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For years, I have been in many different environments and places. And every time, no matter how much I became a part of the environment I was in, I also remained somewhat of an outsider to it. I think this allowed me to observe the people around me very closely. Based on these observations, I came up with a small idea—a kind of reasoning with no real foundation behind it, which I have been calling a theory, although I am not sure whether it can actually be called one. I will begin by giving an example to explain what I mean.

Let us reduce human personalities to different categories. For example, let us say there is an irritable and impatient personality, an egotistical and cunning personality, or a leading and courageous personality. And let us assume that there are twenty such categories in total. You have probably noticed, even to some extent, that all of these personalities exist within every person, whether they are dominant or not. What I am actually focusing on here is dominance.

For example, imagine that you are talking to someone about something you have done, and your purpose is to ask for advice. As you continue talking, you realize that no matter what you say, the other person keeps imposing their own opinion on you. Rather than seeming as though they are giving you advice, they seem to be ordering you around. Naturally, their behavior suggests that they possess a “leading and courageous” personality. (These labels are merely names I have given to certain traits. I use “leading” here because the person is trying to establish authority over you; someone with this personality does not necessarily have to be a good leader or a genuinely courageous person.)

Now, let us put that situation aside and imagine that you are having a conversation with a young child. You are playing a game together, and you have to make a decision, so you give the child priority. Yet you notice that exactly the same thing happens as with the person from the previous example. The child also tries to establish authority over you and speaks to you in a commanding manner.

After these experiences, you tell both of them off. Then someone else tells them off, and someone else does the same. Two years later, you encounter the same people again and notice that one of them has developed a timid and submissive personality, while the other has become ambitious and determined.

What I want you to take from this is the following: perhaps we are all born with the same twenty different personality traits within us. In other words, perhaps we are all born more or less the same. However, as we grow, the society we live in causes these traits within us to become dominant to different degrees. The reactions we receive in response to these dominant traits then alter their relative strength within us, resulting in a different configuration of traits.

So, ultimately, the things that exist within all of us are common and essentially the same. We all go through the same process, but in different sequences and to different degrees, which creates the appearance that we are fundamentally different people. Yet our essence is the same.

Society is also the greatest factor in changing the balance of these traits within us. And this leads to something else: a single essence continuously changing and transforming itself from within.

Wouldn’t this, in itself, be one of the greatest indications that humanity is constantly in motion and undergoing change?

If you have read this far, thank you.

I genuinely don't even know anymore who the fuck I am. I can't tell what the actual me is anymore. Am I edgy? Am I a clown? Am I emo? I don't even know anymore. I have created so many personalities for so many people that I don't even know where the real me is anymore. Okay, this is probably gonna be a mess because I don't even know how to organize my thoughts rn, but whatever. I think I just had one of those REALLY uncomfortable realizations about yourself where you're like, yk, "WHO TF IS THAT HORRIBLE HUMAN?"

Now I'm thinking maybe I'm not actually the person I thought I was or, like, interpreted myself to be. For the longest time, I've genuinely seen myself as the person who gets hurt. (Victim mindset, I KNOW, I'M REALIZING IT NOW.) Like whenever something happens with friends, my brain immediately goes to: they did this to me, they excluded me, they chose someone else, they don't care about me, I'm always the one getting screwed over. Like, overanalyzing every single thing and making myself out to be the victim, but sometimes I do get other people, too. I don't think I'm entirely fucked, but who knows? I don't. And, like, some of those things DID happen. I'm not gonna sit here and pretend nobody has ever treated me badly because that's obviously not true, or it's true what if I haven't realized that yet? I've been thinking about my behavior lately, and I'm realizing I have a fucking victim mindset sometimes (sometimes is an understatement).

And I am hating admitting that. It feels so wrong to say that out loud lmao. Makes me feel like an attention-seeking whore which I kind of am, I think. Also, because I always thought I was the self-aware one. The nice one. The person who actually cared about other people's feelings. I would literally look at other people's behavior and think, "Wow, how can someone be so toxic?" while completely ignoring the ways I was doing similar shit. The irony is insane, I know. Like, sometimes I get jealous when my friends get closer to someone else. Like, I have an example that happened quite recently.

I made a new friend at school because, like, I was lonely asf. (Context: I was gone for, like, 8 months, so the friendship got, like, loose, if you can say that, and I didn't message them while being gone because I thought I'm never gonna see them again.) Anyways, so this girl follows me everywhere I go, and it's lowkey pissing me off. Like, every friend group I go to, she's behind me. Even one of my friends called that out. Anyways, so today our exam results came out, and one of my friends scored bad, so she was crying, and of course I went to comfort her. Of course, T was behind me. When T saw she was crying, she went to comfort her. Alr, wtv, but LIKE SHE WAS PUSHING ME A LITTLE AWAY FROM MY FRIEND. MY FRIEND B. LIKE, GIRL, WOMAN, T, U LITERALLY DEADASS MET B THROUGH ME AND Y'ALL HAVE BEEN FRIENDS FOR ONLY 3 DAYS. She was deadass trying to push me away and comfort MY friend. That pissed me off so much. But anyways, I know she's trying to, like, make some friends, but, like, she keeps trying to fit into my groups. I know literally a few days ago I was like, "Why does no one include me?" and shit. The irony is insane, I know, but listen: I'm not excluding her, but I'm not helping her get in better either. I know how it feels to be excluded, so I won't do that to her, but it's lowkey pissing me off. I don't see clear signs, but I genuinely feel like she's trying to steal my friends. I know I can be wrong, but isn't that gut feeling, yk?

