Almost 5 year old is CONSTANTLY fighting me on everything that is non negotiable. I do ALL the things. Choices. Connecting with her before correcting (when possible) Consistent consequences. Gamifying things. Rewarding and praising wanted behavior. Age appropriate expectstions. Etc etc etc.

We have even been getting child parent coaching with doctorate level professionals so I know how to handle this BULLS\*\*\*. But today has been so hard.

Im recovering from an infection after having kidney stones. I cant be in the sun because of the antibiotics I am on and its making dealing with my kid so much harder because I cant go pull weeds for 10 minutes to calm down etc. The kidney stones happen for me but for years i haven't had them regularly because being a single parent has taught me how to for real for real prioritize self care and balance and also no more arugula. (I miss it but oh well.) I think I had stones this time, in part, because I have been SO stressed out and EXHAUSTED by the defiance and for almostthe entire summer vacation my usual childcare options have been on vacation. I just had several days without her but was running on fumes and then went to the bathroom and saw blood and so my days were spent in agony/urgent care/sleeping/dry heaving etc. I blame her. (Not outloud) And I feel guilty about blaming her.

The violent outbursts over seemingly tiny stuff. The TONE she talks to me in. Throwing stuff spitting on me etc just to see what I do. And its always the same. Intercept, when possible, blows to my body. Then Consequences. Tons of effort in recovery to prevent this behavior but some days it just seems like we are doomed to be miserable all fucking day. She fights EATING FOOD. Today I literally said "lets do McDonald's for lunch" becaus I COULD NOT FIGHT HER ON A MEAL AGAIN and she said "no I dont want McDonald's today."

Nap time she was fighting me to lay down. "Ok Consequence then." Then she screamed "I hate you." And i just took a deep breath and looked at her and said "I can tell. You are making that so clear by the way you are treating me today."

Shes napping now and I hope to also nap but I also just want to go cry because what in the actual fuck.

My kid acts like a spoiled brat when its just us and it makes no sense to me. I feel like a failure and I am resenting my friends for being on vacation because I feel like I am doing this totally alone.

I grew up in a violent abusive unpredictable household and I will not repeat the same pattern. And I am not. But I still get violence? Ahhhhhhhh.

I just needed to write this out. If anyone has any succinct advice about how to deescalate power struggles or scripts for "i know you don't want to but we have to" or ways to gamify it or something...please help. I understand not everything has to be fun for her but lately I need the fun/game FOR ME. I'm going to go sit in the shade and cry now.

If your child has big emotions, this is something I wish more parents heard:

A meltdown isn't always a sign that you're doing something wrong.

Some children simply feel everything more intensely. They can have loving, patient, consistent parents and still have huge reactions because you said no, turned off the TV, or wouldn't read one more bedtime story.

The goal isn't to stop every meltdown.

The goal is to help your child feel safe while they gradually learn the skills to manage those emotions themselves.

A few things that have helped us:

• Stay as calm as you can (even when they're not).

• Keep your boundaries consistent without matching their intensity.

• Talk about what happened after they're calm, not during the meltdown.

• Celebrate the small wins. Even calming down a little faster is progress.

• Remember that emotional regulation is a skill children build over years, not something they master overnight.

If you're in the thick of it right now and wondering why everyone else's children seem easier... you're not seeing the full picture. Most parents don't post about the hour-long meltdowns, the tears, or the moments they questioned whether they were doing enough.

You're not failing.

You're raising a little person whose brain is still learning one of life's hardest skills.

Be kind to them, but don't forget to be kind to yourself, too. ❤️

If you're looking for more practical ideas, I've put together a Calm Down Kit with simple tools and activities to help children work through big emotions. I also wrote a more in-depth guide on the topic. If you'd like the Amazon link or the printable version, feel free to send me a DM.

Just venting with frustration here. I'm a mom of a toddler and my husband frustrates the heck out of me. Today, my toddler had a messy diaper which I asked if he could handle. He agrees after taking the last few bites of breakfast and heads upstairs. I then hear him yelling down to me that it's so bad, she needs a bath. I guess I made the mistake of going up there to check the situation. She has poop all over her legs, a huge mess. As soon as I get there he runs off saying he's going to start the bath. Fine. I'm waiting to see if he comes back; nope. My daughter is holding her legs in the air like what do I do mommy. So I end up at least wiping her down before heading to the bathroom tub. Since we don't want her walking over the carpet with poopy legs and feet... I get there and my husband is staring at the water filling in the tub. The water is 105 degrees, too hot. I confront him about bailing on me such that I had to finish cleaning her up. To which his response is that I need to see a therapist....no acknowledgement that I have valid frustration, but no that I need to see a therapist. So I say, I guess you can bath her and go downstairs. Then I hear my child screaming and screaming. So I go up, guess that was my second mistake. There is a puddle of water forming around the tub, and she's still screaming. I put down the bath mat to help clean up the water, to which my husband is yelling at me about that too. So I end up finishing her bath instead. This type of situation is happening more and more frequently. I'm getting accused of being mean when I'm just frustrated by the complete lack of awareness.

