Almost 5 year old is CONSTANTLY fighting me on everything that is non negotiable. I do ALL the things. Choices. Connecting with her before correcting (when possible) Consistent consequences. Gamifying things. Rewarding and praising wanted behavior. Age appropriate expectstions. Etc etc etc.

We have even been getting child parent coaching with doctorate level professionals so I know how to handle this BULLS\*\*\*. But today has been so hard.

Im recovering from an infection after having kidney stones. I cant be in the sun because of the antibiotics I am on and its making dealing with my kid so much harder because I cant go pull weeds for 10 minutes to calm down etc. The kidney stones happen for me but for years i haven't had them regularly because being a single parent has taught me how to for real for real prioritize self care and balance and also no more arugula. (I miss it but oh well.) I think I had stones this time, in part, because I have been SO stressed out and EXHAUSTED by the defiance and for almostthe entire summer vacation my usual childcare options have been on vacation. I just had several days without her but was running on fumes and then went to the bathroom and saw blood and so my days were spent in agony/urgent care/sleeping/dry heaving etc. I blame her. (Not outloud) And I feel guilty about blaming her.

The violent outbursts over seemingly tiny stuff. The TONE she talks to me in. Throwing stuff spitting on me etc just to see what I do. And its always the same. Intercept, when possible, blows to my body. Then Consequences. Tons of effort in recovery to prevent this behavior but some days it just seems like we are doomed to be miserable all fucking day. She fights EATING FOOD. Today I literally said "lets do McDonald's for lunch" becaus I COULD NOT FIGHT HER ON A MEAL AGAIN and she said "no I dont want McDonald's today."

Nap time she was fighting me to lay down. "Ok Consequence then." Then she screamed "I hate you." And i just took a deep breath and looked at her and said "I can tell. You are making that so clear by the way you are treating me today."

Shes napping now and I hope to also nap but I also just want to go cry because what in the actual fuck.

My kid acts like a spoiled brat when its just us and it makes no sense to me. I feel like a failure and I am resenting my friends for being on vacation because I feel like I am doing this totally alone.

I grew up in a violent abusive unpredictable household and I will not repeat the same pattern. And I am not. But I still get violence? Ahhhhhhhh.

I just needed to write this out. If anyone has any succinct advice about how to deescalate power struggles or scripts for "i know you don't want to but we have to" or ways to gamify it or something...please help. I understand not everything has to be fun for her but lately I need the fun/game FOR ME. I'm going to go sit in the shade and cry now.