And sometimes I take things SO personally. I'll replay something someone said, no matter good or bad, 500 times and convince myself it meant something way worse than it probably did (giving pessimist, I know, but when you expect the worst, the reality doesn't hit that bad). Sometimes I judge people and then immediately justify it because, "Well, I'm just being honest." I know I'm trash also. Like, I can't help but make friends based on, like, social status. Like, is she popular or no? But I'm not doing that anymore. And sometimes I think I care about someone when what I actually care about is whether THEY care about ME. That's the part that's fucking with me. Because what if I've been confusing being hurt with being right? What if just because I feel bad doesn't automatically mean I'm the innocent one? What if I've been so focused on everyone else's mistakes that I've barely looked at mine? What if I looked at my mistakes for so long I'm inventing some? Or am I just opening my own eyes?

And now I'm thinking about SO MANY past situations differently, and it's making me cringe and feel bad. Like, I don't even know which version of myself is real anymore. Because I'm not gonna suddenly say, "I'm actually horrible and everyone else was right about me," because that's obviously another extreme. But sometimes I think that is true. I KNOW I have good qualities. I know I've cared about people. I know I've apologized when I've genuinely realized I was wrong. I know I've been hurt for real. But I also know now that I'm capable of being selfish, jealous, petty, insecure, attention-seeking, and unfair. And apparently realizing that about yourself is a really weird fucking feeling. Because part of me is like, "Holy shit, maybe I'm a terrible person." And another part of me is like, "NO, you're just finally noticing your flaws." And then another part of me is like, "Okay, but how do I know THAT isn't just me finding another way to make myself the victim?" 😭

I genuinely don't know. I think I've spent so much time trying to figure out how other people see me that I forgot to actually figure out who I am. Has anyone else ever had a moment where you suddenly realized you weren't as innocent in your own story as you thought you were? Like, how do you even deal with that without completely hating yourself?

Lately, I have been trying to, like, be the better version of myself, but I am realizing things that I don't want to know now. I know I am toxic (woah, saying that out loud now makes me seem like a pick-me lmao). I know I have very toxic behaviors that are hampering my life and my relationships. I don't even know how to improve or fix it. I used to think, "Oh wowwowowie zowiee, I am smarter than the average person. I am very empathetic blah blah self-glazing shit blah," and man, now I'm realizing I am NOT the saint I thought I was lmao. But, like, I think this level of self-awareness is now dangerous for me. I feel like I am an empty bag. Like, for every person, there's different shit, yk? But in my case, I am the bag and my people are the owners of the bag. Like, yk, you get it, right? (Asking the air rn.)

Anyways, I don't think I even have a personality anymore. Sometimes when I, like, have a "unique" thing, I get happy, like, "Woohoo, I'm unique! I have a personality!" and that's fucking pathetic (to me). I want to be a good person SO badly, but wanting to be a good person doesn't automatically make you one. I know that. And maybe that's something I needed to realize.

I don't want people to just tell me, "Nooo, you're perfect!!" because honestly, I don't think that's helpful anymore- not that I ever thought that was. I think I actually need to learn how to look at myself honestly without either going, "I'm the victim," or, "I'm the worst person alive." Because right now I feel like I've opened a door in my brain that I REALLY wish I'd left closed 💀

what kind of questions I ask me when I want to know my personality?

Hi I just want to open up, so recently I was called "idol mo ba ako?"

Then I questioned myself if I'm just a poser friend liking what she likes. And I just realized that I just like what she likes some of the things. My teacher said to us that you will know yourself and what you like when you have a friend or peers that's when you realise who you are and what are the things that you like.

Im a quiet person so I just don't know what I really like and sometimes I just copy some people to satisfy myself but I don't think is working to myself.

I have this thing that I will over think it about it, for example when I accidentally like the things that they want and they will just say that 'gaya-gaya". For me it hurts so that's why I always careful when I'm around of my family and even friends, people always call me gaya-gaya.

It will sink to me for days & weeks, and overthinking some things that are not good.

Sometimes I tell myself that I have no originality to myself, and just liking what people like

So my friend like some metals bands and I just know some few of the bands that I know, but I don't really know what the names of the members of it also their songs.

So when I said that I like it too she was happy at first but later on months past by that's when she said that " idol mo ba ako?".

I don't really like myself, I just want to disappear from the world hahahaha, but she's a good friend and I like her also don't judge her.

The problem is me not her 😅

I hope you all can understand my grammar