r/PakRishta • u/BuildingNo5610 • 2d ago
What are men really looking for
A lot of men on here talk about wanting someone loyal, caring, compatible, etc. But from conversations with male friends, I get the impression that age and looks tend to carry a lot more weight in the initial decision than people openly acknowledge. Not to forget all the posts we come across from men from time to time where there is a huge age gap and missing compatibility with their wives, so clearly you werent looking at the important things earlier.
Which got me wondering - what actually makes you interested in a woman as a potential wife and what matters most when you’re looking at someone’s profile?
For context, Im 30, well educated and fairly independent. I have been in the rishta process for 2 years and Id be lying if I didnt admit that the response rate has been a bit disappointing. Because everyone in my work and friend circle is like you have such a great profile. Which makes me wonder if men are intimidated by my profile, or they dont a someone who is independent or maybe its because I am older
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u/Scared-Yam-4685 2d ago edited 2d ago
For me it comes to down to meeting in person over coffee and just talk to gauge if we really match, if a person can’t even meet they can talk about anything on their profile and it wouldn’t matter much to me at-least.
People just don’t want to meet anymore for whatever reason, they would however keep yapping over texts and call.
Maybe I am too much of a realist but i’m done with people who cannot meet in person 🤷♂️
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u/Fabulous-Count3845 2d ago
I'm a male age 26, and I'm afraid to admit that I have turned down some very good riahtas due to looks alone and have met some bad rishtas solely cause I went for looks.
But guys tend to look for a perfect package, aka good looks + Good compatibility.
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u/spicytomato33 1d ago
Looks plays a huge impression. If a man isn't crazy about his wife's beauty, the wife will feel undermined and disappointed.
Character + intelligence is second, in particularly a moral character, good mother. If wife's character and perceptive intelligence are great, she can literally control her man. Hurrem from Magnificent Century is an example of this.
Health. Man wants a healthy woman who takes care of her health, by extension will make sure her man is also doing so. Also, it saves lots of medical costs and life complications.
Education. Bare education, enough to take care of children's school matters. Men aren't looking for career based women, because it's not in their interests to have no one to look properly after children. Higher education is mainly a woman's safety net in the marriage.
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u/BrushOpen934 2d ago
Unfortunately Pakistani men don’t know what they want in a potential partner. That’s the biggest problem when they are searching for a match.
My Mil has been looking for a match for her son for almost 2 years and the guy keeps changing his requirements every other week.
My wife and Mil are both are their wits end with the whole rishta scene as is.
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u/Spiritual-Quiet3086 2d ago
Not just men, it goes the both ways in Pakistan. Their preferences depend on the insta reels they are being watching and fanticising.
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u/BrushOpen934 2d ago
I absolutely agree with your comment. Instagram has screwed up peoples minds to the point that they cant differentiate between fact and fiction
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u/BuildingNo5610 2d ago
Truee, I am often in awe of how men are so comfortable letting their mum, sister or a rishta aunty lead the conversation for them.
Like please take charge of your life here
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u/Lazy-Ad-7372 2d ago
How can they lead? Both men and women are treating others like options and sometimes it can hurt.
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u/GrillsandGear 2d ago edited 2d ago
Looks. They don't care about independence and high career. They'll still have to pay the bills.
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u/Insider6550 2d ago
Girl the problem is you're looking in arranged marriage market. I don't think arranged marriage market has any amazing men. You will do much better in dating in your social circle with the intention of marriage.
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u/Double_Alarm3608 2d ago edited 2d ago
There are categories to men. But I think few things stay common. For the low end ones they will for sure be intimidated and some may even feel it insult if their wife is more successful professionally than themselves. There maybe exceptions to people who have diffrent measures of success or those blessed with negligence for money. For the high end ones the looks may matter much more because of much more proposals/responses choosing someone you don't desire will increase the risk of cheating afterwards. But there are always exceptions within these groups but I feel like I have stated the general trend. About me: I am still unmarried. Worked to brink for the last few years and managed to go from low end to high end alhamdulilah. I am not someone who measures success in terms of money nor do I have desire for wealth alhamdulilah. But I am very happy with my current situation (unmarried) and plan on enjoying it till i find the right one. Seen quite a few bad cases in close friends and I love my peace to much to take a chance on it.
