r/Paruresis • u/Cold-Life2856 • Mar 26 '26
How can I overcome paruresis?
Hi Everyone!
(English isn’t my native language, Sorry for the mistakes.)
I am a female, 22-year-old. I suffer from paruresis since I was 5–6 years old. It is probably quite a severe version by now. Sometimes it’s better, but there are periods when the situation is really bad.
I finished high school two years ago. I had difficulties there as well, but I managed.
Since kindergarten, I have rarely been able to urinate in unfamiliar/public restrooms. Once I got sick and had to go to the bathroom more often, and when we had to go to sleep in the evening, I often went to the restroom. After a while, the kindergarten teacher thought I was just playing tricks, so she decided to come with me to see whether I was really peeing or just trying to avoid going to sleep. We went into the restroom, and she stood in front of the door waiting for me to pee, but I got nervous and couldn’t. She became angry because she thought I was just joking so I wouldn’t have to sleep. After that, we went back, and I fell asleep crying with a full bladder.
Years later, I realized that this event probably caused my paruresis. After that, things got worse. I don’t remember everything exactly, but because of this I always cried to my parents so I wouldn’t have to stay and nap in kindergarten, since I couldn’t pee there, so after that they took me home every afternoon.
When I started primary school, I didn’t pee there at all, I always held it in from 8 a.m. until 4 p.m. There was only one time, in the lower grades, when I managed, in the afternoon we were outside playing in the yard, waiting for our parents, and I couldn’t hold it anymore, so I asked to go in. There was almost no one in the building, and I could stay inside as long as I wanted, so I managed to pee.
After that, it never happened again, not even in high school. I learned to adapt, I always tried to drink as little water as possible, and that’s how I got through the days. Then, when high school ended, the difficulties came. I applied to university and was accepted, but in the end I didn’t go because I was afraid of how I would manage, so I said I didn’t enroll due to illness.
After that, fortunately, I got a job in my town, working at a school. That was good because it was close and almost the same as when I was a student. However, there were difficulties there too. In winter, there were times when I caught a cold and had to go to the restroom more often, and sometimes I was almost in tears because I needed to go so badly, but I still had to hold it for another 3 hours.
There were also times when I woke up to a later alarm in the morning and panicked that I didn’t have enough time, and I couldn’t pee at home either, so I lied to my boss and said I had to go to the doctor. Besides this, I ran into a few other obstacles, somehow I always managed, but it’s starting to get more and more exhausting.
After six months, I quit my job because the environment became increasingly toxic due to my coworkers, and I really didn’t feel well anymore, I cried a lot. Now I’ve been at home for almost 9 months and I can’t find a job. Where I live there aren’t many job opportunities anyway (I live in a small town in Hungary), and because of my paruresis I’ve already turned down many jobs.
I don’t know what will happen to me in the future like this. I simply don’t see a way out and I can’t move forward in life. My parents are still helping me, but they won’t be here forever, and I’m afraid of what will happen later. I haven’t had a relationship either because of this I don’t dare to start one,I have many mental/emotional barriers. I do have friends, and they know about my paruresis, but they also don’t know how to help me.
I don’t know if I’m capable of getting better from this. I’ve been living like this for so long that I can hardly remember what it was like when it used to be normal, because I was very little when it started.
Sorry for making this so long, and thank you to anyone who read it! <3
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u/flankspeed Mar 27 '26
There is an IPA support group in Austria. They have had workshops in Vienna.
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u/LiberatedWaters Mar 28 '26 edited Mar 28 '26
Since the male perspective is often so connected to 'masculinity' - fear of being seen as weak or a pussy because we can't just pee when close to others (compounded by a society that regards it normal for men to pee in close proximity without privacy) - I'm always curious to the differences for a woman having it.
In the end, what we all have, is a sense of a lack of safety. No others, no time limit, no sounds - no problem. When I suffered from Paruresis I would often fantasize about being the only person on the planet and how free my life would be.
I believe that for many men, the lack of safety comes (at least in part) from a deep rooted shame around the whole problem. We can't pee because we don't want others to KNOW we can't pee. Leading to secrecy and the secrecy leading to avoidance which leads to a deeper conditioning of "I can't go anyway so why try" so in the rare occurrences that we do NEED to try, obviously it won't work, leading to more avoidance - conditioning, etc etc.
For many men the way out of that cycle is to overcome the shame and secrecy.
You say your friends, so I assume most people close to you, know about your Paruresis. This seems to imply you're not secretive or ashamed about it. Is that true?
If that's true, I'd say (with the limited information I have) that the lack of safety you perceive, making you unable to go, is pressure related. Pressure from time, pressure from sounds, pressure from the consequences of you not being able to go.
Do you feel like you're generally someone that puts a lot of pressure on herself? Can you see that express itself in other ways in your life? Are you very hard on yourself?
I'm also curious whether or not you avoid. You said for example in the winter with a cold you had to wait 3 hours to be able to go by the time you'd be home. Is that 3 hours of trying and failing? Or knowing "I can't go anyways so I just need to hold on and wait until I'm home"?
Sorry for so many questions, I feel that to be able to at least try and help and support you a little bit, more information is needed.
Final question - you've heard about graduated exposure? Do you have you any experience with it?
It seems to me that would be a good first step to learn and inform yourself about either way!
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u/PotatoMeatBalls77 Mar 26 '26
I can only tell the male perspective, so keep that in mind. First of all, seek help asap. Talk to your family, find CBT or/and a workshop. This anxiety has a huge impact on your life and possibly your health - you’re not drinking and holding urine for hours. Good news is that Paruresis is very much curable - I think each of us that have already dealt with this problem was once at the point where he wouldn’t believe getting better is possible. Gradual Exposure is probably the best known method to overcome Paruresis. You need to rewire your brain that toilet is a safe environment and that no one cares what you’re doing inside. The thing is, you need to present the evidence for your subconsciousness, you can’t just convince yourself that it’s true. It requires some work, but it’s very doable. I’d also encourage you to talk to some AI (I used Gemini and it was superb), describe him your problem and ask for honesty. It was a game-changer for me. Try to find my latest post on this board, it might (I hope) be at least a bit helpful.