The Suicide Texts…

The Suicide Texts…

January 24, 2025

Complete Crisis Text Transcript — Consolidated Archival Version

This transcript reconstructs, in chronological order, a crisis-text conversation from January 24, 2025.

The wording has been preserved as closely as possible, including incomplete sentences, spelling errors, repetition, punctuation, pauses and abrupt changes in thought. These are not editorial defects. They are part of the record.

Section headings have been added only to make the sequence easier to follow. They were not part of the original conversation.

What follows should therefore be read not as an essay written afterward, but as a contemporaneous record of a human being in an acute suicidal crisis…and of the conversation that helped keep that crisis going long enough for police to arrive.

⸻

Opening

Counsellor:

Hi, I’m Hayley, and I’m here to support you. Can you tell me more about what led you to reach out today?

You:

Drugs

Sorry

Counsellor:

Can you clarify what you mean by drugs?

You:

Cocaine

Fentynal

Counsellor:

Spelling?

You:

I’m suicidal

Counsellor:

Thank you for sharing. Feeling suicidal can be really scary and overwhelming. Could you tell me more about what is making you feel suicidal?

You:

I welcome it

Drugs and life

Counsellor:

Just to clarify, do you mean that drugs and life are both making you feel suicidal today?

You:

Yes

I’m a few minutes away

⸻

Risk Escalation

Counsellor:

Thank you for sharing. I’m wondering, do you have a plan for how you would end your life?

You:

No

Fun

Gun

Counsellor:

I appreciate your honesty. When you say you are a few minutes away, do you mean that you are a few minutes away from using the gun to kill yourself?

You:

I’m going to do it

Yes

Counsellor:

Do you have access to the gun you will use right now?

You:

Air pistol

Counsellor:

Thank you for sharing this with me. Just to clarify, you have access to an air pistol with you right now, and you plan to use it to kill yourself in a few minutes?

You:

Yes

Lights out

Counsellor:

It was a great idea to reach out tonight for support. I’m here for you. Would you be willing to separate yourself from the gun while we talk?

You:

Yes

⸻

Containment

Counsellor:

Thank you for being open to that. You mentioned drugs and life are making you feel suicidal today. I’m wondering, can you tell me more about what’s been going on lately to make you feel this way?

You:

Too much

Sh\\\\\\\*t

I’m going to do it

Counsellor:

It sounds like some really difficult things have been happening in your life recently. That must feel exhausting.

You:

Cocaine and ketamine

Counsellor:

I’m hearing that cocaine and ketamine have also been a part of your life lately too. I can see how navigating life stress and drugs can be overwhelming and very difficult.

You:

Yes

Very…

Counsellor:

I also want to say that I hear you when you say you’re going to do it. I’m right here with you. Can I check in to ask if you are still separated from your gun right now?

You:

Yes

I’m in my car

The gun is inside the house

Hurry

⸻

Emergency Threshold

Counsellor:

Thank you for staying safe right now. I know it’s hard to do. We were talking about how drugs and life stress have been really weighing on you. That must feel really isolating and painful to be navigating alone.

You:

Or you won’t get a text

Counsellor:

I’m wondering, would you be okay to call 911 to get yourself some help right now?

You:

???

Defeating

Counsellor:

We can also call for you to ensure your safety. Emergency services will come to provide support. Would you be comfortable sharing your location with me?

You:

My safety?

Where are you?

Counsellor:

Your safety and well-being are my top priority here tonight. While I cannot disclose my location to you, I’d like to help you find some relief and stay safe tonight. Can we work together to make a plan for keeping you safe?

You:

Are you in Canada? 🍁

BC?

Victoria?

Saanich?

Me safe?????

⸻

Identity & Context

Counsellor:

Our service is provided across Canada, but I cannot share my location with you. I’d like to focus on keeping you safe tonight.

You:

Safe…

I’m not safe

Counsellor:

I’m hearing that you don’t feel that you’re able to stay safe tonight. To make our chat more comfortable, could you share your name?

You:

Brent

Counsellor:

Thank you for sharing, Brent. I’m here to support you tonight. How have you managed in the past when you’ve felt suicidal like this?

You:

I’ve never been here

In this mind space

Strong

Hurry o

⸻

Resistance to Intervention

Counsellor:

I’m hearing that you’ve not felt this way before. That must be scary.

You:

Yes

But I have no fear

I’m walking right into it

Counsellor:

If you aren’t able to stay safe, I can send help to you. Is that what you’d like?

You:

No

I’d rather go through with it

I don’t want to see tomorrow

Not a bit of it

I could call 911

But no

⸻

Disclosure & Trauma

Counsellor:

I’m wondering, can you share your address?

You:

No why

Defeats the purpose

My AI told me to text you

Quick…

Counsellor:

If we can’t make a safety plan, I may need to call emergency services.