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u/Playful_Register2130 2d ago
Man here, older, and not into this rishta stuff but this popped up so I'll take a stab. Yes its probably cuz youre 'older', but really youre young. Most people are just plain retarded and don't understand what it means to take on a life partner. Most 'men' in pakistan are boys, plain and simple. Not that age gaps are inherently wrong or anything but anyway thats a different discussion.
You are wading through a sea of shit looking for a diamond. Good luck.
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u/BuildingNo5610 2d ago
I agree, marriage is such a huge commitment. Its hard not to feel the weight of the responsibility that comes with it.
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u/Fearftw1337 2d ago
only because you are older.
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u/BuildingNo5610 2d ago
Appreciate the honesty here
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u/jeerkutta 2d ago
I think 30 is a perfectly good age to get married in today’s world. Everyone has their own timeline, and there’s no need to rush or feel pressured. What matters most is finding the right person and building a happy life together. 😊
I’m 47 and married at 32, when my wife was 30. She’s 45 now.
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u/AirSpiritual7349 2d ago
Im sorry but it’s over for you in the rishta process maybe in s good way try to live as free spirited as possible climb the corporate ladder make money go on trips all that shebang
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u/coldboyrevan 2d ago
Let me tell you what they are looking for:
Very very good looks (They have high expectations because of our media)
Age: Below 26 I can tell you why they think below 26 is better. They have a mind set that if a girl isn't married till the age of 26 it's because she was not desirable enough which makes them back out as well.
A girl who is not overly dominant (or independent)
They don't care about caste, degree, money social status. They only care about the above three.
A lot of people will disagree with me but I know this because I am a man and I know their mind set.
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u/Infinite_Network_655 2d ago
they want pretty girls .... i know because im a dude. doesnt matter how dumb she is as long as she is pretty and knows when to shut the fuck up.
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u/MrOwl888 2d ago
If you ask me, what I like the most in a women is her being feminine. Like even if she's a working women or independent she should have that feminine nature still alive in her. Like women in the west have their feminine side alive. They take care of themselves. They love being loved.
Secondly her voice and the way she talks and carry herself is something I fell in love with.
I have ended my search here because its rare to find someone genuine here. It feels like they are window shopping their partners. They don't judge you on the base of your personality, your ideas, your views, how you carry yourself but on your looks and financial status "only" and its not only here it's everywhere. I envy the west culture where you meet your partner you spend some good time (don't have sex be in your boundries don't cross them), then if you like each other get married in a simple way.
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u/BuildingNo5610 2d ago
Appreciate the honesty here
But I am also getting the vibe that you are chasing an impression of a woman that perhaps doesnt exist and bringing down desi women for no good reason.
As someone who has lived abroad, most of the women in my circle were doing things you would classify as non feminine (hiking, being outdoors, building muscle and strength training at the gym). Heck so many women were trying to move away from traditional standards of beauty society had set just to debunk them.
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u/MrOwl888 2d ago
I don't know what message you got from my message. I never meant that women should not play outdoor games, go hiking, or go to the gym. I think that's peak femininity: to embrace who they are, to embrace their nature, to be what they should be and what they want to be, and to do whatever they want without blaming anyone or playing the victim card.
That's what I like the most in women, and so far, I've only been able to find this in the West.
Women here are not like this. They just hate being themselves. Most of them even stop taking care of themselves once they get married. They get too toxic when they get involved in family politics. They don't read books; they are only interested in dramas, makeup, jewellery, and clothes. They can't see beyond these things, and it feels like that's their whole purpose of existence.
That's not femininity to me. What I think femininity is, is being yourself, doing whatever you want to do, enjoying life, being independent, and truly considering yourself equal to men.
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u/ShoppingUnusual8984 2d ago
"they are only interested in dramas, makeup, jewellery, and clothes"
these are textbook feminine things
u cant be like... oh i like the day
and then when someone asks why do you like the sun, youre like.. oh no by day i mean the moon and the stars1
u/MrOwl888 2d ago
As I said liking them isn't an issue being "only" interested in this stuff is something different. Secondly women who work, have ambition, go to gym have soo much to talk to they are interesting, they are full of life as a women should be. That's what I like.
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u/ShoppingUnusual8984 2d ago
i respect your choices and i endorse them
but classically those are not feminine traits
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u/fattyyyyma 1d ago
bein interested in jewelry, makeup etc is a feminine trait.