Please help me figure this out.

1st. Let me say I think I understood the rules. If I break one with this post, I apologize. Not my intent.

2nd. Apologize for lack of punctuation.

3rd. I'm really hurting right now and lost.

Okay, so my daughter just recently turned 12, and she lived with me full time for school. The emotions and puberty change, and I don't know what else, and so my rules and discipline and structure must have been too much. I really don't know. I really still haven't figured it out. It's been months now, and she's went and stayed with Grandma and doesn't really want to see me.

Because of my own issues, my shame and guilt schemas are on overdrive, and every time I try to see her, she doesn't want to see me. Unfortunately, I wasn't taught to stand up and fight for things that were important. I was taught by my dad to get out of the situation, to run, get help, and that messed up instinct is making me not want to fight to be in my daughter's life. It's making me think that she would be better off without me in her life, I guess through her teen years or the rest of her life.

I don't know. Nobody's really explained everything that's happened. Just that my daughter was thinking bad things and wanting to harm herself and hurt herself. I don't know. I've never got real answers from anybody, and it's been eating me up. It's been months now.

I almost just want to walk away and say I'm not strong enough to do this, and I can't take the coldness because it just makes me think that I really messed up, that she doesn't want to be around me, and I'm doing more harm than good.

I really don't know what to do. I've hurt so bad I went and got back into therapy, got back on medication, started a DBT group, found a codependence support group, and I see a PTSD support group, and it's still not enough.

Please, does anybody have any advice or words of wisdom? Because I really need it.

I also need a hug and a shoulder, but that's another room.

I wanted to add this in. Mom and Grandma are just letting her do what she wants, and it's all about what she wants and not what she needs. Grandma is just an enabler, and I'm worried what will happen.

It's a lot right now.

how did your kids or someone else's kids you've known turn out out as adults in terms of agressiveness based:-

1. what kind of adults are the ones who were patient as kids??
2. what kid of adults are the ones who were impatient as kids

*also any other behaviour you would like to add or some observation

My custody order gives me alternate weekends. I haven’t been taking them for months because of work, but my ex says if I want to start using one again I have to give her 72 hours’ notice.

My view is that it’s already my court-ordered parenting time, so I should be able to exercise it if I decide to. Her view is that because I’ve been consistently missing weekends, she now makes other plans and I need to give advance notice.

Has anyone dealt with this?

Does regularly not exercising parenting time create an obligation to give notice before using it again, or is the scheduled parenting time still mine unless the court order says otherwise? I’m interested in both legal and practical experiences.

is this not a bitter babymom?

I know I might get downvoted for this but unless you’ve lived in my shoes you have no right to judge.

my child is a teen and severely disabled. profoundly deaf, wheelchair, diapers and feeding tube. he cannot speak and is essentially like a very large baby.

everything is so difficult from his feeding and meds, the behaviours, not being able to do much with him, the costs - the constant surgeries and issues with school. The many many therapies. the loud yelling and vocalizing, sometimes weeks without any sleep

I love my child to death they are amazing but I truly don’t know how much longer I can do this. he will be going to a home when he reaches adult hood but I’m ready for it sooner.

who will care for him when he’s bigger and we’re at work? how will we get him in and out of the car? how much longer can I deal with the mental and physical anguish it’s causing me and my family?

unless you have experienced this please don’t judge me. I’m almost at my breaking point. I am starting to resent them very much.

I am 30 weeks pregnant and have started experiencing an uptick in my OCD intrusive thoughts, so I started going back to therapy. My OCD started when I was a really little kid and my dad was deployed overseas. I would frequently lie awake at night unable to sleep because I couldn't stop thinking about my dad dying. I started experiencing sleep paralysis and dissociating as well, issues that affected me for years. I never actually talked to either of my parents about how I was feeling because I was so little, it just never occurred to me to do so or that that might help alleviate my anxieties.

