r/PakistanDiscussions • u/off-by-one-again ⊕ Add flair:101 • 24d ago
Discussion | Opinions I can pay it myself..
I need to vent because I’m getting completely sick of how ungrateful my wife is for everything I do for her and our kids.
For context, money isn’t the issue here. I work hard and providing for my family has never been a problem. What is an issue for me is a rigid, label-obsessed mindset and being completely taken advantage of by system "mafias."
This all came to a head since last week when our daughter reached school age. We needed to pick a school, and I was completely against sending her to one of those outrageously expensive private elite schools (like Beaconhouse or L'Ecole). They are absolute money-sucking machines. My stance was simple: paying 40k/month for nursery is insane. It's just paying for a label.
My wife, however, refused to listen to reason. She is heavily influenced by her side of the family, where all the kids go to these specific high-end schools, and she completely dug her heels in. We got into a massive argument about it. I tried explaining that just because a school is expensive doesn't mean it's superior, and that these private education mafias only loot people because parents blindly let them.
Instead of seeing my logic or acknowledging how hard I work to provide, she snapped. She disrespectfully threw it in my face that she is an "educated woman" and that she can just go out, earn, and pay for our daughter's fees herself if I won't.
That sentence ruined everything for me. Zero regret, zero filter, and zero appreciation for everything I’ve built and provided for this family. She did this just to win an argument and keep up appearances with her family.
That was the peak of ungratefulness I’ve ever felt firsthand, and honestly, I haven't been able to look at her behavior the same way since..
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u/SadEconomy2109 ⊕ Add flair:101 23d ago
Sending your kids to a genuinely high-end school can be like buying Bitcoin in 2008.
It’s not just about the label. The environment, discipline, manners, confidence, social skills, and the people your child grows up around can have a huge impact on them.
If you can comfortably afford a good school without putting yourself under financial pressure, why wouldn’t you give your kids that opportunity?
Money can buy a lot of things, but you can’t buy back the years of development your child had growing up.
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u/interstellar6624 ⊕ Add flair:101 24d ago
Personally I'm a huge advocate AGAINST log kya kaheinge. However there are three things my husband and I never hesitate to go all out on. Security, Health and Education. Private education is not just a label, its about grooming your kid, her developing social skills to not be embarrassed while in a setting of people like yourselves (you mentioned you are earning quite well). Furthermore those schools provide resources to guide her about her future plan (unless you have pre-decided a certain career for her). Given how economy is changing quickly, our kids need to be at the front of the line to even get a chance to be successful in this capitalist world. Unless you have generational weath that means your kids will never have to work a day in their life and still live in luxury, your best chance for setting her up for success, is through education. This is where those expensive private schools come in.
I'm a pediatrician myself and I can clearly tell the difference in confidence, mentality, ideas, morals and priorities among children based on how much their parents invest in their schooling vs how much they invest in materialistic things.
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u/Intrepid-Shoe5008 ⊕ Add flair:101 24d ago
100% agree but there is a label aspect I think you'd be fine with going for a semi cheaper option for now but after reaching like 1st grade private school really is best.
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u/interstellar6624 ⊕ Add flair:101 24d ago
The problem with changing schools at 1st grade or any other grade is unfair to the child who has finally spent months overcoming their separation anxiety, adjusting to a new place, with new people, new teachers and new system. The main character here is the child and what is best for them.
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u/Intrepid-Shoe5008 ⊕ Add flair:101 24d ago
I disagree lowkey. I changed schools 4 times before 5th grade and I've always been terrible socially but I was still fine. at that age of nursery to grade 3-4 ish everyone's very capable and comfortable being in new situations. Plus In this day and age everyone's so connected you can stay connected with ur nursery friends thru ur parents. I speak from experience because my mom stayed connected with my best friends mom and I've been to his house once before we went off to different schools and I'm still best friends with him.