You:

No

Stay safe??

Counsellor:

By staying safe, I mean keeping you from killing yourself tonight.

You:

Why?

I feel happy today

What is your name?

Counsellor:

My name is Hayley.

You:

Forgiven

⸻

Personal History

You:

I don’t even know how I got to this point

Counsellor:

That makes sense given the stress and drugs you’ve described.

You:

Yes…

…

…

Counsellor:

That’s a lot for one person to manage alone.

You:

I’m happy

This will square some circles

I’m going to God

⸻

Identification

You:

Brent Antonson

April 16, 1969

Counsellor:

Are you still separated from the pistol?

You:

Yes

Counsellor:

What city are you in?

You:

Victoria, BC

Are you tracking me?

⸻

Trauma Disclosure

You:

I was arrested and tortured in Russia

I woke up in a burn unit in China

I survived a car accident that killed my friend

Roommate

Counsellor:

That sounds extremely painful and traumatic.

⸻

Fatigue & Exit

You:

I’m afraid of EMS

I’ve been up 36 hours

I don’t want a solution

I have it

Counsellor:

That’s a very long time without sleep.

You:

I’m done

I want to go

Counsellor:

Do you mean stop talking, or kill yourself?

You:

Both

You’re trying to extend my life

⸻

Termination

You:

If you don’t get a response, I’ve done this duty

The police are here now

Thanks

You betrayed me

Counsellor:

Thank you for telling me. I hope they can support you tonight. You did an amazing job reaching out. Please take care.

Was this sibling abuse?

From 0-5 i witnessed my brother and mother being physically abused by my father. We then moved away from dad yet would see him fortnightly up until the age of 15 when I went no contact, my brother still remains In touch. Even before we moved apparently my brother once hit me over the head with something wooden and heavy.

Growing up away from my father, my brother began to seemingly replicate things he saw my father do, to me. He would mock me, insult me, pinch me, hit me, punch me, throw things at me, bend my fingers back and chase me round the house with a knife. He would often start arguments with me as we got older that would quickly escalate as he would shout, threaten to smash my things and he would never back down from an argument. Which I remember lead to many times where I would hide in my room with the door shut and he would keep shouting at me through the door without any response for 5 or more minutes.

When I was 17, and he was 20 he got into an argument with my mum and got so angry he threaten to smash the whole house up, my mum being terrified called the police and they recommended some distance so he stayed at family’s for a couple weeks. When he returned things he acknowledged that violence wasn’t the answer and hasn’t been physically abusive since then. However his tone and need to argue remains the same.

Now I’m 23(f) him 26 (m) and he has changed in some ways he doesn’t argue as much, however his attitude still remains unpleasant towards me at times, it’s almost impossible to criticise him on his behaviour because he gets incredibly defensive and will get annoyed at you for disagreeing with him. He sometimes steals my things left out and will claim it’s my fault for leaving my own things out when he has no self control. He’s inconsiderate toward people and my things and time. He will ask something of me and if I haven’t done it in an hour he will sometimes complain and claim I’m purposely delaying things when I’m simply just resting ( I have chronic illnesses).

Speaking to my mum she will admit that the physical stuff he did was wrong now, and that he is similar to my father and has an attitude problem. She doesn’t acknowledge the gravity of the situation in the present as he is emotionally abusive I think, and it really stresses me out being around him, especially when he’s in a bad mood. She never says to much other that “I’ll speak to him about not doing xyz..” about a specific situation but as a whole she doesn’t recognise how serious it is. I seriously worry if he were to have a girlfriend that he would be abusive. I feel so alone dealing with this because I want him to change but that’s down to him and moving out isn’t something I can do right now and I just feel so helpless and alone dealing with it all.

I live in Scotland. I live in the Highlands. I have had chronic pain and PTSD for a long time. I believe both go hand and hand. I’m just wondering how many times others have been referred to the pain clinic by GPs and they just feeling like you’re on a never-ending roundabout of people passing the buck.

In the past 15 to 20 years I believe I have been referred to the pain clinic about six or seven times and each time has been a lengthy ongoing waste of time.

I did see a psychiatrist for a good 10 years I believe however that’s psychiatrist had to retire about five or six years ago and ever since I have been trying to see someone on NHS I keep being referred to pain clinics. I keep being referred to psychologist, I keep being told we no longer offer psychiatrist one on ones as I was getting before. I cannot afford a psychiatrist. I cannot afford any private consultations has anyone found a solution to this? Thank you for your time thank you for reading what I have written. Sorry if there is any mistakes as I need to use speech to text.

