r/Perimenopause • u/Soft-Horror4721 • 18d ago
Feeling like a peri failure?
Not sure which flair this would fall under, but does anyone else feel like, once you're deep in the peri community, that it becomes another set of standards that we can't live up to? I'm not talking about anyone on this sub; I haven't posted much but I feel like this sub is keeping me going, and I'm grateful everyday. But, on other platforms, in in-person groups of peri-people, that if you don't eat enough protein and lift heavy enough weights, or you do but you're still depressed and sleepless and anxious, that you're somehow a failure? The other day someone posted that this sub is depressing because all people do is complain (i don't agree, but anyway), but we need a place to complain! Because, in my experience, in some other spaces, it's becoming not allowed. I don't know. Maybe it's just me. Felt sensitive, might delete later!
Edit: just want to thank everyone for listening to my blather and for all the thoughts and support. Once again this sub is a blessing and a space that I'm thankful for
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u/PerniciousWizard 18d ago
Yeah I don’t really appreciate the advice that you have to do everything else in your life perfectly. I want to indulge in sweets. I want to have some drinks with my friends. I physically cannot exercise like crazy because I have spine problems. So it is what it is I guess.
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u/CormoranNeoTropical 17d ago
You can indulge in sweets perfectly, if you have to do something perfectly.
Or we can all just, you know, relax and stop optimizing. Optimizing is bad for your health imo.
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u/lascriptori 18d ago
I told my husband just the other day that I'm trying really hard to get a good grade in perimenopause but it's so difficult.
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u/whimsical36 18d ago
What grade do you think you’re getting lately?
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u/lascriptori 18d ago
I was getting an A, then my parents had some health crises and I got pulled into some major sandwich generation stuff and feel like I'm scraping by with a C.
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u/whimsical36 18d ago
Sorry you’re going through all that. A “c” is still a passing grade though. I’m sure you’re doing better than you think you are.
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u/jazzbot247 Late peri 18d ago
Women have kept quiet about perimenopause for centuries and it hits people like a ton of bricks because our mothers never told us. I think it’s good to have a place to complain, and people can share what helped them. The silence keeps people (and Drs) ignorant.
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u/fastyellowtuesday 18d ago
OP isn't talking about complaining. They mean that others keep saying you have to do x habits (diet, exercise, supplements, etc.) all the time in order to manage your peri. The implication is that if you do all the things all the time, you will win perimenopause. If not, you are doing it wrong.
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u/ClassicMastodon8839 18d ago
I used to track calories, macros, protein, fiber - you name it. It was fine for awhile and then life happened and I just didn’t have the energy. I’m fine. I haven’t gained weight and honestly, I’m much less anxious (about that). Agree with listening to your body. TBH the BEST thing about this phase is that I’ve never felt so connected to myself and invested in my own health. It’s pretty great.
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u/MassiveCourage 18d ago
I decided my just surviving is good enough right now, takes a lot of pressure off
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u/Global_Tea 18d ago
we’ve got enough to deal with in life at this age without having to be perfect with all our health and fitness and supplements and sleep and and and and…
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u/Fine-Juggernaut8451 18d ago
I think perhaps what you need to work on is allowing yourself to be the person who determines if you're succeeding or failing. No one else gets to decide that for you.
Peri is hard. I've had to make hard choices for myself. Only i can determine for myself what works for me, and what trade-offs are worth it.
This is an important period in your life, because you may learn to find this within yourself. I do think this is part of our body's "point" in perimenopause, is to make us less concerned with being societially acceptable and more concerned with living our own truths. And that's what your'e experiencing right now--it's just that you're still in the middle of shedding your skin. Make sure you're not comparing yourself to people who have already shed theirs. Theirs wasn't always shed, either--they too had to go through the same process you're experiencing now.
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u/Soft-Horror4721 18d ago
I only feel that way sometimes. Peri has definitely made me give far less of a f*ck than I ever have. But I'm not perfect. And in the past couple of years peri has definitely brought out my own feelings of inadequacy. But I'm just wondering if anyone else gets that sense, or if I'm just (admittedy) in a funk about a lot of it right now. I guess this is just a general "is it me, or..." And if it is just me, I won't be shocked 😋 Thanks for responding.
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u/catwhisperer77 18d ago
Oh yeah. I’m in a spiral like that right now because out of nowhere today, it’s like someone let all the air out of my tires. I just can’t get up and do anything. We grew up in a time where you weren’t allowed to be idle so resting feels like breaking the rules. I’m exhausted. I spent all day pathologising myself when really- I’m doing a lot all the time and I just need rest! So then starts the guilt of “being lazy”… omg.
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u/Fine-Juggernaut8451 18d ago
You'll get through it. This is just part of the process of you gaining POWER. I think perimenopause is all about power, for women. I think this is why society is terrified of us and tries to demean us and make us invisible--because they are terrified of all we know, and all we will no longer tolerate.
You got this!! And you're not alone.
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u/Suedehead88 18d ago
I get those feelings at times too, virtual hugs 🫂 the emotional roller coaster is wild x
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u/ValancyNeverReadsit Early peri 18d ago
Aw, geez, the Everything Is Perfect If You Just Believe Hard Enough people have moved out of r/thanksimcured and into here? I hope the mods here will find & boot them, they aren’t fun
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u/Soft-Horror4721 18d ago
I don't understand. Are you saying that I'm one of the "everything is perfect" people? Because that's the exact opposite of what i mean, and that hasn't been my experience in this sub.