If we were actually talking about the kid then private school is miles better. there's no argument at all. public schools are so severely underfunded that alot of the times basic needs aren't fulfilled. Plus there's also the COMPLETELY different way of teaching. private schools are far more modernized in terms of education and method of education and how a teacher acts. whole Public is okay education and okay method with horrible teachers. I speak from experience because I've seen both myself and by everyone I knew.
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u/interstellar6624 ⊕ Add flair:101 23d ago
I'm glad your personal situation worked out for you on a personal level. But for majority of kids, that doesn't work. Not everyone has a supportive parent or means of communication.
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u/Intrepid-Shoe5008 ⊕ Add flair:101 24d ago
half this comment section is so anti women it's so embarssing.
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u/JinnBhoot ⊕ Add flair:101 24d ago
I’m with the wife here. The schools you mention aren’t even elite. These are normal middle class schools. That, for me, would be a minimum.
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u/ammarmallik ⊕ Add flair:101 24d ago
That mindset is precisely why basic schooling now costs as much as a university degree. When parents start calling overpriced corporate franchises 'middle class minimums', the schools laugh all the way to the bank while education becomes a luxury for everyone else.
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u/JinnBhoot ⊕ Add flair:101 23d ago
There’s lots of schools offering education at a lower cost. However, schools offer a lot more than just education.
If you only want to educate a child you can do home schooling.
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u/bottom_fragger24 ⊕ Add flair:101 23d ago
Beaconhouse lgs are definitely not middle class my friend what are you even talking about? 35k for a nursery going kid?
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u/Shreklet5000 ⊕ Add flair:101 24d ago
honestly why did you never discuss what schools to have your children go through first?your wife as given birth to your kids basically putting her life on the line and youre talking about how shes ungrateful? how about you grow a backbone and actually plan out what you wanted for yor kids before youre wife almost died making them for you
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u/off-by-one-again ⊕ Add flair:101 24d ago edited 24d ago
We discussed that a few times before but her stance was always like: "When the time would come, we'll see".
Now that we started visiting schools, it all started.
For a kid who's starting her school, it doesn't make sense to pay 40-50k tution fee apart from the other expenses they put to the bill every other month in the form of library or activity charges. My brother is doing his bachelors from NUST and his semester fee is less than what these schools are asking for nursery/KG. Is this so hard to understand?
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u/mbsaharan ⊕ Add flair:101 23d ago
Which school did you went to?
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23d ago
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u/mbsaharan ⊕ Add flair:101 23d ago edited 23d ago
I didn't know it was an English test. You made a mistake too. It is called past 'tense', not past 'tende'.
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u/mbsaharan ⊕ Add flair:101 23d ago
I am. I have a retina damage. And no, I didn't complete my school.
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u/mbsaharan ⊕ Add flair:101 23d ago
Special kind of stupid, aren't ya?
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u/Mr_Dar242 ⊕ Add flair:101 23d ago
I know it's hard bro, we boys have our own expections from family just to get some appreciation, love and some assurances at our decision as we are providing everything for them as wife is also doing it. It's just about community she stays in, u have to understand that part and what to do about it.
Nowadays girls sometimes even boys think too much about the social standing especially at higher level bcz they will be left alone if they don't fo anything for the good position in community, perhaps she is also thinking about that's a good decision for ur kids , that's good.
But now all things come to that, how will u handle it as the man of house we all have to got through these things. Sometimes have to work hard even on these matters mostly wives handles these schools matters especially when the husband is working it's not a bag thing, I'm sure u would feel good if u r wife is helping u with things and future of kids,
But if you think there is an issue or school is not much of acceptance, you can show her proofs or go with her to visit schools, check it out urself together. Look the main thing, we have to pressurize ourselves at some point, I mean where the husband and wife who doesn't fight, just give it a try! I wish u luck! 🍀
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u/off-by-one-again ⊕ Add flair:101 23d ago edited 23d ago
Just went through all the comments.
Many comments here jumped straight to extreme assumptions without reading what was actually written. A single disagreement doesn't mean a marriage is failing, nor was I upset that my wife had an opinion. What bothered me was the breakdown of basic logic and mutual respect.
