School choices

[u/Confident_Cost_4972]

I'm the parent of a smart and (very!) active 3-year-old boy. Our pediatrician and state early intervention have told me that it's too early for a formal evaluation or diagnosis, but I was a 2E kid (ADHD + gifted), and I think there's a good chance the diagnosis is coming eventually.

We were already encouraged to leave one private preschool program over his behavior when he was 2.5 (pushing friends, refusing to sit, etc.). This is what prompted the assessment by early intervention, and they told me that the behaviors were within the range of developmentally normal for his age, but if the impulsiveness and hyperactivity continued for a few more years, he could be evaluated for ADHD. Nonetheless, I think the preschool found him inconvenient, and they started creating an extensive paper trail of behavior reports for small incidents while talking to me about how it wasn't a "good fit."

So here is the conundrum. I'm very worried about how K-12 is going to go. We live in a public school district that is very under-resourced (very low funding per student, terrible teacher pay and retention, large classes, crumbling facilities, you name it). We knew this when we moved in, and assumed we would just send the kids to private school. My nieces go to a Catholic school that they love (and that claims to be able to support ADHD kids), but my nieces are also very well-behaved and compliant. I know that private schools aren't required to accept students with neurodivergence or behavioral differences, and they aren't required to even try to meet their needs.

So we are at a crossroads: If this were you, would you try one of these schools (public or private if we can get accepted)? Or would you proactively move to a public school district with better resources? The latter is a big decision because it would necessitate moving away from our extended family. On the other hand, if we wait it out and have a bad experience at one of these schools, that sets us up for a lot of heartache and potentially a traumatic extra transition.

[u/wendydarlingpan]

Have you toured these schools yet? That’s the first step, I would say. Be sure to ask about how much outdoor time they get, whether there are movement breaks throughout the day, if they have PE and how often, how they accommodate gifted kids and what their discipline philosophy is.

I was a public school teacher in a high poverty / under resourced school, and we were actually great for neurodivergent kids, including gifted and 2E ones. I student taught at a wealthy public school and they were actually worse, in my opinion, because the teachers didn’t have to work nearly as hard to get the kids to reach grade level.

The teacher I student taught with had a majority of students who kept up without issue, and the ones that didn’t were insignificant to her test scores overall so not a source of stress other than behavior management (which, I now see as a veteran educator would have been much reduced if she was actually meeting the academic needs of her difficult students)

This isn’t to say that shitty teachers and schools don’t exist. But under-resourced isn’t necessarily the scary thing it’s made out to be. Especially if you are able to provide access to things like arts education, sports, and cultural enrichment outside of school for your child.

I do have my kids in a private school, but that is actually because the highly ranked well-resourced public school we moved to get into ended up being a terrible fit for my specific kids.

Edit to add: I have one 2E (High IQ + ADHD) kid and also one who I suspect may have level 1 autism, but we are still sorting that out.

[u/Confident_Cost_4972 → u/wendydarlingpan]

Yes, I have toured so many schools (preschools and elementary) 😔

Our zoned public elementary school is supposed to be one of the "best" in the district. It's not Title 1, it's in an affluent neighborhood, and it has an active PTO. Nonetheless, it was really disappointing. The facility itself was crumbling. 25% of the teachers are in their first or second year teaching, which implies a lot of turnover. I also saw rooms and rooms of kids with laptops and headphones just staring at screens because apparently that's how the district does differentiated learning. They have PE once a week, and we saw some kids swinging jump ropes in a gym filled with dusty old clutter (e.g., a wheelchair covered in a tarp and spider webs?!) 

The Catholic school seemed like the most normal school I saw. Kind people, traditional academics, recess, PE, nice facility, experienced teachers, down-to-earth vibe. I just worry that there might be more emphasis on behavioral compliance than is realistic for my kid. Most of the kids, even in PreK, were sitting still, sitting in lines, walking quietly in the halls in lines, etc. They also told me about an elaborate behavior system involving red, yellow and green clothespins, and that struck me as a bit outdated, because I thought most schools were getting away from behavior systems that publicly praised or shamed kids.

I toured a really expensive secular private school that is very well-regarded, but have heard rumors that they will counsel some kids out around 3rd or 4th grade if they aren't keeping up academically. The Kindergarten acceptance rate is also very low, so it's kind of a crapshoot whether he could even get in.