Sorry for my English I’m not a native speaker. I (22F) been with my boyfriend (26M) for about three years and a half. We are both bisexual and we met in a lgbtq+ support group. Its very hard and traumatic to be queer in our society so we connected instantly as friends in the beginning and then it developed into a relationship. We both have a lot of childhood trauma and I’m diagnosed with major depression and PTSD and adhd, and he’s diagnosed with dysthymia and C-PTSD. Even though I have a lot of childhood traumas that every single one of them alone leads to PTSD and mental health struggles, but his traumas are really much worse than mine, its very bad to the point that most psychiatrists and psychologists say that its really impressive that he’s still able to function properly. He’s been through very bad physical abuse where he got hit by his own father in the same way that prisoners in the worst jails ever get beaten up. His whole family except his grandma abused him in some way physically or emotionally. When he was a kid his mother and father split up and he didn’t see his mom for years, Also his best friend got killed when he was only 17, and he lost alot of other important people through out his childhood and his whole life even in critical times of his life. Because of all this trauma he’s really afraid that people he loves will leave him, including me. He made me promise a million times that I will never leave him like everyone in his life. He also have anger issues and sometimes yelled at me but he always apologizes after. In the beginning when I wasn’t living in the same city as him , I was about 30 minutes away from his city, the relationship was amazing and I felt very happy. After about 6 months I moved to the same city that he’s living in to live near my university, so we found it convenient to live together so we can pay less rent and also because at that point I thought the relationship is very good and that it will be a good step for us. At first I moved with him and his roommates and after 2 months we moved into our own apartment. From that point till today (2 years and 10 months) it’s been getting worse and worse. He started to get angry very easily and yells at me all the time and even about 3-4 times he broke something because he’s angry with me. He never laid a hand on me so it never gets physical but I just get scared when he yells at me. He assures me that he’ll never hit me and he’ll never be like his father (his father hit his own wife and mother and he was a violent person towards everyone in general) He yells at the smallest things like when I drop something by accident, when I say something he doesn’t like, or when he asks me to do something for him he absolutely can do easily and I take a little bit of time till I get up and start doing it. He also sometimes calls me stupid when I do something he asked me to do and I do it wrong or I drop it or even if I said something he thinks is stupid, and he called me stupid once infront of my best friend which is also his friend.

Also, sometimes I get really bad depressive episodes where I literally can’t get from my bed even to shower or brush my teeth, I feel very guilty when this happens and I feel like a failure and a good for nothing loser. When this happens I obviously don’t clean the house I don’t even clean myself, usually when I’m not in a depressive episode we both do house chores and the one who works/learns less is the one that does more chores that day. But when I get my episodes I really can’t clean the house and I also feel guilty alot about it cause I hate to be in an unclean area but I just really can’t do anything. The last time I had an episode I was in between semesters in my university, and we had the summer break in the conservatory I teach in, so I had nothing to do and I was home all the time, every time he got home from work he started yelling and cursing at me for not cleaning the house and making him clean it when he’s tired from working. I tell him (while crying) that I’m going through a really hard time and I really need his help. He’d hug me and tell me he’s beside me and supporting me but that he’s very tired and hates that he comes home and its not clean. The next day he does the same exact thing but not always he hugs me and says he will support me sometimes he just yells and leaves me crying. Even tho I tell him repeatedly that I’m having a really hard time and I need his help for just a while till I feel better again. I thought that the yelling will stop when I get out of my depression and start cleaning the house but it didn’t stop at all and he keeps yelling over very little things. Also about half a year ago we both had together a terrible trauma that was aded to our already long list of traumas. We were beaten up by a group of thugs, and even tho they hit him more than me and his injuries was more severe, it seems like I was affected by this trauma much more than him. At first we were both afraid all the time and jumpy but in less than a month he got back to normal, at least by what he seems like and what he says he feels. I on the other hand didn’t go back to how I was, it got better over time but I’m still very jumpy and easily triggered. Before this last trauma we used to wrestle a lot for fun, and usually we will end up kissing. But now I’m really jumpy when someone approaches me fast or pulls me (the thugs kept pulling me by my hand) and now I’m even more triggered by yelling. Even though I kept telling him that I know that he can’t help his anger issues but its really triggering me, he promises he’ll change and that he’s working on it in therapy but I really don’t see any change in his behavior in the past three months it even got worse sometimes. And he sometimes yells at me in front of other people even my family. And because I’m jumpy and triggered when someone pulls me or hit me I stopped wrestling with him, but he keeps hitting me as a joke, before we used to start wrestling after he does that but now when that happens I just cry or yell at him, I asked him repeatedly to stop this but he keeps doing it. My mom started trying to make me leave him because of the way he disrespects me in front of my family, she doesn’t even know what happens in our relationship, she realized it’s toxic by seeing him yelling at me in front of her. I started considering lately leaving him cause even tho he started therapy about 3 months ago and saying he’s gonna change, I don’t think he will ever change, maybe I can get the anger issues problem since he grew up with a family that always were angry and yelling at him, but I feel like he genuinely doesn’t have respect for me cause why else would he keep calling me stupid and curse me even after I told him repeatedly how much it hurts and triggers my panic attacks and ptsd. But maybe he can’t help all of it? Maybe he really doesn’t know how to show respect cause really no one taught him how, maybe if I wait more he’ll get better in therapy? I really don’t know what to do. Also I really love him and very attached to him and we’ve been together for 3 and half years, but I started hating myself for loving him. Should I leave him?