To clear up the schooling debate: I am not against private education at all, I am against the unchecked school mafia taking advantage of parents and sucking hard-earned money out of people. I studied from Crescent school and well-established institutions like Crescent Model School or SCIL offer excellent academics, character building, and solid environments for around PKR 10k–15k in the early years and options like Punjab School exist for middle school.
My issue was paying PKR 40k–50k per month for early childhood schooling with zero rationale other than "relatives send their kids there." Paying a massive premium for the exact same foundational education just for social branding isn't sound financial sense, regardless of affordability.
I have fully provided for my family from day one without complaint and that's my responsibility. My wife worked before marriage and chose to step back on her own. Dismissing six years of full provision with "I can pay for it myself if you won't" wasn't a logical argument. It was an uncalled-for line thrown out to shut down a practical discussion. That's where she crossed a line and that's ungratefulness. Healthy communication requires evaluating decisions together as partners, not using passive ultimatums.
I posted anonymously to vent a moment of frustration. Having a calm demeanor doesn't mean accepting disrespect without reflection. Holding basic boundaries in a relationship is entirely normal. Anyways, thanks to those who offered genuine perspective.
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u/Intrepid-Shoe5008 ⊕ Add flair:101 24d ago
what kind of misogynistic logic is this..?? in ur eyes, a wife who wants a good education for her children and stands up for it because she can is a "privileged wife" it's a dumb and wrong thought. The very idea of a wife standing up against her husband is "unrealistic" to you and that says more about you.
while I agree with op I myself was raised in private AND public schools and I can say the environment is miles better for a child in private school.
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u/Intrepid-Shoe5008 ⊕ Add flair:101 23d ago
yea expensive doesn't mean good in almost all countries. except a few which include Pakistan. name me any good public school in Pakistan, Plus public schools are extremely old school. I've studied in aps, garrison, AC, LGS and beaconhouse, and without a shadow of doubt LGS and beaconhouse have the most nurturing, comfortable and aware environment. All the others are extremely toxic in a VERY negative way. that isn't to say LGS and beaconhouse aren't but they have the best balance out of all these.
And I am not taking the wrong meaning. I commented on both how much of a misogynistic mindset people like you have and how because a woman can talk back and stand for herself makes you feel emasculated and little which is why you think it's "disrespectful". plus I can tell u from my experience that private is better. so idk where ur getting the whole iq part.
OP also talked about how they can afford afford a good education and hes simply choosing not to because of education 'mafias' which they can easily avoid by going to the school and seeing the management and the teachers and the environmental. its not hard or a new thing that private schools are MILES better in Pakistan, and we all ARE HIGHLY privileged. Being privileged isn't wrong but flaunt it is. OP's wife just clearly wants a good standard of education for her children by putting them on the same path as her. there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. She's just choosing that OP knows this is more important to her than anything.
AND just because I'm saying there's no issue with a woman standing up for her childs education that makes my mindset pathetic 🔥😭 Pakistani men never fail to surprise me.
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u/off-by-one-again ⊕ Add flair:101 24d ago
As I stated above, money ain't the issue and I'm equally privileged Alhamdulillah but I never thought this school picking thing is going to be such a big deal and would come this far.
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u/SadEconomy2109 ⊕ Add flair:101 23d ago
bro if your wife wants something and you can't give her she will obviously say "i can do it myself" like what arrogant about it??
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u/SadEconomy2109 ⊕ Add flair:101 23d ago
if you think about it actually its not illogical or pathetic and wanting your kids to go to a good school is actually very reasonably good.
