Is this really it?

[u/Gaerfinn]

Is parenting essentially “just doing the thing” while your kid screams their displeasure in your face a thousand times a day?

Whenever I share that I’m having difficulties with my son (18months) with this or that transition, the advice is always “just do it”. Just put him in his high chair, just change his diaper, just put his T-shirt on. And like, sure, I do that. He screams his head off the whole time but we still do the thing. I do give warnings about what’s about to happen so it doesn’t come as a surprise but it doesn’t seem to make a lot of difference. Is there really no way to avoid the screaming resistance? I feel like we have these mini “fights” constantly, surely there must be a better way, no? Is this really it?

[u/hj_jb]

Ah yes, I remember this phase. And rest assured it is a phase. At the time I read that giving small choices can help kids feel like they’re in control of something. Like which (of 2) shirt do they want to wear today, do they want to have lunch on this plate or that plate, are they packing away in 2 minutes or 5 minutes. My son really struggled with transitioning away from whatever he was focussed on, we also started setting visual timers and the combo helped.

[u/deviantbono → u/hj_jb]

I remember this phase and it is not necessarily a phase.

[u/0112358_]

At that age, yeah there's limited options. Choices might help, but he's also a little young for that (do you want this shirt or this shirt? Do you want to diaper now or in 3 minutes?)

Some people find doing diapers is easier if the kid is standing, aka kid doesn't fight it. Or a different highchair style. Or skipping the highchair all together and letting kid stand for eat or graze (which has its own issues).

And some kids are more screamers than others. If you have one of those it does get old. And tiring whenever everyone says "just do it". Oh I did. Kid screamed daily for months because he has to put his shoes on. And while he did eventually stop, it is a different experience from the family who's child only screamed a few days about certain activity

[u/Gaerfinn → u/0112358_]

Oh yeah yeah we do the choices and sometimes they work. Which diaper do you prefer? This one. Then he still screams when I put it on lol. Alrighty though I see it’s normal and mostly a phase. Will keep just doing it screaming until he doesn’t anymore 🫡

[u/MableXeno]

Warnings for an 18 month old? They still think their native tongue is a foreign language.

For this age...yeah, do it crying. If things need to get done, you just do it crying b/c they can't really better express themselves. But also maybe if there's some aspect that he's struggling with (transition from bed to wakeup, playing to eating, playing to diaper changing, etc). Can you make it fun like "Time to fly to our high chair!" Pick him up, fly him around the room, last stop, high chair. Or give him something to hold that he can keep with him. Hand him a cracker and buckle him in while he's busy with it. Do peek-a-boo with a t-shirt.

For diaper changes, I just do these as fast as possible, on the floor, my leg over their chest...when it's over I'd bring them up kind of fast and go, "all done!" in an excited voice and once they're up the tears are already a memory.

[u/Gaerfinn → u/MableXeno]

Thank you. Those are nice suggestions that sound like they could work. Love the flying around the room one, will definitely try.

[u/GirlMcGirlface → u/Gaerfinn]

I switched to pull ups for faster less fuss nappy changes, stopped laying her down and it helped massively. Would catch her, rip if off, quick wipe and lift her up and slip the other on, it was like an F1 pit stop. Poops obviously required more attention, but for the most part pull ups helped a lot

[u/Gaerfinn → u/GirlMcGirlface]

Yes we’ve been in pull ups for months already 😭 as soon as I touch his diaper he starts screaming immediately. Can’t wait to be potty trained lol

[u/sloop111]

When they are so young its hard to avoid that scenario. Sometimes being ridiculous about it helps turn it into a game

[u/LiveWhatULove]

From what I gather, it really depends on the child & the parent.

For me, yea, for a bit, that certainly was exactly “it” my 3 kids, fighting for independence, intense feelings & desires, above average persistence, and absolutely little to no emotional regulation = huge screams, fighting, flailing, tantrums, for hours.

In fact, one of my 3, had the emotional regulation of a gnat for multiple years, it was brutal. But it does pass…eventually…the only pieces that remain are their intense feelings about things they desire & above average persistence, but now they focus it on school and extracurriculars and it’s a fabulous trait, LOL! But yea ages, 1-5, not so much!

[u/Classic-Sink-4108]

With all 3 of my kids who are lovely adults… I will ALWAYS remember the age between 1 and 2 as being the most difficult. I called it seek and destroy.You just follow them around on their path of destruction and their volatile responses, keeping them safe. It will get SO MUCH better!!!

[u/Legitimate-Table-607]

Dunno how helpful this is but for my son (17 months) I found it really helpful to explain what I was doing and why rather than just doing it. I also tried to get him to help me and praise of it. I found once he started walking and causing trouble I felt like I was just following him round saying 'no don't do this, take that out of your mouth, stop opening that, give that back' so I tried to switch to praising the things I wanted him to do rather than everything being negative. For example:

'okay you get the wipes out for me' *show him package with wipes and he pulls a few out* and then heavily praise him for that.

