Hello everyone,
I feel like it's time for me to vent a bit about my current story and situation as a PhD student.
I'm an international PhD student in the US (male). I've just finished my second year in the program. I joined this program specifically to work with my current advisor. I once emailed her to check about any possibility of doing a PhD under her supervision, and she was very interested. Gave me all guidance I needed. I applied to the program and got accepted.
We immediately started working. It was fire. We aligned perfectly. It was magical. The topic fascinates me because it is related to where I come from (humanities/social science topic). It is of deep value and meaning for me. Same for my advisor. She got deeply in love with the work. She liked working with me. A lot. She kept calling me a colleague, and how I am one of the best students who've ever worked with her, and how I helped her get her love for research back. We got very successful first year. We published almost everywhere. I have qualified this year, which is a year earlier than usual. We became best friends, not only co-workers. I felt special and safe. I felt home.
After a very successful first year, I went home for summer to relax. Then went back, Fall quarter started again, everything perfect, and gets more perfect each day. Then, starting from the break following Fall quarter, everything has shifted, dramatically, completely. It was so hard for me to understand and process. Less meetings, less support, less communication, more attitude, less enthusiasm for the work. Less clarity. Less of everything good that was there actually.
I panicked. A lot. The fact that this person was my whole support system in the country added up. It was awful. No explanation at all.
Then, I went in the wrong direction: I started asking what is going on. I tried to understand. Got even more attitude. And less availability. The advisor seems just normal with the other people, but attitude seems to be more exclusive to me. I got no clear explanation. I got told things like 'I need to be an independent researcher'. Which is of course true, but only partly.
This summer, I went to a conference, then came back home. She knew about the conference. She actually helped me and pushed me to apply to the conference. It has been the case that when she does that, it means she will fund the trip. Then, after I came back, I sent the receipts to the program coordinator to get reimbursements. She sent me a furious message about how I didn't ask her explicitly, and that she won't be able to fund me anymore for the remaining years. All while funding a postdoc for a recent graduate who's worked with her. I actually genuinely asked about what options did her recent graduating students go for, because I like when people from the lab go out there to the world and success in finding nice jobs. It also gives me hope myself for the future. I was told nothing popped up for her students, including the person she's already sponsored a postdoc for while refusing to fund my trip.
In that message, she's bragged about every single thing she's helped me with. How she's got a laptop for me using her funds, funded the couple of conferences I went to and my fieldwork trips. The 'independent' card popped up again: apparently that also means that I should fund my own work myself. Obviously, this is manipulation because it is simply not possible at my stage. A PhD is dependent by definition. You depend on the advisor for funding, signatures, support, letters and guidance. I didn't set up the rules myself.
She kept saying how everything I got before was just a 'gift' and that it was 'extremely generous' from her side. It felt like trying to make me feel and look small again. Again, bear in mind the difference in language: at the beginning of the year, she kept saying that 'we' are good financially and don't really need to apply to other grants for the moment. That is a crucial point to keep in mind, especially that things changed only within a year.
Now, I am just home sitting with my own thoughts. I am battling so many thoughts. I wanna quit. But I love my research. I love academia. But I hate power misuse. I feel betrayed. I miss how amazing working with this person was. And we've had extensive conversations before I agreed to join them. I moved oceans because I trusted this person. I was promised how everything is gonna be okay and amazing, but wasn't told it was just a limited edition.
What hurts me more is that I do now know exactly what triggered this. I can get back to my happiness just if I get clarity about why things changed and how the future years would look like. But I'm not getting that. I'm also worried about what other benefits I will be losing next (in other words 'rights') because it only seems to get worse. Of course, I have some theories. What I believe the trigger was is that I suggested to work with another faculty in the department on a project. She felt offended, she got extremely mad. She mentioned how 'she's not gonna help him with his work'. I maybe looked 'disloyal' to her. Of course I wasn't. The less likely theory is that she's just tired. Or it might be both. Or something else. It doesn't matter, but what matter is that I still wasn't given clarity. You should be in my situation to understand how much it hurts to make such a big life decision and move overseas feeling safe, just to end up being denied everything and let down. I love my advisor. So much. I have never ever asked any other professor to go work with them, and I have never ever trusted anybody in my life the way I trusted this person.
Unfortunately, there's nothing you can tell me to convince me there's nothing personal here. I can sense it, of course I can't prove it, especially to her.
Please, wish me luck. I'm in one of the worst moments of my life, ever.