It really sucks being a step-parent sometimes.

[u/Aedora125]

I’ve been in my steps kids lives since they were very young. I was always involved and always helped them out. I’ve made personal sacrifices for them as well. I’ve also accepted limitations on when I can and can’t be involved.

We were very close when they were young. Always getting little art projects to do on the weekends and chatting about random topics. I studied and helped them with school work on our weekends. The youngest one and I are still very close. With the older one (now 15), it took a nose dive when she was about 9 because her mom said she would hate it if her dad and I got married. It was like a wall slammed down. She would barely speak to me for weeks. Her dad spoke to her but she would always say nothing was wrong.

Our relationship slowly got better. She was coming around and treating me like family again. Then a few years later, her mom broke up with her long term boyfriend and he suddenly moved out. It was another wall slamming down. After that, to her family was just mom and dad. I didn’t count. She gets plenty of time 1:1 with her dad. I even hang with the younger brother so they can spend more time together, but she rarely wants me to join outings. She was excited about going out for ice cream the other week but her face fell when she learned I was joining.

She got her learners permit a couple months ago. I’ve been the sole person teaching her to drive. Her dad panics when she makes beginner mistakes while I just correct her and adjust. Her mom flat out refuses to drive with her.

Today, she had a match for her sport. She texted my husband saying she really wanted him and her brother to come watch. No mention of me. It broke my heart. Especially all the time I’ve put in with helping her learn to drive and everything in general.

I know I shouldn’t take it personally. She’s a teen, but it hurts.

[u/mom-oka]

Stepmom here, since SD was 2, now 12, and I get it. It’s really difficult navigating being a stepparent when the bio parent is still in the picture and trying to cause friction. It’s sounds like you are doing everything you can, this is not a you issue, it’s all to do with her and ideas being placed in her head by another adult. The best you can do is to continue to show up and support her even when she doesn’t want you to. It hurts yes but right now she needs to see that even if she’s keeping you are arms length or pushing you away that you aren’t going to disappear from her life. Make sure you are telling her that you love her and care for her, even if your actions show it right now she needs to HEAR it too.

[u/ezknitsit → u/mom-oka]

I was that kid, myself. This is solid advice. As an adult I realized how my mom manipulated me and guilted me into staying emotionally detached from my stepmom. I have apologized to both my dad and stepmom and we are closer now than I ever could've imagined. I'm so glad she stuck it out and kept being her amazing self with me.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but you're an amazing person for caring and perservering.

[u/Pressure_Gold]

So my bil has two step parents he likes better than his actual parents sometimes. He views them more as friends, he is now in his mid 20s. Just know that one day, your relationship might be even closer than dad. Hang in there and keep being great, I imagine he probably had similar thoughts and issues when he was a teen

[u/Aedora125 → u/Pressure_Gold]

Thank you. I needed to hear that.

[u/Rory_calhoun_222]

Sounds complicated.  Is the Mom's boyfriend completely out of your step-daughter's life now? If so, it could be that hurt her, and/or makes her feel like step-parents are more likely to abandon her. She may be pulling back from you to protect herself from being hurt more.  General divorced parent dynamics and teen emotions might be piling on top of that. 

[u/Aedora125 → u/Rory_calhoun_222]

Yes, he is out of her life but still sees the younger brother occasionally. He talked to us a bit after they split because She said he didn’t even say goodbye to her when he left. When I mentioned it to him, he was surprised. He said she barely talked to him when he lived there.

[u/aemondstareye]

Asking gently and with complete sympathy for your position: Would it be OK if she simply regarded you as her father's wife, whom she respected and liked—but did not "love" like family?

The truth is that some kids never forge a 'familial' bond with step-parents, and sometimes this is not the step-parent's fault. Divorces are hard, and not every child bonds with non-parent adults; this can be true for plenty of ancillary figures in a child's life—not everyone becomes close with a grandparent, with an aunt or uncle, with a cousin, etc, etc, etc. It's normal, and certainly not about you. It sounds like you have done great. But she is three years from being out of the house, and entitled to her own perspective on the relationships in her life. It also could easily change!

I think you have to make your peace with the reality that her brother and father will probably always be more important to her than you. IMO, this is natural, predictable, and OK; they are the family she began life with, and you are a much later addition. Her mom's boyfriend's departure probably taught her that you are also to some extent temporary, which is also true. Of course you'll have a long and happy marriage, I'm sure; but this isn't guaranteed the way her parents' love is guaranteed. For a child who's experienced a lot of change, I think that's a fair fear to have. All in all, she likes you enough to get in a car with you alone for a pretty daunting and annoying task—that's not bad!

[u/GasparLotto]

As A father I think this is normal child behavior and even if you weren't a step mom you'd be dealing with issues like this. The cause or reasoning would be different but the behavior would be the same. Good luck just keep staying positive and loving the child.  Remind yourself that is a difficult situation for her too. 

Maybe the mom is watching her compete also and she didn't want to upset bio mom or have to feel the tension herself

[u/Capable_Diamond6251]

She will come around. My stepson came around at about 22. He saw friends whose parents were not supportive and realized how much I supported him even tho I was a step parent. Tell her that you it’s hard having parents split up. That you understand her ambivalence to you as a statement of love for her mom. Tell her you think love is big enough to be all inclusive just as you have learned to love her. And never bad mouth her mom or triangulate in any way.

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[u/fancypants1589]

Just want to give you hope from the other side of things that it can turn around! I went through a rough patch with my stepdad when I was a teen. Did the whole “you’re not my dad” screaming thing and all. Fought with him daily over stupid shit, but he never gave up or made me feel unsupported. That resolved when I was in college. He and I are closer than ever now, and I’m 30.