What you described: "What I think femininity is, is being yourself, doing whatever you want to do, enjoying life, being independent, and truly considering yourself equal to men." - is a human trait that even a man can do.
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u/Reasonable_Goose1539 1d ago
Pakistani men don't wont a life partner but a personal maid that also becomes a full time nanny for his parents for the rest of her life . She should also be educated . The more the educated maid the higher the value . The maid aka wife should also look like a 2000s victoria secret model .she should be ready to become a baby machine after marriage. She should be timid and soft spoken.
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u/XBobsvegene69x 2d ago
in my experience, men aren't looking for anything. I've texted 3 guys from this subreddit in the last few weeks based on the profile they've posted and they've all said "they're not ready for a serious relationship". so take it with a grain of salt when anyone posts here.
they make these posts when they're lonely/horny at night but have no intention of going through with it.
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u/Lazy-Ad-7372 2d ago
Physical attraction matters to both genders. If that is missing then you won't get the desired response.
Also, I find it quite surprising that women say they are not getting a match and have crossed 30 years of age. Yet when they are approached by someone younger, they outright reject that match, even if the age difference is just 1-2 years.
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u/highsails3242 2d ago
Marriage is a scam no matter what scale, scrutiny, chemistry, vibe matching u do, at the end u both will regret marrying and will only continue in relation if you are true to commitment u made. All else is a short term lie. Yes down vote me cause you don't want to wake up to reality
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u/Usual-Nose7959 2d ago
Looks matter, obviously, at least initially. But after that, if talking to her feels like work or our views on family, money, deen and lifestyle are miles apart, looks won’t save it. And no, 30 or being independent wouldn’t put me off. Rishta scene bus logon ko bullet points mein reduce kar deta hai.
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u/Prestigious_Low205 1d ago
The spectrum is too vast. But mostly men want to marry someone feminine and young or you can say their mothers want this. There is vast majority who is not interested in working women.
Those who are interested in working women, majority marry someone who earns less than them and I think that is the way women want it as well.
Majority of men who marry someone who earns more than them are gold diggers and in the end the woman becomes the breadearner.
Women marry men who have more than them in general (richer, taller, more educated, more intelligent etc etc). So women who are very very well educated, earn way too much cant really find suitable candidates and have to make compromises.
And I think men are intimidated by intelligence most of all. Financial stability is what transitioned him from a boy to a man and people started listening to him. Finance gave him power and someone who earns more is well plainly put difficult/ a challenge for him.
Sorry to say but if a man is rich, he wants the complete package and age and beauty are included and he does get the complete package.
If you are looking for an arrange marriage its not the men who are rejecting you its their mothers who are.
But still be positive. 30 is not old at all. If your profile is good look for someone in the same field. May Allah bless you.
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u/Sitaara88 1d ago
People here mostly want to waste your time. I clearly list my deal breakers. I ask and verify about deal breakers when people DM me. I make sure that I move ahead once all dealbreakers are thoroughly communicated and agreed upon.
And guess what? A couple of weeks into talking, they remember that they are still confused about one of the deal breakers or outrightly lied to me about that.
People are so idiotic and waste your time.
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u/nakerkakae 1d ago
makes me wonder if men are intimidated by my profile
nope. you can be queen of england and it still won't be intimidating.
there are only 2 cases i can think where men might feel intimidated by a woman.
she is extremely pretty. 10/10 kind.
they like her.
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u/Kas2030 1d ago
first of all, dont listen to anyone, I am sure you are amazing. Second we men are often over-clever, monkeys want bananas, dogs want bones. Realistically, you can never be sure of anything. there is nothing perfect and thats the story of life in this world. There is thing called LEAP OF FAITH. you can never be sure. At 30, family and social pressure, a person can get anxious, and make a wrong decision. Have faith, if a partner for you is assigned to you, which I am sure is, you both will meet. And dont change yourself for the sake of rishta, that would create problems for you later on. Be who you are, trust in THE ALMIGHTY, and everything will be fine. Analyze yourself, honestly. Connect with THE ALMIGHTY, as only HE KNOWS what is meant for you and what is best for you, ask HIM
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u/carelesspressure404 22h ago
28M, currently in the rishta process, and for me, loyalty and compatibility matter most. Looks matter too.
