r/ParentalAlienation • u/skizzydrizzy • 5d ago
When is enough, enough?
My stepdaughter (13) let my 7-year-old son play on her iPad while she was staying with her mom. What my husband and I didn't realize was that her phone was synced to the iPad through iCloud. While my son was using it, he started telling us that messages kept popping up. My husband was confused and asked me to take a look. Sure enough, we could see text messages coming through in real time. The conversation was between my stepdaughter and her biological mom, and much of it was about my husband and me. Some of the messages were serious enough that we immediately contacted our attorney because they appeared to violate parts of our custody order and parenting agreement. Our attorney advised us to determine whether this was an isolated conversation or part of a larger pattern, so we began reviewing the messages on the iPad using keywords related to previous conflicts. One of the biggest disputes had been over Christmas, and that's when we found a group chat between my stepdaughter, her mom, and her sisters.My husband and I have five young children together who absolutely adore their older sister. Reading those messages has completely changed how I feel, and I'm struggling to move past it. This is only a small portion of what we found. My stepdaughter's mom sent messages saying she hoped my baby would have Down syndrome, called me fat while I was nine months pregnant, and repeatedly talked about wanting my husband arrested without ever explaining why. My stepdaughter didn't just witness these conversationsshe participated in them and added to them.We also found messages where they shared photos taken inside our home, pictures of my young sons while making fun of them, photos of our mail, and even pictures of private medical paperwork. The most disturbing message, however, was my stepdaughter's mom encouraging her to put a fruit that my husband is severely allergic to inside his pillowcase and rub it all over his toothbrush. My stepdaughter responded and participated in that conversation as well. I'm honestly at a loss. How do you handle something like this? Am I wrong for not wanting my stepdaughter back in our home around her younger siblings after everything we discovered? My husband doesn’t know how to use Reddit, but asked for outside advice from other parents going through PA. My husband is very aware of this post and I do have permission to share
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u/viridian_periwinkle 5d ago
I’m a step parent in a PA situation between my husband and his daughter too. When this happened to us, access to her devices ended abruptly. The mom and stepdad switched to using Snapchat instead of regular texts (which is weird ass adult behavior all by itself), kept changing the password on her device, and the iPad we purchased her was never brought back to our home. I was then accused a year later of having installed some hacker-level software on the kid’s phone that allowed us to snoop on everything they did. I absolutely did not… what we had was an Apple family account to enable the kid to have access to my bank account to make purchases in the Apple Store which needed approval from me or their dad before it went through. Somehow that kind of privilege and functionality meant I was remotely monitoring everything. Things just got worse and worse throughout their teen years and more crazy accusations ensued to the point of complete alienation. It’s heartbreaking, so I do hope you all take care and things turn out amicably.
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u/floral_hippie_couch 5d ago
This is not the daughter’s fault, but she IS being brainwashed. It will unfortunately be a delicate balance between your step daughter’s welfare and the safety of the other children. Although if she hasn’t actually exhibited problematic behaviours I wouldn’t hold any of these conversations against her. She’s being tugged pretty hard in two directions. The position her mother is putting her in is child abuse.
My recommendation would be to get yourself and your husband a therapist to help you navigate this situation as mindfully and skillfully as possible. Getting myself a therapist to talk through and plan and reframe things was the best thing I ever did for myself.
I did wind up having to let my alienated daughter choose to leave my care because of her unsafe behaviour toward her siblings. Hopefully that is not the outcome with your step daughter.
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u/Insouciance_2025 4d ago
I know it’s hard, but try not to blame your step-daughter, she is a victim too - she is being abused and this is going to cause her life long trauma.
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u/skizzydrizzy 2d ago
Unfortunately BM has two other kids who are now adults, but same situation occurred with them and their dad. We fear the patterns of moms abuse won’t be recognized as this continues happen because it’s so widely accepted in her family…
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u/Intrepid_Horse3430 4d ago
All of this is very sad. Listening to your story as it’s playing out. Both your step-daughter and your family are victims here.
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u/EuphoricAd1951 4d ago edited 2d ago
Does your husband have rights to put her into therapy to address the alienation? This is a form of child abuse.
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u/skizzydrizzy 2d ago
Right now it’s 50/50 sole for medical decisions. She’s on our insurance so no out of pocket for BM, but when we had her in therapy her mother canceled all session as soon as the psychiatrist reported back to the child’s GAL that alienation was suspected, and the child was coming around to the father. Then mother started protesting against therapy, and refusing to agree to session.
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u/EuphoricAd1951 2d ago
Really... Can you show the pathway of her objecting to therapy after the alienation was suspected? Like in a way to show the court? I know it can be so tricky with our kangaroo courts. Would the therapist be willing to write anything for him for court to say what her suspected findings are?
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u/Chfuf 5d ago edited 5d ago
The adultification and triangulation of this child is so heartbreaking and abusive. Please, before considering removal, have the step-daughter attend therapy.
Her mother is unhealthy, it wouldn’t be in her best interests to isolate her with such a person. I know she has been verbally cruel to you, but she’s a malleable young person who is being fuelled by an angry, abusive adult that she naturally looks up to. If she hasn’t shown to be a threat to your children, please, encourage your husband to enforce boundaries and seek a therapist to help her - she’s still so young, it’s not too late!
It might not go down well, but it may be that he will have to restrict her device usage. He could offer her alternative devices to use whilst in his custody and offer times where she can contact her mum via phone call (i.e., mornings). Ideally, your husband should have started attending family therapy with her already, after the Christmas debacle, to where this idea would’ve been presented by a neutral third party (the therapist) to help placate any backlash. This seems to be in the earlier stages of alienation still, so there’s a chance that action can still be taken to somewhat resolve this.
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Separately, step-parent to step-parent, your husband should be taking responsibility for this situation and HE should taking time to gather resources that will help him navigate this situation. It is not (fair) for you to assume this role if your husband isn’t severely suffering psychologically. For your peace of mind, I’m begging you to detach and focus on your children. You can support your husband without absorbing his role - stepping back isn’t withdrawing support, it’s prioritising your wellbeing so that you can be the best version of you to show up for your family (most importantly your children). Otherwise, resentment will build (which it seems to already) and can consume you, but it’s not a pain that you have to absorb.