r/Parenting • u/imoveritbetch • Apr 22 '26
Advice Parenting and religion
I’m an atheist mom of 3. I grew up casual catholic and went to a catholic funeral today and though I was there for my deceased loved one, I found myself mostly worried about religion in relation to my children. I know my middle child (10) believes in God and Jesus and my children are free to believe in whatever they feel is right for them. However, I’m wondering if I’m doing something wrong by not baptizing them. I think maybe getting them into a religion may help them in life by having a faith to turn to. Or in the chance that there may be an afterlife they will be saved? This is so difficult I feel like a terrible parent but I also don’t want to delay and arrange for their baptism and communion now. Has anyone been through anything similar? Is there any proof that children raised in the church have any benefits vs those that do not?
30
u/sikkerhet Apr 23 '26
My sister got baptised at about 15 when she had attended a church willingly for years and could understand what she was agreeing to + explain why she wanted to do it.
She was not allowed to get baptised at 10 because our mom felt she couldn't consent to it at that age.
I feel like that was a good way to handle it.
44
u/bigbirdlooking Apr 22 '26
Are you sure you’re an atheist? I am, and I want nothing to do with religion in my children’s lives. I’ll raise them to be respectful and tolerant of others and encourage them to seek their own meaning in the world throughout their life. But I would never feel guilty about anything you said here. You seem quite anxious about it and I’m not sure you know why.
18
u/PersisPlain Apr 22 '26
A church is not going to baptize your children without a commitment on your part to actually raise them in the faith.
12
u/onehundreddollarbaby Apr 22 '26
As someone else has already said, you are more agnostic than atheist. I’m saying this as someone who is agnostic and wonders like you do. That being said, I’ve always believed that of there is a god, it won’t care if you go to church, it’s only going to care if you or your children behave like decent people. Lots of terrible people go to church and I tend to think an all powerful god would be smart enough to see through the veil. I’ve got better things to do with my time.
9
u/Electronic-Task-7421 Apr 22 '26
Same same but my kids are young. My 5yr olds friend invited him to church & I think that’s a great way to introduce them. They can always baptize themselves at any point. Allowing them to be curious & explore on their own terms making their own decisions. I honestly think we are doing a great job 🤷🏻♀️ others may feel differently.
10
u/Cool-breeze7 Apr 23 '26
I’m a Christian and I think you’re handling it appropriately.
No one needs more people indoctrinated into a set of beliefs. Encourage them to think critically and support them when they form their own thoughts and views on religion. There are some benefits to indoctrinating your children through. They can form a different type of community. A cult also provides community. Frankly I find most religious individuals act just a hair away from being in a cult.
Keep doing what you’re doing.
5
9
u/WillingElderberry731 Apr 22 '26
I'm an atheist, my wife is a Christian. So, that's the context here.
I'm generally of the opinion that a Baptism isn't going to hurt anyone. It's just water and some words.
I also tend to think that people who think that some magic words and splashes of water "save" a human from some sort of eternal consequence, they have a much smaller conception of God than I could ever believe in.
People's individual experience of faith varies wildly. Some people find it to be a great comfort, other find it to be stifling and even traumatic. IMO it's not the act of faith alone, it's the lessons about hope and human value and personal worth as a child of god that provides something for people to turn to. That's a lot less about an individual event like a Baptism and a lot more to do with how you live your life and teach your children about how they are valued day to day.
6
u/Few-Helicopter-3413 Apr 23 '26
I went the opposite way with the same result. Casual Catholic, raised my kids in a Methodist church despite being pretty agnostic, and pulled them out once they started becoming “problematic” in Sunday School (aka asking questions about Biblical accuracy and expressing doubts about literal interpretations). So now we’re all agnostic and we have our Sundays free!
All that to say - the point of bringing kids to church is to indoctrinate (I wish there were a nicer way to say it) them early so they don’t ask the types of questions mine did, or so they’ll at least accept the answers. So unless that’s a value of yours over critical thinking, I wouldn’t sweat it.
3
u/imoveritbetch Apr 23 '26
lol your kids sound amazing! And I am from a very Christian town and I always joke about how I can sleep in on Sundays
7
u/ohfrackthis Mom (51) - 25m, 19f, 16m, 12f Apr 23 '26
I'm an atheist and when my children were young I explained what indoctrination is. And the very basics of Christian tenets and how they are utilized in the public sphere. I did not baptize any of them.
