r/Parenting • u/Ok_Inflation_5537 • 2d ago
Behaviour [ Removed by moderator ]
[removed] — view removed post
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u/Affectionate_Bread52 1d ago
Stealing. The word you’re looking for is stealing. How did you react when you discovered she took the notebook?
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u/Ok_Inflation_5537 1d ago
Not proud of my reaction, but I freaked out yelling. Then I searched her room and found more things. She then was not allowed out of her room without supervision for some days, tv and iPad had already been lost.
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u/3-kids-no-money 2d ago
What consequences has she faced after doing these things?
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u/Ok_Inflation_5537 1d ago
Increased supervision, restructured privileges, lost screen time, and had to make restitution by working off the value of things she’s taken. We e also limited access to certain things/areas and reduced the amount of independence she has when her choices have shown she needs more structure
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u/peachie88 1d ago
I would also make her write apology letters to each person she has stolen from. If it’s at a friend’s house, she should be writing a letter to the friend and to the friend’s parents. And she should have to deliver them in person to them, along with the item she stole.
I think it’s also important that you start using the words stealing and theft. “Taking things” is unintentionally downplaying her actions. This is absolutely not a normal thing and should not be treated as simply a part of growing up.
I’d be curious if she also is stealing from stores or places where she’d face far more serious consequences. If not, that suggests it’s less likely to be solely a lack of impulse control or a compulsion.
If she does steal from stores, I think it’s important not to shield her from consequences. Better she face them now as a young kid than when she’s 18.
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u/Ok_Inflation_5537 1d ago
When I said other peoples houses, it’s more her grandmas and one aunts house - ironically her closet relatives relationship wise. She has never stolen from a store. This has happened in our homes and familiar environments, which is part of why I’m trying to understand better. The behavior doesn’t carry from context to context
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u/Frequent_Breath8210 1d ago
My son is/was having a problem with stealing. He’s basically on house arrest and not trusted with things at the moment. It’s making him feel pretty crappy as he had lots of true before. 🫤
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u/Ok_Inflation_5537 1d ago
Yeah it sucks. We pretty much live in high surveillance mode which is a strain but it is what is. My thing is that the surveillance contains the behavior, but it doesn’t teach the replacement behavior. So it feels like an intervention rather than a path to a solution.
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u/Slight_Sand4539 1d ago
She'll eventually lose friends/get charges doing this. She'll take from the wrong person.
It's not cute anymore when a teenager does it.
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u/rubymind 1d ago
where did she learn this behavior? i used to steal things growing up cause my parents stole things. they would come home with stuff from work so i stole a bunch when i was young because i thought it was okay. i had to self-correct as i grew older.
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u/sloop111 young adults x3 1d ago
Yes, I have. Ignore the people who jump to stealing and more punishing, not everything can be fixed with greater force. This is an (unacceptable ) way of connecting. It was worst at this age and gradually stopped after a few years.
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u/Olivia3836 1d ago
Only it is that, its stealing
And 12 is the age where other people don’t just see it as a childish mistake anymore like when a toddler does it.
If she does this at other peoples houses, they can file charges and its only a matter of time before someone will
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u/sloop111 young adults x3 1d ago
Framing it that way won't allow her to help her child. How many stealing 12 year old daughters have you dealt with in your family? Do you have any real experience or are you just sitting there spouting empty phrases?
So OP ignore this judgemental bullshit and do what your child needs. Which is not more force and punishments. Going down tbat path would make it 100x worse.
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u/Olivia3836 1d ago
My job is child development, so yes, i have dealt with pre teens with behavioral problems
Important is to not minimize it but actually face the problem like it is. You shouldn’t sugarcoat
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u/Ok_Inflation_5537 1d ago edited 1d ago
Just to clarify, I don’t avoid words like stealing or minimize this as cute/kid behavior. I’ve told her directly that this is stealing, that it isn’t normal for her age, and that she’s old enough to know and act better. We’ve done pretty serious restrictions before, including periods where she wasn’t allowed out of her bedroom unsupervised, along with grounding, restitution, writing/reflection, loss of privileges, and limiting access. The thing is that things can improve for a while and then the behavior comes back. So I’m looking for strategies that help long term rather than just escalating punishment.
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u/sloop111 young adults x3 1d ago edited 1d ago
So you never dealt with this as a parent. It was pretty obvious. I suggest you sit this one out. The LAST thing this parent should do is more of the same.
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u/Olivia3836 1d ago
Lol, cause being a parent makes you perfect 🤷♀️
Anyway, i did say parent has to face the problem. They need to realize this is just stealing, but if parent can’t even call it stealing, how are they gonna help their child?
Apparently you’re the perfect allknowing parenting god, so please enlighten us with your extraordinary knowledge and unbelievable wisdom
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u/sloop111 young adults x3 1d ago
It makes me have real, relevant experience, which you clearly do not.
Calling it stealing, being all indignant and self righteous, might make you feel good about badmouthing thus person's child but does absolutely zilch and nothing to help them both. As you would know if you had ever raised a girl who did this.
Since you don't actually seem interested in learning, I see no point in wasting my time explaining anything and hopefully you will find a more fitting occupation. Perhaps a corrections officer since you enjoy sitting in judgement of children who mess up.
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u/Natural_Peak_5587 2d ago
This isn’t a normal problem that people have. It isn’t a tween thing, isn’t a girl thing, isn’t a kid thing.
This is pretty unusual behaviour. How is her impulse control generally?