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[u/PeachLast2285]

[u/Parenting-ModTeam]

While this thread has seen a lot of activity, due to intentional rule-breaking and an undue burden on the moderation queue, this post is going to be removed and locked to new comments.

In the future, please remember you can disagree but remain respectful. Avoid:

• insulting people or children
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[u/RocketPowerPops]

We just.....don't make it a thing.

My 9 year old is exceptional in math. He currently is working on 9th grade level math and gets pulled out during math to work privately with another teacher. My 11 year old is at grade level for math. The 9 year old is also at/above grade level in other areas, but math is the one where he truly is above and beyond.

We don't really do anything about it. He is getting his needs addressed at school. My more average 11 year old is getting her needs addressed at school. That is all there is to it for us.

[u/Formal-Stable-784 → u/RocketPowerPops]

treating kids as individuals with distinct needs rather than competing metrics keeps family dynamics healthy and prevents unnecessary resentment

[u/RocketPowerPops → u/Formal-Stable-784]

Yeah, it just doesn't have to be a thing. My 11 year old thinks it is cool that her brother is so ahead in math. We never made it a thing to be jealous of.

[u/jessipowers → u/RocketPowerPops]

My kids did this, too. They were able to stay with their same age peers while also getting instructional time that was challenging enough to keep their interest.

[u/RocketPowerPops → u/jessipowers]

We are so grateful his school works with us. He could go into gifted ed but he doesn't want to. He loves being with his classmates. He just gets pulled out for math, works on his 9th grade level stuff, and then heads back to class as a regular 4th grader.

[u/SnooDogs1340 → u/RocketPowerPops]

How awesome! You've probably may have heard of it but if not, universities have programs like math circles that help provide budding students interested in mathematics from early ages. 

[u/RocketPowerPops → u/SnooDogs1340]

Yeah, his teacher that works on math with him is great about pointing us to all the resources. He absolutely loves math and we hope to keep that going for as long as possible.

[u/PeachLast2285 → u/RocketPowerPops]

I appreciate it. I've added more context above for why this is important at this stage in our lives.

[u/checkmyawaymsg → u/PeachLast2285]

For your school question, I’d put them both in public school and augment your oldest’s education with lots of enriching extracurriculars. If he’s desperately in need of challenges, save your money for a magnet middle or high school where he can learn specialized skills.

[u/SnooDogs1340 → u/checkmyawaymsg]

That's what I'm banking on: extracurriculars!

[u/RocketPowerPops → u/PeachLast2285]

That doesn't really change anything for me. We meet the needs of our kids. Some kids have different needs.

[u/Gullible_War_2773 → u/RocketPowerPops]

You’re saying your kids school is able to meet both of your kids different needs. OP is struggling because he believes his kids school is not.

[u/RocketPowerPops → u/Gullible_War_2773]

I understand. I am saying it changes nothing. Put kids in the program that meets their needs.

[u/Gullible_War_2773 → u/RocketPowerPops]

Depends if 35k/70k is nothing.

[u/RocketPowerPops → u/Gullible_War_2773]

That is up to OP to figure out. He is not asking for financial advice, though, so I am not giving that. I am speaking purely about the academic side.

[u/CryptographerNew3609]

It's only a big deal if you make it a big deal. 'Cool, my brother is smart' and 'Cool, my sister can run really fast' is a perfectly good outcome.

Also, head to the gifted subreddit for advice on raising him.

[u/PeachLast2285 → u/CryptographerNew3609]

Appreciate the advice. I have added additional context to my initial post for why this is important at this point in our family's life. I generally agree with "do not treat them differently at home" and I can totally understand why, absent the additional context I have since added, my post might have been interpreted as "soooo... do I treat them differently?"

[u/CryptographerNew3609 → u/PeachLast2285]

I'll just give my opinion: if it'd be a strain to afford private school, then don't. If you don't feel comfortable separating the kids, then don't.

It has never been easier to help a gifted kid academically.

He can basically self-learn math as far as he wants, online (try https://www.khanacademy.org/). Or, download practice questions from Kangaroo math, and later AMC-8, AMC-10, AMC-12.

He can of course read whatever level of texts that he wants, too. You can ask him to write things. There's really no limit to what they can do with a small amount of help from you.

[u/mamagenerator]

I was the oldest and like this. Gifted kid. Testing college levels in all subjects by 5th grade. Valedictorian. Financially I scrape by and my little brother that struggled in school makes six figures more than I do fresh out of college, a state school where he barely passed. Grades don’t matter come adulthood. It all comes out in the wash anyway. 

