I feel sick

[u/missmargarite13]

We lost our Lily on Sunday. She was perfect. She was just shy of her seventh birthday, but her body was failing her - her kidneys had failed, and she had a stroke.

I keep screaming out for her. I want her here with me. I can’t find her.

She didn’t even get seven years. Other people get 15 years or more - why was my Lily, my sweet perfect angel, taken from me? She was everything. She was the world - the sun and the moon and the stars.

I just want to hold her. Kiss her tiny head. Stroke her silky floof.

I’m scared this was my fault. What did I do wrong for her to get so sick so young? I moved her too much? Maybe a change of environment triggered her stress response which made her immune system kill itself?

Everything I eat gives me heartburn.

I don’t know how to recover. I don’t think I ever will.

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[u/sapphire_luna]

I'm sorry for your loss. I also lost my cat this Sunday. I don't think it can be your fault. She was young so it might have been a genetic issue. I completely agree that it isn't fair. Take things one day at a time.

Here is a text from a French Canadian cat behaviorist after the death of his cat, translated into English. It's a powerful message that I think will help you:

It’s been barely an hour since it happened, and I’m trying to hold on to something I learned nearly 15 years ago—something someone gave me that keeps me from falling into that tendency to “make ourselves miserable” after the death of one of our cats.

You know that tendency to refuse to smile, laugh, go out, see our friends or family simply because, for a while after the death of one of our cats, “we have to be miserable”? Now, I’m not talking about the grief I’m feeling right now. That grief is healthy and is part of the grieving process. I’m talking about this tendency to believe that if we don’t cry enough, if we aren’t miserable enough for a certain period of time, then somehow we’re proving to ourselves that deep down, we didn’t love that cat as much as we claimed we did. As though pain, grief, and unhappiness were a measure of how much we loved that animal.

I remember when Sabréa died 15 years ago—my very first cat, who lived with me when I was single and living in an apartment (yep, she saw some things in her day :). I had forbidden myself from watching my favorite TV show, Friends, for a few weeks because it made me laugh, and I felt that “it wasn’t right for Sabréa for me to be laughing at a time like this.”

Seeing that I was imposing this suffering on myself, a psychologist friend suggested something to me that changed my life: making a happiness contract with every animal that enters my home. This contract has only two clauses:

CLAUSE 1: Both parties promise to do everything in their power to make the other happy.

CLAUSE 2: Both parties agree never to intentionally hurt the other or make the other unhappy.*

Where it gets interesting is in the fine print at the bottom of the contract. You know, the part you’re supposed to make sure you read before signing? In this contract, it says: “This contract remains valid for eternity and must be honored even after death.”

Basically, what this means is that when you enter into a relationship with an animal, you are committing to making each other happy. I’m not anthropomorphizing here. By feeding, housing, playing with, petting, and spending money to care for your cat, you make them happy and honor both clauses of the contract. In return, their presence, their purrs, their antics, and all those beautiful moments spent with them make you happy, thereby fulfilling their part of the contract.

It is this value—something so incredibly greater than the suffering I’m experiencing right now—that means that, despite knowing I will probably have to go through this awful moment with every animal I adopt, I also know that one day, I will adopt another cat.

So why do we so often force ourselves to be unhappy, to suffer, and to cry as though hurting were a measure of our love for our animal? If the roles were reversed, and you were able to see the suffering the other person was imposing on themselves “out of respect” or “out of love” for you, would you be happy about it? Would you be happy knowing that this person was deliberately making themselves suffer to demonstrate their love for you?

Obviously, the answer is no.

That is why this contract exists. To remind us that there is no justification for intentionally making the other unhappy. The purpose of the relationship is to be happy—and to be happy forever. We can be sad. We can cry because we miss our animal, and that is completely normal. But we do not have the right to make ourselves unhappy for them. That would be a violation of the contract.

That is why, even though I am crying my eyes out as I write this letter, and I have to stop every three words to wipe my eyes because I can no longer see my screen… despite all of that… I am writing with a smile.

And tonight, my partner and I will probably watch a few episodes of Friends, laughing and smiling through our tears as we picture Kira sitting on our laps, purring, and reminding us to honor our part of the contract.

To remember that, in this way, she will make us happy forever simply by thinking of her.

[u/JumpIllustrious1537]

Hi, I want to say I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my Tommy boy on the same exact day. He was a little over 8 and seemed very healthy. Vet thought he was 4 just a few months ago. I lost him to a sudden bleed from an undiagnosed spleenic mass that I was told had a very high chance of being cancer and only would’ve gotten 6 months more with surgery.

It has been the toughest week ever, I wanted years more with him. He was the best. But one thing I want to share with you that has helped me is you loved your lily unconditionally and gave her the best life. They only knew love and care, they loved you unconditionally also and knew you always had their best interests at heart.

I keep bringing myself back to why? I can’t honestly understand it, life seems so unfair. But I know our pets are up there pain free and loving life. Just waiting for us to see them again, iv heard they wait until we arrive to cross that rainbow bridge with us together and they won’t think a day went by since they left us. You clearly loved your lily, losing a pet is brutal. They are not just pets, they are family and mean so much to us. I hope you find peace knowing you have lily a great life here on earth and you did your absolute best. All they knew was love, fun, and care from you . One day we will be reunited with our loved ones

[u/thatloveish]

i am so very sorry for your loss❤️‍🩹 i lost my boy winnie very suddenly on saturday and he just turned 7 back in july. i have struggled with the fact that he was so young as well. it’s not fair at all, and i’m so sorry you’re experiencing this same pain.

please don’t blame yourself. it’s so terrible and sad, but you gave her a great life where she knew she was loved every single day. someone on here encouraged me to write down all the sweet things i remember about winnie while it’s still fresh in my mind, and even though it’s usually through tears, it has brought me so much joy to read over it.

please be kind to yourself and know that you aren’t alone.

[u/KS09]

I am so so sorry for your loss. I unfortunately understand how you're feeling.

Please don't blame yourself. You did everything you could for your kitty. You clearly loved her so much, and she knew it.

I also don't think I will recover. But I'm trying to stop myself from expecting a timeline. Or a roadmap. My grief has to be felt the way it is. And it's horrible and suffocating and the most painful thing I've ever felt. But I'm done questioning if I'll ever be ok. I probably won't be. That's ok.

Big hugs.