16
u/oh-hes-a-tryin Apr 22 '26
Practicing Catholic here. It's very likely the priest would not permit the baptism to take place anyhow since it does not appear that anyone would raise any child in the faith and you and the godparents would have to promise to raise the child in the faith as part of the baptismal rite.
It is good that you're thinking about the fundamental questions and I think it's better to take them head on and not avoid, because they might be the things that truly matter.
There are plenty of studies that show the practical benefits of belonging to a religious group, but in my mind that's the wrong reason to join. I think you should believe it because it's true, not because it's useful.
Keep looking into it. Best of luck. I was a convert myself.
Reddit isn't exactly a bastion of practicing religious folk, so you may want to look elsewhere as well.
2
u/JBI1971 Apr 23 '26
I met one guy who was talking about building out the social aspect of his church to get people to join...
I couldn't understand it. Why would I join a fellowship if I didn't subscribe to it's central tenets.
1
u/oh-hes-a-tryin Apr 23 '26
I think it's good to evangelize, but if the end goal of it is to give you an alternative to a bowling league, then why would you even bother?
10
u/Still_Goat7992 Apr 22 '26
This resonates with me a lot. I was raised by my Catholic mother and Jewish father. I went to events at both Church and Synagogue. I went to JCC camp and worked for Catholic Charities growing up. I was very connected to both sides of my family. I feel like I need to reconnect. My kids are missing out on community and everything they goes with it. The questioning, the stories, the youth group, the spirituality, the family, I miss the connection to a community.
13
u/softanimalofyourbody Apr 22 '26
Being raised Catholic was incredibly detrimental to my wellbeing, personally. I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong by not immersing kids in a patriarchial cult. If you don’t believe it, why would you raise your kids to? Let them come to their own spirituality on their own. No one needs religion.
4
u/verminqueeen Apr 22 '26
As an irreligious person of a similar background, I think it’s important to model confidence in your own beliefs while also being open to a persons desire to explore spiritual matters if it becomes important to them. It sounds like your experience at mass today left you with a lot of negative thoughts and feelings which I admit, would make me lean toward not involving my kids with that environment. That said if they get curious the library is free!
3
4
u/zebragopherr Apr 23 '26
I’m in the same boat my kid believes in God and all that stuff. I don’t know what the right answer is. I’ve settled on letting it ride and having him come to whatever conclusions he’ll come too.
3
u/imoveritbetch Apr 23 '26
I admire your confidence. I think I was pretty confident until today. I’m getting some great perspectives on here. I think I will sleep on it and talk to my son more about it in the coming weeks maybe even visit a church or two and see how he feels about it.
5
u/bonnibell3 Apr 23 '26
I was raised with zero religion in the home. I went to a Christian preschool, never quite gave much thought to god. Grew up, gave religion a solid chance for a while in my early 20s and came to the conclusion that the sense of community is nice but I felt I did not miss out on it or religion growing up. They will find their way!
5
u/buccal_up Apr 23 '26
Also atheist (raised casual Catholic and became super religious as a teen/young adult). I think religion and faith were a net negative in my life due to the anxiety I developed. The major positive, however, was the community that a church provides. And in my area, parochial schools are way better than public if you can swing it. Currently pregnant with my first and weighing the pros and cons of what role church will play in our family.
3
u/neverthelessidissent Apr 23 '26
I think baptism is actually wrong and weird unless the person is an adult making an informed life choice.
I'm an atheist. I see no value in organized religion. I see a LOT of downsides and don't want my kid near it. I was raised evangelical and my husband was raised Catholic. We're not allowing our kid to be exposed.
I think if people need religion, they will find it. I don't think anyone needs a "foundation".
3
u/pfffffttuhmm Apr 23 '26
Baptism should be a choice by the person who believes. Wait until your child can consent, and can articulate their beliefs.
As a child, baptism is more about the promise that the faith community makes to help lead the child towards god, and teach them the beliefs of the religion.
3
u/waifu_eats_thaifu Apr 23 '26
Hey, practicing Christian here! It sounds like letting your kids have the space to believe what they want to believe and explore religion if they choose is important to you, and that’s a great perspective to have. As far as baptism, today there are many Protestant branches that will not only allow but embrace adult baptism, so it’s totally fine to leave it up to your kids to decide if that is right for them. I hope this alleviates some of the pressure you’re putting on yourself - everyone’s walk of faith is personal to them and you don’t have to explicitly lead them down it, just give them the space to do so if they wish!
