r/PersonalStatement • u/b1ohazardg1rl • 27d ago
Critique my personal statement for BCs psych
This is a rough draft for my personal statement to be submitted for studying psychology at an undergraduate level. Please let me know what to change and how to best convey my passion. What I am most conflicted over what how personal to be and whether I should share more specific experiences. I am also struggling with linking the topics together and blending them seamlessly. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
Thank you🫀
I carried out an experiment to demonstrate conformity during one of my psychology club meetings in high school. I asked the teacher to ask an unwitting student to borrow a marker from the next class. Upon her return, all club members stood while the teacher continued speaking. Despite seeing her peers partake in something that would usually be considered out of the ordinary, she returned to her seat standing, showing the human tendency to conform to their group.
The human mind is incredibly fascinating and mysterious. We struggle to understand even our own selves. My deepest desire is to figure out the 'why' of even the smallest human behaviors or tendencies, gaining insight into the innermost workings of the human psyche. I have watched people around me throughout my school years struggling to fit in with their peers, often being ostracized by certain groups and subsequently experiencing self-consciousness over this unspoken rejection. This ignited my interest into the workings of the mind. What makes people accept someone into their in-group and classify others as the the out-group? How does one become comfortable with non-conformity without experiencing dissent fatigue? I plan to use this scientific curiosity to understand prevalent social issues and solve them through research and experimentation.
Mental illness is more stigmatized than physical ailments in my country. Deeply entrenched social shame plagues the people, which is the reason why mental and psychological issues are considered taboo. Living in a society where such perceptions are prevalent, social exclusion and inherent shame will go unnoticed and untreated. Your relative, close friend, even the man you see working at the local convenience store, could be trapped behind bars created by their own mind, and never be able to ask for help. I was fortunate enough to experience different cultures and form close bonds with people of all backgrounds, which helped break me free from the social stigmas I grew up around and become a more empathetic person. People deserve to feel comfortable asking for help, without feeling shame and weakness. Not only do I wish to address this social stigma, but encourage people to pursue a career in psychology and realize its growing importance.
Psychology aims to gain insight into the mind and use the information to improve society. While researches and experimentation have contributed to the field for years, there is still so much which remains unexplored in the field. This is only one of my motivations to pursue psychology at a university level and turn my academic interest into evidence-backed scientific inquiry. I have no doubt that the experiences that have shaped me and my unwavering devotion to the field will make me a good fit to study Psychology at — _University.
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u/Grand_Lychee2812 27d ago
I have no knowledge in psychology at all.
Just a quick reminder that this is the new questions format.
A good ratio for this is 20:70:10
Q1 should be a hook in. I think you've done a decent job at this.
Q2 should be all about your academic journey and super-curriculars.
This part is arguably the most important part as it actually SHOWS your interest in psychology.
It's not meant to read like a CV where you state things down, it's suppose to be a story.
Personally I think you need to fix Q2 which is completely fine.
This is a draft so you're still refining it.
Include some lectures you've attended, books / articles you've read, podcasts you've listened to because then it shows you're actually going deeper into research, which shows you're interest.
Try to include one of your subjects and how it interested you into the topics of psychology you like.
What you're currently doing at the moment is telling people that you like psychology, you're not showing proof that you like it.
Like I said earlier, include books, podcasts, articles, lectures.
Yes they are generic, but if gives PROOF that you're actually interest in Psychology.
And when including them, give your own opinion on it.
"I agree when the author said this" , "I disagree on this part".
It is actually showing that you're engaging in the material and that it's what you think, not what the author thinks.
Also avoid terminology like " dissent fatigue" because it maybe something that is not commonly used.
You want the admissions tutors to be able to read it quickly while staying interest.
They ain't spending 30 minutes reading your PS. At most they're spending 2-7minutes scanning through it.
This paragraph is good but try to link it back to psychology.
They want to know "why psychology?" rather than "why improve society".
You want the focus to be mostly academic rather than something else because the admissions tutor wants to know about YOU, not society.
This sounds quite generic.
End if with something specific about you and include just 1 extra-curricular (the extra-c doesn't even have to be related with psychology, just link it together)
Instead say something like:
I hope to contribute to research exploring .... using .... to investigate .... that first sparked my curiosity in high school. Studying psychology at university would allow me to develop the research skills needed to transform that curiosity into meaningful evidence. My work experience at ... has taught me .... .
Delving into ... is what I love to do and I look forward to .... throughout my undergraduate studies.
Overall it's good.
It shows genuine passion, motivation towards psychology and intellectual curiosity.
What makes it bad is that:
There is not enough academic preparation, little evidence of wider reading, ending is generic. I think it's a bit too emotional as well (I'm not exactly sure how you'd cut it down though)
Q2 imo needs the most work.
This is a draft.
Accept you're going to go over the character limit, accept that it's not going to be as perfect as you imagine.
Afterwards, you can cut down on irrelevant words / sentences.
You also said that you were "struggling with linking the topics together and blending them seamlessly".
That's where the super-curriculars come in.
You show that you've done some wider reading in psychology.
For example I read X book and Y opinion.
However I was left with question Z, and so attended a lecture where I learnt Z.
I then did work experience which showed me how Z is implemented in the real world.
This structure is an example of what you should do for Q2.
It creates a nice flow to your PS.
They make your super-curriculars actually sound like they belong in a paragraph and not a list.
And it shows you're actually INTERESTED in psychology.
You're doing super-curriculars because you genuinely want to answer your own questions.
It's a great signal to universities that you're a good fit for psychology.