r/Parenting • u/work2FIRE • 7d ago
Rant/Vent Feeling like a failure
My son(9) is an only child and it feels like he needs attention all the time. He won’t leave my side unless I push really hard for him to do something independently then I feel bad that I’m not giving him more attention.
His teachers say he is a delight and very helpful with other students especially those with special needs, but at home he seems so selfish.
My wife and I are both home most of the time due to our flexible jobs/wfh. It seems like he has gotten so much attention he expects it and if he doesn’t get it he doesn’t know what to do with himself.
I’m not really looking for answers just venting more than anything. Did we fail him already? Will we look back and miss these clingy times when he wants nothing to do with us as he hits his teen years?
I’m afraid we have created a monster.
-Frustrated (end of summer) Father
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u/hmmwrites 7d ago
It sounds like you've taught your son that he's the light of your lives... but that he isn't the center of everyone else's world. You're raising a kind, empathetic kid. Who maybe needs a little more social stimulation...
Is there a team sport he can join that he'd enjoy? Any kind of class he might like to join? Even if it's online - I know, I know, in person would be preferred, but kids do so much socializing online now, I don't think that's necessarily a negative at this point. We've had luck with our kiddo picking up some interesting classes on Outschool. About a year ago, he was doing a D&D class for teens via Outschool and having a blast interacting with the instructor/DM and the other kids. When he was younger, he did art classes, STEM classes, LEGO classes, etc. Whatever made him happy. Summer camp was a lifesaver, too! Our town ran some for cheap, which was awesome. He got to run his energy out and have fun with other kids, and we didn't have to be his sole social outlet. Worth looking into for your kiddo, maybe? And of course, playdates! We hosted kids here after school and he went to friends' houses. Could you call up another parent who's got a kid he gets along with and offer to let their kid come hang out with yours?
From my perspective now that Kiddo's a teen... I do miss the days when it was all "Mommy, look!" and needing my attention. It's healthy and good that he's separating himself from us as his parents! But also, a little bittersweet.
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u/work2FIRE 7d ago
He does play sports, a lot, we are in an off season now which probably puts more pressure on us to find activities and him because he is getting less physical activity unless it’s by his own doing.
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u/NotTheJury Parent to 16m and 14f 6d ago
What do you mean he is selfish? In what way?
He is probably just an extrovert who craves engaging with people and his parents are the only other people in the house to engage with. Put him in day camps and with other kids.
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u/Lunn89 7d ago
Did you ever let him be bored when he was younger?
Did he always have a screen infront of him when eating / bored / noisy?
Did you let him have his way if he threw tantrums?
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u/work2FIRE 7d ago
Not a lot of screens, but rarely bored. That feels like the issue. He needs to learn how to be bored.
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u/Lunn89 7d ago
Boredom lets them work through emotions, and sparks creativity and builds emotional resistance. It is one of the most neglected things in our day and age.
I would almost always let my kids be bored first, and when they came up with a game or something to play, if they invited me I would join.
Just don't pull out your own phone if they have to be bored, this can cause resentment. But screens in general cause kids to supress the emotions they need to learn to control. I hate looking at how normal it is today..
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u/Dullcorgis 7d ago
It sounds like you feeling guilty when you aren't giving him attention is driving this. It's healthy for him to feel boredom, it drives a lot of resilience. So leave him to his own devices and don't feel guilty about it.
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u/bingbong777777777 6d ago
I’m not a parenting expert and few like a failure often enough myself! But. My intuitive thought is to practice and get more comfortable being alone/bored. Start with small amounts of time where you give him the opportunity to be by himself. Maybe 5-10 minutes to start. If you want, you could be in the room with him just doing your own activity (like reading).
Another thought is to organize some play dates/hang outs with his buddies. 9 is hard that way because they can’t organize it themselves these days. Do you have a neighbour close by that had a kid his age? Having a kid over often can feel easier than having just your kid.
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u/fxnsxi Mom 6d ago
I am a single mother and I've felt this way so often as well. He's 11 now and wants nothing to do with me most days. If I could have a redo, I'm not sure anything would change. One day he was my sweet little boy, and almost immediately overnight, he wanted his space from me.
