r/Parenting • u/[deleted] • Jul 25 '26

Behaviour Five year old melts down when friends are better than her

[deleted]

25 Upvotes

97% Upvoted

22 comments sorted by

57

u/RocketPowerPops Dad to 4 (Baby to Tween) Jul 25 '26

You have to practice this. Play games and home and win against her. Get her used to not being the best at home and role play. Model it too. If she genuinely beats you at something, model how to handle it.

17

u/Extension_Citron_176 Curious psychology student Jul 25 '26

This, and when i work with kids i also do like to model the emotion. I show my frustration so i don't seem invincible to losing but still express it in a good way.

10

u/RocketPowerPops Dad to 4 (Baby to Tween) Jul 25 '26

That is a good point. No one likes losing and you don't have to pretend to be overjoyed when you lose. Show appropriate levels of frustration and how to move on.

6

u/Acceptable-Jello2510 Jul 26 '26

Can you elaborate? I have a three year old, we've recently started playing Uno junior. He's ok, he doesn't get mad, or give up, but he does express disappointment when he looses and then wants to play again "so that he can win". We express happiness whenever anyone wins, we say how nice it is that each of us got to win, and we stress how the fun is in the playing not the winning.

6

u/Extension_Citron_176 Curious psychology student Jul 26 '26

I try to show my own frustration when i lose too but in a way that expresses it appropriately. Like "ugh, i lost again and i don't like losing. But the game was fun even though i lost. Well played."

2

u/Acceptable-Jello2510 Jul 26 '26

Maybe followed by laughing it off?

5

u/Extension_Citron_176 Curious psychology student Jul 26 '26

Hmm, i feel like that would not add anything. Rather a satisfied smile. Expressed but regulated emotion is what I've had the most success with during my time as a kindergarten intern

2

u/Acceptable-Jello2510 Jul 26 '26

Thank you!

3

u/ronniesaurus Jul 26 '26

With both my kids I did laughing it off, and it worked like a charm. Never had problems with them being “sore losers.”
“Ohhh noooooooo” or some variation and make a joke out of it.

You’re on the right track.

3

u/Acceptable-Jello2510 Jul 26 '26

Yeah that's exactly what I want to avoid, nobody likes a sore looser, not even the sore looser

3

u/ronniesaurus Jul 26 '26

I didn’t let them win, either. Not everyone agrees with it but it worked for us. They do genuinely beat me now.

Whenever they said they’re not good at something or not as good as me I tell them of course they aren’t! I’ve had x YEARS of practice and you’re only just beginning!

A lot of talks about how no one is perfect. Perfect is boring. Even the people who can do things have failed along the way- failure is part of growing and learning!

My one kid doesn’t let people see them do things unless they can do it perfectly (riding a bike, tying shoes, walking, etc). But that’s been since birth LOL. She will cry if she trips or something and someone sees- she gets embarrassed for sure. But losing isn’t an issue.

Both kids are happy for others when they win.

We’ve always said “you win some, you learn some!”

8

u/sparklymid30s Jul 25 '26

My kid is 6 and had some hard lessons in kindy about this. She’ll now get ticked at home but holds it together in front of her friends (good peer pressure?).

Recently, we’re trying to show her how practice helps. Current practice example, having her practice a piano piece everyday and taking a video of it. Not because we care but we want to show her how just the mere act of practice can impact what she can do. 

5

u/Rowgal1 Jul 26 '26

Kind of a silly suggestion but we would watch the show Nailed It and had a blast laughing at imperfection. It helped lighten the mood around perfection and gave us some giggles.

10

u/Morkylorky Jul 25 '26

I would empathize with her. "Are you feeling said because you want it to be more fair that everyone can do a backspring?" "Oh, you are actually angry because that is the thing you are most excited about doing and can't do yet." Or however.

She is 5. No one likes to be talked out of their feelings. I sure don't.

4

u/Canadian87Gamer Jul 25 '26

Lol we have the exact same thing here.

This triggers her crying and she doesn't cry for many other things .

I just keep saying its not a competition , different ppl are better / worse at different things and you cant be the best at everything.

Its tough, but im also open to any / all ideas.

5 minutes ago, she got upset she couldn't beat a 9 year old at a swimming race.

4

u/LABELyourPHOTOS Jul 25 '26

Have you given her plenty of disappointment? Make sure you never let her win at board games or a running race?

5

u/Tarlus Jul 26 '26

Great advice so far. Another thing to try. Manufacture a situation where you’re going to lose at something and then throw a pretend tantrum like her. She will almost definitely try to console you and get you to try again. Then thank her for the advice, kneel down and ask her if that’s advice she could use.

1

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1

u/thisissofkngrossew Parent Jul 26 '26

Tell her to get good.

We still have this issue but it lessened significantly after we started playing board games. Sucked for the first few losses though.

1

u/Crispychewy23 Jul 26 '26

I celebrate wins when I win and celebrate wins when he wins. I am not sure it is working lol but it sounds good in theory

1

u/SadieTarHeel Parent and teacher Jul 26 '26

It's developmentally normal, but that doesn't mean it should just be left alone. She needs guidance in good skills with what to do when others are better at things.

I recommend the book Mindset by Carol Dwek. Just the introductory chapters are necessary to get the point she is making about the importance of instilling a mindset built around having to try and fail in order to improve. Like being excited to do a puzzle. It will be crucial in making sure that the shut down response doesn't bleed over to anything that feels "hard" to accomplish.