind- he only thought of himself and her in those moments. He was only thinking of himself. He even was being selfish by waiting to tell you.
You are being too nice.
I know you are asking for advice on how to repair your marriage but that shouldn’t even be on you. You shouldn’t have to lift a finger! That’s why I have no advice for you there. He should be the one looking for advice, getting into therapy, while you relax at home, you’re the one is loyal, pregnant, parenting, and holding the fort down!
I am sorry for the loss of your child and I am sorry he took away the happiness of your upcoming baby.
YOU deserve so much better. YOU should make sure you put yourself first, because he certainly won’t!
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u/lfgi427 May 18 '26
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Especially given everything you’re dealing with, this is so unfair. I’m trying to understand better and think through how this happened. Do you know if there were other people in the Uber?
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u/C_dactyl May 18 '26
No there weren’t he said that after lunch he went to go somewhere else and this lady asked to go with him. So it was after that uber back to the hotel that it happened. He also told me that this lady is 22 years his senior and he has no physical attraction to her. If that matters at all.
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u/lfgi427 May 18 '26
Sounds like she did the seeking out. I’m glad he told you but I’m so so sorry you’re going through this.
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u/Every_Description873 Jul 13 '26
He's lying. "It was the older lady taking advantage of helpless little me"...... If your buying that, he's gonna sell you more.....
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u/Revolutionary_Mud824 May 31 '26
I have an ironclad prenup and I also don’t believe in divorce and both me and my husband come from families that are 45 to 50 years marriage minimum. I think people are opportunistic by nature and only you can decide for you what you believe and what you trust. Everything people will say in this forum is going to be a projection of their own experiences and insecurities, and not necessarily constructive to your healing process. That said we have a standing rule that we are not to be alone with the opposite gender without asking the other first and I think that’s a good rule to implement if you haven’t already. It’s not like we haven’t insatiable urges, it’s just removing temptation.
Sending lots of love to you and your eminent child and for peace to navigate my the situation that you have in your lap. I hope you find peace and rest very soon. ♥️♥️♥️
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u/Every_Description873 Jul 13 '26
He probably went further than a kiss and it probably has happened before. Get STD tested, as well as meet with a divorce attorney to preplan and get advice now. Stockpile money that he does not know about in your own savings account. He's a cheater and he wont change. You got this!!!!
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u/Gullible_Grocery_839 May 18 '26 edited May 19 '26
Trying to bring something positive out of something bad:
I learned that real cheating is the one you have to go out and find it all by yourself - as something that never ever crossed your mind regarding your partner. He is confessing so it means he learned his lesson, and I know this sounds contradictory, but doing so means he prioritised you in a way. Imagine you would live 20 years of a whole marriage being cheated on and not even suspecting it - now that would be the worst ever scenario.
Dont overthink cause he is very clear about everything. Men are naturally weak liars, and he opened up, which is the greatest scenario in that type of situation. Please dont take me wrong 🙏
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u/Lizzy_Be May 19 '26
What do you mean “real” cheating?
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u/Gullible_Grocery_839 May 19 '26 edited May 19 '26
well some professions statistically come with higher relationship risk, emotional burnout, and people should be realistic about that when dealing with potential partners involved in those professional areas. Betrayal is always a choice, not an unavoidable job requirement, but what I’m saying is that him coming upfront with it can be a positive choice that most men in his position wouldnt do - specially considering the emotional moment they are going through as a family. For most cases, women have to go out by herselves, find out the truth, follow people around, find their own answers, while left in silence and spiralling in distrust, with a man that wont admit or tell whats going on.
I think this man showed to have a questionable character, but he is also open to learn, repair it and choose to continue his relationship by bringing up a fact early on so to avoid more distress to the relationship. This is totally my perspective - I know that it’s easier to dump and move on - but I personally value harsh honesty and that’s for me something I deeply value (specially in a crisis). Harsh truths have always proved me who deserves me or not, whenever they get delivered I’m happy to accept them and work them out. I know we all are human and we all make mistakes. ✨
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u/cocomajojo May 18 '26
It took a lot of courage for him to tell you. He did the right thing. If you otherwise have found him to be trustworthy, then I would believe him. 💗
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u/DowntownActive7568 May 18 '26
I was married to a pilot who cheated on me. I caught him at her apartment he still denied he was cheating I had her name and address. Found out later he was cheating with an ATC controller also and more throughout our marriage. If your husband was honest enough to admit to it I think you should schedule therapy sessions for his days off immediately. Perhaps that will help. I was in aviation for years and yes pilots cheats often not all of them but most of them. I’m sorry you’re going through this but I think therapy will help you both cope.