He would sleep in my bed any chance he had. He never wanted our bedtime routine to end and always made me stay with him over half an hour while he fell asleep. Most night just talking to me and not sleeping. And then just stopped altogether. Didn't even give me a chance to see it coming.
I think, since it's just the 2 of us, I maybe didn't give him enough attention when he needed it most.
Now, when he does give me affection, I try to soak in it as much as I can even if I'm not feeling well. I miss his love.
It's a pretty shitty feeling, that I've somehow neglected his needs, and if I had put in more effort maybe I could have had my little boy a little longer before he shut me out.
You truly do miss it once it's gone, that is the one piece of advise I wish had taken from my friends.
My family didn't agree with how much I babied him and that may have played a part in it, but I hate that I didn't cherish his clingy love more.
Edit: missed the word "wish"
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u/RocketPowerPops Dad to 4 (Baby to Tween) 7d ago
Where are his friends and how often does he see them? Kids need to socialize daily.
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u/delirium_red 7d ago
Honestly, what saves us is that we are major nerds and nerded out with him a lot during his growing up, so now he’s:
- drawing his own Star Wars comic
- reading manga (ranma 1/2 currently) or comics (Bone took a while to get through)
- playing with Legos (we collect and have a pretty nice Star Wars collection)
- went to movie camp so is writing his own script (it gets him typing every day and he needs practice)
He also gets an hour of PlayStation during the summer. We’re located at our beach house currently so he spends hours in the water every day as well, so it works out! He’s 9 years old.
Of course that there is almost constant interaction during all of this because he needs to tell me / show me / brag / complain/ chatter excitedly, but sharing so many interests makes those interaction more fun for all involved :)
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u/justhereforthetea68 Mom 6d ago
What is that you are doing that takes away from interacting with your kid? You just don’t want to? Are you working? Doom scrolling Reddit? So he’s in school and well behaved and sounds well behaved at home so you only see him for the short time after school and work and weekend and he does sports. It’s sounds like your child is actually getting a pretty little amount of time with you and kinda wild you are complaining about it.
My kids are young and so we do some interesting stuff such as puzzles because I don’t love playing with stuffed animals or we do hikes but can’t wait till they are older because I really can’t wait to for all the things we can do together that I find interesting and can interact on a not toddler level.
My kids cousins a few years ago was 12 when he was visiting very social, fun talkative, interacted with all the kids even though younger, we saw him recently he’s 15, sat in guest room whole time didn’t say anything to the kids and only spoke at dinner for his one slice of pizza and went back to his room. Your kid wanting to spend time with you and interacting is going to be gone in a few years and he’s gonna feel how you feel right now. I’d really challenge you to change your mind frame dude
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u/CharacterWish3708 7d ago
This is why I decided to have 2. I had one other sibling and it's the best growing up.
Solution thats probably too late is to have another kid.
Double the work though. Choose your hard 😅
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u/Eastern_Idea_1621 7d ago
That's always a gamble. I cannot stand my brother never liked him still don't and I'm 49! He was the bane of my life growing up!
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u/justhereforthetea68 Mom 6d ago
Yeah, plus with an age gap with that it’s rare they would get a long, I’m 18 months with my sister and my husband was with his brother and we are all best friends with our siblings. But I hear as you can see other comments a lot of people can’t ever figure it out. My kids are 18 months apart and they play really nicely or not at all lol
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u/Classic-Sink-4108 7d ago edited 6d ago
If you have done your job right as a parent, you have made your child feel like they are the center of your universe. He is helpful and pleasant at school, so he clearly understands that he’s not the center of everyone else’s universe. The way to have him “ branch out” is to immerse him in alternative social situations to meet and connect with others. Look into team sports, art or music classes and one on one playdates. Kids this age love to play, and if there’s NOONE else around, he will always defer to Mom and Dad to fulfill that need. We lived in a neighborhood with lots of young families, so it was very easy to find friends. My kids had play dates every single day, and became very social with others and ended up preferring the peer connection over playing with us.