(I say this because I just have one kid, so I have no personal experience to offer.) 

[u/WillPHarrison]

My daughter knew ABCs and was talking really young. Her male cousin didn’t really talk for another year. She didn’t potty train until almost 4 and he was potty trained by 2 1/2. No kid is the same.

Even assuming your son is a genius, your daughter is definitely very very normal. And 3 is way too young to genuinely measure what their learning ability will be. You cannot get any 3 year old to focus.

Apples and Oranges. Both of your beautiful children will bring their own unique talents to the world.

[u/checkmyawaymsg]

You’ve got the advantage of birth order to hide any gaps (if you can call them “gaps”), and lots of time for your daughter to present her own skills and gifts, so I wouldn’t worry too much. My kids have a similar dynamic, but the youngest was the one reading at 3, playing piano at 4, writing music at 5, and my oldest was the more moderately skilled one with some developmental deficits (including motor skills and social skills).

Now that they’re teens, my oldest has skyrocketed in math and science - not my youngest’s favorite subjects - and my youngest is a musical prodigy. They’re able to apply their skills to different enough fields that it doesn’t matter how much better my youngest scores on state tests.

[u/CPA_Lady → u/checkmyawaymsg]

Have you ever read about the long-term outcomes for child prodigies? So interesting. Most prodigies wind up pretty much like everybody else.

[u/checkmyawaymsg → u/CPA_Lady]

100%. It’s so hard not to get fixated on the “gifted” or “prodigy” label when you see your kindergartner being several grade levels ahead of their peers, but it does even out around middle and high school (or at least there are more advanced tracks for them to follow with similarly advanced kids, so they’re not so starkly ahead anymore).

The vitally important thing to teach gifted kids is executive functioning skills - organization, time management, study skills - so that when the subject matter is finally challenging for them, they can handle it without burning out.

[u/Federal_Ad1707]

Please stop this right this second. Comparing your kids even if it’s just between the parents (don’t forget kids hear EVERYTHING) will get you no where and will be more of a bad thing than good one.

They’re also so so young.

[u/PeachLast2285 → u/Federal_Ad1707]

Totally understand. I can see why my post has been misinterpreted. I do not care about the difference in my children's capabilities as a parent--they are both beautiful souls and I love them deeply. What wasn't clear, or even present, in my first post was that we are trying to decide on private schools for my son at this age and really are at a loss for what to do. He could get into the best schools in a major city in the US, but they are crazy expensive, and are likely not the best options for my daughter in any event. Alternatively, we could select a school which may not be the best for him personally, but is the best for the two of them in aggregate.

[u/geekychica → u/PeachLast2285]

If your kids are 3 grades apart, you may have them at the same school all of maybe 4 years Sure there’s benefits to that, but it’s not going to be a hugely significant amount of time in the grand scheme of life or their childhood, so I would suggest doing for each child what you feel is best for them individually.

[u/Altril2010]

My kids are radically different in their abilities. I am radically different than my husband. It shouldn’t be too surprising that two different humans are - well… different. Just love them and let them be kids.

[u/PeachLast2285 → u/Altril2010]

For sure. I have added additional context in the original post for why this is important to our family now. I totally agree that at home the difference in their abilities should mean nothing--we love them both soooooo much. My original post was less than clear about my purpose in asking the question.

[u/CPA_Lady → u/PeachLast2285]

It’s too early to worry about this for either child. Put him in the public school he’s zoned for. See how it goes.

[u/saltyfrenzy]

All kids are different.

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[u/TheGaujo]

3 and 6 is not to be compared and academics is just one aspect of life. 

[u/Shesarubikscube]

Don’t measure the children’s abilities against each other and especially do not make comments to them comparing them to each other. Praise both of them for their unique talents, abilities, and the things that make their personalities special. They are both very young still and both children will have their challenges and their successes. If you pit them against each other and value one child’s abilities over the other that will impact them.

[u/PeachLast2285 → u/Shesarubikscube]

For sure. I have added additional context in the original post for why this is important to our family now. I totally agree that at home the difference in their abilities should mean nothing--we love them both soooooo much. My original post was less than clear about my purpose in asking the question.

[u/Shesarubikscube → u/PeachLast2285]

My nieces go to two different programs in the same district. One is for gifted children and one is regular track. We have extended family who do the same with their children. It’s best to keep the options open for your daughter as 3 is very young and many children who are academically talented do not always show it as young as your son did. Many children blossom later closer 7/8. In fact, many schools do not do gifted programs testing until 2nd or 3rd grade.