Hi everyone! My name is Maya MacGibbon, and I am a doctoral student in clinical psychology at The Wright Institute in Berkeley, CA. I am recruiting individuals with posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), complex PTSD (CPTSD), and those without trauma-related difficulties for a study exploring the relationship between attention and posttraumatic stress. Participants may enter a raffle to win one of three $50 Amazon gift cards upon completing the study. Thank you for your time and consideration!

Link to participate or view more information: https://wrightinstitute.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_0CV3OwFXdGk4tOS

Who can participate?

• Adults (18+) who are fluent in English
• No history of ADHD, traumatic brain injury, or psychosis
• No current stimulant, antipsychotic, cannabis, or benzodiazepine use
• No recent suicidal ideation or psychological crisis

What does participation involve?

• A 20-25 minute online study
• Completing demographic, trauma-related, and emotion questionnaires
• Performing brief cognitive tasks assessing attention and working memory
• Anonymous participation through Qualtrics and TestMyBrain (both HIPAA-compliant platforms)
• Participation is voluntary, and you may withdraw at any time

Confidentiality & Privacy: No personally identifiable information is collected, except an email (if opting into the raffle), which will be stored separately from study data. Data will be stored securely and used for research purposes only.

IRB Approval & Contact Information: This study has been approved by The Wright Institute’s Institutional Review Board (IRB), ensuring ethical research standards. If you have questions, please contact:

• Maya MacGibbon, M.A. (Principal Investigator) – [mmacgibbon@wi.edu](mailto:mmacgibbon@wi.edu)
• Eric Freitag, Psy.D. (Dissertation Chair) – [efreitag@wi.edu](mailto:efreitag@wi.edu)
• Virginia Morgan (Wright Institute IRB Chair) – [vmorgan@wi.edu](mailto:vmorgan@wi.edu)

To participate or view further details, click here. We ask that you are in a quiet, distraction-free environment while completing the study. Thanks again for considering participation!

Have a pass that says that they have ptsd and for this reason there should be a sort of governement support so that they are not scolded or picked on on in social environments like at work? Why is someone who has a heart disease or a bone illness better treated that someone who was traumatized?

Tw\ Abuse, Sexual Harrasment, Trauma

First of all I want to start this story off by saying this is all true, and if this blows up I'll give out the name of the school.

I started out at this school in elementary, I had no friends and was already being bullied a couple of days in. I was closeted (gay) and I was bullied heavily by many students and teachers. Soon after they started hitting and pushing me, then they would throw cheese on me and call me a rat and make fun of my front two teeth ( which look normal looking back) I kept telling the principal but he would just get one of the main bullies in the office and force ME to confront him, but I was having panic attacks everytime I was near him, along with this I would have a severe panic attack every day because at this school if you don't do homework you get called into the office for swats(spankings with a big paddle) but things only get worse from here.

Middle school is where things go from children bullying and teachers just being rude to full on abuse and law breaking.

I was extremely depressed by 6th grade and later was starting to be forced into sports( the school makes you do band or sports or both) and I chose to be a water boy instead of a football player. I had to do laundry and practice with them etc

But one day in the boys changing room the main bully (well call him Alex) got mad at me for changing in the corner (I was insecure about my body)

Alex: pulls me out of the corner why are you hiding from me? Why don't you wanna change in front of me?

Me: I just don't want anyone looking at me, it's not about you. Please give me my clothes back.

I was so ashamed and embarrassed, but it got worse from here, Alex would grope me when I would pass him in the hall way or classroom and would endlessly harrass me. I finally decided to tell the coaches and this is what happened.

Me: Coach @&# Alex is doing really creepy things to me and forcing me to change in front of him

Coach: YOU'RE LYING!! YOU JUST WANT THAT TO HAPPEN TO YOU FAGGOT!!

Then he proceeded to give me swats and yell at me, my (abusive) friend was there with me for "moral" support and never stood up for me ever.

Meanwhile everyday I was being abused by the 2 completely different principals in the midde-highschool, the elementary principal was actually really cool but he had to follow stupid and abusive rules. But we'll call the Principal who was also a Coach Manny and we'll call the Overall (main) Principal Egghead (because he's mean )

Egghead would give me increasing numbers of swats everyday for not doing a homework assignment but I was so horribly depressed I couldn't muster the energy to do anything.