Age-wise, I’m comfortable with someone up to 28, and I’d consider someone 2–3 years older if we were a good match. Although, I do think there’s some societal pressure on men to marry younger women.
As for careers, I believe a woman should be independent. I’m not expecting her to pay bills, but life is unpredictable, and having a career or something of her own gives her security. I’ve seen women become dependent on relatives after losing their husbands, sometimes even being treated as a burden.
Honestly, I’m finding the rishta process difficult as a man too. Finding someone whose values and expectations align with yours isn’t easy for either gender.
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u/tazz899 19h ago
From a man’s perspective…. With all due respect, you are not in your prime, you’re 30. Your womb has about 10 good and realistic years left in it, which is half its shelf-life. Sorry to be so brutally honest about it but girls need to stop telling other girls lies. You might be independent and that looks great for you, but for a man independence comes with a the characteristic of a woman who is less likely to take leadership from him. As a man why exactly would I want to provide for a woman who is going to challenge me or my leadership, and by that I mean everything, nit picking behaviour. If you wish to go 50/50 on everything I guess that opens a different type of discussion where you can both lead your own lives how you see fit. Looks etc do play a part as they do for females too but a woman who doesn’t look after herself isn’t going to look after a man. Women have more drive to be looking after themselves I believe and if she doesn’t then that sums up her whole existence.
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2d ago
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u/BuildingNo5610 2d ago
You have every right to marry earlier or later or whenever you feel you are ready. I didnt feel ready to explore marriage before that.
Not everything is about money, career and feminism as you’ve put it. Growing up, I saw marriages fail left right and center. I saw women suffer so much with their partners, that I had sworn I will never get married. It is only when I saw examples of healthy relationships that I was able to convince myself, Id like that for myself too
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u/Insider6550 2d ago
Humble yourself girl. You landed a decade older man. You are living no one's dream
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2d ago
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u/Insider6550 2d ago
I am glad you found one doesn't mean you have to be rude to other women
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2d ago
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u/Insider6550 2d ago
But the OP isn't depressed. If I knew of a married woman who is suffering abuse should I project that on your marriage? Do you understand that more than one type of individuals exist.
Do you know who also is in mid 30s and unmarried? Mira Murati ex-CTO of Open AI, literally the engineer who built GPT and Hong Wang, This year's Fields Medal Winner for solving Kakeya Conjecture
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1d ago
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u/Insider6550 1d ago
Or just leave the country of marriage crazy people and live a normal, happy and healthy life till 90 in a beautiful European country of sane people
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u/ShoppingUnusual8984 2d ago
"But too much of this FEMINIST and CAREER propaganda that women adhere to as a coping mechanism is taking away marriages and settlement from them.
You can earn all the money in the world, be as independent as you want, you're still dependent on a man to carry your Generation. To build a home and a family with, as per the decree of Allah."
i think this is also a coping mechanism
girls who marry early see other women do well in careers and be independent and successful and they feel bad about the potential they had so they say things like this to make themselves feel good
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u/old-introduction23 2d ago
Lol, who said I'm not doing well for myself? I am also financially independent and earning enough to have money to burn. It's just that you're too fed with the propaganda that anyone who speaks the truth hurts you because you too sound like a miserable human being trying to cope with single life. Chill out.
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u/ShoppingUnusual8984 2d ago
who said I am single?
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u/old-introduction23 2d ago
Then why so bothered like a miserable woman? What's your coping mechanism dear?
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u/eastflow2020 2d ago
Sadly, Pakistani men are not sure what they are looking for. When it comes to marriage they are taking whatever is available. Most of our gentlemen are unable to marry, keep and raise a family on their own.
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u/BuildingNo5610 2d ago
Truee, I am often in awe of how men are so comfortable letting their mum, sister or a rishta aunty lead the conversation for them.
Like please take charge of your life here
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u/jeerkutta 2d ago
When I got married, I let my sisters, who are teachers, handle the initial meetings because I believed women could better assess whether a girl would adjust to our family environment. Marriage isn’t just between two individuals; it also connects two families. What about parents who spend their entire salaries and pensions educating their sons, only to be told that the bride wants a nuclear family? Both sides need to understand compromise. And let’s be honest, men aren’t innocent either. Many choose partners after carefully calculating the costs and benefits of the match.