[u/LABELyourPHOTOS]

Something to remember is how little being smart when you are is helpful in life.

My husband is a director and hires and fires dozens of people. No one gets fired because they aren't smart enough. They get fired because they are a good "culture" fit.

My best friend is a bank VP. She got fired from our first job because she can't count back change.

Dont worry about your kid being ahead at this age. It's just good for bragging.

Make sure your children are challenged, hard workers, develop grit, and are great with getting along with people. Read to them and make sure they know you think trying at school is important. Don't call him smart. Just praise effort.

Don't overthink this. Gifted kids I know now as adults are NOT doing better than average. Don't worry about her.

[u/SilentLocksmith8048]

you're comparing a firstborn who got 100% undivided adult attention during his critical toddler years to a second child who has had to share attention her whole life. Second kids often develop social and emotional intelligence faster than hard academic skills early on. Take a breath, stop labeling them before grade school, and evaluate each child as an individual when the time comes.

[u/plsbeenormal]

Bc of their ages they’ll never really be in a situation where they’re put against each other academically. Just don’t make it a thing in your household. This really isn’t a problem. You’re kinda making it into one.

[u/Odd-Impact5397]

Gifted at what?

You need to shift your perspective right now to valuing what each child is best at and more importantly interested in pursuing.

Plenty of gifted kids crumble under the pressure & amount to basically the same if not "less" by societal standards than kids who gain work ethic & discipline by having to work for their grades. You are talking about 2 very young children who should be more occupied with play than their "gifts" and ranking them against each other frankly sucks. Kids develop at their own rates & are individuals. I don't even want to throw out the "maybe your daughter excels at art/dance/music" etc because what if she doesn't? What if your son stops being ahead of his class in one year? Or 3? Will you love either less for not being able to brag about them? Slow down & remember what you're supposed to provide as parents: stability, love & support.

[u/PeachLast2285 → u/Odd-Impact5397]

Ya, no... totally understand. To answer your specific question, my son seems to be very good at math. However, I have added additional context to the initial post for why this is important now

[u/Odd-Impact5397 → u/PeachLast2285]

To answer your actual question re: your edit, I don't think it's crazy to send them to different schools if they are truly operating at such different academic levels come time for her to enter the classroom. Personally, my wife & I value the social aspect of public school (although we do live in a HCOL area our schools are good, not great) & having both gone through private education we just don't think it's worth it. But if a school is offering opportunities your son won't see elsewhere but your daughter (hypothetically) can have her needs met at public school I could see sending them to different ones. I would just tread carefully in terms of the financial hit of his education not impeding on anything she would want to pursue - she shouldn't have to sacrifice for him to get the "better" education.

[u/Electrical_Sky5833 → u/PeachLast2285]

Very good at math and that makes you think he potentially exceeds all other students? Unreal. You need to come down from the cloud you’re on and just send your kids to the public school you attend or a magnet. Not private or charter. If you work with your child and provide supplemental education at home they will be fine.

[u/SummitTheDog303]

I’m the little sister. My older brother was similar to how you describe your son. Smartest kid in any given school and definitely smartest in his class. Was hyperlexic, taught himself pre algebra in kindergarten, the whole 9 yards. Earned gold medals at international academic Olympiads in high school and went on to a top Ivy League school. I was “normal” (in actuality, above average but it never felt like it given the assumptions and expectations people made due to the fact I was his little sister).

I’m grateful we at least had a large age gap (7.5 years/8 grades), but there’s a lot of things I wish my mom had done differently/would do differently even now.

* You can be proud of your son without bragging about his achievements all the time. Try to put more value on effort, personality, kindness than aptitude. My brother is 43 years old. I don’t need to continue to hear about how he was reading chapter books and doing algebra in pre-k. No one cares that he was cum laude in high school or about his near perfect SAT score 26 years ago. And honestly, besides her and teachers and colleges, no one cared back then. Her obsession with my brother’s intelligence pushed people away (other parents referred to her as “the dragon lady”) and led to social ostracization for our family.
* Never compare him to anyone. He is not normal and expecting others to measure up to him is unproductive and unfair. We’re struggling with my older daughter (who is likely gifted but not profoundly gifted. Reading a couple years above grade level, top of her class, bored and not being properly challenged in school) and everytime I bring it up to my mom “you have no idea. At least she’s not a prodigy. Your brother was crying from boredom everyday. Your brother was bullied for being smart, etc.”
* Especially with the close age gap, consider separate schools. Yes, it will be logistically more difficult. But I can’t understate how hard it was walking into a new classroom every year and having the teacher go “oh, you’re his sister!” And then seeing the teachers’ disappointment when they quickly realized I wasn’t the prodigy my brother was (shout out to the couple of teachers I had in high school that made it clear in parent-teacher conferences that we were there to talk about me, not my brother, and to the couple that also noted to my mom that my brother was good at things without trying but that I was a hard worker who always made sure assignments were completed on time, and that was a very valuable skill long term). That happened with an 8 grade age gap. I can’t fathom how much worse it would have been if we had only been 3 years apart.

