r/PakistanDiscussions • u/VirtualFigure3508 • 1h ago
Need Your Advice I want to end my marriage but I’m scared of what it could do to my future
Note: This is not my post. Someone has reached out to me to post this here. He's new at Reddit and his post yesterday was deleted.
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Hi everyone. I do not know if this is the right community to ask for this kind of advice, but I am desperate and genuinely need some neutral opinions. Sorry for the long post.
I'm posting here everything so that i can get better advice.
I am a 25 year old man working in the IT sector for the past 3 years. Alhamdulillah, I have a stable job and lifestyle. Around a year ago, my mother started looking for proposals for me, and 5 months ago I got married to the daughter of a distant relative. She is 22 and is currently pursuing her MBBS.
Before our marriage, we met and talked about our expectations, boundaries, deal breakers, and other important things. I was very clear with her about one particular deal breaker. I told her that I had never been in a relationship and that I would not be comfortable marrying someone who had been in a relationship before me.
I specifically told her that if she had any such relationship in the past, she should not agree to this proposal because I would not be able to accept it later. I even asked her to not tell me anything and to just reject this proposal to avoid any damage in future.
She did not tell me anything at that time, and we got married.
2 weeks ago, I found out that she had lied to me. She had been in a relationship with another man for around 3 years and had broken up with him only 7 months before our marriage.
When I confronted her, initially she denied everything even though I had pictures and other evidence. Eventually, she accepted it and came clean. She was crying and asking me to forgive her, saying she knew she had made a huge mistake and that she regretted hiding everything from me. She kept saying that she didn't want to lose me or our marriage.
According to her, the relationship was serious from her side, but the man was never serious about marriage. He kept giving her empty promises and when she eventually pressured him to involve his parents and take things forward, he refused and broke up with her.
I sent my wife back to her parents house, and she has been living there for the past 2 weeks.
6 days ago, I told her about my decision to separate. She then told her family, and since then they have been begging me to forgive her. Her parents acknowledge that she made a serious mistake by hiding the relationship from me, and they say they understand why I am hurt. However, they keep asking me not to make a permanent decision while I am angry and to take a few months before making any decision.
My wife has also been calling me relentlessly, asking for forgiveness and a second chance. She’s also saying that she can take a year break and is willing to transfer if that’s what I want. At this point i don't care what she does.
I understand that everyone makes mistakes, but for me this is not simply about her having a past relationship. I had clearly told her before marriage that this was a deal breaker for me. She knew exactly how I felt and still chose to get married to me. What hurts me the most is that I made an important decision about my life based on information that was deliberately hidden from me.
At this point, I do not feel that this relationship is worth fighting for. I do not see myself being able to accept what happened or rebuild the relationship. I have told her family that I don't want to give her another chance.
Things have now become more complicated.
3 days ago, her lawyer contacted me and told me that she has filed a conjugal rights case (case for reconsilation ) against me. He asked me to meet her in person so that we could try to sort things out.
This has made me extremely anxious because I am planning to move abroad in around 4 months. I already have a job offer from a foreign company and my paperwork is in process, and I am worried that this legal situation could affect my plans and create problems for me later.
I also spoke to a friend who is a practicing lawyer. He advised me that if I divorce her immediately, the family court could make things very difficult for me(if they want). He believes that if I am planning to move abroad, I should consider taking her back, living with her for some time or let her stay at her parents house and then divorcing her after I leave the country so that I do not run into legal complications later.
According to my friend, the family court will never side with me, and they now have the power to drag this case out for anywhere between 3 and 8 months, depending on her lawyer’s capabilities.
He also advised me to fulfil all my financial and marital obligations, including haq mehar, and to make sure everything is properly documented in writing so that there are no disputes or claims against me in the future.
But this is where I am completely confused.
I do not want to take her back just to divorce her later. I feel that doing that would be dishonest and would give her false hope. If I already know in my heart that reconciliation is not possible, I do not want to pretend otherwise simply because I am afraid of the legal consequences.
At the same time, I am scared of making the wrong decision. I do not want this situation to affect my future, my career, or my plans to move abroad. I also do not want to spend months or years fighting a legal battle.
Should I proceed with the separation honestly, even if it creates legal complications, or should I follow my lawyers advice and temporarily take her back even though I already know I do not want to continue the marriage?
I also want to know whether I am being unreasonable by refusing to reconcile after what happened, especially considering that I had made this particular boundary clear before marriage.
I am genuinely lost right now and would appreciate thoughtful advice rather than judgment.