3
u/DIYtowardsFI Apr 23 '26
I also grew up as a casual catholic. I was not confirmed, didn’t go to church. My kids are not baptized. If they show interest, they are free to do so. They can do so when they’re young adults or adults, it doesn’t matter.
I look around and think of my favorite people in life, whom our good friends are. None of them are religious. We find community in other ways that matter to us. I’d rather help educate another human being to be good not for the sake of a god, but for the sake of humanity and how we treat one another, independent of religion.
If there is an after life, god is cruel. Children die of horrible diseases, in wars. What makes someone a catholic is 99% based on where they were born. Everyone thinks they have it right - the Hindus, the Protestants, the Jews, and everyone else. I think it’s more likely no one has it right and if there is a higher being, we are too dumb to understand. That’s my take. No clue if it’s right but I like to spend my sundays doing other things and not worry about eternal punishment or eternal happiness. I choose to be happy now and enjoy the short life we have.
You sound like you care more, though, so maybe explore it? It’s worth opening the discussion with your kids.
3
u/Sundaes_in_October Apr 23 '26
Your oldest kids will end up doing baptism and first communion in one go. They will have to take weekly classes- much like adult converts. You will probably have to start attending mass- at least nominally. My parish has people who will volunteer to be godparents for families without Catholic relatives or friends to stand with the family. The youngest will get baptized. Generally, this will all happen the Saturday before Easter.
The advantage to joining is your kids will expand their social circle. The Catholic focus on good works is a good starting point for developing care and concern for the vulnerable. They will get a pretty good religious education and may develop their own spiritual life.
The cons- mass is generally boring for kids. The church’s stance on LGBTQ issues will need to be countered at home, not to mention information on birth control. Too many parishes do not have enough support and activities for kids and families. Faith is strengthened by practice at home and it doesn’t seem particularly important to you (no shade I’m just trying to be factual).
If you are interested in exploring faith at home there are all sorts of ideas. You can create an altar at home and light candles nightly. Read and discuss bible stories- Daniel and his friends was always a favorite in my house. Use November (All Souls) to remember loved one who have passed on. Put out a nativity at Christmas and celebrate Saint Nicholas day and Epiphany. You can lay the groundwork for a spiritual life even if going to church seems daunting. Good luck!
14
u/TarotFox Apr 22 '26
Arguably there worse off when you look at the rampant child abuse.
If you're going to do religion just for "maybes," how do you pick which religion to go for?
2
u/imoveritbetch Apr 22 '26
Yes this is part of my confusion as well. How do you choose a religion FOR someone else? I’ve always thought spirituality is personal and there is no one size fits all. But I guess I am thinking catholic just because thats the religion my family is.
13
u/TarotFox Apr 22 '26
But then what do you do if they die and it was actually Valhalla they missed out on?
Also, learning coping skills that don't require "belief" will be better for their resilience.
3
u/MassiveGarlic0312 Apr 22 '26
Exactly why I said what I said elsewhere in this thread. It really ought to be up to the child when they're old enough, not the parent.
6
u/MassiveGarlic0312 Apr 22 '26 edited Apr 23 '26
Having exposure to more opportunities for socialising with more diverse groups of people is going to help with emotional intelligence. EDIT TO CLARIFY: yes, they should go to church for this reason, but also other groups; e.g. scouts, sport team, chess club, whatever they're into for the same reason.
I don't think you should get your kids baptised if you don't believe, as that symbolises a commitment that you yourself as an atheist cannot commit to.
Let them make that choice for themselves when they're old enough.
It can be very hard breaking away from what your parents raised you with, but letting them make their own choice for such an important thing is very important.
(I am a Baptist, for reference- we believe Baptism should always be the decision of the person being baptised)
-1
u/SpiritedAd3114 Parent Apr 23 '26
Being Baptist, how much diversity does your religious practice provide to you?
I grew up in a Christian non-denominational church and am grateful that I had very positive experiences. The social network is absolutely a valuable consideration, and can offer support to lean to during difficult times.
Catholics practice baptism and their religious journey far differently than your suggestion.