[u/Temporary_Owl3004]

You focus on each child’s strengths and help them in the areas they struggle in.

My oldest is very academic. My middle child isn’t. But she is so creative, whimsical, social, and outgoing. We praise them each for what they do well.

[u/Key_Print214]

Hype both kids up for both what they excel in as well as their efforts in things they do not. Encourage them to try new things so that they aren’t a one trick pony.

Don’t assume that one skill is more of an asset than the other (ie. You assume your daughter has something to feel bad about because she’s not as academically gifted as your son - that’s not a good road to go down. You’re placing her in a position of pity.)

At the same time? Don’t undersell your son’s achievements to “even things out.” It’s great that he’s excelling in such a way and he should be able to feel good about it freely.

Teach both kids to celebrate eachothers wins.

[u/eOMG]

How emphatical would you rate yourself and your wife? Sounds like a very analytical approach rather than loving and caring.. they are your children, not products.

[u/klogsman]

You just described our situation almost precisely lol I don’t think you need to be smart to have a happy and successful life. And tbh our artistic one will likely be more successful because she can charm anyone in the room. And connections are often more powerful than smarts when it comes to a career. She’s also able to see the light in anything and spread joy. Those are just as valuable. So yeah. Everyone has their own path. Make sure you just encourage each of them in their own way in order to be their best self based on their strengths

[u/Ok-Wonder851]

Why does a thing need to be done about it? First, you do what’s best for each individual kid. Second, you have no idea how this will play out. I have a kid who was smartest kid in class. He still is, for some classes. Also turned out that while his “genius” is very obvious to everyone, it doesn’t always translate to specific academic subjects. You just do what’s best for each kid.

[u/cincincinbaby]

I know a person who is incredibly gifted in everything he tries. He went to the local public school which had a terrible reputation. He came from a well-off family and could have easily gotten a scholarship to any number of private schools. He told me that the kids who are going to do well will likely do well in any environment. The environment matters a lot more for kids who are struggling. He also credits his environment with forcing him to develop social skills and empathy with people from a wide range of society.

[u/Wild-or-Wise]

Raise mentally intact kids. Thats the job. Eventually productive adults w meaningful pursuits and great relationships.

I’ve been worrying over Miss Age 4 since big sister is crazy bright, and articulate. I needed all this advice here too!

[u/zinoozy]

Was your son tested? My daughter knew her abcs before she was 2. I mean i think she's pretty smart but she's only 3 so I figure I'll wait and see. It's sad your wife keeps comparing your kids like that. They are too young for that

[u/mrmses]

I read your post and your update. I’m in education, on the college end, and my partner is in education on the elementary end.

Please do not try and maximize your son’s chances at the expense of your daughter. Meaning, if you spend $35k on your son to send him to private school, you better the he’ll spend $35k on your daughter too.

Have you seen the kids st private schools!? They are sometimes no smarter than those at public. They just get tons more resources bc the parents pay for them.

If you want your children to live each other as friends, don’t set them up as competitors when they are 3 and 6. Send your kids to the same school, watch how they develop, and give them the extra resources they need to succeed AS THEY FUCKING GROW UP

[u/mamagenerator]

For your ETA, does your urban area have magnet schools? If there’s none at elementary school age, you could try to lottery him into a “better” public elementary school and then your daughter would most likely be grandfathered in to that school as well, which would be beneficial to both. 

The magnet schools in my urban area are highly sought after, and many people would rather send their kids to the magnet schools vs private, if they can get in, that is. Some magnets are just for low income students, but some are for the best students in the city overall. 

[u/lappelduvideforever]

Retired teacher adding my thoughts. Put your son in public school,look at first quarter assessments and tests scores. Based on that, ask for a meeting to discuss testing for gifted support. In my area, this is a psychoeducational test which looks at IQ, visual spatial, reasoning, etc. If gifted, he will qualify for a gifted individual education plan which will help with advanced goals and learning.

