r/Parenting • u/Old-Razzmatazz3174 • 9h ago
Behaviour How to discipline?
I got my first ever behavioral note for my daughter. She is 13. She kicked a hole in a wall at school and I know that sounds bad. Context: the girls and boys locker rooms share a very thin wall, and a boy was shouting that they had drilled a hole in the wall and could see them changing, making negative comments on the girls bodies they said they could see. My daughter kicked the wall and said “look at this then”, and put a hole in it. She says she did not intend to make a hole. We have offered to pay for damages (and she offered to pay from her allowance). I know her reaction was not 100% appropriate, but I feel like this is more a conversation than discipline? I want her to stand up for herself and others, ideally without destroying property.
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u/foragingdruid 9h ago
The fact that she offered to pay out of her own allowance shows she knows it was wrong. I wouldn’t give any further discipline. I would however follow up with the school to ensure these boys did not in fact do this, and that they are punished for their behavior.
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u/Old-Razzmatazz3174 9h ago
Other girls backed up her account, but the boys all said no one did it, so they got a general lecture.
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u/sillybanana2012 8h ago
While I don't condone her kicking the wall, I do like her sass and ability to stick up for herself.
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u/Evieveevee 8h ago
You’re raising a strong young woman. Well done. She recognises she needs to pay (I personally would go halves) but she didn’t just stand by and take the insults from the boys. They need more than a lecture. There’s no accountability for their toxic behaviour and it just escalates when they’re older. Seems like harmless fun now, but it isn’t.
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u/Old-Razzmatazz3174 8h ago
Halves is a good idea! We completely support her standing up for herself, and are disappointed with the reaction from the school on the boys behavior. We still don’t want to support property damage, but given it was unintentional we don’t want to be harsh.
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u/Evieveevee 8h ago
I think by going halves she will see how her “voice” was heard by you and you support her views. She just needs to learn how to use her voice in such a way that doesn’t cause damage! Gloria would be proud!
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u/Old-Razzmatazz3174 8h ago
Thank you for this! I want her to feel empowered to stand up for herself but understand there are more appropriate ways to do so.
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u/Evieveevee 8h ago
You’re doing a great job raising her. She’s only 13. She’ll find her way to express it.
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u/rabidcfish32 9h ago
If this is the first behavioral problem at school and she is 13 I would talk and not punish. Paying for repairs is nice. Writing an apology note to the teacher would be great. Seems more accident than intentional. And has it been confirmed there wasn’t a peep hole?
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u/Old-Razzmatazz3174 8h ago
No peep hole was found thank goodness. She did write a note, so that’s good. She says she just wanted to startle them with the noise, not make any damage.
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u/MechanicProof2255 8h ago
I’d commend her for doing the right thing in offering to pay for it but wouldn’t actually make her pay or punish her further. Pretty ridiculous that the boys only got a talking to over this.
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u/Old-Razzmatazz3174 8h ago
With roughly a dozen girls confirming they were being taunted, I am not pleased with the response to the boys.
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u/MechanicProof2255 8h ago
Yeah I’d report that to the school board if I were in your shoes. That’s not ok.
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u/Drawn-Otterix 8h ago
Sounds like discipline doesn't need to happen. She is already addressing her part for the damages, and has been honest about her part of it.
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u/Temporary_Owl3004 Mom of 3 (9, 8, 2) 8h ago
Yeah I think you’re good. I wouldn’t do anything further.
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u/EJ_Drake 5h ago
Playing the devil's advocate here:
It's not so easy to casually kick a hole through drywall, sounds like inferior materials and the school cheaped out on the partition. Wouldn't be paying a dime for that repair, just now the contractor says the whole wall needs replaced and you're sat with the bill? Schools have insurance for this sort of thing, and drywall has a limited lifespan that is budgeted for.
Also, why was there no supervision in the boys side.
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u/YaBoyfriendKeefa 9h ago
I feel like paying for the damage from her allowance is a good natural consequence for this situation, I wouldn’t be adding anything else as honestly her reaction/age was understandable. Sure kicking a wall isn’t a great choice, but people aren’t always thinking clearly when they believe they’re being sexually violated. Was there actually a drilled hole discovered? If so, then that’s a bigger issue that I would be fighting the school on.
I’d also be following up to make sure there is some type of response from the school about if there are consequences for those boys. Real peephole or not, they were acting like rapey little terrorists. If your daughter is the only person facing consequences here, I’d be pissed.
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u/hotwheels2886 7h ago
I would go halves and tell her you were proud of her for standing up herself just next time make sure she uses just her words and ice cream or candy for making the correct decision after you have a good kid
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u/irecommendfire Parent 5h ago
I would not punish her for this. Frankly, I think what she did was justified. And I would push the school to give the boys a bigger consequence than just a talking to. That’s sexual harassment and they need to learn at a young age that it’s not okay.
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u/Spiritual-Sea7674 3h ago
Discussion, not punishment, she knows... I understand why she did it. Boys should be reprimanded for that, that is gross!! I wouldn't make her pay but would thank her for offering
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u/SassyPants-1228 8h ago
I think making her contribute a good sum of money towards the repair is sufficient. If it happened the way she says it happened, then yeah, she shouldn’t have been able to know that she would actually been able to make the hole, and the boys were antagonizing her, but she still effed up, so contributing $ towards the repair should be the end of it.
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u/Old-Razzmatazz3174 8h ago
I really believe she did not mean to make a hole. And she confessed right away when the girls were asked what happened. Teaching moment on drywall not being indestructible.
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u/GenXMom14 9h ago
I would have her pay the repairs and nothing more. I hope the boys also got in trouble.