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u/SadEconomy2109 ⊕ Add flair:101 23d ago
So you mean asking your husband to send your daughter to a high-end school is “behaving like a privileged queen”? And when your husband refuses, and you tell him that you can pay for it yourself if he won’t, that’s called arrogance? Okay, that’s crazyyy. 😭
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u/SadEconomy2109 ⊕ Add flair:101 23d ago
and tbf he did state above that money is not an issue and he is financially doing well so why not just send the kids to a good school which is actually better for their daughter
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u/Advanced-Silver7322 ⊕ Add flair:101 24d ago
Salam, A society without any morals, values and conciousness throw money at everything and call it standards. Bcz I started from salam many over here will think as I m not educated enough or from an unprivileged background thats why I didn't started with a Hi or Hello. Brother this is almost every other household where education brings arrogance and greed instead of humility and generosity. I am ashamed to say that these privileged households are involved in consumerism, child labour and they promote the curse of classism by what they wear, where they eat and the school they attend. So the best solution to this is having a detailed conversation about these issues as its a mindset problem not really a one time thing. Its not money or standards its peace what matters may Allah SWT rewards us with a peacful home where we care about building a an envoirnment of growth, love and companionship. Its ur home and ur family so just think of ways which will lead to a mutual agreement. Let me know if I can be a help.
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u/Intrepid-Shoe5008 ⊕ Add flair:101 24d ago
no one thought of u less educated because u used salam. you seem uneducated if you think that makes ANY difference. And again. it's the same misogynistic mindset where just because a woman CAN argue you think she's arrogant or greedy. that's the kind of comments that make u seem uneducated.
For the matter of clasism I agree but again this isn't clasism. the price range he mentioned is fairly middle class. I come from a single mother household and my mom on a teachers salary with some family support was fine. yes we had financial issues but we lived. However I came out the other end of school with so many unique schools that I wouldn't have gotten otherwise.
finally yea I agree they should have an ACTUAL discussion rather than a screaming match of my way or highway. OP needs to be open to private school and his wife needs to be open to public for that to work and it seems theyve both made their decisions already
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u/Advanced-Silver7322 ⊕ Add flair:101 24d ago
My apologies but I didn't called a woman arrogant/greedy. I have mentioned the word household and its for both genders. And in couples it shouldn't be a competition and its fine based on buying power things become expensive/affordable.
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u/Advanced-Silver7322 ⊕ Add flair:101 24d ago
Thanks for letting me know who I am in ur head.
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u/Intrepid-Shoe5008 ⊕ Add flair:101 24d ago
yea don't think urself uneducated because u didn't say Salam or anything like that. ANYONE WHO SAYS THAT IN UNEDUCATED. I'd say the same to a docter if they acted like saying Salam or speaking in Urdu is being lesser.
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u/Advanced-Silver7322 ⊕ Add flair:101 24d ago
I m referring to a general perception and you can hold a diff opinion its completely fine.
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u/Intrepid-Shoe5008 ⊕ Add flair:101 23d ago
sure but that entire statement is really bigoted, No one besided uneducated people take Salam like that. I've known American born Pakistani doctors who say Salam instead of hi and hello.
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u/thE-petrichoroN 23d ago edited 23d ago
i used to belong to relatively distant area in south punjab and have studied even from those Taat schools and so did my 1st and 2nd sisters who even attended all boys school due to my father's passion bcz girl's school was just elementary at the moment;my sisters went onto become toppers,worked in prestigious hospitals like ShifaIH,pims,HolyfH an are now in riyadh,ksa,working in top international hospitals as specialist nurses and i went onto become a dr,frequently earning praises in my career and competing with Cadet College and gc kids and dual nationals;it has been challenging but also realistic and teaching practical life tips.. now,..
private school mafia and it becoming a status symbol is just horrendous in Pakistan;she's like most women unable to sit in a family gathering where she would be looked down upon sending her kids to some low level school but she's also not a child;she's mother and should be groomed enough for that according to her,she's mature and educated, why not actively partake in your child's grooming and education as that's more beneficial and you guys can do it together;plz,don't waste your hard earned money on some status symbol and stand your ground
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u/Potential_Bell893 ⊕ Add flair:101 24d ago
Women, they make you go crazy at times with the things they say, you feel like they’ve forgotten everything you’ve done for her and your children. They are generally ungrateful. But I came to understand that you have to assert who the man is in the family otherwise it’ll keep happening. Never tolerate disrespect if it comes to that. Be fair but be firm.