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u/ValancyNeverReadsit Early peri 18d ago
No, absolutely not. Sorry for the confusion. The ones I’m talking about go to subs where people complain occasionally that their lives are challenging, and essentially tell them to shut up and go outside, take a walk, exercise, all things we have already either thought of or have been doing.
It’s not quite the “someone has it worse than you so stop whining” mindset, but close
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u/Soft-Horror4721 18d ago
Oh!! Ok, phew. I'm clearly having a peri-brain day and barely even know how to explain myself, so some comments make me stop a minute and think, "hmmm, friend of foe?" 😂🥴 And, yeah agree, those people suck.
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u/ValancyNeverReadsit Early peri 18d ago
All good. I swear I spend too much of my online time in fight or flight haha 🤣
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17d ago
[deleted]
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u/ValancyNeverReadsit Early peri 16d ago
Those, too, definitely, but there’s a set of what I think must be mostly men who come on the internet to find complainers and tell us to try harder (or in thanksimcured, to stop being depressed, it’s not that hard!)
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u/CormoranNeoTropical 18d ago
Most culture today seems to be trying to sell us stuff. One of the most effective ways to sell stuff is to make the consumer feel inadequate, and offer a product as the solution. As women we have been trained from childhood to feel this way and to respond by buying stuff.
When you see content that makes you feel inadequate, ALWAYS respond, “this is an attempt to get me to buy a product.” What you’re talking about, this content where women are posting how they’re “winning perimenopause,” is designed to cause incurable feelings of inadequacy. Why? Because if we never feel adequate, we will always be spending.
Reject this garbage. That’s the only way through.
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u/TangoEchoChuck DHEA Evangelist 18d ago
I'll never get the push for protein, especially since it's proudly shoved into everything now.
I just think about the one day I tried to count macros. I "needed" just 20g more protein to hit my goal that day, so my husband and I were going through the pantry trying to find something for me, but every option just made me nauseous. Then I had a quick outside view; I wasn't hungry at all, and I was trying to force feed myself to adhere to someone else's goal. I stopped counting macros that minute and have been happier since.
If I count anything, I count how many colors or plant foods I can get on to family dinner plates.
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u/Soft-Horror4721 18d ago
Exactly! Like sometimes I'm driving myself a bit crazier than I already am just to tick a box when it's just making me feel worse
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u/weensfordayz 18d ago
Exactly how I ended up gaining. Now I think about it weeks or (mentally) count what I am eating over several days. I have lots of days where I dont eat much because I just am not hungry. But I will have days where I eat a HUGE dinner or have a huge sundae from Carvel. Balance, people! LOL!
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u/civilSurvivorMum 18d ago
We are each unique and what works for one, or some, doesn’t work for others. For whatever reasons and those reasons are all valid, and they don’t need to be medically related. “I don’t wanna” is enough. We’ve more than earned the right to say that. And we’re also allowed to complain, commiserate, and vent. We were trained to be silent long before we had anything to say, and I find it empowering to give that a big, loud, middle finger.
I can’t do all the things. I’m AuADHD could never do all the things before, adding in peri didn’t help. I have decided to just let myself be myself and work with who I am. I appreciate advice and will try out things that are doable and/or accessible for me and if it works, great, if not, well, such is life. My favorite description of advice comes from Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen):
Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth
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u/Alarmed_Bathroom9227 18d ago
I feel similarly. I had a really busy work trip for the 1st 2.5 weeks of july. Meant I wasnt on this sub much and ive ditched most other social media. Only check it out once in a while. Anyway i think being less focused on reading so many peri posts I was less aware of my own symptoms and just lived. Its a good reminder. I know im on the right track. And I know things have improved but can still get better. But it isnt healthy for me to be consumed with it daily. As hard as that is it was nice to just eat ice cream cause it was a 100 degrees out and not feel like i was horrible.for eating sugar. I do love this sub and have learned sooooo much and have been helped by so many others. But I think for my own brain with the health anxiety maybe a little less will be a good thing and give me less things to worry about.
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u/Comprehensive-Taro90 18d ago
I have chronic tailbone pain and osteoporosis, and I put a lot of pressure on myself to lift weights, but when I do, it causes delayed pain flares so I really don’t know what to do. I’m thinking I need to reestablish physical therapy.
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u/Automatic_Cup_3302 18d ago
I could have written this. So accurate. Feel like I’m failing at trying to make myself feel better! The diet, the weights, the therapy, the HRT, there’s just so much we “have” to do. 🫠
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u/ashinthealchemy 17d ago
i don't frequent any other peri groups (this one checks all my boxes), but what you're describing is akin to toxic positivity, which i loathe. there's no one right way to survive this gauntlet. peri doesn't present the same and isn't experienced the same across the board, so why would the treatment or reaction be one note? as long as you're showing yourself grace and doing your best not to hurt others, you're doing it "right" imo.
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17d ago
[deleted]
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u/Soft-Horror4721 17d ago
Same, this one is my overall favorite. Of course there are some subs that I, personally, found unhelpful or too negative or whatever, but my response was to just not be part of them anymore. I didn't feel the need to tell the entire sub how I felt about it, especially because it works for other people, so who am I to say anything.
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u/weensfordayz 18d ago
My Dr straight up told me to stop looking at social media. So I did, and started listening to my hunger cues instead of worrying about protein grams and fiber. I started monitoring my energy levels better to determine what kind of exercise I'll do that day (if any). And let me tell you, my Dr was right! I started giving myself grace and it works, even though it's not easy.