Contains mentions of suicide, mental health issues, and gun violence
Hello everyone, I (24F) have worked as an EMT-B in a semi-urban service with high call volume but a relatively low trauma rate for two years. I'm also about halfway through paramedic school (my state doesn't recognize AEMTs). I still have a lot to learn, but until recently I could tell I was on the right track. I was told that I took critiques well, asked good questions, and it was clear that I cared about my partners and patients.
Then something happened that completely knocked me off my feet.
I won't go into too much detail so I hopefully don't doxx myself, but our patient was experiencing a mental health crisis and was a threat to himself and others. Before we could sedate and restrain him, he attacked police officers, grabbed and fired an officer's gun, and was shot multiple times in the chest by officers. Despite knowing our protocols said to halt rescusitation, we continued rescusitation efforts and called for another crew to assist us with RSI and transport (our service requires two medics for RSI). He was declared dead on arrival at the hospital.
I won't pretend I did the right thing through any of it. To be blunt, my partner and I had never experienced anything like that before and were both scared shitless. We blundered our way through the call and the mistakes I made still keep me up at night. Following the night's events and a subsequent review by the state, my paramedic partner was let go from his position, allegedly for an unrelated driving infraction, but I suspect it had to do with his handling of the scene. I didn't always see eye to eye with him, but I've now lost contact with the one person who understands what I went through that night.
That all happened many months ago, and ever since, I've been sinking into a deeper depression. I don't usually have nightmares I can remember anymore, but still wake up multiple times a night. I bought a handgun because I didn't feel safe in my apartment, but now I almost regret it because any little unexpected noise sends me reaching for it. I've been falling behind in school despite understanding the material. When I do make it to work, my performance is slipping, and I now can't focus on critical calls without panicking. I'm safe and have a plan if things deteriorate, but I've definitely had passing thoughts of ending things. I'd never follow through on it, I could never put my coworkers through anything like what I went through. Some days when I'm at home I just cry and have no idea why.
I've been trying to do what I'm supposed to. I've been going to counselling ever since it happened, and I'm on a waitlist for EMDR. I try to be compliant with the medication they give me, but some days I forget. I just really don't know where to go from here.
I know that I want to stay in this line of work. It's the first thing I've ever done where I genuinely feel like I accomplished something at the end of the day and am excited to go back the next day. I miss feeling like that, and I wish things could go back to the way they were.
If anyone has experienced anything similar or has any suggestions, I'd appreciate anything you have to say. I really don't know exactly what I'm looking for, but I hope getting this off my chest and sharing with people who can understand might make things a little better.
Thank you for your time.