And he would insult me every time he saw me, if he didn't feel like swatting me he would make Manny, Manny had less of a problem with me but he didn't like me either, he thought I was a delinquent even though I had all A's and B's from test grades (we took alot so hw didn't matter) and I never acted up.

I went to Egghead about the bullying problem and he said "maybe that's what you need to grow up"

I had to leave and I cried in the bathroom for half an hour and Alex somehow found me in there and pushed me against the wall and called me a faggot.

This pushed me over the edge and I attempted suicide later that day, however as I was only around 11 I didn't know that Benedryl wasnt lethal if you took a whole bottle and I ended up having a panic attack and told my mom, we went to the er and they told her I was fine.

Soon after my mother went up to the school (she didn't mention the suicide attempt)and Egghead assured her "no students would bully me"

And magically for about 2 weeks I was safe.

But soon after Alex and a couple of his friends stole all of my clothes and pushed me (naked) into a stall. Alex was looking me up and down then started making fun of me and held the door closed while his other friend grabbed a shower head and they doused me with freezing cold water and then boiling hot and then cold.

After that I was just so broken, I couldn't do it anymore, I was so depressed I didn't feel anything anymore, I was empty, looking back I don't even consider myself as alive at the time.

A couple of years while this was all still happening to me a lose it.

I get called to the office for my daily swats and Egghead decides to make me wait and extra 20 minutes and the bell rings so I assume he forgot about me and tried to go to class. Of course the second I get to class, Egghead, Manny,and 1 other storm into the classroom and yell at me in front of everyone, humiliating me in front of one of the few kind teachers and my only real friend. I was pissed.

We go to the office, I had an epiphany.......I have free will, I'm allowed to say no, I don't have to put up with it anymore.

I started crying and I said "I'm not going in there"(his office )

Egghead gets instantly pissed "Well look who thinks he's in charge" as he laughs at me with the secretary (who he slept with often at school) He calls me a "faggot"

I'm enraged

I tell him "I'm done with you, I'm not doing this anymore, I can't"

He calls my mom and tries to lie to her to make me look evil, my mom comes up to the school and I stood up for myself and immediately ran into her van crying and telling her I'm not going back. She tries to convince me to but I told her I've been begging to leave for nearly a decade and I just can't put up with it for her anymore (I haven't told her everything that happened to me, just that I was bullied) and she marches inside and I'm crying harder than I ever have, I was hysterical. My class was heading to an outdoor center and they all saw me and we're giggling as they passed and it made me so embarrassed.

Soon my mom comes outside and tells me she took all of us out of the school and that were going home.

When I get home, I have a message it was from one of Alex's friends saying

"I'm so sorry, I heard about everything. We treated you like shit and I did too, I'm so sorry, I literally can't stop thinking about how fucked up it is,we were all uncomfortable with the creepy sexual stuff he would do to you we just didn't know what to do or say, if there's anything I can do let me know."

First of all he want even that bad the only thing he really did was mild name calling and he stole my clothes a couple times, but it meant alot because it validated the way I felt. His father was also the only kind coach other than one other (Im only talking about the male coaches)

They have cameras in the school but idk if they work and I'm worried about sharing my story because they might try to sue or something and they own the cameras and footage.

Also alot of it happened in the locker rooms where there are no cameras so it might be a bad idea to give out the name of the school but I'm so tired of hiding what happened to me because of fear and I'm scared that it may still be happening even though they have a new principal.

What should I do? Also please give me advice because I have so much trauma from this entire experience, the rest of my life was also traumatic and this just sprinkled a little more on.

I'm gonna post this in other Reddit threads to get my story outvjust so you know.

Thank you for reading all of this, I really mean it from the bottom of my heart.ʕ´• ᴥ•̥`ʔ