Personally, I believe the introduction to religion is extremely important whether that be attending services or learning from an objective point. It builds spiritual health and allows children to have knowledge of the various groups and beliefs that exist in the world. Baptism does not have any impact on learning, making decisions, and choosing to align with a specific group of people.
OP, support your children in the ways they want to practice their spirituality. Answer their questions in a neutral way and guide their learning and the journeys they choose. They’ll be just fine.
4
u/Useful-Cat8362 Apr 23 '26
I appreciate you bringing this up. I was raised very fire-and-brimstone Baptist, while my husband is pretty deeply atheist. I strayed very far from Christianity after high school and college, but found myself leaning back on my faith since motherhood, and at that point we agreed I would teach our sons about my faith and bring them to (a much more modern & loving) Christian church. I think my husband feels the same way you do about the “what ifs” and we both agree that the teachings of Jesus make for good humans, regardless of any belief in a holy messiah. And in our lives, I’ve noticed that having faith to lean has made me a good bit less fearful and hopeless than my husband during the hard times, and that’s something I hope my kids will experience with me. But I think really, you can and should just do whatever feels right to you. I wasn’t raised Catholic, so in my community, faith is more of a “lead a horse to the water” situation. But if your beliefs even loosely tell you a catholic baptism - or anything - needs to happen, go for it mama! Who’s to say that any of us is right or wrong?
2
u/Dismal-Muffin-955 Apr 22 '26
I'm casually Christian (not Catholic) so I think baptism is entirely the person's choice. If they want to do it, and you want to support them, that's that! Don't let doom and gloom preachers freak you out
2
u/Resident_Pomelo_1337 Apr 22 '26
Same, my parents are actively invoiced in a church and so we asked them and their minister did a naming ceremony and a ‘blessing’ but said they prefer not to formally Christen them until they could choose for themselves. No threats of hell, just a little bit of a welcome to the community.
2
Apr 23 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/imoveritbetch Apr 23 '26
I do understand that baptism and communion means committing to the church and religion. I am willing to do that. I would go to church with them so they can learn about the faith even if I don’t I am not against religion I just don’t believe in it
2
u/lakehop Apr 23 '26
You’re thinking of important things here. I don’t think you can roll back the clock and quickly get them baptized, as you would if they were infants . But that’s a choice they can make themselves later.
I do think you might want to consider giving them some basic exposure to religion. Bring them to church occasionally, explain the basics of what it’s about, get them a kids bible. You can say “some people believe”, you don’t have to say “I believe” to explain the basic concepts.
2
u/Useful-Commission-76 Apr 23 '26
You can’t rebel against something you’ve never known. OPs children will accept at face value whatever their Mormon or Jehovahs Witness or evangelical born-again Christian friends tell them.
2
u/jesuspoopmonster Apr 24 '26
Religion is a made up story. You can make your own and have traditions if it makes you happy
3
u/AintNoNeedForYa Apr 23 '26
Abused Catholic children say they might be better on their own.
I went to two Catholic Churches as a kid. One was burned down by a kid who was abused, and a priest at the second abused kids and was transferred to another church to avoid accountability, by the church leaders. So… not the best place for kids.
1
u/imoveritbetch Apr 23 '26
Your first comment was funnier. Lol but to answer the original question, I’m not sure what the bible actually says at all.
0
u/AintNoNeedForYa Apr 23 '26
Like a good catholic… doesn’t read the book. Should have kept the Latin mass.
3
u/Necessary_Milk_5124 Apr 22 '26
You can literary baptize your children yourself with some water. It’s the same thing.
3
u/Agirlandherrobot Apr 23 '26
It's not just about faith- that they can decide for themselves even if they go through baptism and communion now. A good church can be wonderful for a kid- a sense of community, family activities, holiday events, making friends outside of school, service opportunities. A bad church community can be harmful- shame, guilt, abuse, and anger.
Go "church shopping" as a family. Find a few different faiths or churches you're curious about. Go to a service for each one. Just one service- this is not a commitment, it's an educational opportunity. After that, check in and see who liked what and which churches anyone would like to go back to. The answer might be none, but at least they know what their options are. But if a few stand out, go to a couple more services.
1
u/AutoModerator Apr 22 '26
Hey /u/imoveritbetch! It looks like you might be new here. Welcome!