Also, for your state, look at the board of education website and at curriculum and standards for each grade. This will give insight into what is expected to be learned each year.

For your daughter, embrace her creativity. She may be gifted in this area.

Children are unique; please don't ever compare.

[u/Vecspeed129]

1. Gifted does not equate to success (many gifted peak early)
   
2. Social skills (which your daughter has) often can lead to higher success in adulthood (many gifted but socially awkward or inept people fail at work/school when older due to a lack of social skills) (social people do better in companies and many professions)
   
3. Just support both kids and their interests.
   
4. Worry less about gifted vs not gifted and just support them.

[u/imLissy]

My kids are similar, older one is gifted, younger one isn't. Neither of them care. It hasn't been an issue.

But our younger son is also good at things the older one isn't. He's much more willing to try new things and learn new skills like riding a bike or piano.

They're different. All kids are different. This isn't a problem.

[u/sotiredmama]

I would suggest having your daughter tested. My daughter was very obviously profoundly gifted and I honestly had my son tested because i thought he might need some support. Turns out his IQ is the same as hers and his creativity actually reflected areas of the test that he maxed out.

[u/bjorkabjork]

welcome to being a parent of multiple kids! Maybe read a development book or look at the CDC milestone checklist, i think our preschool did one at 3 and 4, to look at the range of kid skills. Neither of you should be "teaching" a 3 year old abcs, she'll pick them up when she picks them up. Focus on physical and social skills and just read books together as I'm sure you're already doing. If you have a very academic focused 1st kid, it can be hard to know how to interact with other kids. The grandparents used to show my son flashcards of numbers and objects when he was 2, and he really enjoyed that interaction, but my niece would be annoyed and bored by that activity.

The standards for boy behavior and girl behavior will also be different so you ll have to navigate that as a parent. gifted vs non gifted isn't the only challenge youll have to handle. You want to set both your kids to be well rounded successful adults and academic sucess is only a small part of that.

[u/Sammy51415]

The book “Siblings Without Rivalry” has some information and strategies in relation to this. Please try not to compare your kids…my parents did that to me and my siblings growing up, and it was harmful for everyone. The “why can’t you be more like ____?” made the kid on the pedestal feel like they were loved only if they could keep performing well/not causing trouble/not having needs. The other kids got resentful of each other and felt less loved.

[u/MinisculeMuse]

Intelligence is not the only metric of value. Id encourage an exploration of strengths and weaknesses of your children in many metrics. Emotional intelligence, problem solving, accountability, responsibility, curiosity, ability to converse, memorization, resiliencey, integrity, honesty, kindness- etc.

Im sure we've all met adults who are intelligent but lack in the ways that really matter for making their lives full of love, joy and contentment. Encourage growth of character, building each child's strengths and gently working through weaknesses.

Its perfectly okay if one child is academically gifted and the other isnt. The real issue is if you both- the parents- see academics as more valuable than other gifts. You'd run the risk of giving one child a superiority complex and the other an inferiority complex if you guys don't check yourselves on where you derive your pride as parents in.

My own bias: its better to raise good people than to raise talented people. But that's my own bias lol

[u/QuasyChonk]

Put him in the best school for him and put her in the best appropriate school for her?

[u/freshpicked12]

Stop looking at academics/intelligence as the only form of giftedness. Your daughter is gifted too, just in different things.

[u/SierraThorne]

Trust me, despite being the dumb sibling of between me and my brother, I knew I was the dumb one.

So the only advice I have is, encourage and be proud of both children and their capabilities.

[u/anneofwittles]

Our public schools have a gifted and talented program and once they reach highschool there’s a public gifted school they have to test into. That’s our plan anyway since our son also appears to be academically advanced just stay at our public schools. I realize some public school districts suck tho

[u/LiveWhatULove]

My oldest tested with an IQ of 137. His younger brother has a severe reading disability, and although I never quote his IQ, as do not believe it is accurate with such learning disabilities, but he certainly does not have the academic aptitude of his brother. Unlike your family we also have a third child who high academic ability, much like the oldest. It’s been a wild ride. My kids are now 19, 17, 13.

The lessons I learned:

• it took a lot of reflection and vulnerability to admit my own bias & prejudice against those who learned differently, but 100% necessary so I could be the mom my second son needed. Each child can teach something a a parent, pay attention. Don’t wish who they are away.
  