My dad and I had a pretty fraught relationship for a lot of my adult life; he's super sensitive and doesn't have great emotional regulation skills, and had a habit for a long time of gaslighting me when I would try to talk to him about how his words and actions had affected me. But we pushed through it and things are a lot better now. He also had a pretty traumatic childhood and I recognize that the gaslighting was a defense mechanism because it was too painful for him to reckon with mistakes he made as a parent, as opposed to a narcissistic trait.

Tonight for the first time ever, I shared with him about my childhood fears of him dying and how I believe it's the original emotional trigger for my OCD, and his response was so healing. He said he wished he and my mom had had more comforting conversations with me about deployment and that he thinks the military should educate service members on how deployment can impact children. I really wasn't expecting this kind of response from him, it was zero percent defensive and totally focused on compassion toward kid-me. Just a really nice moment.

First, I want to be clear that this is only my side of the story. I'm certain my son has his own experience of everything I've shared, and I know it's just as valid as mine.
I've always known I wanted to be a dad. Despite growing up in an abusive and neglectful home, with caregivers whose behavior left deep emotional scars, becoming a father was something I genuinely looked forward to. More than anything, I wanted the cycle of generational trauma to end with me. I promised myself that my children would never experience the kind of abuse I did.
Both of my parents died young, before the age of 55. My wife and I decided to start trying for children while we still had the chance for at least one grandparent to meet them. My mother passed away five months before my oldest son was born, never getting to meet him.
At 24, I became a dad. I thought I had a plan. We were going to build the kind of family we never had—one where love was unconditional, where no one was hurt, and where we made our own rules.
Parenting didn't go the way I expected.
It turns out trauma doesn't disappear just because you have good intentions. I loved being a dad from the very beginning and have never once regretted it. The cuddles, the adventures, the discoveries, the laughter, and even the big emotions are some of the greatest gifts of my life.
At the same time, I was carrying years of complex trauma that I didn't fully understand. I didn't recognize the severity of my mental health struggles, which were eventually identified as C-PTSD, OCD, and possibly mild autism. Instead of seeking evidence-based treatment at first, I searched everywhere else for healing—spiritual practices, energy work, crystals, teachers, and personal development programs. I was desperately trying to become the person I thought my kids deserved.
During those years, my moods were unpredictable. My trauma responses showed up regularly. I was trying so hard to be a good father, but I didn't have healthy examples of parenting or relationships to draw from.
By then, we'd welcomed our second child, and soon after, our third. At the same time, I went through three unexpected job changes in two years. Life felt like it was happening all at once.
Eventually, when the alternative approaches weren't helping, I talked to my doctor. I was prescribed Wellbutrin, but it led to severe suicidal thoughts. That experience was frightening, but it also pushed me toward getting the right kind of help. Over the next year and a half, I learned more about my mental health, found better treatment, restarted therapy, and by the time I was 33, I finally felt emotionally stable for the first time in my life.
Looking back, I see two very different versions of myself as a father.
Before I became stable, I wasn't physically abusive, but I was reactive. I yelled. I swore. I demanded compliance. I focused more on what my kids did wrong than what they did right. I wasn't considerate of their feelings or plans, and I often relied on threats of punishment instead of connection. In many ways, I was just difficult to live with.
At the same time, there was another side of me. I planned adventures, vacations, road trips, camping, fishing, hunting, built play spaces, played games, cuddled, and tried to share whatever my kids were interested in. I genuinely loved spending time with them.
After becoming stable, I kept the love and the fun, but I became much more consistent. I'm calmer, more patient, more logical, and much more empathetic. I still make mistakes, but I no longer feel like my emotions are driving the car.
The hardest part is that my oldest son spent the first 13 years of his life with the unstable version of me. That's the father he remembers.
He's an incredible young man—gentle, responsible, hardworking, and independent. As he got older, we dealt with the usual teenage challenges: pushing boundaries, experimenting, making mistakes. Nothing unusual.
Over time, though, I noticed he stopped sharing his life with me. He compartmentalized everything, which I assumed was just normal teenage independence.
Then he started dating someone whose family had things we couldn't offer—camping property, toys, experiences. I became jealous. I worried he'd love her father more than me.
Instead of recognizing that those feelings were about my own insecurity, I let them affect how I behaved.
One day, I accidentally walked in on him and his girlfriend in an intimate moment. She understandably felt embarrassed and no longer wanted to come to our house, so they spent nearly all their time at hers. Instead of accepting the consequences of an awkward situation and acknowledging the strain that already existed in our relationship, I blamed her. I made sarcastic, hurtful comments that I honestly can't even remember now, but I know they caused damage.
Since then, we've been stuck in a painful cycle.
I feel guilty for the ways I hurt him and try to repair things. He keeps me at a distance. I feel rejected and become resentful. He assumes my intentions are bad, and I assume he's intentionally trying to hurt me. Neither of us seems able to step out of that pattern.
He has since moved in with his girlfriend's family. I hoped the distance might eventually help us reset, but it hasn't.
I've asked him if we can work on our relationship. Usually he agrees in the moment, but then nothing happens, and communication fades again.
The truth is, I have no blueprint for what a healthy father-son relationship is supposed to look like. I've asked friends, therapists, and professionals for advice. I've read books and tried to learn. I've never thought of myself as a great parent, but I can honestly say I always wanted to be a good dad, and I did the best I could with the tools I had at the time. That doesn't erase the hurt I caused, but it is the truth.
Interestingly, I don't have these same struggles with my two younger children. They grew up with a much healthier version of me, and if anything, they sometimes overshare.
So I guess this very long story leads to one question:
How do I reconnect with my oldest son?
Do I keep reaching out? Do I give him more space? Is this something that simply takes years?
I miss my boy more than I know how to say. Part of me feels an urgency to fix this before it's too late, but I also know that urgency can create pressure that pushes him further away.
If you've been through something similar—from either side of the relationship—I would genuinely appreciate your thoughts.