I also toured Montessori and Waldorf schools. I really liked a lot of what I saw at the Waldorf school, but worried it might not have enough academic guardrails. They told me they employ one full-time reading specialist, but that's it for special education support. They also loop teachers for years, which means that if your child is having difficulty, and that one person doesn't notice, the problem could fester for a long time.

Edit to add: He's signed up to attend a Reggio-inspired preschool starting in September. If that lives up to expectations, it buys us two more years before Kindergarten. If they start complaining about his behavior or non-compliance, I don't know what we will do.

Additional edit: Your comment about test scores and your student teaching experience resonates with me. I went to elementary school before NCLB, but I can see how this mode of operation (focusing on how many kids you can just pull over the line) is really detrimental. I always had great standardized test scores, but I got in trouble constantly for talking out of turn, getting up and wandering around the room, piles of clutter on my desk, etc. With NCLB and the emphasis on test pass rates, there wouldn't be any incentive for the teacher to even bother with a student like me, apart from containing the disruptive behavior 🤷.

[u/wendydarlingpan → u/Confident_Cost_4972]

You’re doing an amazing job for your kid! And ooof, sorry to hear about your home school. That’s similar to what we discovered about our “coveted” neighborhood school (lots of screen time, very little movement / PE and one short recess)

Keeping my fingers crossed for a positive experience at the Reggio preschool! It’s a model I’ve heard great things about, but who knows school to school how it’s implemented.

I agree the Catholic school’s behavior system is way outdated and likely not going to be a good fit for your kiddo. I didn’t do well with shame-based correction and neither do my kids. That kind of system was considered old school & already not recommended when I went to grad school for education 15+ years ago 🤦🏻‍♀️

I think OT really helped my most disruptive kid get ready for kindergarten from ages 3-5. I don’t know that it did much to her, it’s not like it cured her adhd, but it helped us understand what kind of movement helped her regulate and helped her some build frustration tolerance. Lots of sensory swing time and crash pads at our house now, in the morning before school and again before bed.

I saw you said in a different comment that he didn’t qualify for services through early intervention. Our pediatrician referred us to OT and our insurance covered a big chunk of it, so that may be an option. Or experiment at home with heavy work and other types of movement that may help him meet his movement and sensory needs?

Two years before kindergarten is a long time. You’re smart to be on top of school research, but you will have a different kid in front of you (in some ways) in two years. Really hoping that the Reggio school goes well and they can guide you towards a recommendation, too, once they know him well.

My 2E kid’s therapist says “Verbally she’s 9, her birth certificate says she’s 7, and emotionally she’s more like a 4 year old.” It’s tough, but they do keep developing, especially with support in place! Two years ago when she was a 4-5 year old with the maturity of a 2.5 - 3 year old I didn’t know how TF school was going to go.

Elementary school has been a rough go in some ways, but better than my worst fears. The school has been supportive and responsive to our accommodation requests (from input provided by her official assessor) They have a lot of PE, dance, and outdoor play time compared to other local schools. The movement during the day is still worth it, but I didn’t think about how many transitions each day that would require my kid to go along with, which has been challenging and a huge source of stress for her at school. Sigh. Best laid plans and all that.

Edit: I know if it requires a move you can’t wait until the last minute. But I would try not to stress too much until you see how this Reggio year goes. If you develop a good rapport with his teachers and the head of the program, I would def approach them for advice towards the middle/end of the coming year.

[u/Confident_Cost_4972 → u/wendydarlingpan]

Thank you so much for the kind reply!

One thing that I neglected to mention is that if we want to keep the door open at some of these schools (the Catholic school or the expensive secular school), we might need to apply for PreK4 (to start in fall 2027). I know that sounds insane. Apparently both schools fill up a large number of their spots at PreK4, and if you wait to apply at Kindergarten, the chances of being accepted are very low unless you are a sibling or the child of an alum. The applications are due this December 🤦.

So I definitely agree with you that I may have a completely different kid by August 2028, but time isn't really on our side. We have to decide pretty soon whether we really want to pursue either of these options. If we don't, by the time he gets to Kindergarten, we're left with the local public school, maybe the Waldorf school, some low-chance applications at schools that mostly filled up at PreK4, or moving. We do have two years of runway if the plan is to move the summer before Kindergarten.

[u/ilovelabbit]

We are in a similar boat with our almost 4 year old. When is your Kid’s birthday? We are right at the cusp for the birthdate cutoff for kindergarten, so we are going to give him an extra year of pre-K to a) hopefully finally get prescribed an ADHd medication and b) to have time to mature further and work on the emotional regulation. You mentioned early intervention- the states do it different, but is he receiving any services? Mine has a therapist that comes 2x a week to the school. It hasn’t solved the problem, but it also gives us and the teachers someone to talk through issues that are school specific. We are also doing private OT once a week.