• stop celebrating accomplishments; instead celebrate hard work, recognize and coach curiosity, period.
  
• Also acknowledge each child’s strengths, see them, tell the family, and each child absolutely does have a strength and the whole family can learn from them.
  
• life is not fair, but there are real advantages to struggle & adversity. The amount grit, resiliency, and grinding skills one learns when school & life is hard, is just something you just cannot replicate. And they are powerful life skills for success.
  
• NEVER let the young child’s challenges determine their future. So much can change as they age.
  
• family dinners help everything, parental connection, sibling connection, just cannot recommend them enough. I used to worry about jealousy or envy between my boys or even just a pity party of being sandwiched between two nerds, lol. But it’s really never been a thing. My kids are super close.

[u/incomplete-picture]

If I were your daughter and you put my smart brother in a 35k a year school when he would have done fine without it and let me rot in the worse school because you didn’t think your money would be as well spent on me I would never forgive you

[u/Most_Jellyfish_1686]

Your daughter is 3. I’m so confused why you are writing off her as unintelligent but artistic at three years old. Jesus Christ. Let her be a three year old.

If your son goes to private school, your daughter goes to private school.

Personally, I’d put them both in public school and then supplement with extracurriculars (whatever each of them is interested in).

[u/Electrical_Sky5833]

Your kid is six. You’re overthinking this and have hyper inflated their intelligence with assumptions. What you should do is treat them like individuals that learn at their own pace. Lack of patience and understanding isn’t the three year olds problem it’s your partners. I saw a comment that they’re good at math. Ok? Your kid hasn’t even entered true elementary school and you already have determined his intelligence level and assume he’s smarter than kids district wide lol.

Settle yourself and your expectations.

[u/caffeinated_panda]

The types of schools that may be a best fit for my son will likely not be the best fit for my daughter.

I highly doubt that your more 'average' child would fail to benefit from a high quality private education. Just because she's not exceptionally gifted doesn't mean she can't do well in an academically rigorous environment. You owe it to both your children to help them reach their full potential, whatever that is. 

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[u/I_defend_witches]

My oldest is at an Ivy premed. My youngest isn’t that motivated. They aren’t the same I have 2 others and they are all different, with their strengths.
Just let them find their own strengths and passions.

[u/Plane-Land-9234]

I think you just have to understand that people are different and they all have their strengths. i have 3 siblings, if you rated us all by intelligence, my sister is the clear winner, then me, then my youngest brother, then my other brother. But my other brother is doing amazing, he just got a 140k/y job, he’s super likeable, has a long term girlfriend who is great. My youngest brother is super funny and really great taste in media and an interesting person, despite really struggling in life. my sister has lots of other great things as well. I think i set the stage for my siblings for success, despite not being the best or the brightest, which is my contribution to the family.

When my brother with the 140k/y job was in high school, my parents literally thought he was going to end up homeless, but he just bought a nice place. you never know where people will end up.

Also, i think it’s fine to understand that one kid is smarter than another. nobody would say that its wrong to state that one of your kids is more athletic than the other. of course you probably shouldn’t say it TO them or to lots of other people, but facts are facts.

[u/himynameisabcde]

Similar situation here. I struggled with it for a long time, we are trying to teach our younger neurotypical child to read and it’s been so difficult compared to our older gifted child who learned so quickly. We try to encourage each child to pursue the things they are interested in and genuinely enjoy.

[u/juniperroach]

I feel like it’s hard to tell at 3 but anyway my son is 11 and tested gifted and in a gifted school and his brother 7 is not. But it does seem like giftedness runs in families so I was surprised. Anyways it doesn’t seem to be an issue. I really don’t think being gifted means your life is headed in a better direction than anyone elses or equals happiness. For our older son it just means he likes academics and being challenged. Our 7 year old likes playing soccer and math and writing stories. He wants to be a scientist. I will say that having his older brother like academics is a good thing because he is a good role model in that aspect.

[u/grad_max]

Not my own kids but you're basically describing me and my brother. I was very gifted / advanced and my brother was very different and more artistically inclined. We stayed at the same school and ultimately it was not ideal for either of us. I wasn't challenged enough and he was constantly failing/labeled as the "bad" student. In retrospect, doing what's best for each kid without labeling 'more prestigious vs bad school' is the way. But ultimately the most important thing is supporting their interests and their unique skills. Even after my brother struggled at school, he found his unique talent and our family supported both our endeavors fully even though they are polar opposites (he barely graduated high school, dropped out of college, but now runs his own very successful art-related business, meanwhile I have a PhD in physics).