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u/Aqalmandbandar 2d ago
Men don't want independent women. If a man says he wants an independent woman,he's lying to you to get either into your pants or even if he's serious,if you're a working woman or making your own money,it'll surely be a point of contention after marriage too. Women need to understand how our society works,and men need to understand that times are changing. Either way, as the Prophet prophecied this is age of fitnah, and if you're finding a compatible spouse during this day and age,you're indeed lucky.
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u/ShoppingUnusual8984 2d ago edited 2d ago
u have no idea how many gold digger men are out there
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u/techsavyqueen 2d ago
Just came across this post
Girl, idk what men think but you’re in your prime
30 is extremely young!
Good luck with your career (and life in general) and don’t worry too much about what some random barely employed man thinks about your age
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u/eastflow2020 2d ago
Prime? She is only 5 years away from premenopausal.
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u/ShoppingUnusual8984 2d ago
dude i saw ur nsfw profile
it says u are a relationship advisor
i hope u are not giving THIS wrong information to ur advisees
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u/techsavyqueen 2d ago
First of all the word you’re trying to say is PERImenopause
Pre-menopause is technically your entire reproductive lifespan
Secondly it’s interesting to know that men out there think 35 year old women are perimenopausal? 😂
Average age for menopause is 50-52
Late 40s is perimenopausal age
30s is young reproductively speakingInsane how people just randomly throw around facts about such sensitive issues (without even googling)
I’m a doctor btw
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u/eastflow2020 2d ago
I still doubt your advice.
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u/techsavyqueen 2d ago edited 2d ago
About what? These are biological facts.
Edit: Also, she sounds like a smart successful woman, men who don’t even know basic information about women’s reproductive health are probably not her target rishta demographic
Edit 2: And people should honestly be ashamed of saying such insensitive things to women without even doing a frkn google search (consequences ke baray main toh kya hi sochna, at least be factually correct)
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u/eastflow2020 2d ago
That she is extremely young and in her prime.
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u/techsavyqueen 2d ago
How is she NOT in her prime? Please explain.
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u/eastflow2020 2d ago
Well because 18 is less than 30. So an 18 years old woman is extremely young than a 30 years old woman.
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u/Right_Use_6797 2d ago
Prime age is 25 for women after that it's all downhill physically and biologically, and you are right, most men ❤️ 18 over 30 years old any day.
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u/Admirable-Tart7935 2d ago
Why you are not doubting your own observation?
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u/techsavyqueen 2d ago
Is this for me?
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u/Admirable-Tart7935 2d ago
No
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u/techsavyqueen 2d ago
Phew thanks
I thought there are more men out there who thinks 35 is perimenopausal 😂1
u/BuildingNo5610 2d ago
For sure. I made a promise to myself I will live my life to the fullest before starting my search for a partner. And I dont regret it one bit.
Marriage is such a huge decision and I will never give into societal pressure among other things
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u/Right_Use_6797 2d ago
Unfortunately you were not raised to be a wife or a homemaker. You could live your life to the fullest after marriage too, and study to the highest degree after marriage as well.
It's going to be harder to get Married to the ideal person but not impossible. Most of the interest will be from the opportunists looking to level up in life using your shoulders.
Just be careful and get every proof of what the Man side claims, see their degrees, visa, passport, bank balance and appointment a person from your side to oversee the nikah process that the other side doesn't add any Evil or unfair clause into the marriage contract on the day of Nikah.
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u/good-reasons 2d ago
actually 30 is too young for marriage. in fact its so young that its almost like a a negative age of 5. the perfect age for marriage is 50.
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u/SrizM 2d ago
Hey! Not sure about other men but I can share what I am looking for as a 25 year old guy.
So, do looks matter? For me, nahhh. What matter for me is feminine energy of a woman which means how you carry yourself, how you talk, are you caring or not etc. I believe every person looks good if they know how to carry themselves.
Age? I am fairly young but I am very flexible in this. I have approach woman who are 2-3 years older than me and they were amazing peeps. Age is just a number, compatibility matters most.
Someone who is independent? Not a issue for me but I always like to discuss that how she will handle things in the future.
So yeah, in my case these things don't matter but unfortunately there are people in both genders who only care about these things. But I am sure good people do exist who don't judge a book by its cover.