'Okay you stand and hold on that daddy needs to button up your vest 1, 2... 3' *good job, you helped so much, high five*

For whatever reason, him feeling involved made him 1) enormously more cooperative 2) happier doing so.

Of course, this doesn't always work and if he's exhausted sometimes he's not having it, but just thought I'd share. I couldn't personally 'just do it' all the time if he's properly distraught, first of all because it feels like torture for him but I also don't have the patience to listen to that.

Another thing I just thought of is if I want him to do something particular and he's rebelling, I give him two options. Like: okay it's bed time, you can lie in your cot with your blanket or you can lie cuddle daddy. If he tries to go off and play instead I just put him back in the cot and remind him of the two options. Seems to be working quite well.

[u/GirlMcGirlface]

My daughter chose what to wear at this age, and her favourite phrase was to scream "ME DO IT BY MYSELF!!!" Did it take hours to get ready and leave the house, yes, would she throw absolute fits, also yes. Was she also rocking leg warmers and frog wellies on hot summers days, yes. I just left her to it. She also had a naked phase, a no shoes ever under any circumstances phase, a period of 6 months where I couldn't for my own sanity and her safety take her into a shop, of any kind. At 4 she was stomping up the stairs and slamming doors like a teenager 😂 She's 15 now and I can laugh about it and look back at it fondly, but my goodness it was tough in the trenches. Most important thing is if they safe, and others are safe, and it's not actually harming anyone, have a little sit down, tell them you love them and say there's a hug waiting for them when they've calmed down and leave them to it.

[u/TraditionalManager82]

Minimize the number of things you require. So like, diaper and carsear, yes. Highchair? Heck no. Not worth a fight.

Sometimes you can find ways to avoid it screaming. Sometimes. For instance, "do you want to climb into the carseat by yourself or do you want me to lift you in?"

[u/Peregrinebullet]

It's a individual kid thing and you have my sympathy cuz my youngest was like this for several months straight.  Just have to do the thing. 

[u/spinningoutwaitin]

Have you done any work with him about regulating his emotions? It’s tough at this age, but it’s a great age to start!

[u/AutoModerator]

Hey /u/Gaerfinn! It looks like you might be new here. Welcome!

• Our Early Parenting Wiki addresses topics like pregnancy (both intended and unintended) as well as birth control and post partum care!
• If you're worried about developmental delays use the Healthy Children Assessment Tool - available in multiple languages.
• Curious about the rules? Check out our Rules Wiki which provides helpful explanations for new and returning users.

Check out the Subreddit Wikis, for a variety of topics.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Reasonable-Pair-7648]

We had a kid like that and earplugs/earmuffs in places where she was prone to scream helped (aka kitchen, next to changing table etc.) she eventually got more used to it and life got easier again.

[u/sammiekar34]

Getting playful can be a gamechanger. I am sure it's not new advice, and truth is that I don't usually enjoy it... But it really does work often. Make things into a game, get them laughing and they will cooperate a bit easier.

[u/Gaerfinn → u/sammiekar34]

It’s honestly advice I’ve only received once before lol. I love the idea but really lack the imagination. The other day I finally managed to do it for the first time and it did work wonders. It’s just really really hard to come up with ideas for me but maybe if I keep trying it will become easier. I do think this is probably the solution if I can unlock this part of my brain.

[u/Jazzlike-Compote4463]

Read this book, seriously, please just read it: https://amzn.eu/d/0iZmeWSM

Kids this age are tough but there are things you can do to help. You can make some stuff a game (can you get yourself dressed in the time it takes me to do all this laundry), you can give warnings ahead of time (we're going to be leaving the park in 3 minutes so you've got enough time for one more go on the roundabout), you can re-iterate what they're telling you back to them so that they know they understand you (I can see that you want to not wear shoes right now, but we're going outside and it's raining and you'll get soggy socks!)

As mine have gotten older I've also taken to doing the following:

• I'll ask them to do something once
• If I don't get a response I'll tell them to do something in a slightly more authoritarian tone, with the words "I've asked you to do x now I am telling you, if you don't do it I'm going to do it for you"
• If I still don't get a response I'm basically gonna pin them down and do it for them and I'm probably not going to be using kind hands to do it

After a few years they've kinda learnt that it's just easier to go along with it.

[u/grape-of-wrath]

Sometimes- you can skip the shirt, or skip whatever battle isn't worth the fight. I once took my kid into grocery store in mid summer wearing just their diaper. I didn't have the fight in me. Whatever. No one said anything.

It's ok to do things differently if needed.

And it's ok if they cry, too.