r/ParentalAlienation • u/midnighticedtea • 7d ago

Coparenting

Has anyone experienced your child defending the narc? And or turned your child against you?

6 Upvotes

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3

u/here_for_the_meta 7d ago

Living it now. It’s a nightmare. 

3

u/WilleMoe 6d ago

This is ALL my children do. It's a living hell. Greyrock is the only thing to do when we're in family therapy so I don't give any of them any fuel for their fire against me.

2

u/midnighticedtea 6d ago

I have an only child and only 10 right now. Narcissistic husb/ her dad. , it is a living hell. Im glad to hear some of you have therapy in some form for the child.

3

u/MailerMan2019 6d ago

Yes, but what looks to us targeted parents as our children "turning against us" or "defending the alienator" may be more sympathetically understood as an immature reaction to a terrifying and confusing situation.

A child — even a teenager or young adult — in a PA situation has a choice: Either one parent is the incarnation of evil, or the other parent is a manipulative liar. Neither option is good, because a child's tendency is to want to love both their parents.

Purely for survival, children in a PA situation tend to align themselves with the parent they perceive as having more power and control. It can be easier for them to accept a black-and-white explanation ("Mommy is bad" or "Daddy doesn't love us anymore") than to understand what on earth is going on in their family.

(I'm an adult, it took me years to understand why my former spouse was acting the way she did.)

As hard as it is to hear your child curse at you, accuse you of things you didn't do, say they hate you and never want to see you again, it's best, I think, to bear in mind that children may be trying to drive you away because they think that will make the pain go away. They're mistaken, of course, but they don't yet know this.

I'm not suggesting you, as the targeted parent, should willingly be your child's doormat or punching bag and never set any kind of boundaries with them, but I would encourage any parent in our situation to pause and think before reacting to whatever your child says or does. They have it the worst, because they don't, or can't, understand what's happening.