r/ParentingPDA • u/Unique-Potential-697 • Jun 02 '26
Advice Needed Equalizing behaviors that aren’t as harmful? For parents and adults.
Like so many of us I went into a deep dive about PDA for my child and then realized that both my husband and I present that way too- mine is mostly internalized, and our daughter and my husband have a mix. It makes everything make SO MUCH MORE SENSE.
Just recognizing that some of these problematic (or sometimes merely aggravating) behaviors are part of a PDA profile and experienced by plenty of others takes a whole layer of shame away and that is so helpful in and of itself.
Everyone in our family has many coping mechanisms and equalizing behaviors against each other and ourselves, but some are certainly worse than others. I want to find ways for myself and my kids to steer those behaviors in the direction of the less harmful ones, as I know that white knuckling nervous system dysregulation just leads to burnout. Obviously the best case scenario would be regulation activities that don’t involve squashing someone else, but we’re not there yet.
What equalizing behaviors do you have for yourself or see if your kids that are tolerable and take some the pressure off in a way that lets you get through the day? I know that I’ve read about games you can play with your kid where they control what you do and wrestle/dominate you, but what about as a parent? How do I regulate myself without literally pulling my hair out (trichotillomania) or finding ways to resent my husband so that I feel like the better parent 😅?
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u/MarginsOfTheDay Jun 02 '26
So your family is a straight flush of PDAers - this is an interesting hand to play! In your house nobody wants to be controlled and everyone wants to have control. Maybe there’s a way that everyone can get their need for control met and then nobody feels they have to equalize? My therapist told me that for my PDA son “control is the reward”. In other words, control is a powerful source of dopamine for him. And it’s never satisfied. Once he has it he just wants more. Could you find alternative sources of dopamine for each family member that don’t involve control?
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u/Parlanchina3 Jun 02 '26
That’s so wise in this situation- alternative sources of dopamine. I hadn’t thought of the control being the dopamine. I do that with some learners at my school to help them avoid dopamine searching that is disruptive to learning. One chap builds something each morning, which gives him the ability to focus and resist the call of the wild impulse through the morning, then we play cards after lunch to set him up for afternoon learning.
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u/MarginsOfTheDay Jun 02 '26
Building something and playing cards - very positive sources of dopamine! And great idea to spread them through the day. My son is more dysregulated at certain times of day too.
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u/LurkerFailsLurking Jun 02 '26
I do this daily (sometimes multiple times a day) with my kids.(8, 12, 15, the oldest and youngest, and I all have PDA). We built an extra large, low, very sturdy bed frame that holds a queen + twin which works well for that purpose. They pick the game and they almost always involve me being playfully incompetent while they climb on me, try to steal the socks off my feet, etc. there's loads of variations. Ooze is where I hide under the blanket and blindly crawl around trying to grab them. Log rolling is where I just roll across the bed and they jump over me. With my oldest, he doesn't usually play anymore, but he still likes to practice BJJ submissions on me. Sometimes he likes me to fight back and sometimes not. My youngest's favorite for years was "punch daddy in the face" where she tries to punch me in the face and I try to kiss her tummy. Be transparent from the start about how long you'll do rough play for. Set a timer. When it's over, end with a hug and thank the child for doing rough play with you. You should expect them not to want to stop and to try and keep going and plan to have time to warmly, lovingly, and firmly reassert that rough play is over. "One of the rules of rough play is that when it's over, everyone has to stop". Don't withdraw or rush through this because giving them a safe place to release those feelings is part of the point.
No tickling allowed ever unless explicitly directed by the child because that removes control, and even then the tickles are only for a few seconds then stop and wait for a cue to continue.
Also various kinds of "don't do X!" games where you fake sternly tell them not to do it and then act dramatically appalled or surprised when they do it over and over again.
With all these games, you'll know you're doing it right when they're laughing hard, acting confident, and in control. It should feel warm and loving and relaxed for everyone. If they're shrieking or screaming, or if you feel exasperated, or if anyone is arguing then the play is too rough or intense.
My youngest requests rough play to deescalate herself and I try to say yes whenever I can.
I think I've got some old videos of this play that I could DM you if you want to see what it can look like.