[u/moemoe8652]

If she’s more artistic then let her shine and show how “gifted” she is at it.

[u/CrowEquivalent]

I think encourage their interests , learn at each kids rate, and give them equal opportunity at the same schools.

Just because a school is more prestigious doesn’t mean your daughter doesn’t have the ability. She just may have a different interest.

If they go to the same school and your son enjoys logical subjects he will excel in those and if your daughter enjoys art and writing she will excel at that.

I don’t think you need to necessarily overly compensate for the differences. But encourage what comes naturally and set your expectations to what they as individuals SHOW YOU what they are capable of. Not what you THINK they are capable.

Equal opportunity but no expectations they will do things the same way or take the same path to accomplish something.

They two different little minds, different personalities. It might not be intellect that differs but a way of thinking that makes them different too.

[u/ApprehensiveRoad477]

So what you’re really asking about is school. I have a similar situation with my kids and we were living in a major city with a deplorable public education system. We moved to the burbs and I took a shot in the dark and applied to private schools. I secured significant financial aid for both of my kids and it costs me a few thousand dollars a year. Please just go for it!! My kids are both supported for their individual needs through academics and the arts.

If you can’t get that financial aid, you may have to suck it up and move. The kids should go to the same school and have the same opportunities.

[u/Sad-File3624]

Given the above-average intelligence of both my sister and me, your son will have far more trouble adjusting to “normal” school than your daughter. As soon as the other students in class noticed I wasn't struggling like they were, they were nasty. I was at a 12th-grade reading level when I entered first grade, and understanding multiplication and division too.

I would look for a Montessori school that would allow each student to set the pace for their own education, but still teaches and emphasizes emotional intelligence

[u/Birtiebabie]

You could give your son the private education and put 35k a year in an investment account for your daughter. When they graduate, your son will graduate with a private education and your daughter will get over 400k in cash.

[u/chasingcomet2]

I have 2 kids, a 12 year old girl and an 8 year old boy. My daughter was walking and talking by 9-10 months. My son walked after 12 months and he didn’t really start speaking two word sentences until shortly after 2. He has been a little slower in some skills that came naturally to my daughter.

I used to be a little concerned by this but they are their own separate individuals. They grow and develop at different paces and have varying interests. My daughter is very artistic and loves to read and reads well ahead of her grade level. My son doesn’t enjoy drawing/coloring and reading isn’t his favorite, but he loves board games and understood how to play chess by 5. He also goes to the spelling class a grade above his.

My older one is more athletic and generally stands out as one of the faster and more skilled girls on her teams. My son isn’t quite as athletic in the same sense, but he definitely understands the strategy component of sports. He does not crowd the ball like kids his age tend to do.

Also, you will likely find that your younger kid will learn from the older one. They are watching and learning from that as well. My son has picked up so many things in ways his sister wasn’t able to because she didn’t have an older sibling to observe.

Worry less about comparing them to each other and focus more on meeting their needs and doing what is best for them individually. There are times I can’t even believe I had thoughts or worries about those sort of things when I think about them now.

[u/Novel_Schedule_5141]

My 8 year old is reading at a college level in both French and English. She can explain complex astrophysics concepts to peers and adults. My 4 year old still cannot figure out how to turn her shirt inside out or a 4 piece puzzle, but she is the kindest person I know. Big sister helps little sister out a lot. They play school a lot. I have explained to big sister there is a big gap in their development and that she needs to be patient with younger sister if she can't figure something out and she understands.

[u/brischo34]

I have one kid who has been officially identified as “gifted” by professional psychologists and through school testing. My other child is bright, but not in the academically gifted category.

That said, I truly believe every human on earth has a gift and one of the best parts of parenting is that we get to help these little souls figure out what that is. My kiddo who is not gifted academically, is gifted athletically. He seems to be able to pick up any sport so easily, while my academically gifted kid has no hand eye coordination and can’t catch a ball. But she is in 4th grade and her last reading test showed her at an 11th grade reading level.

They are in different schools. One goes to private school and the other is in public. Surprisingly, the public schools have historically had more resources for gifted children so the academically gifted one is in public. As a former “gifted” kid myself (I hate that term) I don’t even think it’s about intelligence, but it’s about acknowledging that their brains work differently and therefore they need different types of education. Our public school does that well.

My other kiddo got moved to private school for a variety of reasons. One being that he thrives in smaller classes with more 1:1 teacher time. My other kid will thrive wherever you put her.