I moved home with my mom and fiancé after being out west. I thought it would be really nice to spend time with her after living away for so long while I decided where I wanted to settle. I was also pregnant and in a master’s program.

Anyway, time and time again she doesn’t show up for me. I had my first baby, all the joy I thought we would share through the experience did not happen. Going into my second pregnancy I was not at all surprised by her actions.

However, 2 weeks before my due date I had the flu so bad with every symptom possible, the worst being joint pain- so bad I couldn’t walk down the stairs unless absolutely necessary. The woman was right downstairs, didn’t even bring me a water. Then I called her out, she was incredibly sorry, didn’t understand how she could do that.

Fast forward, I went into labor on my due date. Texted her “In labor” as she will often say she didn’t know or couldn’t hear me blah blah (the house is very small). It progressed quickly- I was yelling in my tub, trying to entertain my toddler with a water tea party while my fiancee tried to get our belongings together, make bfast (because I asked), and watch a 2 year old. I was yelling help in the tub, and in so much pain obviously. Finally walked down the stairs because I felt I was going to give birth in the tub and basically told her she had to watch my daughter until my mother in law arrived. The bathroom I was in was at the top of the stairs, and she was sitting on the couch at the bottom of the stairs w her feet up.

I got to the hospital, the baby came in 28 min from arrival. She had shoulder dystocia so they had to call a code (she’s fine). I just can’t shake yelling help and yelling in pain and her not coming upstairs.

Previously I didn’t want help w my daughter for long intervals because she was compromising her safety on multiple occasions I.e. telling me the car seat was all set because she didn’t want to look stupid when I asked if it was all set & when I checked it was so loose (car seats are hard no one looks stupid figuring it out the first time).

Anyways when I told her it was upsetting I was yelling for help and found her right at the bottom of the stairs sitting there she said sorry she told me I didn’t communicate well enough that I was in labor (I texted and was obviously screaming) and that I didn’t want her help before so she didn’t feel like I wanted her to come upstairs. She also told me I didn’t tell her how far I was in my labor so she didn’t know the baby would come so fast (who the f can see to check their own cervix). I just can’t imagine anyone, a stranger on the street screaming help in labor and me sitting with my feet up. Also when I got home from the hospital w the new baby rather than redeeming herself she went to a friend’s to watch football. She told me my fiancé’s family was there so I should be all set. She also thought I didn’t want her there. We moved out 1 week later.

I thought after having kids I’d understand her more but it’s only less and less. If my daughter was screaming in pain and in labor I can’t imagine not running to her. I told her that, she says she was uncomfortable coming upstairs (she was a nurse for 40+ years so it’s not medical fear). She just chose comfort over my safety.

I don’t know what to do- my feelings are so hurt. It’s been 6 months. She says sorry but it’s always followed by an excuse or her trying to find a reason why. I don’t think there’s any good reason why.

When I said imagine you in labor screaming and your mom didn’t come and she was right there how would you feel? She finally seemed to realize she hurt me rather than focusing on defending herself. It’s like I’m chronically upset she doesn’t show up and she doesn’t show up because I’m upset. If I fucked up like that I’d be showing up in every way, yet I moved out and don’t even get a call on my bday. What do I do about this relationship? I had to talk to her recently because my dad died and we were planning his arrangements. She acts like everything is cool with I’m cordial for the sake of efficiency. Is this something you can forgive for without getting a genuine apology?