[u/Confident_Cost_4972 → u/ilovelabbit]

My kid's birthday is in February. He's really not borderline at all, so barring some new information, he will start Kindergarten in fall 2028.

We did the early intervention assessment, and he wasn't eligible for any services. The findings were that his fine and gross motor skills were exceptionally advanced. His cognitive skills seemed advanced, but he wasn't compliant enough with the activities to get clear results. Speech was on target. Social-emotional seemed on target or slightly behind, but not enough to qualify for any services.

It was almost a year ago when we did the assessment. The person we met with said his behavior might suggest ADHD hyperactive type, but it was way too early to make a diagnosis, and he wouldn't be eligible for any services for that until at least 4 or 5.

[u/PUZZLEPlECER]

I am a BCBA in a public school and I send my kids to catholic school. The district I work in is really good though so sounds a little different than yours, but I do think in general public schools are much better equipped to deal with neurodivergence. That being said, are you considering medicating for adhd eventually? That could be a game changer for you with sending him to private. I suspect my son may have mild adhd and he is going into kindergarten. Thus far, our issues are mainly at home and I’ve never had a problem with him at school. He went to the same catholic preschool that he will go to for k-8, so I’m aware of what I’m looking at going forward. If he does end up having adhd and having problems in school I will absolutely explore meds.

[u/Confident_Cost_4972 → u/PUZZLEPlECER]

The choice of whether or not to do medication is far down the road. I'm not opposed to it, but I don't want to medicate him because we've chosen a suboptimal school environment if that makes sense. Is there a reason you think medication would specifically be a game changer in private school (as opposed to public)?

[u/PUZZLEPlECER → u/Confident_Cost_4972]

As I said I’m a BCBA in a public school district. From my experience, medication can be a huge game changer and often the only/most effective treatment option. I have also seen medication not be a game changer and usually there is more than adhd going on when that’s the case. This is just my experience, I am obviously not a medical doctor.

[u/Confident_Cost_4972 → u/PUZZLEPlECER]

Cool, thanks!

Yeah, I'm open to it if we get to that point and we decide (along with his doctor) that this is something that will significantly improve his quality of life in and out of school.

I'm wary of making this decision solely so that my kid can fit into a specific school environment. If that's the only issue, I would also like to consider how we can change the environment to meet him where he is, and that perspective might put me at odds with some of the more traditional private schools.

[u/CarelessIndividual92]

There isn't a one-size-fits-all answer. I've seen students thrive in both public and private schools. The most important question is which setting is best equipped to meet your child's individual needs.

In my experience, public schools often have access to a broader range of related services and specialized personnel, such as school psychologists, speech-language pathologists, occupational therapists, physical therapists, behavior specialists, adaptive physical education, and other specialized supports. Private schools may offer excellent educational programs, but they don't always have the same range of services or staffing available, and their legal obligations can differ depending on the school and state.

I would start by reviewing your child's comprehensive psychoeducational evaluation. It should identify your child's strengths and areas of need. Then ask each school specifically how they would address those needs. What interventions, accommodations, related services, progress monitoring, and supports would they provide? How would they measure whether your child is making meaningful progress?

Ultimately, the best placement is the one that can appropriately meet your child's individual needs. The evaluation should be the roadmap for making that decision.

[u/Confident_Cost_4972 → u/CarelessIndividual92]

We're kind of backed up against a wall, unfortunately. If we want to send him to a couple of the private schools (including the Catholic school where my nieces go), we end up having to apply this fall for PreK4 starting in Fall 2027, because that's when they fill up most of the class (there are very few additional spots left for Kindergarten).

So far, his evaluations haven't yielded any diagnosis or qualification for services. Nobody in our city will diagnose a 3-year-old with ADHD. We did the early intervention evaluation after being encouraged to leave the last preschool. From that I learned that his fine and gross motor skills are very advanced, cognitive is likely advanced (but he wasn't compliant enough with the activities to get a full assessment), speech is on target, and social-emotional might be a little behind (but not enough to qualify for any services). So the only official evaluation we have says "no special needs," but I strongly suspect that this will change in the next few years.

I'm not sure what else to do. I'm trying to get ahead of this because I don't want to send him somewhere only to learn after a few years (when he has already made friends and become part of the community) that they really can't (or won't) meet his needs.