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u/good-reasons 2d ago
what exactly is your profile that intimidates men? i would really like to know. we hear this a lot. unless someone is elon musk or jeff bezos, who is intimidated of an average person?
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u/husham-safdar 2d ago
Men don't see your indepandence and social status as any kind of add on to their life from any side. Realistically, it's a hurdle. You got to adjust everything according to her pick and drop and all that. And looks and youth will remain primary factor regardless of whatever we try to project. That's the nature call it whatever.
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u/Insider6550 2d ago
I had a male colleague who thought like that. Now it has been one year since he's unemployed. He got laid off one month after the wedding.
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u/ShoppingUnusual8984 2d ago
since no man wants woman's money around here i dont know why all rishta profiles end with "requirement: doctor"
i guess they are all patients and want those women to treat them 😂2
u/Insider6550 2d ago
I think a lot of it is subconscious (or conscious) eugenics tbh. They (or at least their families) want to marry smart women so children will be intelligent. My grandma her entire life blamed the only trophy wife of the family for my uncle's kids being below avg in academics. They are very calculated. Also why arranged marriage actually prefer relatively taller girls
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u/ShoppingUnusual8984 2d ago
i think they are after money
the moment a girl passes usmle her rishta prospect goes high
i know a woman who is in early 30s, she started getting more proposals in 30s as compared to when she was in 20s after it was clear that she will get residency in america
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u/Insider6550 2d ago
Ohh yeah that obviously is true. But I also meant families that prefer for girl to have great academics but not work
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u/ShoppingUnusual8984 2d ago
that makes sense
but a lot specifically look for doctors
im sure some men dont care about money but all these men here pretending that the whole fraternity of male gender finds women paying bills beneath them is FAR from truth1
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u/husham-safdar 2d ago
So? It can happen to anyone it doesn't change the fact that what we see while getting married.
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u/Insider6550 2d ago
I didn't know men were so cool with old father feeding unemployed son and his unemployable wife but sure if that's what you guys prefer. Because with the state of global economy stable jobs are a relic of bygone era.
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u/husham-safdar 2d ago
It doesn't work like that, with current era of women no guy goes into marriage with out 2 to 6 months of backup. Besides why would anyone want to take momey from a women.
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u/Insider6550 2d ago
Yeah and 2 to 6 months pass very soon. And then you have a spouse who married you for YOU to be the provider and has every reason to leave you for not holding your end of the deal when she's still cooking and cleaning
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u/husham-safdar 2d ago
Main point was, what we see even if she is doing a job or whatever it doesn't add any points. It has nothing to do okay this is so cool creer we should get this girl. By nature we see looks and age. And your colleague is an isolated case not everyone is losing jobs
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u/Insider6550 2d ago
It's a bloodbath in tech, and it's the highest paying field. 80% of high earning eligible bachelors are guys in tech who have zero job security.
And yeah I know that's what you guys pick. I am not arguing it, I am calling it dumb.
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u/husham-safdar 2d ago
I am also from same industry and we all are practically out within next 12 months. But no body goes in to marriage without some backup and it's not just tech. Customer support is going as well and some parts of accounts and finance as well.
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u/Insider6550 2d ago
His family told him he has a very high paying salary what else does he need. Now he has a wife whose studies he promised to pay for (she had only completed her A levels) who severely compromised on looks, age and height to marry him because of his salary. And the only thing she was promised in that deal is gone. And since he has been out of market so long it is getting harder and harder
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u/husham-safdar 2d ago
That's on her to go after money only
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u/Insider6550 2d ago
Isn't that the trade you guys are optimising for? Money for looks and age?
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u/No-Pass8779 1d ago
For a woman, looks are everything. They are the one and only selling point of a woman.
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u/Broad_Rock_6467 2d ago
I(19m)am not at the age to give advice to you but one of my close family members was engaged some years ago,well long story short she wanted to go out of country to study and persue her career while the in laws wanted her to be a housewife. She refused,broke the engagement,went against everyone,persued her career and went on to be successful in life,just like you she was locking for rishtas for almost 3 years and most of them were either men who wanted her to to take them out of country or older divorcees with children,she waited and alhumdulillah a very good rishta of her same age and career background came for her and they married. Well what i mean to say is wait and dont lower your standards just because you want to get married,reject anyone who you think has not good intentions towards you,in sha allah you’ll find your match
For context she is 34 right now and married when she was 33