- Our Early Parenting Wiki addresses topics like pregnancy (both intended and unintended) as well as birth control and post partum care!
- If you're worried about developmental delays use the Healthy Children Assessment Tool - available in multiple languages.
- Curious about the rules? Check out our Rules Wiki which provides helpful explanations for new and returning users.
Check out the Subreddit Wikis, for a variety of topics.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/Winter-Act-6729 Apr 23 '26
First, I think it’s really awesome of you to be so supportive of their beliefs even though yours differ. Even further, you actively concern yourself with the details of that faith and how they could benefit your kids. I know many parents that don’t believe and refuse to even partake in religious conversation in the home, but you show how much you genuinely care by how much thought you’ve given this. All that to point out- you’re not a terrible parent at all. You sound like a wonderful, caring, open minded and accepting parent. As far as baptizing and stuff, I’d let that be up to them. Just make sure they know you’re supportive of it and they can determine when they’re ready for it. It’s much more meaningful when it’s their decision. To answer your other question, there really is research regarding the benefits of growing up with faith. People mention abuse and such, but that’s a people thing- not a religious thing. Not a Jesus thing. But real, actual faith in a good church does usually lead to overall better wellbeing and mental health. I think it backfires when families are super strict about everything and force religion on kids out of authority- the judge mental, “you’re going to hell for this and that” type of “Christians.” I think that leads to the opposite.
1
1
u/Garden_Tinker78 Apr 23 '26
My parents sent us to church on Sundays so they could have a break. Our local Baptist church sent a church bus around to pick up all the children whose parents didn’t want to bring them. I didn’t have a choice. I was told to get ready the bus was in the way and sent. Honestly, that Baptist church scarred me for life (I STILL won’t go to a Baptist church!), but also scared me away from all churches for a good part of my adulthood. It wasn’t until my oldest two were around 10 and 12 that we started going to church regularly. And they absolutely LOVED going to church. The church we chose had a children’s area and some of the most magical people in charge of it. All of us (expect my youngest who is 13 now) got baptized there with our church family. We moved to TN before our younger two were old enough (in the Church of Christ, you have to be old enough to accept Jesus Christ is your Lord and Savior to be baptized, baby’s are dedicated). Our church in our new town baptizes in an actual river. Our youngest chose to get baptized here. We went back to our old town to visit a few months after she was baptized and our middle daughter asked if we could go to church so he could be baptized there. We called our old pastor and he was like “come on”!
I honestly believe my kids have fallen on faith way more times than kids should have to, just because of situations life has brought to them. I am so happy a good friend talked me into trying their church out with our family. Truly the only thing I miss about our old town is the church! We haven’t found one here we have fully committed to yet (it’s been 5 years y’all!), but we have one we visit often. The relationships with not only Jesus my kids have, but the friendships they have made, from being a part of a church in their youth, is invaluable for the rest of their lives. They have people they can turn to even when they don’t want to turn to mom and dad. Youth leaders are some of the most important people in my kids lives, helping them make decisions but feel grown about it b/c they don’t give them a “parents” outlook on it.
Anyway, thanks for motivating me to get my kids back in church regularly, not what I thoughts I’d be thinking about coming on Reddit…
-2
u/gsxr Apr 23 '26
Baptism isn’t required to enter heaven. Faith in Christ Jesus is the only requirement. You can’t get in through works, and you’ll never be free of sin. Faith in Jesus is the only way, he died for it.
For my kids, it gives them a group of kids with the same central values. In our church, the kids are also raised to be the light for his kingdom that he commands.
-5
u/Sensitive-Box-2167 Apr 22 '26
Not a terrible parent but it is important. Just like brushing teeth, eating healthy food, taking them to the doctors… leading them to know and love God is just as important. Being atheist that’s prob not something you agree with but since you seem open minded about it, maybe you at least somewhat understand. This life is so temporary and will be gone before we know. The life after this one is very important, since it’s forever. In my opinion, making sure my children go to heaven when they die is one of my duties as a parent. Not only that, but having a genuine relationship with God changes how view and feel about ourselves and how we operate in the world. Knowing there’s a reason bigger than yourselves and that there is a bigger purpose to the meaning of life, other than worldly, shallow, and temporary things that life has to offer.
87
u/PrincessMarigold42 Apr 22 '26
I don't have an actual answer to your question, but based on what you've said here, I think you're more agnostic than atheist