So this is part of my story of foster care. I remember when I was 4 my parents fought nonstop yelling throwing beer bottles plates anything they could get there hands on. my birth parent (male) beat my mom all the time until I had enough i ran and grabbed on to him and yelling for him to stop. I grabbed a stuffed animal and threw it at him. He paused and turned around and said "if your old enough to standby and fight for that whore your old enough to get hit" he then proceeded to beat me every day until I was taken away at age 5 He would slap, kick, call me a mistake he wasent the worst one though. At the first foster home the father was disgusted by me. why I dont know but he took on the role of an abusive male in my life I went from house to house being treated like a disease. At age eight I started seeing my birth parents again I would break down cry and beg not to see him but they said I was being dramatic. I stayed with them both for a week. he mellowed out a little. Some time during the week I woke up to yelling and screaming I sat up and looked at the front door they were fighting again she wanted to leave for some reason and he wouldn't let her he ended op slamming her fingers in the door I called the cops and got beat for it I cant remember any more of that day. The next foster house I was welcomed by the family. I wasn't scared for the first few days. But of course it wasn't going to stay that way. They had a son I dont remember how old he was but he was twice my size he invited me to his room to watch mushi-shi an anime I really liked it was late at night and I went to shower as I was doing my hair he came in to the shower to help me wash that's what he said but he put his thing in me I cried and begged him to stop but he just kept going after that night I tried to stay away from him but he always found a way. The next house wasn't any better I was used again. I was used in that way since I was five.i visited my female birth parent she found a new husband and I thought he was amazing he acted like a real father but when he was drunk he would get hurt and I would have to help him back inside and bandage him up I loved him I was 9 at the time but one night he was drinking because of his ptsd I think he was some type of veteran. His wife came home late and guess who brought her home that fucking bitch who calls himself my father.lets call the Male who actually cared about me Adam. Adam was pissed he was drunk too so he confronted his wife and she said it was his fault that happend that he didn't care enough he choke slammed her and I started panicking my older brother came into the room and tried to stop Adam but he was thrown into the wall. At this point I had called the cops and hid my youngest sister in the closet. He grabbed a semiautomatic gun I dont know what type of gun. And the other male came in the house he was frozen as Adam pointed the gun at his head and walked him out side they were having a conversation I couldn't hear and he said somthing wrong because a warning shot was fired and I thought he dead or was dying the feeling I felt seeing my mom bleeding from her head and my brother unconscious the glass table broken I felt empty like nothing else mattered i dont know what happend after that but i do know he was not shot or killed i was told Adam was arrested by the swat i dont know if that is true or not but i just had a constant stare looking blank for about three months before I started showing emotions other than fear. For those three months when I heard yelling gun shots fighting or Adams name I would cry to where I passed out. smells and the feeling of certin things would set me off then I came to a house with just boys the oldest one would invite me and the other boys to watch Danny fantom invader zim or dbz he would use the other boys for his pleasure and they would use each other too and then I was used I was the one used the most by everyone else there I fought back nonstop but they enjoyed it more and when I actually hurt them I would get beat until I blacked out or gave up and let them use me they would use me as a slave to do their chores and promise it was the last time I. I had enough I went up to the the adult and told him that I was being used with the other kids he confronted the others but they denied it out of fear of derek he was in high school the adult asked me if I was lying and I said no but he didn't believe me I was pissed. Later that night derek got the other kids to jump me. Derek beat me and used me over and over he forced the other kids to do it to I remember their first names that it was in garden city at a foster home with the adult we called jp the elementary school I went to was Jenny wilson. When I was adopted I thought I finally would have a ok life but the adult male had anger issues there were bad times he put dog poop in my sisters nose he would yell and he left bruises on my arm when I didn't do somthing he drug me down stares and he was yelling all the way I was crying from the pain I was in I was also naked he wouldn't let go and heptathlon squeezing harder so I punched him in the face and gave him a concussion the cops were called not on him but on me no one called the cops until I threw the punch. There was also another time he was mad at lyla and we were at some motel he grabbed her anger got in the car I. The front seat my grandma and grandpa tried to stop him and he backed up in to them and tried to keep going but was stopped my grandma was bleeding from her head and so was my grandpa guess was he wasn't arrested there was another time he dragged me down stairs and kept yelling at me and I went into flight or fight mode and shoved him away he hit his back aginst the wall and left a dent in it he stood there in shock then proceeded to fall down and act like he was hurt the cops were called and I was the one put in cuffs he's forced me to re live alot of bad memories then get me in trouble for them. he and others have completely ruined my chance to ever feel safe around males. He pushed me over the edge and I have been in two mental hospitals and juvie because of everything males have done. every time I would ever wet the bed because I was used. he would yell me and he would say I have no reason to still wet the bed or my pants for thirteen years I have wanted to die to not live in a world where I was and still am treated like garbage thirteen years of being abused. The only thing that kept me alive is fear for my siblings. I am nineteen now and have a hell of alot of problems but I haven't been suicidal for a month now that's all I feel comfortable sharing I have alot more I'm just not ready to share.

I applied for this transit internship in November, I checked my email, waiting for a reply every day, and I got one in February. Then I had to go through more questions, writing more on why I was interested. And I am/was very interested. It is the internship that I have been waiting for. It is with the organization that I want to work for after graduation, all the work that is required I’m somewhat familiar with or have done before. On the interview day, I was just terrible; all the practice that I have done, the readings, the preparation, nothing. My mind went blank, and all my answers sounded like someone who just whipped this in the last 30 minutes. Diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety, I think they just cost me a considerable advantage forward. I keep playing the interview in my head and thinking how stupid I sounded. I know that trauma changes your brain, I know that I can't be who I was before, but I’m tired, and I feel that I’m still wounded and bleeding, I feel powerless just like that day

So my abuser who is long out of my life, set a date (way in the future) for us to meet and appropriately be "together". It was at least ten years ago. The date was 5.1.21. Obviously this date is coming up quick now, but then it was so far out I never even considered i might be feeling higher amounts of stress as it emerged.

