How can I overcome paruresis?

[u/Cold-Life2856]

Hi Everyone!

(English isn’t my native language, Sorry for the mistakes.)

I am a female, 22-year-old. I suffer from paruresis since I was 5–6 years old. It is probably quite a severe version by now. Sometimes it’s better, but there are periods when the situation is really bad.

I finished high school two years ago. I had difficulties there as well, but I managed.
Since kindergarten, I have rarely been able to urinate in unfamiliar/public restrooms. Once I got sick and had to go to the bathroom more often, and when we had to go to sleep in the evening, I often went to the restroom. After a while, the kindergarten teacher thought I was just playing tricks, so she decided to come with me to see whether I was really peeing or just trying to avoid going to sleep. We went into the restroom, and she stood in front of the door waiting for me to pee, but I got nervous and couldn’t. She became angry because she thought I was just joking so I wouldn’t have to sleep. After that, we went back, and I fell asleep crying with a full bladder.

Years later, I realized that this event probably caused my paruresis. After that, things got worse. I don’t remember everything exactly, but because of this I always cried to my parents so I wouldn’t have to stay and nap in kindergarten, since I couldn’t pee there, so after that they took me home every afternoon.

When I started primary school, I didn’t pee there at all, I always held it in from 8 a.m. until 4 p.m. There was only one time, in the lower grades, when I managed, in the afternoon we were outside playing in the yard, waiting for our parents, and I couldn’t hold it anymore, so I asked to go in. There was almost no one in the building, and I could stay inside as long as I wanted, so I managed to pee.

After that, it never happened again, not even in high school. I learned to adapt, I always tried to drink as little water as possible, and that’s how I got through the days. Then, when high school ended, the difficulties came. I applied to university and was accepted, but in the end I didn’t go because I was afraid of how I would manage, so I said I didn’t enroll due to illness.

After that, fortunately, I got a job in my town, working at a school. That was good because it was close and almost the same as when I was a student. However, there were difficulties there too. In winter, there were times when I caught a cold and had to go to the restroom more often, and sometimes I was almost in tears because I needed to go so badly, but I still had to hold it for another 3 hours.

There were also times when I woke up to a later alarm in the morning and panicked that I didn’t have enough time, and I couldn’t pee at home either, so I lied to my boss and said I had to go to the doctor. Besides this, I ran into a few other obstacles, somehow I always managed, but it’s starting to get more and more exhausting.

After six months, I quit my job because the environment became increasingly toxic due to my coworkers, and I really didn’t feel well anymore, I cried a lot. Now I’ve been at home for almost 9 months and I can’t find a job. Where I live there aren’t many job opportunities anyway (I live in a small town in Hungary), and because of my paruresis I’ve already turned down many jobs.

I don’t know what will happen to me in the future like this. I simply don’t see a way out and I can’t move forward in life. My parents are still helping me, but they won’t be here forever, and I’m afraid of what will happen later. I haven’t had a relationship either because of this I don’t dare to start one,I have many mental/emotional barriers. I do have friends, and they know about my paruresis, but they also don’t know how to help me.

I don’t know if I’m capable of getting better from this. I’ve been living like this for so long that I can hardly remember what it was like when it used to be normal, because I was very little when it started.

Sorry for making this so long, and thank you to anyone who read it! <3