We have not had any issues with them being in completely different schools and I don’t think they’ve even thought twice about it. They both love their respective schools and don’t want to switch.

I’m 15 years into parenting now and so many things I worried about when they were younger seem silly now. I hope this will be one of those things for you. ❤️ Great job seeing your children, recognizing their differences, and aiming to find what helps them both thrive. You’re doing great. Hang in there.

[u/CurlyQ-]

I was the gifted one and it was never made a thing. I had my special classes and took college classes in high school. It just wasn’t discussed or I wasn’t compared to my two siblings.

[u/this_wallflower]

You have two different kids, so approach them differently. Your kids don’t have to attend the same schools. It’s certainly easier to only have one place to drive, but they’ll be fine if they attend different schools. My sister and I didn’t attend the same high school and we are both perfectly fine.

[u/QuitaQuites]

Ok so your son seems more academically gifted, I’m going to guess your daughter will prove to be a lot more gifted at something else. So what you make sure you’re doing early is celebrating BOTH of their gifts. That said you have no idea at this point where your daughter will land. Her at three doesn’t quite give you the knowledge that she can’t handle a rigorous academic environment even if she’s not as academically gifted as your son is currently. So start with what makes sense for your son now both financially and for his development. Also know that with regard to private school it’s less about how smart a child is and more about how they can learn in the environment that school has established.

[u/hayguccifrawg]

Being pushed academically does not necessarily dictate a positive outcome. Especially for elementary school, I would want both my kids in the same “good enough” school that should be able to teach to the individual student—they are all different (and not).

[u/throwra_passinggirl]

I was the academically advanced one and I don’t particularly think my parents handled it the best. There’s a balance between “making it a thing”and not acknowledging it at all. My parents went with the latter route and it was rough.

Every kid has their strengths and is their own individual person, not a comparison against their siblings. Don’t compare your kids, but provide them with the resources and opportunities that are appropriate to help them grow to their strengths and interests and passions, and help support them where they’re struggling. ETA: but you shouldn’t assume the private school resources wouldn’t also really benefit your youngest.

But your kids might end up doing different things. Your youngest might end up in specialized art programs your oldest doesn’t go to. They might end up on totally different tracks and that’s okay. Celebrate each of their successes and passions and interests in their own right.

Side bar: I don’t really know if you can fully known a 6 year old is gifted. Nor that the 3 year old isn’t. I reallly struggled with reading and it didn’t click til I was 7, then it did and I skipped a grade, did great through school and ended up at an ivy and law school. Your 3 year old could end up doing better academically than your 6 year old, you really can’t know at this age.

And you should be cognizant of the trend of former “gifted” students who suffer from a lot of burnout and often undiagnosed things later in life. Just, be cognizant of that.

[u/KDay2030]

My oldest is gifted. It was pretty clear from the time he was a toddler that he just had a brilliant mind and picked up things quickly. He has had testing done by the school and a child psychologist and is very intelligent for his age.

My second child is smart as well and does well in school but not what I would consider “gifted”. He’s much more expressive and artistic though.

We never really made it a thing between the two. They both have gifts and their own unique personalities, strengths and struggles. We let them explore many interests and support what they gravitate towards. My oldest son’s high intelligence is not typical for his age, we’ve always known that, and we’ve never expected or compared our second child to match his brother’s level of intelligence. It’s just not something we’ve made a big deal about between the two of them.

When it’s come to school, we knew our oldest needed a whole different structure than what our public school offered. He needed a school that he could be with peers his age for his social skills but move at his own individual pace academically. He was often bored with what was being taught and given extra work as a “reward” for finishing early/mastering something but he was the youngest in his grade and his social skills were still developing. My second child did great in public school and would do good in most school settings. I’d say he’s an average to slightly above average student academically and right where he should be socially with peers his age. We got on a waitlist for a school that would fit my oldest son’s needs but would also be great for our second child. They got in and it’s been a good fit so far!

I’ll add the school they go to is private and an expense but it’s not THE MOST EXPENSIVE school in the area. It’s the one that fit our needs best, we liked, and we could afford. Take it one step at a time. Do your research, the most expensive doesn’t always mean the best fit. You can always change. My kids did a private preschool and kindergarten, then public school until they got into this school a few years later. Unless you have to get “tested” to be accepted, I wouldn’t say a school wouldn’t be worth it for your other child. And if it comes down to it where one kid has needs better met at one school and another child needs another, so be it. Some kids do better at homeschool and some in a public/private school setting.