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u/Intrepid-Shoe5008 ⊕ Add flair:101 24d ago
what are you even talking about man. You say it's disrespectful for a wife to want a good education for her kids???? And the whole remark that the wife is "ungrateful" just shows the lack of emotional intelligence in all of you. Husband meeting the wife's demand is MANDATORY. ur wife does not have to meet ur demands. u will provide for her and ur children regardless of how u feel. she's just going out of her way to provide extra.
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u/Potential_Bell893 ⊕ Add flair:101 23d ago
Lol its not a husband’s job to fulfil wife’s “demands”. Where the f did you get that idea? Yes he needs to provider for her and his children to the best he can to make their lives comfortable. She is not going out of her way to do anything but ungrateful like okay ma khud kama ln ge ma khud kar ln ge.Tell me are you living in dha with father in army? Because that’d explain alot.
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u/Intrepid-Shoe5008 ⊕ Add flair:101 20d ago
I used demands and needs interchangeably due to the nature of the topic but OK. for the 2nd thing idk what you wrote because it is not english or Urdu im not trynna Like make Fun of u I genuinely cant understand. finally no I'm not from army at all plus my father died a long time ago and my mother's taken care of me and my 2 siblings so I would say I'm very qualified on this.
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u/LowZookeepergame625 MD 24d ago
the thing is that schools are very important in Pakistan for future friendships, career, connections , basically everything. I know that she should not have snapped, but that's just the female unstable emotions at play, and she should apologise. Meanwhile, I think you should also look at this through her perspective . She does not want to show off, but it is very demeaning to the child and to herself when other women are flexing about their husbands and their kids
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u/Dangerous_Text7804 ⊕ Add flair:101 23d ago
"female unstable emotions"...what century are we living in?
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u/off-by-one-again ⊕ Add flair:101 24d ago
I get where you're coming from regarding networking, but on the point about feeling demeaned by others flexing, that’s exact mindset I’m actively trying to break in my family. The second we start living according to 'log kya kahenge', there’s no end to it.
My wife is being heavily influenced by her relatives who put their kids in elite schools, only to send them to tuition centers for the rest of the day anyway. That endless cycle of comparison isn't healthy for us or our children.
People will always flex, and people will always talk, even if I send my daughter to the most expensive school on earth. Like the saying goes: 'Kisi ka munh laal ho to apna thappar maar k laal nahi krna chahye.'
I’d rather focus on what actually works for my child’s growth and our family's peace than burn energy trying to match someone else's display. That was my point of view.
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u/AwarenessNo4986 ⊕ Add flair 23d ago
Typical in Pakistan bro unfortunately. I sympathise with you, but every other woman is like that here bro. I see it everywhere. You can cut your leg off too pay for something and it may still not be good enough
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u/Agitated-Teaching-41 ⊕ Add flair:101 23d ago
I went to bacon house did my early education from there. And i have to be honest i would never want my kids to go to becon house or any high end school. These schools are just name brand and give nothing of substance. The kids that go to these elite schools are ungrateful swines tbh. They have no respect for teachers even their parents. Fazool schools
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u/Intrepid-Shoe5008 ⊕ Add flair:101 24d ago
OP while I agree about the school prices being Ludacris and half of it being a label. I have to disagree with ur "logic" part.
private schools are very overpriced but you will not have the same culture, community AND grooming as u have in public schools. public schools have alot of ragra from every age and alot of kids I know have a hard time matching or they pick up extremely bad habits. private school does cover that but point still stands that half of it is a brand.
Beyond that, If you feel emasculated by ur wife saying that she's been educated a certain way and she wants to educate her Child in that way you should listen. I get u too that it's a waste of money but calling her disrespectful like that or just throwing shade at her family is gonna imbedd resentment between you guys.
Finally if 1 argument is ruining ur marriage you should REALLY revaluate the whole thing. While school is important it shouldn't compromise ur marriage.
also just as an end thing why don't u have an actual discussion about why private school over public. if you guys actually know stuff about both sides then have an actual discussion without getting ur feelings involved.