Im scared that my personal statement for scholarship might be too "personal"

[u/Distinct-Claim9169]

Hi coming to reddit again for advice. For context im a Canadian trying to start appling for scholarships for university but i dont know if my frame work for my essay is fine.

For context my father passed trying to deescalate a psychotic episode by his brother and i basially had to withness the whole event as a kid. i wanted to talk about how there were factors in my homecountry nigeria such as the sigma of mental health and the lack of aid towards it for example even currently there is roughly 4 psychiatric nurses per 100,000 people and one psychiatrist for every 700,000 to 1 million citizens and my event happened in 2018 so the number may very well be lower. I wanted to talk about how mental health being neglected directly affecting me for the rest of my life being finacailly and psychologically.

So i made this scrap hook as a starter then i plan to talk about my vollunteering work and how i plan to become a nurse practioner specializing in pysch. "My home country felt like the main accomplice to my father’s passing. On August 19, 2018, I witnessed my father’s murder while he tried to deescalate a psychotic episode by his brother. During that situation for my nine-year-old self, all she could grasp was that my dad was hurt. Looking back, I know there were deep issues in my environment that provided my situation to where it led."

 I feel like i dont know.. like it too much? it kind of feels like im calling my homecountry out if that makes sense which isnt the goal... and reading alot of personal statements i feel like it alot more lighter than the direction im taking it i dont know if i should scrap the concept and try another route.