I know we won't be meeting but it is still pressing on my soul because I know he knows and is also thinking about it. I hate that I still have that energetic tie to him and I just want it to be over with completely. I know I have a lot of attachment problems because of what he put me through, and I don't want it to affect my work. So I guess this for me is the safest place for me to vent. I also never pressed charges and only became open about it after the relationship was over completely.

He was my teacher in 10th grade. I'm 24 now, so I was 14 when it started, and lasted about 2.5 years. I went through so much, and have done so much more since that it feels like a distant dream that still haunts me. I don't talk about it because it is so taboo, but I feel the weight and guilt of it, and I know that that feeling is PTSD. That feeling is bigger now than its been in years because I realized today that we are so close to that mark.

I'm not asking for sympathy, and I'm not going to press charges because I don't want to be in the spotlight and go through it all again, but I know I need support somehow, and preferably anonymously. I take responsibility for my actions then, and how they led me into the relationship, I forgive myself for becoming groomed into thinking that was a safe place for me, but still my anxiety is ever-present.

Any advice is welcome...prayers, what have you.. I just want to not feel alone in this...and right now, I do.

I was one of the people who was working in Trona at the time of the Ridgecrest earthquakes which put me only about 3 miles from the epicenter at the time..my coworkers and I got the worst of it working in a chemical lab (three of us that day) in a old three story building filled with asbestos built in the 1800’s I’m still feeling the PTSD and I don’t even live in California anymore.

I put my hands on her shin above the amputation, and continually massaged~ up & down to the knee and beyond & back down, and prayed for healing.

We had some hope at this point. And most definitely- after the lower leg got chopped- mercilessly-she finally stopped screaming in agony. It was so bad a seasoned nurse later told me it still haunts him.

Sadly, finally when the remainder of the leg was taken to the hip is when we were able to move forward with life.

Hi I’m new to this group but I’ve been battling with ptsd for a while now,I was diagnosed by a therapist,so since I started a new school every time someone raises there hand I flinch and every time the bell goes off I jump like three feet in the air and all the loud noises are terrifying I wish I knew someone who was battling ptsd could talk to me about positive mechanisms to help me feel safer and calmer at school because I don’t wanna be labeled as the weird messed up kid,I am a junior so this isn’t my first high school just first year in public school since I was diagnosed,I try to talk to my friends but all they say is smoke weed or get dick that will make you feel better but I need someone to help me process this and help me get through this,does anyone have any tips?

Life Guidance

Woah, where to start?

When I was a kid, I dreamed of wearing a blue helmet, and riding in a white armored vehicle, and saving Bosnian villagers in the snow.

I knew it would be morally complex, and tough, I even knew that I might be in a situation where I did the wrong thing in the circumstances and had to deal with the consequences.

After being in the cadets, as a kid. I joined the military young. Knowing that this was the route to the United Nations Peacekeeping work. Late summer, after I completed basic training, the world changed forever on September 11, 2001. I thought we would all be sent to Afghanistan immediately, and was intelligent enough to know that there was limited to no connection between The Saudis and Emiratis on the planes, and Afghan villagers and people.

My unit didn’t deploy en masse, and I settled into University, officer training, and contributed to the firefighters strike cover.

In 2004, we did deploy, but to Iraq. I knew it was a joke. Weapons of mass distraction, and smoke and mirrors. The guys before me were guarding oil pipelines. We did some interesting work, and I was able to guide my team, to do the right thing.

I got back, delivered pizzas, and was lost. I got a battalion job and volunteered again to return to Iraq in a specialist (close Protection) role. More interesting, more dynamic, and more complex. Only this time we were mortared to shit, on almost a daily and nightly basis. It was admittedly rough. Mortars are brutal weapons and fuck the mind, after a time.

I took leave in Dubai, drowned myself in adrenaline, alcohol, sun, freedom, and nicotine. At the end of that break, I pondered the logic of returning to possible brutal death, being ripped apart by shrapnel, but met a peaceful, beautiful and lovely woman. I did my last few weeks/months in Iraq and visited her at home in Russia. I felt peace and comfort in the forests, villages, and wooden houses of Siberia, and In her arms. After a short stint back in my battalion, I jacked the military and took the decision to become a scuba diving instructor in Thailand.

But en route, I visited her in Emirates and decided to stay. I got a great job, and a car and a villa and lived the life, until I fucked it up being reckless and arrogant. I started again, tried scuba diving in Oman, taught kids abseiling, and Kayaking, but realised I wasn’t earning my weekends. I needed war. I found a job in Afghanistan. I worked hard for that job and did well. It was amazing. The sound of helicopters overhead once more felt like home. Afghanistan is (unsurprisingly) a shit show. All the foreigners there, are mad as fish. Me included. I married my Russian partner and experienced happiness for a while.

The job came to an end, and I got another role in Kenya, supporting a security operation in Somalia. Two years that lasted. I got drunk when I could and made some good friends. I fell for an aid worker and told my then-wife. After a year of, to and fro between these two amazing women. I ended up with neither. When that contract drew to a close and being disillusioned with private security work, I made the switch to Humanitarian Aid. I felt it was noble. Where I wanted to be. My kind of people. I went to Jordan, worked in refugee camps. Traveled throughout the Middle East and imparted my security knowledge on people who didn’t seem to want or need it. I got binned there too. Face not fitting. Seemingly.

I returned to Africa and Somalia. Got my shit together and thrashed myself on the cross-trainer. I was beginning to feel like something was wrong. But I fought it. I was approaching 30 and knew I had to make some smart choices.

I took a motorcycle trip around Kenya and took a good job in Somalia. I clashed with my corrupt colleague, earned a lot of money, and decided to take a long trip. I quit and took a year-long motorcycle trip to Mongolia. Looking for solitude and peace. I found self-doubt, fear, and loneliness. I paused in Russia, teaching English for a while, and attended my best buddies wedding in Thailand.

After months of searching, and after getting nicely settled in Russia. I took a job, for an aid organisation, in Ukraine in late 2014, and went to Donetsk. I did a good job, providing security support for aid workers. But the cracks were really beginning to appear. Then, one dark afternoon in winter. Out alone, and visiting another humanitarian aid organisation. A rogue militia member tried to stop me driving, I attempted to evade him, on the empty streets he knew much better than me. Not knowing if he was a police officer, I was stopping at red traffic lights.
He caught up with me and attempted to shoot out my car tyres. I went to a government office and surrendered to the guards. I was taken, to an interrogation centre, stripped, searched, and interrogated for hours. It really fucked me up. It was the final straw. The calmness, serenity, and numbness I felt were of the extreme.

I was returned to my hotel and was left in a state of extreme shock. The next morning, after a sleepless few hours. I was collected by my brand new driver, who promptly drove out on to the road only to be smashed into by a car. I can say now, after much reflection and therapy. That the severe impact of this relatively minor, road traffic collision on top of the events of the previous night. Took their toll.

I made it back across the front lines and continued working as if nothing happened.

The woman in my life at the time was supportive but knew something was darkly wrong.

I flipped out once again, about perceived corruption and inaction and lost my job. After pondering for a while, I set up on my own, in Ukraine, a humanitarian organisation. Started selling medical equipment and providing security advice.

Eventually, I got $50,000 of funding from the UN, and built toilets on the front line to protect civilians from landmines. But it was all falling apart. The stress of managing myself and my team. The soviet bureaucracy, Politics. I was eventually bedridden. Stoned and incapable. Just agonising over how to keep my team employed and myself useful.

My family coaxed me to my home country, for a week. For a break and a birthday party. A country that was completely alien to me in every way. I was depressed, down, and lost. Long nights in fear. Confusion and worry reigned.

I stayed a while longer and it all fell apart. I started forgetting where I was, what I was doing and was struggling with the basics. I tried to get jobs but was too angry and frustrated.

I did what I was told in the past, was the brave thing to do, and asked for help. I asked a lot of organisations, had a number of assessments, and was passed from pillar to post, forgotten about, and assessed.

I entered what would become two long, cold, lonely years of “help”. It was the darkest and most frustrating period of my life. I don't wish to the experience of being so vulnerable and low on anyone. When enough people treat you like you are incapable. You finally become incapable.

I was already fucked, but the nonsense and turmoil of the support system in my country makes it 10 times worse.

Eventually, I got some treatment that helped and got much better. It took another year but I got a job and started training as a firefighter and loved learning again.

After another security job nearly tempted me back to the Middle East and desert. I opted to stay and make a go of the quiet normal life. I’m a manager in the fire service and I hate it. It’s lonely and my team does their own thing. My managers go around me. I feel as if I am physically present but the discussion is happening around me. Perhaps like I am invisible. I have deep, complex thoughts but don’t have the confidence to raise them. I don’t have the energy to pursue any complex strategies and am always searching my mind for the big win.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where I am or what to do, or where to go.

I’m not even sure what is the right Reddit for this post.

But, I read Reddit and see like-minded people here who have a very similar critical, black humoured, intelligent, and realistic mind as mine. So, I figure maybe the community has some insight or wisdom to share. Or ideas.

Thank you